"Joker, where's Harley this evening?" asked Crane, as he opened the door to the Joker dressed in a purple vampire costume, complete with fake fangs.
"Aw, she's coming later with the girls," replied Joker. "Apparently they wanted to do some sorta witches coven thing this year – Witches of Eastwick or something. I told them I'd be happy to be their devil, since the guy who played the devil in the movie played me in a movie once, and I'm quite the devil myself, but Harley was outvoted by the other two, so I thought I'd go for the Dracula thing instead, considering I killed him last year."
"Did you really? Well, isn't that fascinating," said Crane, not really listening as he looked around, his mind preoccupied with his hosting duties and making sure all his guests had drinks.
"Uh huh," continued Joker, smiling. "Also, Harley and me have split up for good because she shouted out your name the last time we made love."
"Yes, very interesting, Joker," replied Crane, still not listening. "I'm sure that was splendid for you." He realized what he had said and stammered, "Wait…Harley and you have what?"
"Never been happier, thanks for asking, Johnny!" giggled Joker, clapping him on the shoulder as he headed over to the refreshment table. "That's what I love about smart guys," he laughed. "They can be some of the dumbest people on the planet."
A knock came on the door again and Crane went to answer it. "Hiya, Johnny!" cried Harley Quinn, beaming as she entered the room with Poison Ivy and Catwoman, dressed in very glamorous witch outfits.
"Harley, you look lovely," said Crane, sincerely.
"Yeah? You like it?" said Harley, smiling. "I told Red and Selina I would have preferred to be the Hocus Pocus witches rather than The Witches of Eastwick, but I was outvoted. Again. I really don't like democracy, y'know."
"I thought it would do Harley good to pretend to be an empowered woman, for once," retorted Ivy. "And The Witches of Eastwick is all about the assertion of the superiority of female sexuality and dominance over men."
"Is it? I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with that…movie?" guessed Crane.
"It's a book too," retorted Selina. "So that's really no excuse, Professor."
"If it was published after about 1960, I won't be familiar with it," replied Crane. "That's when literature really started to go downhill, and the psychology of why in its historical context is most interesting. I…"
"I don't really think a party is a place for a lecture, Johnny," interrupted Selina. "Save it for the University, huh?"
"Well, if an intellectual conversation seems dull to you, Selina, it's no wonder you're dating Batman," muttered Crane, under his breath.
"What?" demanded Selina.
"Nothing," said Crane, hastily. "Please help yourself to a drink."
"Pumpkin pie, aren't you just a picture!" exclaimed Joker, holding out his arms for Harley, who leaped into them with a squeak of happiness. "Who's my wicked widdle witch? I could just eat you up!"
"Mmm, and who's my vile, virile vampire?" purred Harley, kissing him. "You can bite me whenever you want, puddin'. And wherever you want. Oh, puddin'!" she sighed as he buried his face in her neck.
"So much for female empowerment," sighed Ivy, helping herself to a drink. "I kinda regret not letting you be our devil now, J. Then at least we could have all stuck pins in you and caused you a lotta pain."
"You can be my devil later tonight, puddin'," said Harley, smiling at him.
"Mmm, and I will be, pooh," he murmured, grinning. "Sticking some pins in might be just the thing to get me in the mood."
Harley giggled, and Ivy rolled her eyes as they continued kissing. "I think I'd almost prefer the real Dracula back again," she muttered. "He may have been a jerk, but at least he was hot."
A knock came on the door at that moment, and Crane went to answer it. "Good evening, Professor Crane," said Dracula, as he and Renfield entered the room.
Everyone froze as all eyes fixed on him, and in the silence that followed, Joker said, "Aw no, not you again! Why can't you and Bats just stay dead?!"
"Good evening, Mr. Joker," growled Dracula, his eyes hard and cold as he glared at him. "I am pleased you remember me."
"Hard for me to forget the guy who stabbed you in the back after you did him the favor of bringing him back to life," sniffed Joker. "Fangs off Harley this time, or I'll drive another stake through your heart, get me?" he demanded, grabbing Harley's wrist and shoving her behind him protectively.
"Hang on, you two have met?" demanded Crane.
"Of course we've met!" snapped Joker. "I just told you I killed Dracula last year!"
"But he's not…I mean…Dracula's not…real," stammered Crane.
"How did you miss this memo, Johnny?!" demanded Joker. "Of course he's real! He terrorized Gotham last year, before me and Bats showed him what happens to vampires in our town!"
"He bit me and Selina and transformed us into vampires!" continued Ivy, glaring at Dracula. "Apparently – I don't really remember the details."
"I remember when you attacked me very clearly," agreed Crane, nodding.
"Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel!" chuckled Joker.
"I remember he tried to come between me and puddin'," muttered Harley, glaring at Dracula from behind Joker. "Nobody tries to come between me and puddin'."
"Well, for a man who despises me, you seem pleased enough to emulate my style," retorted Dracula, nodding at Joker's costume.
"Yeah, I took your look, and made it better," said Joker. "I mean, people say black is chic, but it's so boring! You wanna make a statement with a suit and cape, you make 'em purple."
"And of course a wise man would take fashion advice from a clown," agreed Dracula, sarcastically.
"What are even doing here?" demanded Joker. "And how did you get in?"
"Professor Crane invited me," replied Dracula, nodding at him.
Everyone turned to stare at Crane. "Why would you invite Dracula?" demanded Joker. "You know one of his rules is that he can't come in somewhere without being invited in! Why would you be stupid enough to invite him into your home?!"
"Because I have a sense of etiquette!" snapped Crane. "Now could somebody please explain to me why everyone is suddenly talking nonsense…Jervis, you haven't put something in the punch, have you?"
"Don't look at me!" retorted Tetch.
"Then the novel Dracula is not a work of fiction after all?" demanded Crane.
"The slanderous and libelous novel of which you speak is an approximate account of certain events which happened toward the end of the 19th century involving me," retorted Dracula. "But it is largely inaccurate."
"What, you mean a bunch of lawyers and doctors didn't get together and kick your ass?" asked Joker.
"I don't suppose that's any more embarrassing than a man in a bat costume kicking your ass," retorted Dracula.
"Hey, I let him win, ok?" snapped Joker. "And unless you want me to let a certain Bat-person know you're back from the dead, you'd better get the hell outta here now, Bela!"
Ivy laughed. "Nice one, J! There's nothing more insulting than comparing a guy to Bella Swan!"
"Bela who?" asked Joker.
"I will not stay at a party where I am not wanted," said Dracula. "I merely came to let you know that I have returned, Mr. Joker, and to remake your acquaintance, and that of Miss Quinn," he said, nodding at Harley and smiling. "My memory of her beauty does not fail me. Nor, I suspect, does my memory of the taste of her sweet blood…"
"My blood don't belong to anyone else but me and puddin'!" snapped Harley, angrily. "He's the only guy who's allowed to give me a hickey, see?" she said, pointing at her neck.
"How dare you defy Master, you stupid whore!" shouted Renfield, stepping forward angrily. "He will have you if he wants you, and there is nothing you can do to resist him!"
"Don't you dare talk to Harley like that, you little worm!" roared Crane. "Get out of my home right now!"
Renfield turned to smile at him. "Once invited in, Master can come and go as he pleases. You have no control over him – no one does! He is omnipotent! And he will have what he desires. All that he desires," he added, smiling unpleasantly at Harley.
"Renfield, come," said Dracula, heading for the door. "Let us leave these people to enjoy their lives. While they can," he added, turning back to smile at them.
Renfield followed him out, shutting the door behind him. Nobody spoke for several awkward minutes, until Crane said, "Well…who wants punch?"
"Me," growled Joker. "I wanna punch you in the face, Craney! This guy is no fun to fight, not like Bats! He's all supernatural and Un-dead and stuff! There's no joke in vampires, everyone knows that!"
"I don't see how I can be blamed for not believing that Dracula is a real person!" snapped Crane. "I have a scientific, analytical mind…"
"Yeah, that's your problem right there!" interrupted Joker. "Too much of a know-it-all to consider there might be things you don't know! I tell ya, Johnny, you really are an idiot!"
"Don't you worry, my dear," said Crane, coming over to Harley. "We're not going to let him get his hands on you."
"It ain't his hands I'm worried about, Johnny," said Harley, with a shudder. "It's his teeth. Last time I nearly turned into a vampire after he bit me. I nearly became just a pathetic, submissive slave to a powerful man who treated me as nothing but an object."
Crane stared at her. "And…how is that different to who you are now?"
"Because he ain't puddin'!" she said. "I enjoy being a slave for the man I love, but it ain't that fanged creep! I tell ya, he's got no respect for women."
"Damn straight," agreed Ivy. "But it'll be different this time, Harley. We all know he's around and what he wants – we'll all work together to protect you from him."
Harley looked at her skeptically. "You remember how things go when we normally all work together, Red?" she asked.
"Yes," agreed Ivy. "But it's the best chance you've got."