The Shadows of the Perk
Beware! Just... beware!

Getting The Beans Rolling

There were rumours of strange things brewing in the world Outside; and as Gandgulp had not as that time appeared or sent any messages for several years, NescaFrodo gathered all the news he could. Elves, who seldom lingered in Shire coffeehouses, could now be seen hanging about, leaning on the jukeboxes and singing mournfully along to Simon and Garfunkle tunes. There were Dwarves in unusual numbers on the roads, wearing kilts and making their ways to the mines of the Bleucheese Mountains. They all spoke in whispers of the Enemy of Good Coffee and the Land of Mordonut.

That name the half-caffs only knew in legends of the dark past, like the stain of old grounds in the coffee filter of their memories; but it was ominous and disquieting. It seemed that the evil franchise of Mediocre Coffee had been driven out of Perkwood by the White Council only to reappear in greater concentration in the old strongholds of Mordonut. The Dark Café had been rebuilt, it was said. Horcs were multiplying again in the mountains, and even the sheep were afraid. Trolairs were being sold, and they were no longer sweet and creamy, but tough and stale and far too overpriced. And there were murmured hints of creatures and pastries more terrible than all these, but they had no brandnames.

Little of this, of course, reached the ears of ordinary half-caffs. But even the deafest and most stay-at-home began to hear tales; and those whose business took them to the borders saw strange things. The conversation in The Green Tureen at Bywater, one evening in the spring of NescaFrodo's fiftieth year, showed that even in the comfortable heart of the Shire rumours had been heard, though most half-caffs still laughed at them.

Sanka Gamgeek was sitting in one corner near the fire, and opposite him was Bred Candyman, the miller's son; and there were various other rustic half-caffs listening to their talk.

"Quirky things you do hear these days, to be sure," said Sanka.

"Ah," said Bred, "you do, if you listen. But I can hear tales around the watercooler at work, if I want to listen to rumours."

"No doubt you can," retorted Sanka, "and I daresay there's more truth in some of them than you reckon. Who invented the stories anyway? Take Oléophants now."

"No thank 'ee," said Bred, "I won't. I heard tell of them when I was a youngster. They also told me that drinking coffee would stunt my growth and cause me to grow hair on my chest," he said, getting a general laugh.

Sanka laughed with the rest, "Well, you do look rather like a Chernobyl Chia-pet, Bred, if you don't mind my saying so!" This earned another laugh, though Bred did not join in.

"Well, you look like a weebol with a toupee on its toes, Gamgeek!" and he stormed out of the café amid the jeers of the other half-caffs. Sanka took his bows and accepted the "Annoy The Miller" award for the ten thousand thirteenth time running. There was much rejoicing and the coffee flowed...

Meanwhile, up the Hill in TeaBagEnd, an old man in grey was tapping on the study window.

NescaFrodo welcomed his old friend Gandgulp with surprise and great delight. It had been many years since the half-caff had seen the old wizard, since his Uncle Bilbean's going-away party. NescaFrodo and Gandgulp looked hard at one another.

"Ah well eh?" said the Wizard. "You look the same as ever, NescaFrodo, except for that Coffee Ring you are wearing on a chain under your clothes."

"This old thing?" NescaFrodo placed a hand over the thing, feeling it warm and comforting under his jacket. "That's just something my uncle left for me. He couldn't seem to get rid of it, until he left that day that he left the Shire, so long ago. Now it is mine."

"No, it isn't. NescaFrodo, what did your uncle tell you about that Coffee Ring?"

"He said never to wear it in public when I am naked and to use a coaster to prevent it from staining the furniture. Why do you ask?"

"Because that Coffee Ring is dangerous, NescaFrodo. In ancient cafés long ago the Elven-wise drank strong coffee with a bad element named Sour'on, and they sat around philosophizing and expounding many themes of caffeinated wisdom. The very stains of the coffee that they drank were so powerful that they could overcome mortal men who dared to sample the spills.

"A mortal, NescaFrodo, who possesses a Coffee Ring, does not die, nor does he grow more wakeful or alert; that is but an illusion. If he uses the Coffee Ring to innervate himself, he fidgets; he becomes in the end permanently jittery, and walks in the twilight under the eye of the dark coffee that rules the Rings."

"How terrifying!" said NescaFrodo. "How long have you known about this?"

"Known?" said Gandgulp. "I have known much that only the Wiseacres know, NescaFrodo. But if you mean 'known about this ring', well, I still do not know, one might say. There is a last test to make. But I no longer doubt my guess."

"What test is this you speak of?" asked NescaFrodo, clutching the Coffee Ring unconsciously. "I haven't studied for any tests! Is it multiple choice?"

"Sure. What happens when you put on the Coffee Ring? Do you:

a. Grow larger or smaller.

b. Use the Force

c. Move so fast that you seem invisible to everyone around you.

d. Lay golden eggs.

"Take your time and answer carefully." The Wizard consulted his wrist sundial, giving the half-caff an extra few moments because of some cloud-cover.

"Um," said NescaFrodo nervously. He hated tests. "Um... 'C'."

"Well, that's good enough for me. You are in deep trouble, NescaFrodo. The rightful owner of this Coffee Ring has heard that it is here, and he is sending some nasty pieces of work called Nútralites to come and fetch it for him. You don't want to meet these guys, I guarantee it."

"How did he find out it was here?" NescaFrodo said, beginning to feel the paranoia hit him. "Are we on Candid Camera?"

"No, NescaFrodo. He heard the news from the former owner of the Coffee Ring, the one who had it before your uncle. Gulp'um left his dark lair and tried to find the Ring, but Sour'on caught him first. He told the dark chief where the Ring was and who had it."

"This is terrible!" cried NescaFrodo, feeling panic starting to set in. Gandgulp handed him a paperbag to breathe into as he began to hyperventilate. "What can we do? Can we destroy it?"

"There is nothing in the Shire that can harm that Coffee Ring. We must go to the Wiseacres and ask them for help. To Rivendell Perk it must be taken, and I should seek the council of Sacchrineman, the head of my Order.

"But what am I to do? I am not built for Quests or Adventures. Oh, Gandgulp, will you not take the Coffee?" and the half-caff held out the Ring to the Wizard.

"NO! Do not tempt me! I shall wish to use it to make good coffee and it cannot be used so! Wishing to be kind, I would become as nasty as the dark lord himself... do not tempt me! I shall have need of caffeine, so soon." Gandgulp backed away and held a chair between the half-caff and himself.

NescaFrodo sighed and replaced the Ring inside his shirt. "I guess then that I must take the Coffee Ring to Rivendell Perk myself, and guard it, whatever it may do to me. Is there any chance, Gandgulp, that I might find Bilbean in Rivendell Perk?"

"I do not know, NescaFrodo. Why do you ask?"

"'Cause I got a bone to pick with him. This bloody thing should have had a warning label!"