Better or Worse

by Kadi

Rated T

Disclaimer: This is not my sandbox. I only visit it.

"How can he even do that?"

The initial explosion that came from Rusty was not unexpected. Sharon had spent the better part of the last half hour watching him pace while he expressed his feelings on the matter of Jack and his accusations. "Rusty, he can't," she began calmly. She had learned over the course of the last few years that it was always best to let Rusty get the emotions out into the open, and once expelled, then he would be more willing to discuss it calmly. Sharon smiled sadly as he pushed his hands into his hair. It was probably the dozenth time that he'd done that, it was beginning to stand on end. The rigid set of his shoulders, and the shaking in his hands, that coupled with the pain and confusion in his eyes... Sharon was beginning to rethink her stance on Andy's opinion of how to deal with Jack.

With a sigh, she folded her hands together and continued to watch her son pace the length of the living room. She waited until they'd gotten home to sit him down and explain what her ex-husband had done, and what it would mean for all of them. Andy had taken Anna for her. They were stopping for dinner and to do a few other meaningless errands so that Anna wouldn't be home for this part. It gave Rusty the freedom to express himself however he needed.

"But all that happened a long time ago now," he continued, still pacing. "It has nothing to do with now! I don't do that anymore. I don't even understand why it's important. I would never hurt Anna, how can he-"

"Okay." Sharon stood and caught his arm as he made another circuit of the room. "Come here." She drew him to the sofa with her and maneuvered him onto it. Then she sat beside him. She held both his arms. "Rusty, no one believes that," she said gently. "Jack doesn't even believe it. This is not about you at all. You are, quite unfortunately, just in his line of fire." Sharon rubbed his arms and sighed. "He's doing this because he's angry at me. Just like he did this last summer. I specifically told Jack that I wasn't ready for you to know about the adoption yet. He brought it up with you anyway, he was hoping that it would unsettle you enough, or that you would disagree enough, that I would drop the idea before it had any affect on him. I was already thinking about divorce, Rusty, I've thought about it a dozen times over the years. I was simply giving Jack one last chance to prove to me that he was someone that I could count on, and he failed. Miserably. As if that wasn't enough, he brought Ricky into it." She offered him a sad, somewhat rueful smile. This was not something they'd discussed, but perhaps they should have. She should have sat him down long before now and resolved all of those issues. She didn't, she tried too hard to insulate him, just as she had done with her other children where Jack was concerned. It was time to stop repeating that pattern, she decided. "You were right, when you pointed out the issues that Ricky was having with the adoption. I didn't want to see it, and when I did, I didn't want to believe it. Ricky let Jack get into his head, and that is something that Jack is very good at. You have ended up in the middle of this, and I am so unbelievably sorry about that, Rusty." She cupped his chin when he tried to look away from her. "No one believes that your past has anything to do with now. Not in the sense that Jack is trying to portray. If anything, it's made you stronger."

Rusty averted his gaze, but he nodded. He rubbed his palms against his jeans and swallowed hard. "Could he..." His stomach pitched and rolled alarmingly. Rusty's jaw clenched. "Could Jack really take Anna away from you?"

"No." Sharon shrugged delicately. "At least I don't think that he can. I don't even believe that he really wants her." She released him and sat back. Sharon folded her hands in her lap. "I spoke with my lawyer about it this afternoon and sent over a copy of the papers with my own notes and how I wanted to counter the suit. I don't want you to worry about that, Rusty. It's going to be taken care of."

"How can I not worry about it, Sharon?" He stared at her, a bit incredulous. Even now she wanted to take all of it on herself. Rusty shook his head at her. "What are you going to do?"

Sharon sighed. She folded her lips together. She had known that he wouldn't let it go so easily. As much as she didn't want him caught in the middle, Jack had already placed him there. "I'm going to fight. My lawyer agrees, your juvenile record is sealed. Jack cannot use it in a legal action against me, and that he's using the fact that he is aware of it through his marriage to me and his adoption of you, could be an ethics violation. I spoke with Gavin about that this afternoon. That's his specialty; since it was a large part of our case against Phillip Stroh and you were involved in the police action to catch Wade Weller, and he's using it now to come after me personally... after our marriage has ended, Gavin is going to... do what he does and go after Jack professionally for threatening a police officer." Sharon glanced away, her eyes clouded with regret. "If anything, I'm hoping that it will make Jack back off and rethink his actions. If not, then he'll have to pay the consequences for those actions. So, I have Gavin handling one end of it, and the lawyer that handled the divorce is taking care of the custody issue. I think it's going to be okay, Rusty. At best all Jack can hope for is visitation. He'll get slapped with child support, and that is the last thing that he wants."

Rusty shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. "What about Lieutenant Flynn?" He shrugged at the surprised look he gave her. "I mean, you guys are doing that thing this week. Where is he in all this?"

"Hm." A small smile tugged at her lips. "By that thing you mean getting married?" Sharon's head inclined and she looked away again. "That's still happening. I haven't spoken to Ricky or Emily about any of this yet, I will when they get here this weekend. As for Andy..." She stressed his name, since Rusty had been asked to start calling him that, given all that was changing. "He's on board. We haven't discussed all of the details of everything I went over with Gavin this afternoon, but we will. And actually..." She smirked. "Jack is in for a bit of a surprise. After Thursday, I will have remarried, and that will make this an even more stable home than it was before, as far as the court is concerned." She waved a hand. "The law is odd."

"Yeah?" Rusty snorted. "No kidding."

She leaned back against the sofa cushions and folded her arms. "It's going to work out, Rusty." She smiled warmly at him. "I'm not going to allow anything else."

"You know, Sharon..." He shook his head. "There are some things that even you can't fix. You know that, right?" As much as he loved her and as hard as she tried, she couldn't sweep away all of the bad. She did always try, though. That was why he believed her when she said it would be okay. Even when it wasn't, it was still somehow better than it had been before.

"I know." She reached out and touched his arm. She gave it a gentle squeeze. "That doesn't mean that we give up."

"Yeah," he rolled his eyes at her. "I know. Sometimes, you're kind of predictable."

"Hm." She hummed. "We'll have to work on that, won't we?"

The glitter in her eyes had him groaning. "No, it's good. Really." Rusty leaned back against the sofa and propped his head up in his hand. "I do have one question."

He'd gone all serious again. Sharon turned toward him and nodded. "Go ahead."

"When is he moving in?" Rusty smirked at her. "I mean, come on, Sharon. Seriously? It's Tuesday. You're getting married in two days and you're still sending the poor guy home at five in the morning to get ready for work. You do get that's not exactly normal? This whole thing is crazy, but that is just nuts!"

Her brow arched. Sharon returned his gaze. "I'll agree, that is a little inconvenient." Her lips pursed. "The thing is, you and I had agreement that there would be a thirty day warning for any changes to current living arrangements. I'm just trying to respect that."

The delivery was almost flawless, however, her mouth began to twitch. When she snorted a laugh, Rusty looked heavenward. "I could tell people how crazy you are, and no one would believe me," he smiled at her, the look filled with affection.

"Oh, I think they might." She covered her face. "I have no idea," Sharon laughed again. "For the first time in my life there are no plans or logistics, it's just..." She waved a hand and shrugged. "Full steam ahead."

Rusty thought about it for a moment. He considered everything he knew, and everything that he thought he knew about Sharon. The whole thing was just weird and a little unlike her. Okay, he amended, a lot. "Can I ask why?" When she gave him a curious look, he explained, "you're not really acting like you."

"Ah." She thought about it. "I suppose that I'm not." Her other children had asked too, and Sharon had deflected. She studied Rusty for a moment. He wasn't pushing her for an answer, but he was genuinely curious, and she thought, maybe a little concerned too. Sharon turned on the sofa and drew her legs beneath her. She propped her head in her hand and considered what she might be willing to share with him. It wasn't her habit to discuss certain parts of her personal life, even with her children. "I was very young when I met Jack. Not much older than you are now. We had a lot of dreams, and we made a lot of plans. Very few of them worked out the way that I thought they would. Later, I made other plans, and those didn't work out so well either. What I have learned is that we can plan, and we can dream, but life happens. Sometimes it's pleasant, and other times it isn't. Sometimes things work out the way they should or are meant to, but just as often they don't. That doesn't mean that we stop dreaming, and I don't think that means we should stop planning, but this time..." She smiled, it was gentle and just a bit wistful. "I'm just letting life happen. I am standing out of its way. When Jack came back several months ago, I made a choice that impacted more than just myself. I thought it was the right thing to do, and at the same time, I almost destroyed something very important and precious to me. My friend let me do it, because he thought he was doing what I needed him to do. Were we right? Were we wrong? I don't know, and it's too late now to really figure that out. A funny thing happened, though. Life reasserted itself into all of the plans that I thought were important and right. Maybe I am acting a little unlike myself, or maybe I'm realizing that... I can't fix everything, no matter how hard I try... and there are somethings that don't need to be fixed." She reached across the back of the couch and let her fingers brush his arm. "Remember that, when you start thinking about your life. What doesn't work out isn't always the end of the line. Sometimes it's just a detour. Or it could be a new beginning."

"I will." He smiled back at her. Rusty felt better for having heard it from her, rather than just guessing. He knew she wasn't comfortable discussing these things, and it meant more that she had. It was a little weird, but her gaze shifted when she talked about Flynn, and lit in a way he hadn't really noticed before. Or maybe he just wasn't looking before now. He got it now, all of the things that he was ignoring before. He never completely bought the not dating thing before, but it was Sharon, and he trusted her. He didn't have to worry about who she was spending time with. Especially when it was someone else that he trusted. Rusty shook his head and grinned crookedly at her. "Just for the record, you totally get that no one thinks you're just friends anymore, right?"

Sharon laughed. "I think I got it." Her eyes sparkled. "The thing is, Rusty. We are. That's something else that I want you to remember. You're going to fall in love one day, and it will probably even happen more than once. When it does, just keep in mind that you should be friends too. That's where it needs to start, and if it's going to last, any relationship needs that solid foundation to build on." Her brow arched. There was a gleam in her eyes when she added. "So yes, my very good friend needs to figure out when he's moving in. It was all his idea, I can't plan everything." There was a knock at the door that had her head inclining. That would be Andy back with Anna. Sharon pushed herself up from the sofa. "I should probably give him a key too."

Rusty turned his face into his hand and snorted. "You might want to reconsider that not planning thing. At least a little."

"Absolutely not." Sharon grinned. "Keeps him on his toes." She pulled the door open, and just as she'd thought, there was Andy laden down with Anna, her bag, their dinner, and apparently a garment bag. "I think now would be a good time to mention you don't have to knock anymore."

"Cute." Andy looked between the two of them, and finally arched a brow at Sharon. "Everything okay?"

"It is." She held out her arms for Anna and pulled the child to her. Sharon turned away with her and carried the little girl back to the sofa. "I missed you today."

"I missed you too." Anna lay her head against her shoulder and sighed. "Andy wouldn't let me have a puppy," she pouted. "Tell him I can have one."

Sharon's brows lifted. She glanced at him. "He wouldn't?" There was approval in her gaze, but she gave him a questioning look as well.

"They were doing an adoption drive at the pet store down the block from the cafe," Andy explained. He dropped his garment bag on the back of a chair, and Anna's bag into the seat. Then he walked into the kitchen with their dinner. After leaving the office, he'd gone home to grab a few things, it was just a little ridiculous that he didn't have more than a single change of clothes at the condo. Afterward, he and Anna had stopped to pick up dinner. "I believe my exact words were, it's not up to me, ask your mother."

Sharon rolled her eyes at his smirk. "Of course you did. And so it starts," she teased. She tipped Anna's chin up and sought the little girl's gaze. "Puppies are a really big responsibility, and they need a lot of room to run and play. We don't really have a place for that here. I just don't think it's a very good idea."

"Yeah." Rusty got up and moved into the kitchen to inspect the dinner situation. "It might chew your shoes."

Anna gasped. "My shoes?"

Sharon cut a look at the teenager. "Yes. Sometimes puppies like to chew things. Like chessboards." Her gaze found Anna again and she smiled. "Maybe we can discuss it again in a few years, when you're a little older. Okay?"

The little girl sighed, clearly not liking the answer she was being given. "Okay," she pouted.

"That's my girl." Sharon cupped her face and kissed the top of her head. "Go wash up for dinner. Rusty will help you." She set her on the floor and turned her toward the hall. "Go on."

"Right behind you pip." Rusty pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. He took a card out of it, which he slipped to the Lieutenant. "I think you need this more than I do now." Rusty gave his shoulder a pat, and then he followed Anna down the hall.

Andy frowned as he turned it over in his hand. He barked a laugh at the name that was printed on it. He showed it to Sharon when she joined him. "Doctor Joe. I'm not sure, but I think Rusty is trying to tell me something."

"Hm." Sharon joined him at the counter and peeked into the bag he'd brought. "He's worried about you."

"Nah," Andy leaned his hip against the counter. "I think it's more like, welcome to the family, oh by the way, she's insane."

Sharon laughed. "Well, that too." Her nose wrinkled and she poked the bag. "You got burgers."

Andy chuckled. She was cute when she sulked, which wasn't often. "Yeah, well, the kid likes 'em." He regarded her carefully. "How is he?"

"Understandably upset." Sharon shrugged. "He's going to be okay. The one thing we've all learned, time and again, is that Rusty is amazingly resilient."

"Yeah," Andy agreed. "Get's it from his mother." He leaned over and kissed her upturned lips. "Keep looking, I got you a salad." He winked at her and went to retrieve his garment bag so that his suits could be put away before they wrinkled.

Sharon hummed, and smiled when she found two salads, one for each of them. "I'm surprised that's all you brought," she said, indicating the single bag. "At some point, you might actually want to move in."

"I will." Andy grinned back at her. "When you give me a key."

She laughed. Maybe Rusty was right. "Hang on to that card. I think we're going to need it."

MCMCMCMCMCMC

It was later in the evening and dinner had long since finished when Andy realized that Sharon had never returned from taking Anna to bed. He closed the book that he had been paging through and made his way down the hall to seek her out. A brief glance into Anna's room found the child already sound asleep, and her room cast in the soft glow of the sparkling stars of her night light. Andy eased away from the room and across the hall to Sharon's, which he supposed, was theirs now.

The sound of the shower running drew his attention. His head inclined and he listened. She had left the bathroom door open a few inches, usually an invitation, but as he listened, Andy realized he was hearing more than running water. He pushed quietly into the room. Through the misted over glass of the shower he could see Sharon, head bent and shoulders slumped. They shook with the tears that she was trying so hard to keep muffled. Andy's jaw clenched. He was wanting to go with his first instinct again, the one which would have ended with his knuckles bruised and Jack's nose broken. He pushed the feeling aside, however, and quickly slipped out of the t-shirt and jeans that he changed into prior to dinner.

When the shower door was pulled open, Sharon looked up. There was a slightly startled expression in her red-rimmed eyes. She pressed the back of her hand against her mouth and nose, while another tremor moved through her. Her hand dropped as he joined her. She stepped back to make room for him, and as his hands slipped into the thick, sodden weight of her hair, she drew her bottom lip between her teeth. She pressed her face against his chest as another wave of grief swept over her. "This is why I didn't want to love her," she whispered.

"I know," he said quietly. He gathered her close. It hurt to see her break, even just a little. She had known that loving that child would give Jack the power to hurt her. She had held off as long a she could, as long as her heart would allow. She wouldn't regret it, Andy knew, but it had hurt her. "What can I do?" He hated feeling helpless, but in this, he knew that he needed to follow her lead.

Sharon shook her head. She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly. "This," she whispered. "Just this."

"This I can do," he rumbled. "This I can always do."

She did not expect that it would bring on another wave of tears, but it did. She drew a thin, shuddering breath and lifted her face. Her fingers were light against the curve of his jaw. She had almost denied them this, and there was a certain amount of grief in that. How could she have turned her back on this, on them, when it had always felt so right. Even at its most complicated, she could not deny or ignore the feeling that settled inside her at knowing that she had this man to love her.

She never expected this. She had definitely not gone looking for it. It didn't happen over night. It began gradually enough, it was exactly as she had told Rusty earlier. They were friends, and then, without her knowing when or how, she began to realize that he was coming to mean more to her. Her heart would beat just a little faster at his touch, and warmth would fill her at his smile. He would look at her in a way that she no longer thought possible, he would be her sounding board, he would have her back, and just as often, he was willing to put himself in front of her when he believed that she was wrong.

How could she not love him? Even when she was walking away from him, he was at her side. In his own way he supported her, even when it hurt him to do so.

Her heart broke a little, at what they had almost lost. All for the sake of a child that she hadn't wanted to let into her heart, and now could not imagine a day without. He pushed her, even then, even when there was little of them left but a shadow, because he had known it would shatter her more if she hadn't at least tried. Because he knew that she was only refusing to acknowledge what had already happened. She wondered how he could know her so well, and so easily, when there was no reason at all in the world that they should work. Except that they did. Somehow, together, so much of what they faced seemed easier to bear and more possible to confront. It was so odd, and yet it felt so right.

Sharon's face lifted, even as she drew him back. The tile was cool and damp against her back. His name was a whisper on her lips. "I need you." She needed to feel more than the weight of the disappointment that was closing in on her, more than the grief and fear that held her heart clenched so tightly in their grasp. She needed him to make her believe again, that anything was possible.

"You have me," he promised her. He met her kiss. There was a desperation it, it was more than the salt of her tears that he could taste on her lips. It was a need that she so rarely expressed, a weakness that she let few see. She turned herself over to him and he drew her closer, held her tighter, and allowed her to break while he put the pieces back together.

Long after they'd left the shower, he continued to hold her. Her hair was a riotous mess of damp and drying curls that tickled his cheek as she lay curled against his side, her head tucked against the crook of his neck. She had claimed his t-shirt, and Andy decided he liked it better on her. One of her legs was curled around his and as her foot stroked his calf, he marveled that her feet were always cold. His hand stroked through her hair, fingers playing in the thick mass. When his fingers brushed her neck, she sighed, and he felt the light press of her lips against the curve of his jaw.

"Does moving in here bother you?" The question drew a surprised look from him. Sharon had been thinking about it for several quiet minutes before finally voicing it. She was wondering at his reticence to bring more than just a few suits, despite the fact that she made sure there was room in her closet. She lifted her head and propped it in her hand. Her other hand, which had been drawing lazy circles against the plain white t-shirt he wore, stilled, and she let it rest against his chest. "I bought this place with Jack. I'd understand if you were reluctant."

"No." His hand moved down her back. Andy watched her eyes, no longer dulled with hurt and grief, now they were questioning, speculative, as they searched him for answers. "You bought it for you, and Rusty, and Anna. Does it bother you?" He moved his other arm behind his head and shifted it, so that he could see her face better. "We can slow it down, Sharon. This doesn't all have to happen at once. Given everything that's happened, if that's what you need to do, then that's what we'll do."

A smile curved her lips. "That's not why I was asking." She moved over him, and let her body stretch out along his. Sharon folded her arms against his chest and rested her head on them, so that she lay atop him. "I can understand where it might feel a little odd moving in now, given why I'm living here. I think what I'm trying to say, and very badly it seems, is that we don't have to do that. I'm not married to this place. We could find something together."

He swept her hair back from her face and tucked a wildly curling lock behind her ear. "Thing is," he rumbled quietly, "doesn't really matter to me where we're living, as long as we're both there." Andy traced the curve of her face with his index finger. It didn't surprise him, really, that she was once again thinking of someone other than herself. It was simply who she was. Even when he knew that she was hurting, she could put it aside. As she was now, for him. Her smile made his heart flutter, emotion warmed him through. "You evaded the question, though." Andy smiled at her. "Do you want to wait?"

"I thought my avoidance was its own answer." She tipped her face closer, kissed the tip of his chin. "I don't want to wait. I want this." She turned her head, hummed quietly as she lay it against his chest. "This, you and me, for as long as we can have it." There were no guarantees in life, especially in their line of work. "I was never supposed to love you. It just happened. I'm not letting go of it now. If that means that people think we're a little crazy, then so be it. Perhaps we are. I don't want to waste a minute more of my life with you on plans or doubts, or second thoughts. I just want to live it."

The hand that had started stroking her hair again stopped, Andy tugged at her, drew her up until their faces were inches apart. "Then I guess we've got a date." His hand cupped her face, his thumb swept across her bottom lip. "Thursday, two o'clock. You and me, and your good friend the judge."

"You and me," she murmured. None of their kids would be there, since it would be the weekend before her two eldest or his son could join them. She had only met his son, Charlie, the once, on the night of the ballet. She found she didn't quite mind that it would only be the two of them. They had plans to get together with the six kids over the weekend, but this was for them, and that was how she liked it. "It's a date," she said, and let her lips brush his.

"Bout time," he rumbled. "Never had to work so hard to get a woman to go out with me before." His hand stroked through her hair again. The sound of her laughter was a balm to him after seeing her break earlier. "I love you," he told her. "I want this too. I'm not going anywhere, Sharon. I'm going to be right here, even if it means waiting a while. Here, my place, wherever. You want to move, we'll move. Or we can stay right here." Andy shrugged. "I go where you go, lady."

"Hm." She kissed him again, let it linger. "I do like the sound of that." Sharon settled against him again, head pillowed against his chest, where she could listen to the steady beat of his heart. "Then let's see what happens. We'll just start from Thursday and go from there." She turned her face into his chest and pressed a kiss there. "I love you, the rest, we can just let fall into place."

In the meantime, there was a custody battle looming ahead. She was going to fight to keep her daughter, and he wasn't going to let her do it alone. Jackson Raydor was about to learn what many others, suspects and witnesses, who had come against them had learned. He might be able to chip away at her alone, but they were stronger together, and damned near unbeatable.