Eren knows that it shouldn't be all that surprising to wake up alone in his bed, but it still makes him cry. A fuck load, actually. He cries a fuck load when he wakes up and feels the empty side of the bed where Levi was, where Levi should be, because he was hoping he would stay.
It also hurts a fuck load when he walks into the kitchen and sees that breakfast had been made. The food's just lying there, no note whatsoever from the man who made it. Nothing.
Eren almost doesn't eat it.
He pulls out a chair and slumps down, pulling the plate to him. While he chews on the toast, he pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts, easily locating the newest one he saved while the owner was sleeping.
Levi.
He almost laughs. The only thing that stops him is the memory of seeing a woman's name on Levi's screen, indicating that she had called him more than five times already last night. Eren brings a hand up to rub at his eyes to wipe at the fresh batch of tears that comes with the memory of reading some of her texts. He doesn't care that he's smearing crumbs and oil on his face, he already feels so fucking dirty.
He bits his lips and screws his eyes shut, squeezing out more tears. He remembers how he almost hauled the ring across the room when he took it out with shaking fingers. In all honesty, he doesn't know what stopped him from throwing it away.
Perhaps it was the guilt from finding out that he slept with a married man.
"Jesus, Eren. What happened to your eyes?"
"Have you been crying?"
Eren brushes his friends off with a wave of his hands. "I need a drag," he says, earning a glare from Mikasa. "For fuck's sake, I'm 24."
"It's not about your fucking age, Eren," Mikasa snaps back. "It's about your fucking problem, because you wouldn't be asking for a drag if you didn't have one, nor would you be sauntering over here with swollen and red eyes like you just had the highest time of your life."
Armin remains silently during Mikasa's outburst while Eren just sits there looking annoyed. He rubs a hand over his face and brings both hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, okay. Christ."
Mikasa exhales through her nose, breathing visibly heavy. She shakes her head and adjusts the scarf around her neck. "I'm sorry, too. Can you just tell us what happened? You suddenly left last night and now you come here looking all… broken."
Eren winces. He still doesn't have a drag and now he either has to explain his situation or lie about it. He doesn't really get much time to choose because the next thing that spills out from Armin's mouth decides for him.
"I saw Levi last night, Eren. I saw you talking to him, and I also saw you leaving with him."
Mikasa whips her head so fast to look at Armin then back to Eren, the latter almost laughs. "What? Eren, oh my god, no. You can't do this to yourself again." The look of disbelief on her face stops him from laughing, but the pain she's showing makes him feel worse. "We were there to pick up the pieces when he broke you, please don't make us go through that again."
There's that feeling again, guilt. He knows that it's not her intention to make him feel like shit, but it still happens. He still curls into himself, clutching nothing in his hand that he brings to his chest, right over his heart.
He doesn't want to make them feel like shit, but it still happens. Armin wraps an arm around his shoulders and he hears Mikasa stand up from her seat, and then she's sitting next to him and copying Armin. She's whispering soothing stuff to him as he tries to calm himself down.
It's not working.
"I still love him," he chokes out, biting his lip to contain a sob from spilling.
He feels Mikasa shake her head. "No, Eren… he's—," she begins to say.
"Married, I know," Eren finishes for her. I know, I saw the damn ring. I know.
"Eren… I don't understand," Mikasa admits, her voice bordering apologetic, as if she's sorry that she can't understand how her brother could still love a person like Levi, a married person. A person who broke his heart and left him like that.
No, you really don't. "I still love him," Eren repeats. "It's still him."
Eren cries, they bring him coffee and tissues but never a cigarette, and he's glad for that. He's glad that he has friends and family that won't let him do crazy shit that he would later regret.
So why did Armin let him walk away that night?
He throws the last piece of used tissue into the trash bin and excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He stands there and just stares at his reflection for some time, before there's knocking on the door and a worried Mikasa asking him if he's okay. Eren sighs, opening the door and giving her a small smile.
"I'm going home," he says, grimacing at how his voice cracks. "Thanks for having me."
She looks like she's about to protest but Eren walks past her, passing Armin and thanking him, too. He leaves the place without further resistance from the both of them and he feels thankful. When he comes home, he fishes his phone out and once again stares at Levi's contact number.
That night, Eren almost calls him. The only thing that stops him is the sudden blaring noise coming from the thing he's holding in his hands. He's getting a call from Jean, and he doesn't feel like answering.
It connects to voice mail and he hears Jean's voice telling him something about work that he just couldn't give a shit about right now. Apparently, the horseface heard from Mikasa that Eren wasn't in the best of state, so Jean dropped a small "Get well soon, idiot, don't worry the gang too much," before hanging up.
Eren wanders off to his bedroom, collapsing on the bed. He turns on the radio and lets random songs play in the air. The first song makes him laugh, the absurdity of the lyrics almost disgusting. The second one makes him feel like dancing. The third one almost makes him turn the radio off. The fourth one calms him down, almost lulls him to sleep.
He realizes that it reminds him of Levi, and he decides that he likes the song.
That night, he dreams of Levi, and he hopes it isn't the last.
The following week is spent with him listening to the song until he falls asleep, and then waking up remembering that he dreamed about Levi. It happens every night with no fail.
When he goes back to work, Jean lightly slaps his head with the papers in his hand. "About time this princess decided to come back."
"Fuck off, Jean. It's only been two days," Eren retorts, adjusting the tie around his neck. He gives the guy a knowing smile, letting him know that there was no animosity whatsoever.
"Three if you count the one when I called you and your royal self never bothered to call back. Whatever, man, just get your ass back to your office, a mountain's piling up there."
"Don't tell me what to do, horseface." Eren starts to walk away when Jean calls him back. "What?"
"Maria's on Saturday? You know, it's Annie's birthday, in case you forgot."
Shit, he totally did. "Yeah, sure," Eren agrees, before he can be any more of a shit friend by remembering what happened last time they went drinking there. He didn't want to bail out on them just because of his fuck ups. He heads to his small office and starts on the work that piled up during the time he was gone.
When he comes home, it's to repeat the cycle of eating, showering, staring at Levi's contact, and then listening to the song. This particular time, he finds himself unable to fall asleep, even after the fourth loop. He picks his phone up and opens Levi's contact information, his finger hovering over the CALL sign. He turns the music down low and takes a steadying breath.
That night, Eren calls him.
He bites his lip, the ringing sound making his insides churn a bit. The first ring makes him jump a bit. The second one makes his heart beat faster. The third one rings in time with him tapping a hand to his chest. The fourth one is cut off short, making his blood freeze.
Levi's voice makes the cold thaw away. "Hello?"
Eren thinks that this sound is even better than the tune he found.
"Hello?" Levi repeats, already starting to sound impatient.
He hears someone click his tongue so Eren rushes to speak. "It's me."
The line is silent. For a moment, Eren thinks that Levi might have hung up on him before Eren had the chance to speak up, or he simply didn't hear.
"Where did you get my number?"
Eren smiles. "How'd you know who it is?"
Again, Levi goes silent. When he speaks up, the words make the smile on Eren's lips widen, like it could split his face into two. "I'd recognize that voice anywhere."
And just like that, the moment is broken when Eren hears someone in the background, asking Levi who he's talking to. He lies, saying that it's someone from work. Eren starts to feel cold again and he wants to throw the phone away and hide in his bed, under the covers, away from the cold.
"Hey, let's talk again tomorrow, I'm sure the planning can go smoothly then. Good night, Jaeger."
The line goes dead, Eren still feels cold, and the song is probably on its sixth loop now. He crawls under his sheets, clutching the phone in his hand and forcing his eyes close.
It doesn't work. After a while, he texts Levi.
"Okay, let's talk again tomorrow. I'll call you." Message sent: 11: 47 PM
He waits. He goes through the short conversation in his head and he tries to omit the sound of Levi's wife talking to him, calling him honey.
He waits. He realizes that he's crawling back to Levi, and he's scared that he probably always will.
He waits. He wonders if the other man's heart is still open for him.
He waits. He dreads knowing what Levi's answer would be although Eren hasn't even asked the question yet. He dreads finding out that the feeling didn't flow both ways.
It's probably on the eleventh loop, and Eren's still cold, when the phone's screen lights up.
"We will. Go to sleep. Good night, Eren." Message received: 12:07 AM
He feels warm again.
"I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new." Message not sent, saved to drafts.