(Nostalgia Critic Intro Theme)

Hello, I am the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to. Thousands of years ago, a volcano, Mount Vesuvius destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii. This tragedy left millions of people all over the empire scarred for life. Only a few were alive to witness it. The eruption left many of them confused and afraid. And we can agree, it is an event no one in human history could never forget. Ok, you know the punchline! This is Pompeii the movie, not the actual event!

We first begin with opening credits with the director labeled Paul W. S. Anderson.

I'm not lying, Pompeii is directed by Paul W. S. Anderson. The same guy that did the Resident Evil films, Alien vs. Predator, and Mortal Kombat. That bastard! Every time I watch his films I want to blow my head off! Which I almost did.

The film starts with a quote from Pliny the Younger telling the horror of the destruction of Pompeii. Then shows bodies of the victims who got caught in the volcanic eruption. Thank you for giving away the ending, Paul W. S. Anderson!

Then we find ourselves in Britannia, 62 A.D where a little boy wakes up as the Romans wiped out an entire village. Wow he is just stood around watching all of his people get slaughtered as if he does not know what the hell is going on. His mother grabs him and a second later she gets run over by a horse. Wow, that was pointless. These Roman soldiers are being led by Jack Bower. (Nostalgia Critic slaps himself in the head finding that stupid.) Jack Bower?! You got to be shitting me! He does not sound like a Roman!

Anyway, Jack Bower kills a woman and they dragged her and her son into a pile of bodies. What a surprise, the boy was still alive and then got captured.

A few years later, we see him now grown up to be Jon Snow. He is a badass gladiator with a slick bread, tight big abs, and long black hair. I am not kidding. A lot of girls who saw this movie went nuts over his abs.

Two hours ago,

Tamara: (Went into Nostalgia Critic's movie room while he started watching Pompeii. She saw the abs of Jon Snow.) Oh my god, his abs! He has such nice abs!

NC: (Jumped off his couch as he was started.) Tamara, I am busy right now! Could you just leave for a while?

Tamara: But he has such beautiful abs!

NC: Get out!

(Tamara leaves his movie room. Nostalgia Critic turned to see her head peeking through the window. She kept her eyes on Jon Snow's abs.)

NC: Get out! (He closed the curtains and continued to watch the movie.)

And now back to the present,

The problem with him hits right now, he shows no emotion as he was about to fight other gladiators. Oh, what is his name actually?

They called him the Celt.

Well, that is what they call him then. Now we get to watch a few seconds of him staring blankly at the other gladiators. Staring, staring, still staring. (Nostalgia Critic hits a bell hanging over his desk.) And their off! He killed the other gladiators and stormed out of the arena.

Then the movie shows us the map of Europe showing only London and Pompeii. They don't show where they travel. Did they go by sea or across land? Apparently they have the slaves walk in chains all the way from London to Pompeii. If that were the case, then it would take months to walk that far.

A carriage rolled passed the slave as it was coming from Rome. Gee, I wonder who that could be. (Sarcasm) In the carriage was Babydoll and either her friend or servant. I don't know! Anyways, the carriage hit a deep puddle in the road. One of the horses fall one its side and broke its leg. Jon Snow insisted on helping it because he is Irish and lived with horses. As Babydoll allowed him to help the horse, he snapped its neck. (Nostalgia Critic's mouth opened with shock.) His slave keeper chained him back up and Babydoll gets a couple of minutes to admire his body.

Servant: Why would the brute do that?

Cassia: Because it was the kindest thing to do.

(Crickets. Nostalgia Critic was speechless.)

WHAT! Babydoll has admired him as if killing her horse never happened. What? Jon Snow puts the horse out of its misery and she finds that attractive and the kindest thing to do? This makes absolutely no sense at all! I'm guessing Paul Anderson had to come some random way to get the two to meet. What the fuck!

We then finally get a glimpse of the one and only Pompeii with the giant volcano next to it. The volcano has an open crater, an open crater?

(Someone was calling for Nostalgia Critic on Skype. The agents and Chuck stopped thinking it could be Paul W. S. Anderson. Sarah nodded for him to answer it. It wasn't Paul W. S. Anderson, it was Neil Degrasse Tyson.)

Tyson: Hi Critic!

NC: Hey Tyson, what is up?

Tyson: I just want to know what you are up to.

NC: (He looked at the agents making sure he does not blow their cover.) I am in the middle of reviewing that Pompeii movie directed by Paul W. S. Anderson.

Tyson: That movie is very scientifically inaccurate. Perhaps I would assist you by providing accurate information about the eruption.

NC: Perfect! I just got to the part where they finally got to Pompeii and that volcano has an open crater.

Tyson: Before that volcano erupted, it looked like an ordinary mountain with vast amounts of vegetation and no crater. The volcano to erupt many times, leaving an opened crater which we see today.

NC: Thank you, you get brownie points!

They finally got to the city and Babydoll decided to leave her carriage. She strode all across the city to her private villa where she was reunited with her family, her father Ulysses S. Grant from Lincoln and mother Trinity from The Matrix. I am not lying, Trinity is in this movie.

Cassia: I couldn't not spend another day in Rome. Too many arrogant men who flatter you with their presence.

Trinity: It sounds like my baby isn't a child.

What does that have to do with her leaving Rome early? She then hugs her father and he tried not to cry. He told her not to tell anyone about it. Ok, then.

Ulysses S. Grant: Is this all your luggage? What did you do, packed the entire city of Rome?

Yup, we do know another thing, she spends a lot of money like a spoiled brat. (Clip from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where the girl sings, "I want it now!")

Jon Snow was taken to the dungeon along with other gladiators. One douchebag came up to him while eating wanting to kill him. Jon Snow fights and karate chop his ass. He was then thrown into a cell where Mr. Echo is his cellmate. Mr. Echo says, "You owe me too rations Celt." And Jon Snow says nothing.

We get a glimpse of the crater of Mt. Vesuvius filled with lava. One of the servants rode one of the horses. Then an earthquake happened and he fell into a big crack. Wow, what a surprise. Bye bye.

Tyson: Like I said, Mt. Vesuvius did not have an open crater before it erupted. Since it is a stratovolcano, it cannot have a lake of lava based on the magma content. If it were to release lava, it would not go very far because it is rich in silica.

NC: Another brownie point for my man!

Jon Snow woke the next morning and sees Mr. Echo staring at the candles and a stick thing. Mr. Echo seems to be a threat to Jon Snow and asked what his name is.

Mr. Echo: What is your name? We will have to speak at some point.

Jon Snow: No, we don't. What we have to do is kill each other at some point. So my name's my own, I have no interest in learning yours.

Well, they are good cellmates for the moment. During their training, the head guard told him that he will have one more fight to win and he would be free the next day. But first he must chose who he wants to kill.

Mr. Echo: Now who's the poor bastard who has to die for my freedom?

And what do you know, Jon Snow volunteers and they have their first fight in the arena. During their fight, he taunts Jon Snow saying that Jon Snow is too weak and obvious to be a champion like him. He hoped that he would get a chance to kill him. The camera focused on them too close and I don't know what the hell is going on. Eventually, Jon Snow knocked him down and another gladiator tries to kill him from the back. Then Mr. Echo saves him. What? He wants to kill Jon Snow, but saved him?

Jon Snow: Why did you save my life?

Mr. Echo: No gladiator should die from a blade to the back. When you die it should be to the front and it will come from my hand.

Jon Snow: Well, I can make you a better promise: When you die, it will be quick and it will come from my hand.

Hum, How about you say thank you for saving my life? I really can't stand looking at the expression on Jon Snow's face when he said that. Mr. Echo continues to taunt him and Jon Snow does not seem afraid or angry at him. He looks like Bella Swan from Twilight. (Nostalgia Critic has a picture of Bella Swan to compare her expression with Jon Snow's.) See? They look alike. Come on, give him some facial expression!

Jack Bower arrives from Rome to take control over the city. As he enters the city, the citizens turn their backs on him. The soldiers set up camp at the front of Babydoll's villa.

Trinity: Don't worry; your plan is nothing short but brilliance. Only the madman would the emperor be against in investing.

Ulysses S. Grant: And let us hope that the emperor did not sent us one.

Too late! They entered Jack Bower's tent and he turns out to be the emperor's senator. Jake Bower accompanied by his lieutenant/bodyguard arrives to make business with Ulysses S. Grant and Trinity to reconstruct the city. As they meet Jack Bower, listen to this. (Jack Bower speaks with a funny British accent.)

Jack Bower: I'm Senator Corvus.

(Nostalgia Critic giggled with he heard that name.) What's his name again?

Jack Bower: I'm Senator Corvus.

(Nostalgia Critic giggled again.) Please tell that is the only time we hear that name.

Jon Snow: Corvus!

Babydoll: Corvus!

Assistant: Corvus!

Ulysseus S. Grant: Corvus!

Well, there are not enough images of slaughtered bunnies in the world to give me not to laugh at that.

Trinity: Corvus!

(Nostalgia Critic laughs.)

Ok, seriously, why the hell did Paul W. S. Anderson cast him as the villain? You can already tell without knowing he killed Jon Snow's people. It is as if he got to put on a mustache! It is hard to not notice it!

Meanwhile, Babydoll's horse returns running around the villa. Babydoll wondered where one of her servants went. Then we see Trinity looking up the mountain. Is that mountain going to blow up anytime soon? Because I am!

We cut back to Jon Snow and Mr. Echo in the dungeon. Mr. Echo continues to taunt him about killing him the next to earn his freedom. He even told Jon Snow how he would kill him. Yet Jon Snow said a few points about Mr. Echo's weakness that would make it possible for Jon to win.

Later that night, the two gladiators were taken out of the arena to the villa. As they walked down the street, they sudden had to slow down the film so we could see that Jon Snow was looking at Jack Bower's assistant. Was the slow motion really that necessary? The assistant didn't even look at him.

At the party, Jack Bower wants to invest in making the city better, which makes Ulysses S. Grant uncomfortable.

Next we get a shot of Babydoll and her servant looking at Jon Snow again.

Servant: The slave who can talk to horses. He is a fine specimen.

He snapped Babydoll's horse neck! When we saw him with a horse, he killed it! How does she know that he is a horse talker? From what we know, the two witness him killing that horse. He doesn't talk to a horse, he kills it!

Jack Bower ordered Ulysses S. Grant to fetch Babydoll with a cup of wine. He even creeps her as they had met before in Rome, making her family feel even more uncomfortable. Ulysses S. Grant demanded to know what the hell is going on. But Jack Bower was like, "Don't worry, we'll explain it at the arena tomorrow." He was then like, ok there is nothing I could do about it.

At a royal party, the gladiators were sexually massaged by ugly old women. During the party, another earthquake hit.

Jon Snow: Is this normal?

Mr. Echo: It is the mountain. It rumbles from time to time.

And Jon Snow was like, ok. Nothing to worry about. A little do they know, their lives will be in ultimate hell. And by the way, how does Mr. Echo know that?

Tyson: Back then nobody knew the volcano was making the quakes. No one knew the warnings of the upcoming eruption.

NC: Have you looked over the documentaries Paul Anderson? You should have done more fucking research! Seriously!

One of Babydoll's horses freaks out in the stable by the earthquake. She wanted Jon Snow since he is good with horses. He is probably going to kill another one for her. Just to be romantic! He gets into the stable and calmed it down. Then he thought, "Hey, why don't I get away by riding this horse?"

But Babydoll catches him the act. (Hum, hi there! I did not kill your horse. I swear I'm not trying to escape.) Busted!

Babydoll: How did you do that?

Jon Snow: I asked

Now you didn't! You just slowly approached the horse and placed your hand on it! Then he goes on saying that his people were horsemen that got wiped out by the Romans. She felt sorry for him and he snapped at her thinking how a Roman can feel sorry. Then she goes defending, "I'm not a Roman, I'm a citizen."

The Romans took over nearly the entire continent of Europe. I am not a historian, but I know about that for years. Pompeii is a city in Italy, what is one of the countries taken over by the Roman Empire years before the volcanic eruption. Anyways, back to the movie!

Babydoll: After a year in Rome, I hope to never see that eagle again. Yet, here it is thrust into the soil of my home. My father believes he could bargain with those animals.

Jon Snow: My father, he would have killed every last one of them.

(Sarcastic laugh) Good romantic conversation.

She warned him that if he gets caught, they'll punish him. He offered her to join his escape. She automatically accepted it without getting to know him. La la la la la la! They rode the horse out of the palace and on the slope of the volcano. What the..(giggle) the (giggle).WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?!

Just where in the hell was Jon Snow taking her? The two strangers looked across the city and stared into each other's eyes. But that all ended with Jack Bower's soldiers catching up to them. Babydoll wanted Jon Snow to leave her so he could escape. But he turned down his escape because I don't know!

Babydoll: If you ride, you have a chance at freedom.

Jon Snow: But at what cost to you? Tell the guards I brought you here by force. The blame is mine.

(Nostalgia Critic grabs a market and piece of paper and write "WHAT?")

Next Jack Bower was about to kill Jon Snow when Babydoll begged for his mercy. They were forced to watch Jon Snow about to get wiped many times. She begged her father to stop it, but he said this.

Ulysses S. Grant: There is nothing I could do about it.

Nothing you could do about it? You are supposed to be in charge of the city, you should be the one to kick Jack's ass out! Or even better Babydoll should grab her katana and chop his head off! I don't need this shit!

Babyroll: Fifteen lashes and he didn't make a sound. I could have prevented this. I don't know what I was thinking.

Servant:He made you feel alive?

Babydoll: He made me feel... safe. A man like that does not need to die in the arena.

And yet you don't know anything about him. He killed your horse, calmed down your other horse, and he has a sexy body. This really a rip off of Titanic. Rich girl falls for a poor boy. Jack is a poor artist, Rose is a rich girl. Jon Snow is a poor guy, Babydoll is a rich girl. You see the pattern here?!

Another earthquake and Mr. Echo said that the Gods are making the Earth shake. Jon Snow believed that something very big would be coming soon. Maybe that something big would be a volcanic eruption. As Mr. Echo took care of Jon Snow's back, he said like he still had no emotion.

Jon Snow: I saw the man who killed my whole family. Perhaps the gods spared me for a reason.

You don't sound so upset here. I would be enraged and throwing this around. I would be yelling, shouting, anything I would do to be pissed off. Hell you are a gladiator; you should show anger against someone that killed your family! What are you trying to be Indigo Montoya from The Princess Bride? Because it is not working!

Indigo Montoya: Hello, my name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die.

Mr. Echo wanted to kill Jon Snow for his freedom and yet they officially become friends. We are now halfway through the movie and they finally introduced themselves. Jon Snow is actually named Milo and Mr. Echo is Atticus.