Coffee With Haldir

When NescaFrodo came at last up onto the flet, he found Legolatté seated with three other Elves, drinking coffee. They stood up, and one of them uncovered a small silver cylinder, that gave out a jet of steam, and a slight aroma of beans. They poured him a cup of coffee, and spoke words of welcome in the Elven-tongue. NescaFrodo spoke haltingly in return, then burned his tongue on the coffee.

"Careful! The brew is hot!" cautioned the Elves. "We seldom serve coffee, for we dwell now in the heart of the forest, and do not willingly have dealings with any other folk. But it is bloody cold on this flet, and we have hang-overs. I am Haldiroast, and these are my brothers Rumílstone and Oräffeine. They have no speaking lines in this story." Rumílstone and Oräffeine gave their brother dirty looks, but remained silent.

"We have smelled the aroma of your brewing, and messengers from Elground have passed by Loriándadanish on their way home. We had not heard of half-caffs for many a long year, and did not know that they still drank coffee. I see that it does stunt the height and encourage the growth of excessive hair! I thought that that was an old Entwife's tail!" He dumps his cup of coffee over the edge of the flet. A shout of pain comes from below, followed by cursing in Khuzdul.

"A Dwarf!" said Haldiroast. "That is not well! We have not had dealings with the Dwarves since the Days of Dark Roast. They are not permitted in our land. We cannot allow him to pass. They do not use coasters, and leave cup-rings on the furniture!"

At the talk of rings, NescaFrodo stirred uneasily and clutched the coffee-ring that hung round his neck beneath his tunic. "But he is trusty and true," he said, "And Elground himself chose him to be my companion. Also, he makes the best cinnamon rolls you have ever tasted!"

"Very good! Then he shall be permitted to pass within, but he must go blindfold through Loriándadanish. But you are all weary now, and tonight you will stay with us in the flets and rest before going on tomorrow. We Elves will keep watch."

NescaFrodo bowed and thanked his hosts many times. "But will you not rest also? Surely you are tired from patrolling the borders of Loriándadanish?"

Haldiroast, Rumílstone, Oräffeine, and Legolatté laughed. "Sleep? Elves do not NEED sleep!" They refilled their cups with fresh coffee and began to play cards.

NescaFrodo lay awake for some times after all his companions were asleep. Sanka was snoring lustily beside him, and NescaFrodo dug an elbow into his ribs to silence him. The forest was very quiet. The Elves were sitting with their arms wrapped about their knees, shaking violently from the caffeine, speaking in whispers. At last, lulled by the wind and the soft perking of the coffee-pot, NescaFrodo dropped into a troubled sleep.

Late in the night he woke. Everyone was asleep, and the Elves were gone. The wind was still. A little way off he heard a harsh laugh and the clink of coffee-mugs. The sounds died slowly away.

A head appeared suddenly through the hole in the flet. NescaFrodo clutched his chest in alarm, and said the grinning Elf, "Don't DO that!"

Haldiroast chuckled. Then he said, "Did you see it? There was something in this tree that I have never seen before. It ran away when the gobblings passed below. They crossed the Nimrodeli- curse their foul feet in its creamy water!- and went on down the old road beside the river, where the IHOP is. Three could not challenge a hundred, so we went ahead and left a trail of beans for them to follow. We must go as soon as it is light."

The company prepared to leave, after the morning coffee had been consumed. They said goodbye to the river Nimrodeli, and it seemed to NescaFrodo that he would never hear again a running stream of cream so beautiful, for ever blending its innumerable coffees in an endless course of beverage choices.

They went back to the path, and saw signs of the passage of the gobblings; crushed paper cups discarded upon the road, half-chewed coffeebeans scattered about, swizzle-sticks tied into knots. The crossed another stream, then Haldiroast turned to them and said, "As was agreed, I shall here blindfold the eyes of the Dwarf."

This was not to the liking of Gemli. "The agreement was made without my consent. I will not walk blindfold, smelling the coffee that others drink!"

"Toss him in the river," said Haldiroast. The brothers picked up the Dwarf and swung him toward the brown waters. "Okay! Okay! Blindfold it is!" cried Gemli.

He grumbled as they bound his eyes. "May your coffee- stains never rinse out!" he muttered.

Aromagorn said, "It is hard for the Dwarf to be thus singled out. We will all be blindfold, even Legolatté"

"Me, too!" cried Rumílstone and Oräffeine. "I'm not letting you guys have all the fun!" said Haldiroast, and they blindfolded all of the company, and then themselves, and promptly got lost in the forest of Loriándadanish.

Legolatté peeked out from under his cheesecloth blindfold. "Alas for the folly of these days! Here all are enemies of the one Enemy, and yet I must walk blind, while the sun is merry and the coffee is brewing under leaves of gold!"

"Folly it may seem," said Haldiroast, passing Legolatté a thermos. His blindfold was pushed up to his platinum hairline like a sweatband. "Indeed in nothing is the power of the Dark Coffee more clearly shown than in the estrangement that divides all those who would drink coffee with cream and sugar. We live now upon an danish sinking in a sea of espresso, and our hands are more often upon the dental hygiene device than upon our coffeemugs."

MochaMerry had been listening to their talk. "In our land, there is a substance known as 'kouphymayt' that sweetens and lightens the coffee. It is farmed west of my land, the Shire, where half-caffs live," he said, then ran into a tree.

"Happy folk are half-caffs that dwell near the Cream!" said Haldiroast. "Some there are among us that sing that the Dark Coffee will be sweetened, and that pastry will come again. Yet I do not believe that. My coffee-mug is half empty, not half full! Alas for Loriándadanish that I love! It would be a poor life in a land were no cappuccino trees grow!"

They blundered blindly through the forest, finding their way to the Café of Green Tea by the smell of the percolating coffee.