Chapter 5 - One More Star In Our Skies
I've just been writing all of this about the children, and I realised that my darling Todd has been mourning in a very different way to the rest of us. But then, we all have mourned differently. Toby just went outright and cried. Harper had the China doll look. Gus didn't even understand. I tried to help everybody, and I forgot about myself. And Todd...Todd hasn't cried. I've cried when everybody's been asleep, and I've hardly slept. Todd has slept okay, sometimes he claims out or screams or whispers in his sleep, and his Noise never says anything else apart from things about Manchee - but he's never cried, or said anything about him outright to us. The only thing he's said is when we talked briefly about it in bed.
I asked him about it the other day. "I dunno what to do, Vi," he said. "Manchee's gone. Such a good ruddy dog. But 'is FUCKING HEART had to go and ruin our lives."
He doesn't say effing. He doesn't cry, either. He just walks off, out of the house, Tito at his heels, gun by his side. I can hear the squelch of his boots against the wet mud of the autumnal ground, and I sigh. He needs to let it out, I think. He needs to have a good old sob. I go to the kitchen and start preparing dinner. And he needs to know that we're all here for him when he does.
We sat down as a family for supper. It was cabbage and rabbit stew. Todd had just been hunting for the rabbits and I could see the horror, disgust and guilt on his face as he took the first spoonful. But he allowed it to digest. I don't know if it was the rabbit or my cabbage which made him look like that, but it wasn't a nice expression. This time it was Harper who tried to make conversation.
"This is nice," she said, gesturing at her bowl. "May I ask what's in it?"
"My rabbit and Ma's cabbage," Todd replied, not looking at her.
"Oh," Harper whispered, taking another spoonful. "I like it. We should have it again sometime." I smiled and nodded at her. Tito and Acacia, the pups, came round and sniffed at our legs, begging for some food. I guess that they could smell the meat in the stew.
"No," Toby said, pointing away. "No food for you!" They whimpered and settled down underneath the table. I saw Gus feed them a bit of rabbit, but I didn't mind. I thought that it was sweet. Anyway, the dogs were dealing with exactly the same things that we were dealing with. They needed some TLC just as much as we did. They munched down the meat and yawned afterwards. They went to their beds in the corner of the room, and it pained me when I saw the empty bed with 'Manchee' engraved on the front.
We tucked the children into bed and said goodnight, then went to bed ourselves. The empty space on the end and the lightness of the cover over our feet made both me and Todd feel self conscious, and sad. I heard the sound of quiet crying next to me.
"Todd?" I asked.
"No," he replied, stifling the sobbing.
"It's alright, you know. Everyone else has done it," I leant over and hugged him tightly, kissing him. I went back and fell into the bed as he pushed me onto it, kissing me back passionately. I caught my breath as he stopped for a minute. "I love you," I breathed. He nodded in reply, kissing me back.
We fell asleep like that.