author's note: double updates woohoo
You lost, a part of your existence
In the war, against yourself
—The Fault In Our Stars, Troye Sivan
Hold On Till May: Chapter Five
It wouldn't have lasted. Chloe knew nothing good ever lasted. Beca and Chloe's relationship improved tremendously over the past two months, Chloe was wary at first but she learnt to let go and let it happen normally.
Her mid term results returned, and that's pretty much everything her parents cared about—results. Everything went downhill, her progress was all thrown away. Chloe was never able to completely mute the noises and voices in her head but with Beca, they quiet down almost to the point of silence.
Of course, her parents didn't take her results well. They threw discouraging remarks at Chloe, the redhead cowering in front of her parents, the only people in the world who were supposed to love her even when all else has gone wrong.
Did you even try?
Are you trying to anger us on purpose?
Why did I ever give birth to you?
Chloe felt a tear slide down her cheek. She bit her tongue harshly as her fingernails dug into her forearm, where the scars where faint and healing. Her parents continued lashing out on her, waving the paper with the big red mark around in front of Chloe's face.
Chloe could only muster a weak apology before she stumbled into her room and locked the door. Chloe picked her phone up, unlocking it and holding it to herself as she curled up into a ball on her bed. She grabbed at her arm with her free hand, her nails digging painfully into her flesh. Chloe abruptly stood, pulling at her drawer and extracting the shiny silver metal. She pressed it between her fingers as her hands trembled.
Flinging her phone to her bed, Chloe slid down onto the ground, holding the blade to her wrist.
No, no Chloe sto—
Chloe slid the sharp metal across her scarred wrist, opening wound after wound as blood seeped out. Chloe watched, her eyes glazed over. She watched her blood slipping down her arm almost therapeutically, she watched as her other hand unconsciously slides the blade over and over her arm again and again.
But the voices didn't stop, and Chloe was feeling lightheaded. Her hand fell limp and the blade clattered onto the ground, blood stained. Chloe staggered over to her bed and fell onto it, her hand blindly grabbing for her phone. Her finger hovered over the only contact in her phone for a second before pressing down on it, immediately cursing herself afterwards.
She doesn't deserve this.
Don't call her.
Go to hell.
The phone rang three times and Beca picked up, her voice cheerful. Chloe's head was throbbing, her arm stung but her heart was squeezing, she couldn't breath.
"Bec—" Chloe whimpered before the phone fell on the ground, Beca's concerned words being muffled by the carpet.
Chloe curled herself into a tight ball as she shivered and trembled on her sheets. The blood staining her clothes as her head screamed at her, her tears stung her face, her heart clenched painfully.
It wasn't five minutes later that Beca came crawling through Chloe's window. She'd done this a few times when Chloe's parents were surprisingly home.
"Shit!" Chloe heard a distorted voice as Beca came running towards her. "Chlo, Chloe." Beca blinked a few times as she took in the situation. She pulled Chloe into her lap, immediately slowing her actions when Chloe winced in pain. "Oh god, I have to get you to a hospital."
Chloe shook her head weakly twice, her hand reaching for Beca's.
"Okay, okay." Beca breathed, pulling Chloe so she sat fully in her lap. "Please, please keep your eyes open I'm going to clean you up okay?"
Chloe watched Beca's eyebrows furrow, her mouth twisting into a nervous frown and tears threatening to spill.
"Chloe?" Beca shook her a little and the redhead nodded. The brunette picked her up bridal style, surprised that she could muster so much strength at a time like this. She stumbled over to Chloe's bathroom, setting her down on the ground before pulling the first aid kit out after searching around.
"Look at me." Beca pushed a finger under Chloe's chin as she turned the water on. "If it hurts, squeeze my hand." Beca swallowed and directed the steady water stream at Chloe's bloodied arm, watching as Chloe's face contorted into a pained expression. She felt no pressure on her hand though, as Chloe bit down on her bottom lip harshly.
"Chloe." Beca squeezed her hand gently, she watched as Chloe's lip started to bleed while Chloe still refused to subject any force to Beca's hand. Beca watched as the water ran crimson down Chloe's forearm, her eyebrows furrowed. She leant forward and pressed her lips to Chloe's, and finally, Chloe squeezed her hand.
Beca kept her lips on Chloe's for a while, Chloe's eyes had fluttered shut and Beca finally turned the water off. Grabbing bandages, Beca carefully wrapped the sterile white cloth around Chloe's arm before securing it with tape.
"I'm no medical student," Beca laughed nervously, releasing Chloe's arm. "This is the best I can do."
Chloe started tearing, her eyes watering as Beca shoved the first aid kit back under the sink.
"Shh," Beca gently helped Chloe up as she guided them back to her bed.
"Why are you helping me?" Chloe let her tears fall, her lips still tingling from where Beca's were a few minutes ago.
"I care for you." Beca replied shortly after a few seconds of hesitation. "Please don't do that again."
Chloe laughed bitterly. "Sorry."
Beca merely shook her head before standing up and making her way to Chloe's closet. She grabbed a shirt and a pair of shorts before heading back to Chloe, pressing the items into her hands.
"I'll uh, grab something to wear, if you don't mind?" Beca asked, her head cocked to the side. Chloe shook her head and watched as Beca grabbed a tank top and shorts from her closet before stepping into the bathroom again. Chloe slipped out of her bloodied shirt, quickly slipping her fresh shirt on before she caught sight of her scars. She did the same with her shorts, and by the time she was done, Beca came walking out from her bathroom.
The brunette wordlessly slipped into Chloe's bed, pulling Chloe to lie down with her as she pulled the sheets over them.
"Thank you." Chloe whispered so softly, Beca had to strain her ears to hear it. The brunette leaned down to press a kiss to Chloe's forehead.
"It's okay." Beca stifled a yawn as Chloe turned around to face her. "Go to sleep, Chloe."
"Are you not going to ask me what happened?" Chloe blurted out, her fingers clasping against her palms.
"You'll tell me when you want to." Beca licked her lips. "You always do."
Chloe's head screamed at her to never tell Beca anything, to stop being a burden in other's lives. Chloe squeezed her eyes shut as she reached out for Beca. She tucked her head in the crook of Beca's neck and as Beca started drawing soothing circles into her back, the noises faded.
Chloe's eyes fluttered open for a second to interlock her hand with Beca's. She lay her head down again as her eyes fell shut tiredly, that night, she fell asleep listening to Beca's steady heartbeat.