[Disclaimer: It is with great regret that I don't own Murdock or Face.]

[Timeline: 1985. Extension of the TV episode "A Lease with an Option to Die". Face feels envious when he sees the relationship between BA and his mother.]

"When she loved me" - sang by Sarah McLachlan
Written by Randy Newman
(from Disney's "Toy Story 2")

[Verse 1]

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful.

Lying awake in some crummy motel room, Face had plenty of time to think about the events of the last couple of days. They had just come back from Chicago, where they had helped BA's mama deal with a gang of good-for-nothing slime-balls.

Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart.

He had enjoyed having a mother figure around. She had fussed over them all, but had made a special effort with Face. He had found it a bit awkward at first, but it didn't take him long to respond to her amiable affections.

And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears.

When it was time to leave, there had been a poignant moment between mother and son as BA tenderly comforted his mama during their farewell. Face had suddenly felt a twang of jealousy. "I wonder if my mom cried when she left me?" he thought bitterly to himself.

And when she was happy, so was I. When she loved me.

It was funny - Face didn't remember his mother, but he sure as hell remembered sitting alone on the orphanage steps. He sighed loudly into the darkness of the room.

A soft voice from the bed next to him, made him jump.

"What's up, muchacho?" whispered Murdock. He had been listening to Face tossing and turning in his bed for nearly an hour. "Are the bed bugs bitin'?"

"Nothing!" answered Face, sharply, before adding, "You wouldn't understand anyway."

"Try me," coaxed the pilot, sitting up and putting on the bedside lamp.

Face blinked irritably as the light invaded his privacy. He didn't move from his vertical position and there was an uncooperative pause before he spoke again.

"I was just thinking – about my mom," gulped Face, barely able to keep the emotion out of his voice.

Murdock took a moment to process this statement. Face had always been very guarded when it came to offering up any information about his mother. He knew he had to tread carefully if he wanted to keep the conman talking.

"I guess you must think about her lots," he finally said. "I do know how you feel, Facey."

"Of course I don't think about her!" retorted Face angrily. "Jeez, I didn't even know her! Besides you don't understand how I feel, Murdock. You always had somebody who loved you and looked out for you. It's not the same thing and you know it!"

[Bridge 1]

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all.

Murdock could have kicked himself for being so patronising. Face was right. Their circumstances were different. Murdock was only five when his mother died, but he had a very vivid memory of her in his head.

Just she and I together, like it was meant to be.

She had been sick during most of the last days of her life, but they had spent every possible waking hour together.

And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her.

They had shared all their aspirations and dreams with each other from her sickbed, whilst he had held her frail hand and mopped her fevered brow. And even when she had taken her last breath, the young HM had always known that she had – and always would - love him.

And I knew that she loved me.

In the absence of his birth father, his grand-parents had very successfully taken over his mother's role until their tragic deaths. They had guided him and helped him deal with his grief and between them they had kept his mother's memory alive.

But Face didn't have that luxury. Damn it, he didn't even have a photograph of his mom, so had no idea what she looked like. As far as the Captain knew, the priests and nuns had been kind to Face, but it was a poor substitute for the implacable love of a mother and father.

"I'm sorry, Face," said Murdock, apologetically. "I guess it's not the same thing. But you've gotta keep thinkin' happy thoughts."

[Bridge 2]

So the years went by, I stayed the same.

Face sighed again. He sat up against the headboard, but still didn't look at Murdock.

"There aren't many happy thoughts, Murdock," he replied sadly. "The truth is, I was fostered over and over again. Eventually, the hurt and disappointment fades away until you don't feel anything anymore."

Murdock was aghast by this confession. Face had never divulged this information before. His heart reached out to him as he tried to comprehend the rejection he must have felt at such an early age.

And she began to drift away. I was left alone.

Face realised that he had done a good job over the years in blocking his mom's memory out.

Still I waited for the day, when she'd say "I will always love you".

But sometimes, like tonight, there was always that nagging doubt in his mind that the reason she abandoned him was because she didn't love him.

[Verse 2]

Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way.

Face closed his eyes. The image of BA and his mama breached the barriers in his mind and just for a moment, he pretended that was him with his mom.

She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do.

He would probably never know why she had abandoned him. He opened his eyes with a start, exasperation shattering his fantasy into little pieces. He pulled back his blankets and swung his legs over the side of the bed, looking over at Murdock.

"Without her love, I thrived on hate and suspicion for a long time," he further divulged. "But I soon realised that revenge would be the only reward – and I didn't wanna go down that road."

Like she loved me. When she loved me.

Murdock jumped out of his bed and was sitting down beside Face in a matter of seconds. He put a protective arm round his buddy.

"Shows you had a good sense of survival – even back them," he observed proudly. "I reckon there was a good reason why she gave you up. Her strength to do it must have come from the fierce, intense love she had for you."

[Outro]

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful.

Face gave Murdock a sombre smile.

"I remember Father O'Malley trying to explain to me that there is no other logical explanation as to how things ultimately work out - except by the hand of God," he said cynically.

Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart.

Murdock screwed up his face in confusion.

"Since when does something have to make sense to be logical?" he asked in a matter-of-fact-voice.

"What's that supposed to mean?" enquired Face, slightly bemused by Murdock's response.

When she loved me.

"Don't you see - orphans are the only ones who get to choose their families," explained Murdock.

"Then I guess that's why we love them twice as much," replied Face, bashfully.

Murdock gave Face one of his own irrepressible grins as he thumped him playfully on the back.

"Ditto that, sweet cheeks!"

Fini

[This song reminds me of the Disney birthday parties I used to have for my daughter when she was little. She's a college student now, but the song still brings a lump to my throat.

I know I have written a similar story about Face and his mother (which some of you may have already read), but hopefully this one tantalises the need to know more about Face's mom.

Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate your reviews, so please keep 'em coming!]