Dracula had one arm around Harley's waist, clutching her tightly against him. He had ripped her head back by her hair with his free hand, baring her throat and bringing his mouth down to her pale, white neck, despite her screaming and struggling...
Suddenly the blade of a scythe landed next to Dracula, almost slicing his face. He looked up to see Jonathan Crane standing in front of him, pointing his scythe at him. "Let her go," said Crane, firmly. "Now."
"Johnny, be careful!" cried Harley, as Dracula hissed at him, his fangs sharp and dripping with saliva.
"Let her go," repeated Crane, pulling out a crucifix from around his neck. Dracula hissed again, shrinking back from the object and releasing Harley to put his hands in front of his face. He staggered backward against the wall as Crane raised his scythe. "Cover your eyes, my dear," he murmured at Harley.
There was a scream, and Harley opened her eyes to see a pile of ash, blowing away in the wind. Crane turned away from it back to Harley, who gazed at him in adoration. "Oh, Johnny," she whispered. "You saved me."
She drew close to him and he pulled her gently into his arms, as his mouth met hers in a tender kiss…
"Hey, nerd, wake up!" shouted an unpleasant voice, startling Crane reluctantly away from his dream. He groaned, sitting up in bed as his door opened and the Joker popped his head in. "No time for sleep - it's nighttime and we got a vampire on the loose! But it's also meeting time, so you can probably sleep through that if you wanna."
"Not with Harley in danger I won't," retorted Crane, following him out into the main room of Catwoman's hideout, where Harley, Ivy, Selina, and Tetch sat around a table. They had all elected to use this as their base of operations, since Joker and Harley couldn't remember which one of their many hideouts they had invited Dracula into before.
"I still think we should tell Batman," Selina was saying.
"Yeah, we know, Selina," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "But in case you haven't noticed, your boyfriend doesn't really get along with all of us, and I don't think any of us want to be dragged back to Arkham anytime soon."
"So you wouldn't inconvenience yourself with a stint in Arkham to keep Harley safe?" demanded Selina.
"Mostly I don't like depending on men to keep Harley safe," snapped Ivy. "We should be like The Witches of Eastwick, and assert our feminine power over the male cad who thinks he can just bend women to his will…"
"For God's sake, Pammie, it's a movie, not a guide to life!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, that was a devil, not a vampire."
"Aren't they basically the same thing?" asked Tetch.
"Certainly not," retorted Crane. "A vampire has rules and restrictions specific to its kind which wouldn't be effective on other types of demons. The garlic, for instance, is a uniquely vampire repellant."
"I'm sure we have some in our cupboards," said Tetch. "If you wanted me to return to our flat, Jonathan, I could collect it. It's not quite sundown, so the vampire can't go outside yet…"
"Of course he can!" snapped Crane. "Honestly, you mustn't believe everything you see in the movies, Jervis! Most of that is sensationalized rubbish!"
"Well, up until last evening, I was fairly certain that the existence of vampires was sensationalized rubbish," retorted Tetch. "So forgive me for not being able to tell the rubbish apart now."
"I've spent the morning collating some information about vampires," said Crane, ignoring him and passing around a sheet of papers. "Take one and pass it on."
"What's this about cutting off the head and stuffing the mouth with garlic?" asked Selina, making a face. "That sounds kinda disgusting."
"I'm sorry that killing a monster from hell isn't a pleasant task for you, Selina," retorted Crane. "Heaven forbid you chip a nail."
"All right, no need to take that tone with me, Professor," she retorted. "I'll do what it takes to keep Harley safe."
"I hope we all will," agreed Crane. "Isn't that right, Joker? Joker?" he repeated, for the Joker had wandered over to a skylight leading to the rooftop.
"Sorry, I wasn't listening – what was that?" he said, turning around. "Tell me, Kitty, is that your Bat-flap? So the Dork Knight can pop in here whenever he rises?" he giggled.
"It's so I have an easy escape route from my hideout in case the cops turn up, Joker," growled Selina. "I don't base my life around booty calls from Batman."
"I don't know what that means, but it sounds hysterical!" chuckled Joker.
"Do you even care that Harley's in danger?" demanded Ivy.
"Sure I do. That's why I'm checking the Bat-flap to make sure it's locked up nice and tight," said Joker, nodding. "Unlike Kitty Pie when Batsy's around. But I have every confidence that my little Harley girl can take care of herself, can't you, pumpkin pie?" he cooed, petting her.
"Well, there's only so much any of us can do against the supernatural," said Harley. "But I'll fight tooth and nail against that jerk if he tries anything. I'm a one man loon, everyone knows that, and if that Un-dead creep thinks he can change me, he's got another think coming."
"Actually, the novel Dracula is about the triumph of human strength and emotion over the forces of darkness," said Crane. "It proves that such things are more powerful than the strongest evil."
"And it's fiction," said Joker, nodding. "So, y'know, there's that."
"Just because something's fictional doesn't mean it's not real, Joker," spoke up Tetch.
"No, I'm pretty sure that's the definition of fiction," replied Joker.
"What I mean to say is that even though certain events don't happen in reality, that doesn't make them any less real," replied Tetch. "A person can have a strong emotional connection and go on a spiritual journey with characters who have never existed. They can laugh at their joy and cry at their sorrows, and experience real human emotion, which surely is the measure of how real something is. I mean, even if we are all figures in the Red King's dream, that doesn't make us any less real, does it?"
Joker just looked at him. "Anybody know what the hell he's talking about?" he asked, looking around. Everyone shook their heads. "Look, even though this guy Dracula actually exists, that doesn't mean everything written in that story about him is true," continued Joker. "There's no way that a buncha nerds in that book actually beat him."
"Why not?" demanded Crane. "It may surprise you to learn, Joker, that one's brains can be a very powerful weapon."
"Well, if that were true, Eddie Nygma would be running Gotham, as opposed to lying barely conscious in Arkham after the Bat beat the crap outta him," replied Joker. "You can't beat people with brains alone. You gotta have strength and cunning and a sense of humor. But fortunately I have all of those things in spades, so Harley's got nothing to worry about."
"So what is the actual plan?" asked Ivy. "Hang around here and wait for Dracula to make his move?"
"Well, whatever happens, we mustn't leave Harley alone," said Crane. "That was their mistake in the book, so I would recommend that she has a companion with her at all times."
"You mean I gotta stay up all night in bed with her?" demanded Joker, annoyed.
"Well…I could always stay up with her," volunteered Crane. "Not in bed," he added hastily. "Not that I would be anywhere near her bed, though of course there wouldn't necessarily be anything wrong with that…"
"I know a way we can stay up in bed together, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing Joker.
"We can't do that! What if Dracula appears suddenly?" demanded Joker. "That would be really awkward!"
"Why doesn't J stay with Harley in her room, with two of us guarding that, and two of us heading off into Gotham to try to find Dracula?" suggested Ivy.
"I call heading off into Gotham with Ivy," said Selina, shooting her hand up.
"Ok. Johnny and Jervis can stay here," said Ivy, standing up. "And J, you'd better get into a room with Harley and lock yourselves in. Even if Dracula can't get into the building yet, there's no reason why that Renfield guy couldn't sneak in and invite him in. So keep yourselves under lock and key as much as possible."
"What a great plan," muttered Joker, sarcastically. "Boy, I never voluntarily put myself in jail before, toots. You'd better be grateful for this, you little brat," he said, following Harley into the bedroom.
"Do you ladies have some form of protection against the vampire if he attacks?" asked Crane. "Is there anything you can make crosses out of to carry with you?"
"Hang on," said Selina, heading over to a chest of drawers. She opened one, which was stuffed full of stolen jewelry, and rifled through it for a moment. "Here we are!" she said at last, holding up some jeweled crucifixes. "I used to think jeweled crosses were kinda tacky, but I'm glad I stole them now."
"We'll be back before sunrise," said Ivy, taking one and heading for the door. "See you then, boys."
They left, shutting the door behind them and leaving Crane and Tetch alone in the room. "What is it about Gotham and bat creatures?" sighed Tetch. "Is there something about this city that attracts them? That is, assuming Dracula can transform into a bat – that isn't sensationalized rubbish, is it, Jonathan?"
"It's all on the sheet, Jervis," retorted Crane, picking up the novel Dracula again. They suddenly heard noises coming from Joker and Harley's room.
"Oh…puddin'! I thought you said it'd be awkward if Dracula appeared…"
"Nah, it'll be a great joke, Harl! 'Hey, Bela, you think you've got some creepy fetishes! Take a look at this!'"
Crane sighed, trying to force his attention back on the book. It was going to be a long night.