Here is a parody of the first chapter of the Silmarillion, the Valaquenya.
Don't say I didn't warn you!

Lord of the Coffee: Java of the Ainur
The Valacoffee, Genesis of the Brew, part one

There was Brú, the One, who in Arda is called Brewlúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Hungry Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made. And he spoke to them, propounding to them themes of Coffee; and they grinded those beans before him, and he was glad. But for a long while they grinded each alone, or but few together, while the rest observed; for each comprehended only that part of the beans of Brewlúvatar from which he came, and in the understanding of their brethren they grew but slowly. Yet ever as they handled the coffee they came to deeper understanding, and increased in jitteryness and began to lose sleep.

And it came to pass that Brewlúvatar called together all the Ainur and provided them with a mighty bag of beans, brewing for them coffee greater and more wonderful than he had yet revealed; and the glory of the first sip and the splendour of the last drop amazed the Ainur, so that they bowed before Brewlúvatar and begged for a re-fill.

Then Brewlúvatar said to them: 'Of the beans that I have provided to you, I will now that ye make in harmony together a Great Café. And since I have kindled you with the Flame Imperishable, ye shall show forth your powers in decorating of this café, each with his own thoughts and devices, if he will. But I will sit and hearken and drink coffee, and be glad that through you great beauty has been wakened into drink.'

Then the brewing of the Ainur, like unto cocoa and creme, and cappuccinos and bréves, and mochas and lattés, and like unto countless coffees separated with words, began to fashion the beans of Brewlúvatar to a great parlour; and a smell arose of endless interchanging beverages woven in harmony that passed beyond the tasting into the depths and into the heights, and the places of the dwelling of Brewlúvatar were filled to over flowing, and the coffee and the stains of the coffee went out into the Void, and it was not void. Never since have the Ainur made any coffee like to this coffee, though it has been said that a greater still shall be brewed before Brewlúvatar by the waitstaff of the Ainur and the Children of Brewlúvatar after the End of Days. Then the themes of Brewlúvatar shall be brewed aright, and take Being in the moment of their percolation, for all shall be then understanding fully his intent in their part, and each shall know the comprehension of each and Brewlúvatar shall warm their brew with the secret fire, being well pleased, and by then, rather thirsty.

But now Brewlúvatar sat and sipped the brew, and for a great while the coffee tasted good to him, for in it there were no flaws. But as the brewing progressed, it came into the heart of Maxwellcôr to introduce condiments of his own imagining that were not in the spice-cupboard of Brewlúvatar; for he sought therein to increase the power and strength of the coffee assigned to himself. To Maxwellcôr among the Ainur had been given the greatest gifts of power and knowledge, and he had a share in all the beans of his brethren. He had gone often alone into the void places seeking the Imperishable Flame, for desire grew hot within him to bring into Being beans of his own, and it seemed to him that Brewlúvatar took no thought for the Void, and he was impatient of its emptiness. Yet he found not the Fire, for it is with Brewlúvatar. But being alone he had begun to introduce beans of his own unlike that of his brethren.

Some of these beans he now ground into his coffee, and straightway discord arose about him, and many that sipped his coffee nigh him grew despondent, and their thought was disturbed by the bitterness of the black brew; but some began to attune their coffee to his rather than to the thought which they had at first. Then the discord of Maxwellcôr spread ever wider, and the coffees which had been before foundered in a sea of turbulent brewing.

Brewlúvatar sat and sampled the coffee until it seemed that within his cup there was a raging storm, as of dark brewing that made war upon one another in an endless wrath that would not be assuaged, and it gave him heartburn.

The Genesis of the Brew, part two

Then Brewlúvatar arose, and the Ainur perceived that he smiled, and he raised his left hand to Maxwellcôr and made a gesture, so that all the Ainur giggled and Maxwellcôr was abashed and annoyed; and amid the confusion and discord there arose two separate strains of coffee, one sweet and creamy, brewed and blended with from an immeasurably delicious bean, from which its flavour chiefly came. The other was bitter and vain, and without savour; the instant coffee-mix of common beans, unregal and unsatisfying. It merely essayed to dilute the other coffee by the quantity and inexpensiveness of its mix, but it seemed that its most triumphant flavours were but echoes taken from the other and stirred into its own unoriginal recipe.

In the midst of this brew-off, whereat the halls of Brewlúvatar shook and a tremor ran out into the silences yet unmoved, Brewlúvatar arose again and he made a face terrible to behold. Then he raised up both his hands and in one chord deeper than the Columbia River, higher than the Mountain Grown Folgers, piercing as the light of the eye of Brewlúvatar, the Coffee ceased to flow.

Then Brewlúvatar spoke, and he said, "Mighty are the Ainur, and mightiest among them is Maxwellcôr, and I am getting mighty tired of restarting this Theme, so everybody listen this time, and stop coming in early!

"All these beans you have brought forth in idea, I will show them forth, that ye may see what ye have done. And thou Maxwellcôr, shall see that no bean may be brewed that has not its uttermost source in me, nor can the any alter the recipe in my despite. For he that attempteth this shall prove but mine instrument in the devising of things more wonderful, which he himself hath not imagined nor seen in any Sharper Image catalog."

Then the Ainur were afraid, and they did not yet comprehend the words that were said to them; and Maxwellcôr was filled with shame, of which came secret anger. But Brewlúvatar arose in splendour, and he went forth into the Void, and the Ainur followed him.

But when they were all come, Brewlúvatar said, "Behold your Coffee!" And he gave them a taste, where before there was only sight and smell; and they knew a new Café was made before them, a world of Coffee and of Tea, wherein many fine things both sweet and bitter might be constructed, and he gave them a key to the kitchen door.

Brewlúvatar said again: "Behold your Coffee! This is your franchise; and each of you shall find contained herein, amid the design that I set before you, all those things which it may seem that he himself devised or added. And thou, Maxwellcôr, wilt discover all the secret thoughts of thy mind, and wilt perceive that they are but a part of the whole and tributary to its glory. That will teach you to leave your diary where I can find it!"

So the Ainur went forth into the Café, and they brought forth many fine things, preparing for the arrival of the First Customers, the Elves, whom Brewlúvatar had promised would come. Also he promised to bring forth the Second Customers, Men, at an undisclosed time and predetermined date, but by the way that he said it, the Ainur were pretty sure he didn't know, either. And so they brewed and they baked, and of all the cooks in the kitchen Maxwellcôr was chief, and he turned the ovens on too high and burned things, and the freezer chilled things to immobile chunks of ice. So the other Ainur voted him "Supervisor" and made him an office so he would stay out of their way while they were cooking.

This pleased Maxwellcôr little, for he wished to have his fingers in everyone's recipes. Still he thirsted for the Fire Imperishable, by which he thought that he could bring about coffee of his own, but he could not now leave the Café, for Brewlúvatar had barred the door behind him. So he set about undoing the works of the other Ainur, and writing up endless memos which he insisted that everyone read.

And Brewlúvatar spoke to Ulmocha, the Ainur who was master of milk, and said: "Seest thou not how here in this little café in the Deeps of Time Maxwellcôr hath made war upon thy province? He hath bethought him of bitter cold immoderate, and yet hath not destroyed the beauty of thy soda-fountain, nor of thy creamy pools. Behold the ice cream, and the cunning work of gelato! Maxwellcôr hath devised heats and fire without restraint, and hath not dried up thy desire nor utterly curdled thy cream. Behold rather this new thing: steamed milk, melting in everchanging clouds upon the surface of thy coffee, and listen to the stuttering hiss of the cappuccino machine, mixing beverages to delight and invigorate! Does this not bring you closer to thy brother Manwëhous, who's realm of aromatic beans might now mingle more happily with thy creamy produce?"

The Ulmocha answered, "Truly, milk is become now fairer than my heart imagined, neither had my secret thought conceived sherbet, nor in all my musing was contained the whipping of cream. I will seek Manwëhous, that he and I may make cappuccinos for ever to thy delight!" And Manwëhous and Ulmocha have from the beginning been allied, and likeasmost the biggest brown-nosers of all the Ainur, serving most faithfully the coffee to Brewlúvatar.