Beware! This is an attempt at humour. Those of you who are humour -impaired or otherwise oblivious to satire, parody, jokes, japes, ribbing, giggling and otherwise having a good belly-laugh please stand behind the yellow safety line when reading this inkling.

Plastic monitor protectors should be employed by those drinking beverages. Thank You.

The Journey South-ish

Though the Nine Companions walked and walked until they were weary, they seemed to be getting nowhere. So they got off of the treadmill and caught a ride as far as the land of Hollandaise. Drippin, who had hitherto aforetimes proved himself virtually useless, redeemed himself now by demonstrating a penchant for hitchhiking.

Thus they traveled swiftly through the wild lands to Cafolger's Mountain, where they would attempt a crossing at the Redneck Gate. As they passed a sign with nine black diamonds and two skull-and-crossbone icons on it, Gandgulp produced a banjo from beneath his flowing grey robes. As he strapped it on, he cautioned the rest of the Fellowship not to make eye-contact with anybody they might meet wearing overalls and dipping tobacco.

It began to snow as they climbed the pass. The Companions had fun laying in drifts and making snow-fäeries, except for Legolatté, who could not seem to leave any imprint on the snow. Gemli tried to be helpful by jumping on the elf's stomach, but for some reason this was not fully appreciated.

Finally they had to admit defeat. The were so cold that Sanka had to break the ice on the top of NescaFrodo's thermos to pour him a cup of joe, and the milk had evaporated and all the coffeebeans were frozen too hard to grind. As they turned back, they found the going even more difficult, for now they had to dodge kamikaze skiers and suicidal snow-boarders.

Finally, they reached the foothills and held a council. "The Redneck Gate in unpassable! Cafolgers Mountain has defeated us! We must now take the southward road to the Gap of Yuban or return to Imladrip, there to await the end."

Drippin's face lit up visibly at the mere mention of returning to Rivendell Perk. Sanka checked the younger half-caff's hunting socks for a short-circuit.

"But how can we go back without shame?" asked NescaFrodo. "We did not pay our bill when we left."

But Gandgulp spoke again, "There is another way we may attempt, a dark way, a dangerous way, more fearsome than the freezing snows and marginally more difficult than finding a parking space at Walmart on December 24."

"What is this way of which you speak?" said MochaMerry. "You had better tell us straight away, without the sugar-coating, please.

"I speak of Moreeka, Café-Doom. The doorway is around here somewhere... yes, on the other side of that seething lake of black coffee. Follow me!"

They found the door and waited as the wizard pondered the necessity of a good dramatic pause. With great showmanship, he uttered the magic words that opened the doors to Cafe-Doom (the elven scrollwork runes read):

"Café hours: Moonday through Valarsday 6am to 5pm
Starday and Sunday 7am to 4pm"

As they turned to walk into the pitchblack gloom of the great cafe of the Dwarves, a oily snaky tentacle writhed out of the murky coffee and wrapped around NescaFrodo's ankle.

"Ai! Help! My personal space bubble is being invaded!" shrieked the desperate half-caff, as hoards of screaming, giggling, fainting fans emerged to cover him with smooches and beg for autographs. Legolatté was like-wise assaulted and the others, also, until Gandgulp pointed toward the distance and cried in a loud voice, "Look! It's Johhny Depp and Keänau Reeves! Sunbathing in leather thongs!"

Poor NescaFrodo and Legolatté were then abandoned by the fickle fans, and their companions pulled them into the safety of the dark, gloomy dungeon of Café-Doom...

…..uh, did I say "safety"?

Mwwwhahahahahaha!