JK Rowling owns Harry Potter
Hermione stumbled out of 12 Grimmauld Place, and as the door closed she nearly threw up. Harry was a murderer. She leaned against the door and tried to suppress the nausea. It was a beautiful day: the birds were chirping, the sun was warm and Harry was a murderer.
She didn't want to go home. Her parents would ask why she was back so soon, and she couldn't face that. Instead Hermione walked to a nearby park where they'd spent time over the years. She found a secluded spot near the duck pond and cried so hard she couldn't breathe. This felt worse than anything she'd ever thought could happen. It felt worse than when she was scared Harry had died. Her Harry had never existed; the boy she'd thought she loved had always been a twisted monster.
Hermione spent the next week intermittently crying in bed, unable to face the idea of moving. She couldn't even read. Her love of books had become associated with Harry and the things they'd read together. Thinking about Harry made the hollow feeling worse, but she couldn't stop herself. Hermione spent hours ranting at an imaginary Harry. She found the perfect arguments to convince him the killing had been wrong. But, her rants always stopped there. Harry couldn't do anything, even if she convinced him he'd been wrong, he would always be a murderer.
Other times Hermione raged at Harry: how dare he use his skills this way. She'd get so angry her hands shook and she couldn't walk straight. But it was still suffused with a sick feeling of disappointment and a wish the nightmare had never happened. To distract herself without leaving home she watched Doctor Who reruns and inane daytime talk shows. At night she had nightmares where Harry killed Dumbledore in front of her. After the second one she knew she shouldn't tell Dumbledore. Harry was a monster; if she told he would kill more people, and it would be her fault.
The week before Hogwarts started seemed to last forever, but eventually Hermione was on the train to Hogwarts. Everyone gathered in a compartment to talk about why Harry was avoiding them. Daphne's irritation was clear despite her cultured drawl, "He didn't even try to come up with a good lie when he visited, 'I'm worried this new dark lord will target me so I should stay away to keep you all safe'. What rot. Harry knows perfectly well the killer has that spasmy spell to knock people out. If he didn't want to just say 'I can't tell you' he could have given me the courtesy of finding a believable lie."
Neville and Ernie looked shocked, "you mean Harry isn't worried about us getting hurt?" Neville asked from where he sat next to the door with his arm around Ginny's shoulders.
Susan gave a humourless laugh, "he probably realized after talking to you," Susan gestured at Daphne, "just how stupid that story sounded; he told me it would be best if he avoided us and that he shouldn't say more. You should give him some slack Daph, he looked completely awful when I saw him."
Ginny looked around, "But why would Harry want to avoid us" she asked in a confused voice. Ginny was happily attached to Neville, but her hero worship had never disappeared.
Hermione snorted, and Luna looked up from the corner at Hermione, and Hermione thought there was a flash of anger in Luna's eyes before she returned to staring at her hands.
After a moment of quiet Daphne said, "Hermione knows what is going on, but isn't going to tell us. Anyways, while I wish he had come up with a better lie, I trust Harry to have a good reason for not telling us and won't try figure it out."
Susan glanced at Hermione and nodded, "I don't want to know if my guess is right."
Hermione watched Harry obsessively in class, barely able to concentrate when he was in the room. Harry's wand was hypnotic. She saw it and automatically thought about the dozens of people it had killed. It was like when Hermione's muggle class visited a castle, and she looked at the killing area in front of a gatehouse and knew human beings like her had died right there.
Harry tried to isolate himself. After their first potions class Neville cornered him, "I know you have a good reason for what you are doing, but Daphne and Susan said you aren't scared we'll be attacked and - can't we help you?"
"I'm sorry," Harry glanced quickly at Hermione and continued with a stiff face, "I am protecting you."
Neville looked Harry directly in the eye, "What happened? You know we'll support you no matter what. And, we need you, you've taught me so much; I wouldn't be half the wizard I am without you."
Harry looked uncomfortable, "I really can't tell you, and," Harry clapped Neville on the back, "You don't need me. You've always had it in you to be great, and I'm proud to have been your friend, but you can stand on your own. You always could, and I don't know if I ever helped you at all."
Hermione saw the same look she'd seen on Harry's face when she called him a monster and something twisted in her that felt like sympathy for Harry. She ruthlessly suppressed it.
Harry caught Neville's eye, "Do you trust me?" Neville nodded, then Harry continued "then trust me that we should go our separate ways."
Neville listened; Luna didn't. When Harry explained it was best she stay away, she listened with her head tilted and a frown, and when Harry finished she shook her head and said, "You've been infested by wrackspurts Harry: they make your brain go all fuzzy. You should try to get rid of them, it's a serious infestation." Every morning Luna walked from the Ravenclaw table to sit next to Harry. He didn't talk to her and she didn't try to make him. Instead Luna silently kept Harry company. However, after a few days he stopped asking her to avoid him and smiled when Luna sat down.
After three weeks of watching Luna join Harry, Hermione felt she needed to do something. So when they met to work on their muggle curriculum Hermione tried to explain, "I don't think it's good for you to be near Harry, he -" Hermione frowned as she tried to think how to put it so she wouldn't be stopped by the vow, and so she could convince Luna that Harry was a dangerous and bad person without hinting at what he'd actually done.
Luna spoke during Hermione's pause. She slapped her pen onto the blue precalculus textbook and said bitterly, "I think he helped the house elves kill their masters, and you found out, and you told him he was evil and Harry believed you." Luna glared accusingly at Hermione.
That was closer than she'd expected, Hermione responded in a noncommittal voice, "the house elves? I hadn't seen that in the Quibbler."
"Daddy doesn't want to print anything he can't prove about the murders, and," Luna became more animated as she continued, "what some wizards do to their house elves is simply horrible. If they thought the way to stop the abuse was - was by killing their masters we aren't going to turn them in."
Somehow the conversation hadn't gone where Hermione had expected; Hermione wouldn't turn in abused house elves either. She frowned, "Why does your father think it was house elves?"
"Well," Luna's face lit up, despite the subject matter, like it always did when she explained her father's theories, "Daddy noticed how the killer is always polyjuiced, house elves would have to become a wizard to use a wand, so that would explain why. And house elves would be able to easily get hairs from different people; isn't it also poetic justice to have the master kill the master? Most importantly, lots of people fled to houses that were unplottable, or under strong wards, and the killer knew where they went to and was able to get right through. Well house elves are always allowed through wards - nobody thinks of them as a threat - and they always know where their families are."
Hermione bit her lip as she thought through the scenario, Luna added, "I think Dobby asked Harry - you know, Dobby probably organized the whole house elf rebellion - well he had Harry figure out something with runes to break the bonds connecting the house elves to their wizards so they could act, and that was what he really did all summer."
Then Luna pointed at Hermione, "You told him he was horrible for helping them kill their awful masters, and he believes you when you tell him things. But he's not. Harry isn't evil or bad, and nothing you say will ever convince me. I know he was your first real friend, but without him - I've told you that I sometimes see things that are likely to happen, and I thought I saw - I was sure that when I got to Hogwarts I'd be hated and everyone in my house would steal my things and make fun of me, and everyone would call me Loony Lovegood, and I would be so lonely and I wouldn't have any friends. And when I met Harry that vision disappeared. He's always protected me, my first night at Hogwarts started like I always knew it would; Anthony Goldstein had already called me 'Loony' when Harry walked up to the table and sat down next to me."
There was a dreamy look in Luna's eyes, "I've told you before but you never believed Harry could be terrifying. The other students didn't like you, but they never bullied you - you're always so confident and capable - you are a bit scary yourself. You never needed him to protect you. I'm not like that. Harry sat down and put his arm around my shoulders, and said 'this is my friend Luna Lovegood, you all will be very nice to her', he stared at Anthony, and Anthony flinched. They all did, and nobody ever made fun of me. He didn't need to do anything he just looked at them and they knew they'd regret it."
Luna smiled as she finished. Hermione had heard versions of the story before, but only now did she truly believe he'd terrified a table of students, many older than him, with a glare. Luna continued in a passionate voice that completely lacked her usual airiness, "Harry always protected me, and I will never leave him alone. Not when he's lonely. You want to tell me I'm wrong, that it's something worse Harry did, perhaps it was Harry, not Dobby, who organized the elves. I don't care." Luna repeated herself emphasizing each word, "I. Don't. Care. You have these weird muggle ideas and think violating some abstract principle can make someone bad, but I don't care. I will always be Harry's friend no matter what he did or how wrong you think it is. So don't try."
There was a long silence as Luna breathed heavily and slowly calmed down. She kept glancing at Hermione. Hermione felt terribly sad as she thought about Luna's story and she didn't understand why, after a long silence Hermione burst out, "I can't. Oh - I wish I could, but - but if I'm friends with him it means I approve of how all those people died. And I can't. I just can't." There was another long silence as Hermione frowned at the papers in front of her. She felt miserable. Eventually Hermione added, "he does need somebody, and-" Hermione didn't know what she wanted to say and instead grabbed their blue textbook, "Come on, these problems won't solve themselves."
Hermione felt jealous of Luna: Harry didn't talk to her, but he needed someone near him, and he was glad Luna was there. And Hermione wished it could be her, that she could simply think "Harry protects me, therefore I'll always support him." But Harry killed people. Lots and lots of people. It didn't matter that they were bad people, he was still a murderer. What Harry did was wrong and no amount of wishing she didn't care would change that. She did care. She always cared, and she would always do what she believed was right no matter how much it hurt.
Hermione didn't notice, but after the conversation with Luna her anger against Harry was gone. Now she just wished she could like him again. He was evil, and Hermione couldn't choose to see that differently, but he was also Harry. And despite her jealousy Hermione felt better when she watched Luna sit next to him. At least Harry wasn't completely alone.
Time passed and as Christmas came closer Hermione felt increasingly sympathetic to Harry. He wasn't happy - he didn't act depressed, but even with Luna he was lonely, and she'd catch him watching them with an expressionless face during meals. Hermione overheard portraits talk about how Harry regularly drank with the Bloody Baron. Often he showed up for breakfast pale and lethargic, with huge bags under his eyes. Harry's nightmares clearly were more frequent, and Luna didn't know how to get him to relax.
Hermione had thought Harry's description of his previous life was a cautionary tale - you shouldn't let hate rule you, no matter what. But now Hermione imagined what it would be like, having all of your friends killed, and suddenly being alone. Her throat tightened and she cried when she imagined how she would feel if Luna and Neville and Ginny and both of the twins, and Sirius and Molly all died. She remembered the time she found Harry drunk her first year - on what must be the anniversary of when their group had been killed in his first universe - and how Harry told her he'd been so lonely. And how happy he'd been that she was there.
And she was forcing Harry to be alone again. Hermione was sure that what she had said, 'people like you shouldn't be near children,' was what convinced Harry to avoid everyone. Hermione had nightmares where she saw Harry's face at that moment and her dream self desperately begged him not to listen to her but he couldn't hear. The dream always ended with Harry saying, "you're right, you always are." Dumbledore had said "Pity those who live without love." And now Harry was without those who loved him.
Her mind constantly circled back to the question: Was it right to leave Harry alone? If they could show him he was still loved, that people did care for him, and that he had been good for them when they were children, perhaps the twisted and wrong parts of him would slowly heal? But Hermione knew she'd been there for him, his friend for years, and it hadn't fixed him. He still chose to kill. And the idea that if she acted like a friend it meant she approved also never left her.
On Christmas Day Hermione finally listened to her doubts. Harry sent her a gift, it was an old book she'd been interested in for the end of year History of Magic project last year, but the library didn't have a copy, and none of the bookstores she normally used did either. Harry included a note: "My contact found this in October; it would be a waste if you weren't able to read it".
Hermione stared at the present, she'd opened it alone with just her parents. Today was the first time she wouldn't see Harry and Sirius on Christmas day. And she missed Harry, missed seeing him, missed talking to him and missed laughing with him. Hermione had other friends but nobody else was Harry.
Her mother came into the room and found Hermione on the couch sobbing while she clutched Crookshanks and the book. Both gifts from Harry. Mum rarely showed physical affection, but this time she gave Hermione a strong hug and let her cry into her shirt.
Eventually Hermione quieted, and her mother asked, "I haven't wanted to pry, but could you tell me what happened between you and Harry?"
"He did something awful, really, really awful. It was wrong. I can't - I can't be friends with someone who would do something like that."
"Oh, honey, what was it?"
"I - I can't tell you," Hermione started to cry again, "but it was…." Hermione couldn't find words that would convey the right emotion, so she stopped speaking, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"You still care for him though, don't you?" Mum looked at Hermione's teary face and waited for her daughter to nod.
Mum had a sympathetic look as she stroked Hermione's hair, "Nobody is perfect - as you grow up you learn people aren't always what you expect them to be, and you need to decide if you can still accept them once you see their flaws. Just because you are someone's friend doesn't mean you always think they are right."
After a few more minutes of hugging Hermione was left alone to think again. She remembered the night Harry was drunk (an eleven year old drunk - she should have known something was seriously wrong with him) when he told her how lonely he had been. And she remembered how lonely he'd been during the term.
He isolated himself because she told him to. Hermione knew that he'd done awful things to himself before - she remembered the story Harry told her about his earlier life, how he'd wanted to die. Was Harry going to do that again? Or would he become a hermit and never talk to anyone, and sit alone reading and until he died in a flying accident. Hermione had a flash of terror - she'd never be able to live with herself if she drove Harry to kill himself.
She'd had doubts since her conversation with Luna, but for the first time Hermione felt truly uncertain. It no longer seemed right to ignore Harry. What mother said was true: nobody was perfect; being friends didn't mean you approved of everything they did. Dumbledore would give Harry a chance to come back to the light. And if Harry was isolated he'd never see a reason to change. Things like friendship and love were important, and Harry had become twisted when he'd lost his friends the first time.
A thrill of excitement went through Hermione as she decided the right thing was to fix Harry through friendship. It was like what Dumbledore had talked about during the closing feast. With that decision Hermione felt like she was floating as the pain that had been always present for the last four months dissolved.
Hermione was more nervous than she'd ever felt when she found Harry on the train; she sat next to him with a dry mouth and a pounding heart and gave a disjointed description of the book Harry had given her for Christmas, not looking at her friend for several minutes, "It gave a completely different perspective on Matilda the Strange - she always seemed like a inexplicable figure - but it now makes sense why she wanted to fool muggles into thinking Stonehenge had been there forever. Her childhood made her think it would be funny. And the story at the end with Maxwell the Oddest establishing an inn for muggles on pilgrimage near the location reveals how wizarding and muggle economies were more closely intertwined before the Statute of Secrecy - and"
Hermione took a deep breath and finally glanced at Harry - she stuttered to a stop at his confused look. Hermione started again, this time looking at Harry, "Thank you for the book, I'm honestly thrilled to have been able to read it." As she ended Hermione gave Harry a bright, nervous smile.
Harry frowned, "Why are you here?" Hermione's stomach sank as Harry started to speak in a cautious tone, "I thought -"
"I was wrong." Hermione interrupted with a squeaky voice, "You shouldn't be alone - it just isn't right. And you were, you were wonderful for us growing up, and even if we don't need you we all want you."
Harry sat back against the green cushions frowned at the floor of the cabin. As his frown deepened Hermione had a sinking feeling; for a terrifying second she thought she'd broken something precious that couldn't be fixed. Harry turned to her with a stiff look but before he could speak Hermione burst out, "By Merlin's beard, don't be stupid. Of course you were good for us!"
Hermione's outburst startled Harry, who blinked and frowned again while looking at her. She caught his eyes and tried to silently plead with him to forget what she'd said about staying away from them and accept that she wanted to be friends again. Finally after he spent a long moment Harry's mouth twisted into a half smile, "I suppose you're right" his mouth twisted further, "you always are."
Something warm bloomed in Hermione's chest when after another long silence Harry gave her a genuine smile and said, "Come on, lets find where everyone else is."
Nobody directly asked Harry why he'd changed his mind or what was different. Though Daphne wanted to know, "Did you finally read the old newspaper reports and discover that the Summer Dark Lord is can kill you without hurting anyone nearby if he wants to?"
Harry gave her a sheepish grin while rubbing the back of his head, "Pretty much, I'm sure what I said sounded like a blatantly obvious lie" Harry smirked at Daphne, "really though I just hadn't seen the newspaper over the summer."
Hermione and Luna talked about Harry's return to the group a month into the spring session. They were in a carriage going to a Hogsmeade; Harry wasn't there because he had gone to London to present a paper on runes, and Neville and Ginny were on a date. Luna approached the topic cautiously, "I'm very happy that we are all… together again; it is much nicer than last semester."
Luna looked sideways at Hermione who frowned at her friend. She knew what Luna was really asking. "Of course you want to know why I changed my mind? " Hermione paused, and her stomach clenched as they bounced along the road, and she remembered how she'd felt on Christmas day. With tears in her voice she rushed out "I couldn't keep doing it. It wasn't right to see him lonely like that. And I missed talking to him. And its not his fault that he became what he is, something horrible happened that twisted him into somebody who could - do what he did - and maybe he'll become better if I'm near him." Hermione stopped again.
"So you still think he's a bad person" Luna asked softly as she watched the thestrals that were invisible to Hermione.
Hermione burst out, "Yes - sometimes I feel guilty and selfish that I'm even talking to Harry, as though it means I approve of what he did, almost like I participated. But I don't, being friends doesn't mean that I approve. Can't you be friends with someone without approving of them? And I can't, I just can't watch him be unhappy. And he's been so lonely before, which is why he became -" Hermione stopped, "Honestly, I try not to think about it. We never talk about it. I don't think we ever will. It wouldn't do any good if we tried."
Luna looked at Hermione as the carriage stopped and they got out, "It probably can't be better. People see the world differently you know; you see it through your beliefs and you can't really choose what you believe." Luna then smiled brightly at Hermione as they walked towards the stand the twins had set up to sell pranking supplies, "I'm glad you and Harry are talking now. Something was wrong with the universe when you two were apart."
Things weren't the same. Harry and Hermione avoided many topics. Also her life had revolved around him before: the idea of emotionally relying on Harry again terrified her. Besides, Hermione never forget Harry was a monster.
Hermione's infatuation was gone. Harry had never been the perfect person she'd imagined that she was in love with. Suddenly Hermione was aware the other boys around her had grown up nicely and were quite fanciable. When Ginny told her Ron had a crush on her, Hermione noticed him for the first time. He was really tall and a bit awkward - but in a cute way. And since Oliver Wood had graduated he'd been the star of the quidditch team, with the confidence and muscles that came from sports. Also, Hermione never consciously thought it, but she was aware Harry had always been weird about Ron. Dating him felt almost like getting revenge on Harry for a grudge she couldn't admit she had. On Valentine's Day Ron and Hermione went to Madame Puddifoot's and became a couple and Hermione got her first kiss from a boy.
Two months later in the Room of Requirements Hermione ranted to an amused Luna, "How was I ever so stupid as to think dating Ronald Weasley was a good idea? I mean, obviously, we have nothing in common: he is a mediocre student who can't be bothered, he thinks women should be like his mum and stay at home and bake cookies while anxiously staring at that bloody clock waiting for her dear husband to come home." Hermione paused as she processed what she had just said. She then waved her hands and backtracked, "not that there is anything wrong with Molly, I love Molly, I just don't want to be Molly. And, Ron expects everyone to care what happens to the Chudley Cannons. I bloody well don't."
Luna laughed as Hermione wound down and settled onto the blue and silver sofa; they'd made the room look like a smaller version of the Ravenclaw common room for Hermione's pity party. Ron spent too much time in the Gryffindor common room for it to be an option. Luna scooted over and gave Hermione a hug, "do you feel better now that you've let that out?"
Hermione frowned at her friend, annoyed by her cheeriness, "You knew this would be a disaster - and so did Harry; I remember how he looked when I told him how I felt after Valentines. He didn't say it, but I could tell he thought it was hilarious." Hermione grabbed one of Dobby's fruit pastries - it sat next to a gallon bucket of ice cream, Dobby had taken her demand for lots of ice cream a bit too seriously - and plaintively asked, "why didn't you tell me?"
"Well, you didn't want to listen, besides it ended well, and you've learned an important lesson," Luna smirked.
"Yes and I'm sure it was terribly amusing for you to watch; you don't need to tell me what Harry was thinking, he doesn't want to make my choices for me, or some rot of that sort. Of course he thought Ron was a silly boyfriend, but it wasn't his place to tell me."
Luna shrugged still clearly amused, and took a bite from her bowl of ice cream, "oooh this is really good, I think Dobby bought it from Fortescue's, try some."
Hermione decided she'd ask Luna and Harry what they thought before she dated anyone else. Harry was useless though. He actually said, "Hermione, It's not my place to tell you what choices to make - but I will always support you." During Hermione's last year she went steady with Ernie MacMillan, but as a pureblood he thought the ideal time for a wedding was the summer after graduation from Hogwarts. Hermione disagreed. Fortunately the bad feelings didn't last very long, and a few months later Susan and Ernie started dating.
While she had plenty of job options, as a child Hermione wanted to go to Oxford - her parents had met during there, and the campus was beautiful. Early during her last year at Hogwarts Hermione learned about a new Ministry of Magic program that made it easier for Hogwarts graduates to go to muggle universities. Between the program and the muggle course Harry had her and Luna take it was possible for her to attend Oxford. When Hermione found out she jumped on the opportunity.
Thank you for reading. Also isn't Luna awesome?