"Puddin'?"

"Hmm?" muttered Joker, not looking up from the book he was reading. Selina had left a collection of books by her bed, and one of them, entitled To Catch a Bat, had caught his eye.

"Your Harley girl is feeling a little frisky again," she purred, nuzzling against him. "You wanna rev up her engine?"

He turned to stare at her. "What, again? I ain't a goddamn machine, Harl! I ain't as young as you, kid, and I'm worn out, all right, you greedy little brat?!"

"I can't help it, puddin'," she murmured. "Being in danger like this just makes me feel in the mood for romance. The thought that any time could be my last time before I die just makes me wanna pin you down and ride you like there's no tomorrow."

The look in her eyes was crazy, dangerously crazy, and the Joker felt a little nervous, as much as he hated to admit it to himself. "All right, pooh, just…calm down," he stammered, edging away from her on the bed. "Remember there's a psychotic vampire out there who could drop in on us at any moment…"

"Mmm, puddin', you're just getting me more in the mood," she murmured, grinning. "Which is just what you want, isn't it, you naughty boy?"

"Harley, c'mon, really…I…I don't think I can…perform again," he stammered, dodging her as she reached for him.

"You need to have a little faith in yourself, Mr. J," she said. "And in me. I'm sure I can get the Big J to stand to attention again, with a little loving care and affection…"

"Harley, no. Harley, down! Harley, get offa me! Harley…"

There was a crash through the skylight, and suddenly Batman landed on the bed, dragging Selina and Ivy after him. "Thank God you're here!" cried Joker. "Get her away from me, Bats – she's a lunatic!"

"Geez, Bats, you sure know how to spoil a gal's fun!" sighed Harley in annoyance as Joker leaped off the bed and raced to hide behind Batman. "There's nothing more attractive than puddin' playing hard to get! And he would have enjoyed it anyway, the big baby!"

"Harley, this is no time for fun and games," snapped Batman. "Are you all right?"

"Aside from sexually frustrated, yeah," she muttered, folding her arms across her chest. "Honestly, Mr. J, maybe I should take up with that vampire creep! At least he'd probably treat me like a woman!"

"He's welcome to have you, Harley!" snapped Joker. "But I bet if he knew what a sex maniac you are, he wouldn't want you! Guys only have a certain amount of stamina, y'know!"

"And that's why women are the superior gender," said Ivy, smugly.

There was a knock on the bedroom door. "Is everything all right in there?"

"Y'know, Johnny, if we were actually under attack by a vampire, you'd be worse than useless," said Joker. "You shouldn't just knock on the door and ask if everything's all right when you hear shouts and crashing!"

"I've been hearing shouts and crashing for the last few hours," retorted Crane, opening the door and entering the room with Tetch following him. "I didn't want to interrupt anything."

"Bet you did, though," muttered Joker.

"What's he doing here?" demanded Crane on seeing Batman. "I thought we agreed we were going to handle this ourselves, Selina, without the help of delusional flying rodents."

"I think you could probably use my help," retorted Batman. "This guy Dracula is no joke."

"Boy, ain't that the truth," agreed Joker. "And he's got some sorta weird, creepy helper this time around, Bats. Some guy called Renfield?"

"He insulted me," sniffed Harley. "You're gonna make him pay for that, aren't you, Mr. J?"

"I dunno – was his insult rampant sex maniac?" demanded Joker. "Because there's no insult in speaking the truth!"

"In that case, you're all a bunch of idiots," retorted Batman. "This place isn't remotely safe from a vampire attack. Didn't you learn anything from our last encounter with Dracula, Joker?"

"Excuse me, but I think we're just as educated as you are about vampires, Batman," retorted Crane, bristling. "I made them a sheet of facts..."

"Ok, well, if the vampire has an accomplice, you definitely shouldn't be staying in an apartment complex, since the accomplice could just walk into the building and invite the vampire in, and they'd be able to go into any room inside it," said Batman. "You should have called me immediately – I would have taken Harley to the Batcave, which is virtually impenetrable, and then started hunting this vampire myself. He'd probably be dead already."

"Geez, Bats, you kill one vampire and suddenly you think you're an expert," said Joker, sarcastically. "Well, I'm betting I've seen a lot more vampire movies than you, and Johnny's read a lot more vampire books than you, so you're not the only one around here who knows stuff about vampires."

"Yes, for instance, in the book Dracula, when he first encounters Lucy, he doesn't need to be invited into her home," snapped Crane. "He uses his hypnotic powers to get inside her mind and calls her to come to him."

"Yeah, you forgot all about those mental hypnotic powers, didn't you, Batsy?" demanded Joker.

"Where is Harley?" asked Tetch suddenly.

"What do you mean, where's Harley, she's right…" began Joker, turning around. But he stopped speaking when he realized Harley had gone.

"Oh my God, the monster must have summoned her!" cried Crane. "She must have slipped out the door while we were arguing!"

They all raced to the window just in time to see a tall figure dressed in black standing outside, enfolding a hypnotized Harley in its dark cape.

"If you do not take greater care in locking up your precious jewels, they will be stolen from you, clown," said Dracula, smiling up at him.

"Don't presume to lecture me about stealing, pal!" shouted Joker. "I'm a convicted felon!"

"And yet you cannot keep a treasure like Harley safe," murmured Dracula, stroking her hair. "I should say your skills are somewhat lacking. Harley will never have to suffer your buffoonery again. She will take her place at my side while our armies of the Un-dead swarm over the earth. All of you shall be crushed in their path."

"Oh…yeah?" said Joker. "Think of a good retort, Batsy," he hissed.

"We'll see about that," growled Batman at Dracula.

Dracula flashed them a smile and then melted into the night, taking Harley with him.

"That was it?" demanded Joker. "'We'll see about that?'!"

"You think of a better one on the spur of the moment!" snapped Batman.

"This is no time for in-fighting – we have to save Harley," said Crane. "And soon. If Dracula decides to flee Gotham, we might never catch him, and Harley will be lost to us forever."

"No complaints here!" chuckled Joker. "She can be Bela's problem for all I care!"

"Well, I'm not leaving Harley in the clutches of that Un-dead creep," growled Ivy. "He's worse than you, J."

"Why Pammie, I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!" said Joker, grinning.

"I'm not letting an army of vampires take over my town," muttered Batman. "You can stay here, Joker, but the rest of us are going to find Harley."

Everyone followed Batman out of the room, leaving Joker alone. He lay down on the bed, sighing contentedly. "All this room to myself," he murmured. "And no whiny, clingy brat begging me for attention! I tell ya, this is the life."

He thought for a moment. "Course that does mean I have to train a whole new henchwench. And I gotta make her get used to pain, so she'll spend months crying before she enjoys it, just like Harley did at the beginning. And I'd have to put all that effort into being charming so I can seduce another dame. A lotta work, really. A lotta unnecessary work."

He sighed, sitting up and heading after Batman. "The things I do for that useless waste of space. She'd better appreciate this."