Light in the Dark

by Kate04

Chapter Five – Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Warning: This chapter deals with the loss of an unborn child. If you have issues with this subject, please skip this chapter. It is not essential for understanding the rest of the story. You can skip to the end of the chapter for the information you need for the next chapters.

Time: About fourteen years after the events of Chapter Four, right after The Closer 5x15 "Dead Man's Hand"

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For fourteen years this had been her day for what ifs, the day she took a couple of hours away from work and family, from ringing phones and car pooling to indulge in old regrets and familiar grief. As was her habit, she started with emptying her mind of her present worries to make room for the quiet despair she new would follow.

Today, that proved to be harder than usual. She'd had a tough week full of disappointments and hurt. Ally Moore had used her to get away with killing her husband and it had taken Deputy Chief Johnson and her team to find that out. Sharon had believed the young woman, had bought her act of abused wife. She had been outraged at the thought of one of her own detectives being beaten up at home. Sharon and her team had a special bond born out of the intense dislike they had to face from the rest of the LAPD. She would not stand idly by when one of her officers was mistreated. Ally had known that, had known about Sharon's abhorrence of violence against women and domestic abuse and she had used that against her.

Sharon wasn't angry, not anymore. All she felt now was betrayal and sadness and, if she was honest with herself, embarrassment at having believed Ally and having treated Chief Johnson and her team so unfairly as a result. Her protectiveness towards Ally had cost Sharon her objectivity and professionalism, something she usually didn't allow to happen. That it had happened in front of Major Crimes only added to her mortification.

They were already especially hard to deal with on a good day, when Sharon felt in her element and in control of the situation. This case had flung her far out of her comfort zone, leaving her adrift and helpless. Between the Deputy Chief, the practically gloating Flynn and Provenza and the silent dislike of the other three men Sharon had felt like running or screaming after the first day. Instead she had fought, had shown them where she got her reputation.

In the end, she had apologised to the other woman for being unnecessarily bitchy. They had agreed on mutual dislike and parted ways on somewhat neutral terms. Her professional life would be so much easier if they could just get along with each other. In many aspects of their personalities they were too similar, though. Both were strong and independent, having fought hard to make their way in a world that was dominated by men. They were both set in their ways, stubborn, used to get what they wanted professionally and known to get cranky if they didn't. They would surely butt heads again in the future.

Sharon let her gaze wander over the familiar landscape. The sun was low in the sky and bathed the trees and hills in a divine light. She loved the view and the tranquility this particular spot of Elysian Park provided in the evenings. Every now and then a car would pass, but she had never seen anyone else stop to watch the sun dip into the faraway sea.

Sharon enjoyed the few moments of silence inside her head. She had put the thoughts of the last few days away, but hadn't yet allowed the gates to the past to open. It was the calm before the storm and she required it to gather much needed strength or she would get lost in the darkness of her memories like she had fourteen years ago. The familiar pain slowly spread from her heart through her entire body. She welcomed it like a bothersome relative, knowing that the sooner she let it in, the sooner she would be rid of it again.

The remaining sunlight did little to dissolve the lump of ice, which was making itself at home in her stomach, gradually moving up to choke her. With one last deep breath, Sharon allowed the last walls to fall, closing her eyes against the first sting of tears.

Once again, she felt the paralyzing fear of that night so many years ago, the sudden, sharp pain, the dizziness and nausea and the terrifying realisation that she was bleeding heavily. Sharon had been on her way home, walking through the dimly lit parking garage when it happened. The pain hit her hard, almost knocking her off her feet and she wasn't sure what she would've done if that obnoxious little shit of a lawyer hadn't come by.

They had only parted ways twenty minutes earlier after he had tried to drive her crazy with something his boss, the city attorney, thought important enough that it needed to be discussed at 6 pm on a Friday. She had been glad that her kids were at their respective friends' for sleepovers and that they wouldn't have to wait for their dinner until she'd finally make it home.

She had been tired all day, her back aching more than usual and she had felt the occasional twinge in her abdomen. They had increased in frequency and intensity towards the end of the day, letting Sharon know that it was way past time to go home and rest. As she hadn't informed anyone about her pregnancy yet, she couldn't very well expect them to be considerate of her needs, though, so she kept quiet and tried to stay off her feet as much as possible.

On her way to her car Sharon had decided that it was time to report her condition to her superiors regardless of the fact that she wasn't quite ready for that yet. She wasn't 25 anymore and working somewhat insane hours through a pregnancy simply wasn't feasible. Besides, it wouldn't be possible to hide the visible evidence for much longer.

In the end, she didn't have to report anything. It had all ended that night after 10 weeks and only three weeks after she had finally come up with the courage to find out for sure. It happened, they said. Much more common than one would think, especially at her age. Lucky she had been brought to the ER immediately or the blood loss might have become a more serious problem. Somehow those words hadn't been very comforting. Neither back then as she lay in a busy ER waiting for the contents of an IV bag to slowly drip into her veins, nor now, fourteen years later.

That obnoxious lawyer had sat with her all through the night, refusing to leave once he had found out that there was no one else to do it. She had been endlessly annoyed initially, had wanted to be alone with her despair. Gavin Baker had already cost her the last nerve at work with his sarcasm and his superior attitude. She hadn't needed more of that.

He had surprised her, though. Once he put aside his professional persona, he was a remarkably warm and sweet man and even though Sharon had had a hard time accepting it, his presence had been a godsend. He hadn't talked much, just sat with her, holding one of her cold hands between his, handing her the water glass whenever she got thirsty. He had simply been there without asking anything of her, without forcing conversation on her or expecting any kind of reaction from her. It had been exactly what she had needed – a silent presence, grounding her when she thought she would float away on an ocean of darkness.

Sharon hadn't cried that night. She had been numb, sitting in her own little bubble while the storm raged outside. Nothing had felt real. She had barely had a chance to come to terms with the knowledge that she was expecting a child, not to mention figure out how to deal with the fact that she couldn't be absolutely which of two men could be the father. And suddenly it had all been over, like a dream, only the pain had stayed with her after waking up.

The tears had come much later, after weeks of denying herself into a depression. It had been a long and hard journey back towards herself, but she had recovered eventually, had learned to accept her loss and move on. After digging herself out of that dark place, she had vowed to never let herself go there again. Throughout all this, one man had been a constant in her life. That obnoxious lawyer had turned into a wonderful, supportive and understanding friend, who seemed to always know what she needed.

It was Gavin, who had started this tradition. The year after that horrible night, he had picked her up after work and brought her here, to this place of calm and serenity. They hadn't spoken a word, just sat on the hood of his car and stared out over the trees into the distance as the sun went down.

There was no grave to visit, no official place to commemorate that person she had never had a chance to meet. Instead, Sharon had come here every year. This spot was her special place, the one location she allowed herself to remember and to cry. It was an unremarkable patch of dirt at the side of an equally unremarkable road and most people just passed by without even noticing it. They never slowed down to see the light change, going through the different shades of orange, purple and blue until all that remained was the pale moon and the artificial light from streetlamps, cars and homes. They never paid any attention to the car, which was parked by the side of the road or the lone woman, who sat on its hood, tears streaming down her cheeks, a single flower clutched in her hands.

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Andy was dreadfully tired. The last few days had been hell. Their case had been annoying from the start – just a little favour for a fellow officer. Only, that officer had been no other than Darth Raydor and the little favour had turned into something a bit more complex. Because of Raydor's involvement, everyone had been irritable - especially the Chief - and the mood in the murder room had constantly switched from tense to volatile and back.

In an attempt to relief some of the tension, Andy had painted a witch onto the board and thus created a new nickname for the FID captain. It had been unintentional, but he rather liked it and maybe it would even replace Provenza's favourite nickname for her. The Wicked Witch was far better than Nurse Ratchet. Andy had always thought that one a little too mean. Sharon Raydor sure was somewhat obsessed with the rules and she could be annoying as hell, but she was not really cruel or unfair – apart from that one time she had sent him to one of those endless sensitivity seminars.

Despite his exhaustion, Andy was content. Their case was closed, Captain Raydor had wandered back to her own floor, and the murder room was their own again. In addition to that, he had just made it to the stadium on time to meet his contact and buy those skybox tickets he wanted to give Provenza for his birthday.

As he often did on the way home from the stadium, Andy decided to drive through Elysian Park. It was far from the direct route, but he liked the quiet roads and the beautiful landscape, especially this close to sunset. Whenever he had the time, he liked to drive along the smaller streets, which went further up into the hills. That was just what he needed to end this day.

The Crown Vic by the side of the road made Andy slow down. The decision to pull up behind it was an unconscious one, being made upon seeing the familiar figure sitting on its hood, arms wrapped around her body and misery flowing off her in heavy waves. He had no idea what compelled him to get out of his car and walk over to her, to lean against the car beside her. She did not look particularly happy to see him. If at all possible, she withdrew even further into herself, her voice and eyes hard and cold as ice as she faced him.

"What are you doing here?"

That was a very good question; one he didn't have an answer to. He didn't look at her as he tried to come up with something to say. Many things came to mind; none of them seemed appropriate, though. He studied her out of the corner of his eye. Tears were running down her cheeks as she stared into the distance again and her reddened eyes and ruined makeup told him that she must have been here like this for a while.

Andy couldn't remember ever seeing anyone look so dignified and graceful while falling apart, but he should have known that Sharon Raydor wasn't the kind of person who broke in a loud and dramatic way. She also wasn't the kind of person, who appreciated having anyone witness her quiet breakdown and her body language made that abundantly clear.

He decided to ignore that fact. It might have been arrogance that had him convinced his presence was needed, or maybe it was acknowledgement that he suddenly had a chance to repay her for those times she had been there for him when no one else was. Regardless of the reason, he couldn't bring himself to leave. His voice was quiet and deep, his tone lighter than the mood might call for as he finally replied to her question.

"You looked like you could use an extra pair of shoulders to unload onto."

Her derisive snort was followed by a reply that practically dripped with resentment.

"You are the last person I want to talk to right now, Lieutenant. What is it you really want? Are you looking for some good gossip to spread at work? I bet you could dine out on this for weeks; the guy, who saw the Wicked Witch cry. You'd be everybody's hero."

Her words stung, but he couldn't blame her. It suddenly dawned on him that she must have overheard their grouching and name-calling. For some reason it had never occurred to him that she might be hurt by the open antagonism towards her, which was thoughtless and stupid. Suddenly, the enjoyment of his newly invented nickname turned into embarrassment and shame.

The moment the words had left her mouth, Sharon felt bad for having uttered them. She knew she was being unfair, was just trying to push him away to protect herself. She wanted to be alone, being desperately uncomfortable with anyone witnessing this rare moment of weakness. Besides, Andy's presence only served as an additional reminder of her loss, considering the fact that he was quite possibly a lot more involved in it than he was aware of.

It wasn't about name calling at all. That didn't bother her and she shouldn't have bitten Flynn's head off like that. She sensed his discomfort in the way he moved his weight from foot to foot, his eyes on the ground in front of them.

She heard his deep sigh and felt him shift some more, before his shoulder gently brushed against hers.

"I'm sorry, Sharon. I was too busy being an asshole to think about the effect it would have on you. I never meant to hurt your feelings with my stupid doodle. It was unfair and uncalled for."

This she hadn't expected. She knew that underneath all his anger and sarcasm, Andy Flynn was a decent man, but she had never thought he'd actually apologise for something as irrelevant as a little doodle – one she had actually found rather amusing, if she were honest.

For a long moment, they sat in silence, their eyes following the path of the sun as it moved towards the horizon. His apology and subsequent nervousness was somewhat disarming and Sharon didn't know how to react. Her anger vanished as fast as it had appeared, leaving her feeling cold and exposed. His presence had pulled her mind away from her dark memories for a while, but they were still lurking in the back of her mind, a heavy weight on her soul she couldn't shake off just yet.

Releasing her arms from the firm hold they had around her chest, Sharon let her hands fall into her lap, twirling a single purple daisy between her fingers.

"Thank you, Andy. I'm not upset about that, though."

It was all she could say for the moment as her eyes finally landed on the small, white stone a few feet in front of them. The cold fist of grief closed around her throat once again and fresh tears started to trickle down her cheeks. The stone was almost hidden beneath a bush and wouldn't be much different from all the other stones if it weren't for the small cross and heart engraved on its surface.

It had been a gift from Gavin on the fifth anniversary. He had simply turned up at Parker Center during her lunch break, told her to join him in the parking garage and handed her a box with the instruction not to open it until sunset. Then he had hugged her before taking off once again.

The gentle touch of warm fingers against her cold ones startled her. It was just a fleeting contact, a soft brush of skin on skin, gone before she had a chance to feel uncomfortable at the intimacy of it. Sharon briefly looked into warm brown eyes, then let her gaze return to the stone once more.

"You want to talk about it?"

His eyes were fixed on the flower she held between her fingers and his tone was as gentle as his touch. She didn't think she could. The thought of forcing words through her constricted throat was inconceivable. Out of some subconscious impulse, Sharon leaned a little closer to him. Their arms didn't quite touch, but they were close enough for the warmth of his skin to seep through the material of her top.

When the words tumbled out of her mouth, her voice raw and broken, they came as a surprise to both of them.

"I lost a child fourteen years ago. I had only found out I was pregnant a few weeks before."

Her voice crumbled under the pressure of her tears and silence once again lingered heavily between them. After a long moment, she felt Andy suddenly tense next to her and she looked at him from under her lowered lashes, dreading what she might see.

His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. When he did, he sounded choked, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides.

"Was it –" He couldn't finish his question, but it rang loud and clear between his grief-stricken face, his twitching jaw muscles and the tension in his shoulders.

Was it ours?

It was a question Sharon had asked herself countless times over the years. She had somehow hoped that he wouldn't make the connection, but apparently she had underestimated him.

"I don't know."

Her whispered answer had been the same every time, evoking the same painful feeling of guilt and regret now as it had fourteen years ago.

Before she gazed into the last orange rays of the setting sun again, she caught sight of the distant look in his dark orbs and felt a burn in her own eyes.

They didn't speak again, both silently watching the final change of the light from orange over purple to dark blue, their joint grief and regrets covering them like a heavy cloak.

Once the first stars appeared in the sky, Sharon slid off the hood of her car and, after hesitating for a moment, let her fingers brush down Andy's arm, clasping his hand in a firm grip. He followed her slight tug, and together they walked the few feet to the small stone and knelt in front of it.

Andy traced the engraving with his fingertips and watched as she placed the daisy on the smooth surface. Sharon let her hand rest on the cold stone for a while, the other one still firmly holding his.

When they finally stood, she felt him drop her hand as he took hold of her shoulders to move her in front of him. The warmth of his solid body behind her and his strong arms holding her close were comforting and grounding, yet she felt fresh tears stream down her face as she looked at the night sky.

As he rested his equally wet cheek against hers, Sharon welcomed the knowledge that she was no longer alone in her grief.

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End Notes: If you didn't read this chapter, here is what you'll need to know:

After their one night stand years ago, Sharon found out she was pregnant, but she lost the child. She doesn't know if it was Jack's or Andy's baby. Sharon and Andy bond over the shared loss (potential loss in Andy's case) 14 years later.