The Long Expected Tea Party

My Dear Freeloading Relations and Gluttonous Guests, began Bilbean TeaBaggins, at the celebration dinner of his Birthday Party. He rose in his place to deliver his Speech, taking a place standing on a barrel under the vast Party Tree that sprawled in the air over the pavilion. The crowd of half-caffs, virtually every one in the entire Shire and quite a few from out of it, began to cheer maniacally. The coffee had been flowing tonight!

My dear TeaBagginses and Toffins, he began again, and my dear Cooks and StarBrandybucks, and Muggs and Chuggs, and Teatotalers, and Folgers, Girthhurdlers, Goodfellas, Crockhouses, Madhatters, Whiterabbits, and Doormice.

"DoorMOUSES!" shouted the Doormouse from the back of the pavilion. He had his small pink feet up on the table, and his long hairless tail was dipped in the jam jar.

Whatever, said Bilbean goodnaturedly. Also my good Snackville-TeaBagginses that I welcome grudgingly back to TeaBag End; Lobrielia, please note that all the silver teaspoons have been welded to the tabletop.

Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday! I am eleventy- one today! There came a great chorus of "Hurray! Happy Birthday! Where's the cake?" and other such greeting as half-caffs are wont to display on such occasions.

I hope you are all drinking as much coffee as I am! Deafening cheers. Whipped cream and champagne-creamer were sprayed and tossed about. Cries of Yes (and No) were heard.

Bilbean raised a hand for silence, but they ignored him, being hit hard by their caffeine rushes. The half-caff grabbed a party horn and blew three piercing notes for attention. The noise subsided.

I shall not keep you long, More cheers. I have called you all together for a Purpose.

Indeed, for Three Purposes! First of all, to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all, and that this is a really good excuse to drink a lot of coffee and stay up all night watching Gandgulp's magnificent Fireworks! Much cheering, and the Grey Wizard stood up and bowed happily. He sat down again and resumed blowing bubbles out of his pipe. He would get even with those two rascals, MochaMerry and Drippin, for putting soap in his pipeweed pouch.

I don't drink half as much coffee as half of you do, and I pay twice as much for latté as I should, when I go to Starbucks! Huge roar of agreement and some muttering.

Secondly, we are here to celebrate my Birthday, or rather OUR Birthday, as this is also the birthday of my nephew and heir, NescaFrodo."

NescaFrodo stood up to take a bow, after disengaging himself from a clinging blonde girl in a blue dress with a white pinafore who had appeared out of nowhere and attached herself to him like a leech, staring at him with big, star-struck eyes. Sanka quickly organized NescaFrodo's cousins MochaMerry and Drippin as crowd-control. The girl was discreetly bagged and removed from the party.

Bilbean continued his speech, NescaFrodo turns of age and comes into his inheritance today. At this, the Snackville-TeaBagginses scowled and wondered what he had meant by this mysterious statement. (Clearly, they were not the crispiest animal crackers in the box!)

And thirdly and finally, he said, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT! Bilbean declared in his 'outside-outside voice'. He patted his pocket absently, the gold chain clipped to his silk waistcoat glittering in the lights under the vast sprawling tree above them, Even though eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such creamy and delicious half-caffs as yourselves, I regret to announce that this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW! Adieu, bye-bye, cheerio, ciao, eighty-eights, farewell, Godspeed, so long, swan song, toodle-oo. GOODBYE! He stepped down and vanished.

Bilbean had not truly vanished, however, but had merely appeared to do so. He had been fiddling with a ring of coffee that he had in his pocket, a souvenir from his old Adventure Days, and as he had finished his speech, he had slipped it onto his finger. When he wore the Coffee Ring, he was so invigorated that he could move faster than the eye could see. He raced out of the pavilion and was never see by any half-caff in the Shire again.

Everyone at the party fell silent. The half-caffs stared around, wondering where Bilbean had gone, and if he expected him to clean the place up. The Mad Hatter chuckled and nibbled on his coffee cup. The White Rabbit was pawning his gold watch off to a Dwarf as trade for a sharp axe. (The next time that blonde lunatic Alice followed him down a hole, he was going to make sure it was her last!)