"I'm not gonna lie – this is the last place I kinda wanted to be right now," commented Joker, as he, Batman, Catwoman, Ivy, Tetch, and Crane stood outside the gates of Arkham Asylum. "If I didn't know better, Bats, I'd assume this was all an elaborate ploy just to put us back in here."
"I've told you, Joker, I analyzed Renfield here before I became a patient myself," retorted Crane. "Some of my notes should still be in his file – he might have mentioned a clue as to where his Master's whereabouts would be."
"It's a better plan than just scouring all of Gotham," admitted Batman.
"And you think they're just gonna let us see Renfield's file and then waltz outta there, huh?" asked Ivy. "I don't think I need to remind you, Batman, that most of us are inmates there."
"Most of us," agreed Selina, smugly.
"I'll tell them you're under my watch," replied Batman. "Normally I'd just let them keep you in Arkham, but I think it's good to have numbers when fighting Dracula. He can be a slippery character, so the more people to corner him, the better."
"Don't we count as slippery characters?" asked Joker, slightly offended. "But you only ever go up against us solo, or with your little bird pal…"
"Joker, are you actually trying to compare yourself to an Un-dead monster?" demanded Batman.
"Well yeah, in terms of threat," agreed Joker. "That jerk can pick off maybe one, two people per night – I can torch a whole orphanage, blow up a shopping mall, and go on a shooting spree in a hospital, and that's just before breakfast!"
"You don't spread your insanity the way Dracula spreads his vampire contagion, though," pointed out Tetch.
"Oh yeah? What about Harley?" demanded Joker.
"That's one," agreed Tetch. "But the vampire spreads his disease exponentially."
"Meaning?" demanded Joker.
"Meaning that the growth rate of the value of the mathematical function is proportional to the function's current value…" began Tetch.
"Meaning that within a few days, this city could be overrun with vampires," interrupted Crane. "We could be looking at a veritable plague of the Un-dead."
"And it doesn't need that on top of the plague of lunatics it's already got," agreed Selina.
"Starting with your boyfriend," retorted Ivy.
"All of you need to shut up," snapped Batman. "Let's just get in there and get out with as little drama as possible."
"Good luck to us," said Selina, sarcastically.
"Batman…I'll get Dr. Leland," said the receptionist, taking one look at Batman followed by the gallery of rogues. She hurried off and returned a few moments later with Dr. Leland following her.
"Batman, what an unexpected surprise to see you with the inmates…not handcuffed," Dr. Leland said, puzzled.
"We're not staying, Doc," chuckled Joker. "Just popped in for some info, and then we'll get outta your hair."
"It's a bit of a delicate situation, Dr. Leland," said Batman. "If we could talk privately about it…"
"All of you?" asked Dr. Leland, skeptically.
"Yes, I think that's best for now," agreed Batman.
"I'm not sure you'll all fit in my office," said Dr. Leland. "But come along."
They followed her back down the hall and into her office, which they all managed to squeeze into, although it was anything but roomy. "So what is it?" asked Dr. Leland, managing to pull out her chair and sit at her desk.
"This is going to sound kind of hard to believe, but there's a vampire running loose in Gotham," said Batman. "Count Dracula, actually."
Dr. Leland stared at him. "Dracula?" she repeated. "Like the guy from the movies?"
"Actually, he was first referenced in the novel by Bram Stoker," spoke up Crane. "Who took the name from the historical fifteenth-century Wallachian warlord, Vlad Dracula, which loosely translates as 'Son of the Dragon' or 'Son of the Devil,' which has much more sinister connotations…"
"Thanks, Professor, but we don't have time for a lecture right now," interrupted Joker. "See, Dr. Leland, this Dracula creep is being helped out by a former inmate of this institution, a guy which, ironically, Johnny used to analyze."
"Mr. Renfield?" said Dr. Leland, raising her eyebrows. "So he wasn't just babbling mindlessly?"
"Apparently not," agreed Crane. "Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are."
Dr. Leland sighed. "I suppose I should have been suspicious of your diagnosis anyway, Jonathan, considering you later went crazy yourself," she said.
"Anyway, this Dracula creep's got Harley," said Ivy. "So we need to see if Renfield's file gives any clue as to where they might be hiding out."
Dr. Leland sighed again, squeezing her way over to the filing cabinet. "If it's not you people causing trouble in this city, it's vampires or God knows what else," she muttered. "What's next for Gotham – an invasion of zombies?"
"We'll have to see how desperate the writers get for ideas!" chuckled Joker. "Usually when they run out of 'em, they just rewrite the whole universe in a much worse way, and call it the New number-something-or-other."
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Ivy. "What writers? What universe?"
"There's no point in listening to his mindless nonsense, Pamela," snapped Crane, taking the file from Dr. Leland.
"The things Joker says are an insult to nonsense," muttered Tetch.
Crane scanned through his notes. "There's a lot of talk about the Master's imminent arrival, the streets will run red with blood, the darkness will consume the souls of the innocent, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish…"
"Did he say where the Master's arrival will be?" asked Batman.
"He didn't give me an address, no," snapped Crane. "But he did give me some vague rambling…here!" he said, pointing to a page. "'The Master will arrive in screams and blood and mist, on the night of the full moon, in a place where the dead meets the living, and the cross crosses the scribe.'"
Everyone stared at him. "What?" snapped Batman.
"The cross crosses the scribe," repeated Crane. "That's what it says."
"But that doesn't make any sense!" retorted Batman.
"Sorry, you were expecting lunatic ramblings to do that?" asked Selina, sarcastically.
"It's actually not nonsense," spoke up Tetch. "It's a riddle. It obviously means something, and we've been given the clues to figure it out. We just need to figure out what they are."
"I could probably figure it out if I had some time," muttered Batman.
"We don't have a lot of time, Batman," snapped Ivy. "Harley's in danger now, so we need to answer this thing ASAP. And there's a guy in here who could help us with that."
Everyone looked at her reluctantly. "But we don't like to encourage him, Pamela…" began Crane.
"Yeah, if he starts thinking he's useful, he could get even more egotistical than usual, and nobody wants to see that," agreed Joker. "Plus I'd rather Harley die than admit we need him."
"I'm not surprised, J," sighed Ivy. "C'mon, let's just bite the bullet and see him."
"He's in the infirmary at the moment, after his last encounter with Batman," said Dr. Leland, leading them down the hall. "But I think he should be as personable as he usually is."
Batman hung back for a moment, taking the time to call Alfred on his wrist communicator and asking him to look up churches built on crossroads in Gotham. Then he joined the others in the infirmary, where Edward Nygma lay in a hospital bed, looking even more smug than usual.
"So, I understand you all need me to help you," he said. "Your poor, inferior minds have broken under the strain of a simple riddle, and so you come crawling to me, the intellectually superior, for help."
"Skip the gloating, Nygma," growled Ivy. "We need to know what this means: the place where the cross crosses the scribe."
Nygma snorted. "You call that a challenging riddle? I've stumped Batman with ones half as hard as those!"
"Ok, so what's the answer?" asked Batman.
"Well, allow me to illustrate how to solve a riddle," replied Nygma. "First you have to ask yourself what type of riddle this is? You need to think of practical, everyday items, but use your admittedly limited cognitive abilities to put a creative twist on the mundane objects you see before you. It requires ingenuity in thinking, that only a genius like myself possesses. You must solve multiple elements all at once, multi-tasking as only a privileged mind can do…"
"It's the church on the intersection of Stoker and Abraham street," interrupted Batman, for Alfred had just given him the answer. "Cross, meaning a church, crosses, meaning a crossroad, and scribe meaning the writer of Dracula, Bram, or Abraham, Stoker. Let's go," he snapped, heading for the door. Everyone raced out, leaving Nygma alone.
"Yes, I…I knew that!" he called after them. "I was just about to tell you that!"
"Nobody cares, Eddie!" shouted Joker. "Batman solved a riddle before you did! How does that make you feel?"
And even though Nygma was still recovering from numerous broken bones, he had to admit, that revelation hurt him more. A lot more.