Better or Worse

by Kadi

Rated T

Disclaimer: This is not my sandbox. I only visit it.

"What are you thinking? You've been awfully quiet." A quiet trickle joined the soft rumble of his voice as he squeezed water from a sponge to trail down her arm. Andy was seated in the bathtub with his wife reclining against his chest. Her hair was twisted into a loose and messy bun, damp tendrils curled against her neck. Her skin was flushed from the heat of the water. Andy pressed a kiss to her shoulder.

It had been a good day, he thought. They had postponed their plans with the children. With everything that happened with Jack and Anna, Sharon hadn't wanted to overwhelm the little girl or the very disappointed son and daughter that her first marriage had produced. So they had waited. They pushed back the official celebration of their marriage until the following weekend. It was a good idea. Andy was opposed to it at first. He didn't want Sharon to deny herself something he knew she was looking forward to. In the end, it was the right thing to do.

They used that week wisely. Sharon spoke to her lawyer again that Friday. They spent the better part of the next week ironing out the details. In the end, an agreement was reached with Jack Raydor. He would not sign away his parental rights to Anna; and Sharon wouldn't push him to, despite her initial thoughts on the matter, not for Anna or for him. She did it for the sake of her other children and the cohesion of a family that she was still trying to hold together, even if she didn't consider Jack to be family any longer. What they settled on was sole custody of Anna going to Sharon and her husband. Jack would be allowed visitation, but only when requested in advance and only at the convenience of Anna's daily routine. There would be no more unannounced visits, no unscheduled pick-ups.

If anything happened to Sharon, Anna would remain with her stepfather. She would stay with Andy unless he was otherwise incapable of caring for her, and then she would go to Emily. That was her daughter's idea. Emily offered to take her sister if the day ever arrived that a new guardian was needed. Her career wasn't more important than family; she promised her mother she would make it work. Andy saw a good deal of Sharon in that girl, he believed she would make it happen. He hoped like hell that day would never come, but life was unpredictable and they had no guarantees.

Where Jack was concerned, Sharon would probably never forgive him. She would sure as hell never trust him again. As she had said, he'd burned the last bridge they had. Whatever relationship that remained with his children, Sharon was no longer facilitating it, but she wasn't standing in the way of it either.

It finally gave her some closure, the custody agreement with Jack. She could breathe a little easier now. Anna didn't seem to realize that anything had happened. She'd had a scary night, and her daddy had yelled at her. That was the sum total of the experience for her, and it was quickly fading. She wasn't asking about Jack anymore. She was too young for them to really say for sure, but it looked like he might have burned a bridge there too. Children were resilient. Sharon knew that she would bounce back soon.

"Nothing. Everything." She finally replied, her voice was soft in the quiet room. There was only the rustle of the water when she moved. She slid her foot along his calf and sighed. Her heart was still aching in some ways, from the decisions that had been made that week and the reasons behind all of it. "I was thinking about where all of this started and how it ended up," Sharon admitted. "How odd it is, that we can envision one thing, and yet something else may develop." Her fingers stroked the length of his arm as it lay curled around her waist, from wrist to elbow, the touch light.

He made a low sound, similar to one of her hums. His lips brushed her shoulder. He let the sponge drop and lifted his hand to trace the spattering of freckles that colored her pale skin. "Sure as hell isn't what I imagined." He knew that she wasn't necessarily talking about them. She had been a little introspective this week. That was understandable. She was trying to reconcile what she knew with what had been.

"No, it really isn't." She turned her face and rested her forehead against the curve of his jaw. A smile curved her lips. "If anyone told me, when we met, that we'd be sitting here now… I'd have sent them for a psych eval." She felt the laughter rumble in his chest, it warmed her, more even than the steam rising from the water that surrounded them. "It was a good day, wasn't it?"

Of all of their children, only Nicole and Rusty had seen the evolution of their relationship and only at a distance. It wasn't only their lives that they were blending, it was an entire family, two sets of grown children. At least, that was where they were starting. It's where their attention was focused. They both had siblings, and there were her very surprised and cautiously optimistic parents for him to meet. It would come in time. There was no rush, despite how quickly everything seemed to have progressed.

The most important factor was the children. The day had been spent with them. It was a casual gathering, one that Nicole had gladly hosted. The weather was mild enough to allow for the use of her large backyard. The three children, her boys and Anna had spent the day playing. Whatever disappointment that Emily and Ricky still felt at their father was put aside for the day. They were all, with the exception of Rusty and Anna, roughly the same age. Grown adults with lives of their own, and if not completely accepting of a sudden marriage, at least respectful of it. His son was still so cautious of him, but he came. He smiled and he laughed, and he told stories of his father - those that he could remember. Likewise Sharon had Emily and Ricky, more than willing to share their own stories.

It was a start. They couldn't expect that there wouldn't be bumps along the way. As they found their way, so too would the children.

"Yeah," Andy took her hand, stroked the delicate fingers. "It was a pretty good day. They think we're nuts. It's good. At least we know they're paying attention."

Sharon chuckled quietly. "I don't know, I think your son has you pegged."

Charlie looked a lot like his father, right down to the lopsided grin. When he had simply shook his head at Andy and said "You married your boss? Way to go dad." Sharon could have almost been looking at a much younger version of her husband. The cocky one that used to spend a lot of time in her office.

"Wish he'd quit telling everyone my secrets." Andy sighed. "If everyone figures out I married my boss to stay out of trouble, I'm screwed."

"Oh Andy…" She clucked her tongue at him. "You're still screwed. I don't handle your discipline anymore." Sharon gave his knee a light, playful pat.

"Yeah. Maybe I should have called Doctor Joe when Rusty suggested it…" When she elbowed him, he kissed the side of her head. "It was a very good day, Sharon," he said, turning serious again. "The kids are okay, all of them. Even Anna."

"Hmm." She smiled. "Yes. We should get together with Nicole and the boys more often. It's good that she has more children around nearer her age. Especially family." Inevitably, thinking of Anna and her place in the family had her thoughts turning to Jack again. That would fade in time. That hurt was still too fresh. "He will eventually want to see her," Sharon said quietly. "He's never going to be completely out of our lives. Even if it weren't for Anna—"

"There's still Emily and Ricky," Andy responded. "I know. He's their father too, and as much of a bastard as we think he is… that's not a fact that we can reverse or should." He sighed. "Hell, don't ask me. I still want to knock the hell out of the son of a bitch. Thing is, I wasn't always a decent dad either. My ex cut me out of Nicole and Charlie's life because of it. I had to work hard, damned hard, to find my way back in."

"In the end, I think it hurt them more." Sharon shook her head. "I wish that I knew that I was doing the right thing." She felt his lips at her shoulder again and let her eyes close. "I've forgiven him so much over the years. This time I can't, I won't." His arms wrapped around her again and she lay hers atop them. "I know, I'm sorry. I sound like a broken record. I should put it out of my mind."

"He hurt you," Andy said. His voice rumbled quietly against her ear. "He knows that your weakness is your kids. It's why he always plays on it. It's not even really about him. You're always going to try to do what you think is best for them, even at the expense of yourself. It's who you are. It's why you held on to Rusty so tightly, even when you were in danger too. It's why you took Anna in, so that Emily and Ricky wouldn't need to. It's why you tried to reconcile with a man you were no longer in love with, so that a child that wasn't yours would have a shot at a family, even a slightly dysfunctional one. You're disappointed in him." Andy tipped her head up and looked down into her eyes. "That's okay."

"When did you get to be so patient and understanding?" Her brows lifted. "Who are you and where is the Andy Flynn that kicks down doors and drives me insane with the amount of paperwork that it produces?"

He snorted a laugh. "Patient? I'd still kick the hell out of him if I had a chance. I'm just trying to stay off the couch." He lowered a light kiss to her lips. "Look, I've had more chances than I probably deserved over the years. So I get it. I've been there, and my family is just as dysfunctional. None of us are perfect, Sharon. You're doing the best you can, and that's all that anyone can ask. When Emily and Ricky look back on their lives, they see that you've tried. They know that you love them. When Anna looks back, that's what she's going to see too. I don't know what else you can do. You've made sure that she is taken care of, and that she will always be taken care of. Sooner or later, you're going to have to forgive yourself."

Sharon groaned. She tucked her head against his neck and sighed. "There are times when I hate that you can read me so well." She was just as disappointed in herself as she was in Jack. That was the crux of it all. "I enabled his behavior all those years. There were times when it was just easier to give in than it was to deal with him. Ultimately, all of this comes back to me."

"I don't think so." He picked up the sponge again, went back to sliding along her body. "He's a grown man. No one was responsible for his actions but himself. You played your part, and we all make mistakes. The difference is, you tried to do better." Andy grinned. "Isn't that what you're always telling me about my past? It goes both ways, you know."

She smiled. "You're using my pep talks against me now. I think you've gotten arrogant. I should send you to a training seminar of some kind. That's always worked in the past."

"You could try," Andy smirked. "End of the day, I'm still comin' home to you, sweetheart. Besides, you're not the keeper of the evil seminars anymore."

"Yes, but I still know people," she drawled. Sharon sat up and turned in his arms. She slid her arms around him as she settled, straddling his lap. It wasn't entirely comfortable, but the water had started to cool, so they wouldn't be spending much longer in the tub anyway. "I have been thinking…" She drew her bottom lip between her teeth. Her eyes sparkled when his brows lifted. She could see him bracing himself. "Nicole can't be expected to host all of our family events."

"No," he said carefully. "She really can't be." Andy's brows drew together. "What do you have in mind?" It frightened him, sometimes, the way her mind worked.

"We talked about staying here or not," she continued. "I know that we're perfectly content here, but it is a little small when we take into account pulling everyone together. At some point it's going to be a nightmare, there will be your kids, my kids, their kids…" Sharon shook her head. "What if we looked at a few houses…"

"A house?" Andy stared at her. "I thought you didn't want a house." His head tilted. "Rusty said you were pretty adamant about that when you got this place." His hands slid up her back. "You know, I'm sure we'd figure something out. We could make this place work for us."

"I know." She smiled at him. "But there isn't really a lot of time or opportunity to take Anna to the park, and she did enjoy herself today, didn't she?" Sharon ducked her head for a moment and sighed. "You're right, I had a house, and I sold it. I paid college tuition, and debts, and invested well. It was the home that my children were raised in, and it was a place that Jack and I were once happy in. I didn't want another house. I didn't want to move backward. I don't think we would be, Andy. It would be a place for Anna to grow up, and if we're lucky, someday it would be a nice place to be while we raise our grandchildren." Her eyes were bright as she watched him piece together what she was saying. "That wasn't a dream that I wanted with him. I wouldn't mind chasing it with you."

He slid his hand into her hair, let his thumb stroke the curve of her cheek. "We could think about getting Anna that puppy." Andy tugged her down, kissed her gently. "There would be plenty of room for Rusty, and the others could visit whenever they wanted."

"Even Charlie," she said gently. "As often as they wanted." She smiled against his lips. "Yes, we could think about getting Anna that puppy. We could think about doing a lot of things. It would be nice, wouldn't it? Even just to look…" Just to dream, imagine what might be.

"It would be," he agreed. Andy kissed her again. "We can look. It's fine by me. Like I said, I go where you go. Won't you miss your view?" He grinned at her, knowing how much she loved her high rise life.

"So we'll get a house in the hills." Sharon shifted against him. "I'll still have my view." She slid her hands along his shoulders. "It doesn't have to happen right away. There's time."

"Yeah." He curled an arm around her waist and sat forward. "We could even talk about it later." He watched her eyes darken. Andy sat her away from him. He rose easily and stepped out of the tub. He held out a towel and smiled when she stepped into it. His arms wrapped around her and she was drawn flush against him. When she tipped her face up, he angled his mouth over hers. A soft knock at the bathroom door had him laughing. "A lot later."

"Momma?"

Sharon moaned quietly and let her head drop against his chest. They had put Anna down to bed, but three times in the last week she had come looking for them, only to spend the rest of the night nestled between them. "At least she's knocking. Emily had to learn that lesson the hard way." She sighed quietly and stepped away from him. Sharon walked to the door and eased it open. "Five minutes, Anna. Let me get dressed."

The little girl pouted. "I can't find Andy."

His head appeared over Sharon's, after he pulled a towel around his waist. "We'll be out in a minute. Go find your doll."

Anna's nose wrinkled. "Boys and girls don't take baths together. That's gross!"

"Exactly." Andy reached out and turned the little girl. "You just keep thinking that. Now scoot."

Sharon giggled softly. "You know, they do eventually grow up and stop thinking boys are gross, right?"

"Third time is the charm, that one is going to the convent." Andy waited for Anna to be gone before he stepped out to find a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. "It stands to reason, between the two of us, we'll get it right this time."

"Hm." Sharon slipped into a comfortable, cotton night gown. "You know, my father thought the exact same thing and look at me now."

"Thank god for that." Andy walked past her and his hand bounced playfully off her bottom. It earned him an arched brow, to which he only grinned. "Don't look at me like that. I can appreciate that your father was wrong. But it is my testosterone given right to think I'm going to shoot any boy who comes near her in the face."

Sharon rolled her eyes at him. She walked over and opened their bedroom door and called Anna back in. "Funny how Jake looks amazingly unscarred. I've never known your aim to be so bad before."

"Well, you know how it is." Andy dropped onto the bed with a smirk. "The recoil on those beanbag guns is horrible."

She groaned. "Your quest for a new pickup line fails again." Anna trotted past her toward the bed and Sharon pushed the door closed again. "I'm beginning to worry about you. I'm afraid you're starting to let yourself go."

"There could be some truth in that." He held back the blankets as Anna crawled into the bed. When Sharon joined them, he winked at her. "I mean, I've already got you. Why do I have to keep trying so hard?"

She lay down with a sigh. "I didn't even get a honeymoon and already the romance is gone." Sharon settled on her side and drew Anna against her chest.

Andy got comfortable on his back, a hand tucked behind his head. "Oh, it's not gone. It's on hold for about…" He glanced at Anna then at the clock. "About the next forty-five minutes." Or however long it would take the little girl to fall asleep.

"Mmhm." They said that every time Anna climbed into bed with them. Somehow they always failed to put her back in her own. Sharon arched a brow at him. "I think we'll see how that works out."

"Yeah," He flashed a crooked grin at her. "It's not looking too bad so far." He nodded to Anna who was already dozing off.

"You know, from where I'm laying," She smiled up at him. "It's not looking bad at all."

Andy leaned over Anna, careful not to jostle her. He pressed a kiss to his wife's mouth. "No, it really isn't." He moved onto his side and draped his arm across the pair of them. "What do think?" He propped his head in his hand. "Welcome to our life?"

Her lips pursed. They had grown children, siblings, parents, and ex-spouses to keep them on their toes. There were their jobs, their team, and a never ending influx of cases to keep them busy. Sharon lifted her head and propped it in her hand, mimicking his pose. She had this child that needed to be loved, and this man who was more than willing to do so. At the end of it all, they had each other.

"You know," she said. "I think I'll take it." Better or worse, it was more than just the vow they'd made a week ago. It was a reality that they had already experienced. Apart, they were left aching and adrift. They were stronger together, something they were finding to be more true everyday. Life was going to happen, in ways they liked and in others that they wouldn't. Facing it together, that was so much better.

~FIN