The Spilling of the Beans
Gandgulp looked at NescaFrodo closely, saying, "Ever since Bilbean left I have been deeply concerned about you, and about all these charming, laconic, absurdly creamy half-caffs. It would be a grievous blow to the world, if the Dark Coffee overcame the Shire; if all your kind, jolly, stupid Bulgers, Cornpoppers, Muffins, Bustgirdles, and the rest, not to mention the ridiculous TeaBagginses, became franchised."
NescaFrodo shuddered. "But why should we be?" he asked. "And why should he want such customers?"
"To tell you the truth," replied Gandgulp, "I believe that hitherto-- hitherto, mark you-- "
"Yes, hitherto; I heard you the first time," NescaFrodo said testily.
Gandgulp tweaked his ear-tip. "Don't interrupt! As I was saying... hitherto, he had entirely overlooked the existence of half-caffs. You should be thankful. But your safety had passed. He does not need you-- he has many more wealthy patrons-- but he won't forget you again. And half-caffs as miserable slaves to bad coffee would please him far more than half-caffs happy and free. There is such a thing as cornering the market."
"I still don't understand what this has to do with Bilbean and myself, and our Ring."
"It has everything to do with it. Haven't you been listening?" Gandgulp rapped gently with his knuckles on NescaFrodo's hard little head. "You do not yet know the real peril yet; but you shall. Give me the Coffee Ring for a moment."
NescaFrodo took it from out of his collar where it hung against his breast on a chain. He unfastened it and handed it slowly to the wizard. It felt suddenly sticky, as if either it or NescaFrodo himself had been eating jam tarts and forgotten to wash his hands. "Sorry," said NescaFrodo, licking his fingers, and he handed it to Gandgulp.
The wizard held it up. It looked to be made of pure concentrated coffee, brown like rich ground-roast that had neither cream nor spice to sweeten it. "Can you see any markings on it?"
"No," said NescaFrodo, "There are none. It is quite plain and it never seems to get watered down or cold."
"Well then, look!" To NescaFrodo's intense astonishment and distress the wizard threw it suddenly into a cup of hot boiling water. The water instantly became brown and fragrant, a heavenly aroma rising with the steam. NescaFrodo groped for the teaspoon; but Gandgulp held him back.
"Wait!" he said in a commanding voice, giving NescaFrodo a quick look from under his bristling brows. "Do you jones for it so much already?"
"No," answered NescaFrodo petulantly, "but why dissolve it?"
"Because it is all together evil and addictive. It will enslave the one who uses it, until he can drink no other beverage and find satisfaction. He will require more and more quantities of coffee to satisfy his craving, and he will get the jitters so badly that he will be unable to lift a cup to his lips. He will not sleep nor eat, not allow anyone to wash his coffeecup because it has been 'broken-in'; but he will consume the coffee constantly until he disappears in a cloud of steam and chicory, becoming a coffeewraith under the power of Sour'on, the Dark Chef of Mordonut!" Gandgulp took the teaspoon and fished the ring out of the scalding water and picked it up instantly. NescaFrodo gasped.
"It is not too warm. Take it!" NescaFrodo received the thing on his shrinking palm: it seemed to have become stickier and heavier than ever.
"Hold it up, and look closely. What do you see?"
As NescaFrodo did so, he now saw fine lines running along the ring, outside and inside: lines of fire that seemed to form letters of a flowing script:
"Three Beans for the Elf Kings eating cream pies
Seven for the Dwarf Lords with their buttered scones
Nine for Mortal Men, bagatelle and rye
One for the Dark Lord who is but skin and bones
In the Land of Mordonut where the kettle sighs
One Bean to Brew them all, One Bean to grind them,
One Bean to wake them all, and in the Café find them.
In the Land of Mordonut where the kettle sighs."
"Darn it, Gandgulp," complained NescaFrodo, clutching his rumbling tummy, "all this talk of food and coffee is making me hungry!" and the half-caff eyed the cup of One Coffee sitting nearby, smelling delicious.
Gandgulp took it and poured it out the window. There was a muffled yelp that the wizard seemed not to hear. "Never mind that! Don't you get it? This is the One Coffee Ring to brew them all! This is the Ring that Sour'on left, enriched and concentrated with his evil prattle, and which he lost long ago, to the great weakening of his power. He wants it back, and he knows where it is!"
"How does he know?" asked NescaFrodo.
"Gulp'um left his underground coffee lake and Sour'on caught him searching for the Coffee Ring near Mordonut. The Dark One no doubt tortured him with stale danish and instant coffee; that is an old device of naughty persons. Gulp'um, or Sméagolatté as he was once called, then squealed, blabbed, talked, sang, serenaded, and in a word, spilled the beans."
NescaFrodo sat silent and motionless. Fear seemed to stretch out a vast hand, like a dark cloud of steam rising into his face and flattening his perm. "O, Gandgulp, what am I to do? What a pity that Bilbean did not kill that slimy mudhen when he had the chance!"
"Pity? It was pity that stayed his hand, NescaFrodo. Pity and Mercy, and good common sense, since he managed to follow the wretch out of the maze and escape. You should not be too swift to deal out death in judgment. You cannot unspill a cup of coffee, nor undrink a bitter draught."
"What? Could you say that again in my language?" said NescaFrodo.
The wizard sighed. "Just listen to me: Don't kill people. It is a Not-Nice Thing to do. You're one of the good guys; remember that!"
Now it was NescaFrodo's turn to sigh; he knew that the wizard was correct. "Okay, Gandgulp, but if you don't mind my saying so, this really stinks. Are you sure we can't just bury it in the back yard or mail it to the IRS or something?"
"That would be like laying it in the Dark One's hand! We cannot risk it. We must take it to a place where Sour'on can never find it. We must take it to Rivendell Perk. There we shall ask the Wiseacres what to do with it."
NescaFrodo looked up hopefully at Gandgulp. "We...?"
"Well, I, ah..." Gandgulp hem-hawed, "That is to say... I must go to Isencoaster and speak to Sacchrinman the White."
"So when you say 'we', you actually mean 'me'... by myself," NescaFrodo sighed again.
"Well... take Sanka along with you!" The wizard reached through the window and plucked the little waiter from his hiding place where he had been watching and listening to every word, a SpyGuy journal and secret decoder ring and invisible ink and quill set falling from his surprised fingers. "He is trustworthy and loyal, and he would never, never tell a soul anything he just heard. Right, Sanka?"
The brown-skinned half-caff took one look at his master and the towering grey wizard, the soggy Coffee Ring and the map showing the way to Rivendell Perk, and his honest brown eyes rolled up in his head and he fainted dead away.
"What a pity," said Gandgulp as they bundled the semi-conscious servant onto the back of a pony, "I was looking forward to threatening him with the 'unnatural change' thingy," Gandgulp pouted good-naturedly. "It is the 'little things' like that which make life worth living!"