Lord of the Coffee, An Introduction To A Prelude
with all respect to Prof T... well, at least a LOT of respect, and a little ornery humour...
Concerning Half-caffs
This book is largely concerned with coffee, in all its varieties and forms, but also to be found here is some information about Half-caffs, and from these pages a reader may discover much of their character and a little of their history. Further information will also be found in the selection from the Red Book of Recipes that has already been published, under the title of The Hobbean. That story was derived from the earlier chapters of the Red Book, composed by Bilbean TeaBaggins himself, the first Half-caff to become famous in the world at large--and to all accounts, he is still at large; 'ME's Most Wanted' posters are still seen in post offices all over Erebor and Eriador. There is a reward offered.
Many readers, however, may wish to know more about this remarkable people from the outset, while some may not possess the earlier book. For such readers a few notes on the more important points are here collected from Half-caff-lore.
Half-caffs are an unobtrusive but very gregarious people, more numerous around a nice uncomercialized café than to be found at a Starbucks. They love peace and quiet and well ground coffee; a well-decorated and well-furnished bagatelle is their favourite haunt... but rarely, a well. They do not and did not understand or like machines more complicated than a coffee grinder, an espresso-press, or a bread-machine, though they were skillful with beans of all roasts. Even in ancient days they were, as a rule, shy of 'the Big Folk', as they call us, and now they avoid us with dismay and are becoming hard to beat to the fresh donuts.
They are quick of hearing and sharp-eyed, and though they are inclined to be fat and do not hurry unnecessarily, they nonetheless get the drop on us clumsy, log-footed Java-hounds. They possessed from the first the art of making danish disappear swiftly and silently, when large folk they do not wish to share with come blundering by, begging to borrow a cup of sugar or milk; and this art they have developed until to Men it may seem magical. But Half-caffs have never, in fact, studied magic of any kind, and their talent for making breads, candies, fruit-turnovers, and cakes, not to mention coffee and tea beverages disappear in a twinkling is due solely to a professional skill that heredity and practice-- and a close friendship with the chef-- have rendered inimitable by bigger and hungrier races.
For they are a little people, smaller than Dwarves-- less stout and stocky, that is, even if they are not actually much shorter--and their passion for coffee is often blamed for this reduced height, as well as their habit of smoking pipeweed. This is oft discussed as well for being the reason that they grow upon their feet a thick swath of curly, almost woolly, hair and those feet are generally large and well-groomed, however they may be portrayed upon the silver screen.
They dress in bright colours, being notably fond of yellow and green, and generally weave cloth that is easy to launder and remove coffee-stains. They wear no shoes, of course, having thick leathery soles on their feet, and their faces are good-natured and friendly, and generally smeared with jam. Their mouths are apt to laughter, and to eating and drinking. And laugh they do, and eat and drink, often and heartily, being fond of simple jests at all times, and of six meals a day (when they could get them); breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, third breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, twosies, teatime, snacktime, half-time, dinner, after-dinner, supper, aperitif, coup d' grais, and midnight morsel; which is of course more than six and you see how delighted half-caffs are with the joy of drinking coffee; (if you don't ever sleep, that is eight more hours you can be eating!).
It is plain that in spite of later estrangement Half-caffs are relatives of ours: far nearer to us than Elves, or even than Dwarves. Of old they spoke the languages of Men, after their own fashion, and liked and disliked much of the same things that men did; coffee with cream, carry-out food, and microwave ovens. But what exactly our relationship is can no longer be discovered. The beginning of Half-caffs lies far back in the Elder Days that are now lost and forgotten. Only the Elves still preserve any records of that vanished time, and their silence has long been bought with Half-caff blackmail payments, dutifully delivered every third Starday in a plain paper bag with a fresh batch of Toll House Cookies.
Yet it is clear that Half-caffs had, in fact, lived long and quietly in a world full of strange creatures beyond count, so that these little people seemed of very little importance. But by the days of Bilbean, and of NescaFrodo his heir, they suddenly became, by no wish of their own, both important and renowned, and troubled the digestion of the counsels of the Wise and the Great.
It is widely believed that the use of pipeweed among the Big Folk is actually to relieve the heartburn caused by worrying about these adorable little people. Wizards have been known to burst into spontaneous fits of pipe-smoking just on the mention of Half-caffs.
Try it with your Istari friends! wink!