Warning! This is an irreverent Parody, written by an escaped lunatic dressed as an Elf. If you see her, do not approach her. She is armed with a quill and considered extremely silly. Whatever you do, don't let her drink any coffee!
Lord of the Coffee; Emyn Muil Munchies
The Half-caffs NescaFrodo and Sanka have broken off from their friends, survived the Water Slide of Rauros, and are now hopelessly lost in the brown-sugar coated hills of the Emyn Muumuu. The days grow darker and the coffee is cold... and always there is the odor of stale bread and yeast on the biting wind from the East...
"Good thing that the Lady Godivariel gave you that piece of overcooked spaghetti, Sanka!" said NescaFrodo. "We would never have got down that last cliff without it."
"Gotten down easier we would have, Mr. NescaFrodo, if you hadn't'a eaten the last ten els a'for I got down all the way!" Sanka complained, rubbing his bruised backside.
"Sorry Sanka… something about this place just makes me hungry. It's about time for a coffee break, wouldn't you say?" NescaFrodo asked, staring down into the huge pit that opened just beside the narrow path they had found.
"Aye, Mr. NescaFrodo, but we have to be careful. We only have so many beans left, and there isn't much of that Elven Coffeecake left, neither. We'll need to ration it or we'll run out. There should be enough as long as it's just the two of us…"
At that moment there was a crash of rocks falling. Several large stones and a greyish-green, emaciated, smelly creature fell from the cliff above them and landed at their feet, right on the edge of the pit. Without hesitation, Sanka helpfully plants a large hairy foot on the creature's back and kicks him over the edge.
"Sanka! That was a not-right thing to do!" admonished NescaFrodo with a stern frown and a giggle.
"No, sir, it wasn't. But we'll just call it payback in advance. I have a feeling we ain't seen the last of that slinker!"
Sméagolatté crawls out of the pit, covered with scratches and mud. "Playful half-caffss. Having a game with poor Sméagolatté! But they play roughs, don't they, my deliciouss?"
"What do you want," demanded NescaFrodo, disgust and annoyance on his fair features. He shielded his coffee cup with one hand, "Why are you following us?"
"Just wants to helps, yes deliciouss! Just to be helpfuls, we wishes. Going to Mordonut, aren't they? We can show them the ways in. Sméagolatté will be your guide!"
"We don't need a guide!" exclaimed Sanka, not liking the looks (or smell) of the treacherous creature, "We can see the ruddy mountain from here! Don't listen to him, Master. All he wants is the Coffee Ring!"
At the mention of the Coffee Ring, a strange transformation occurs. Sméagolatté's eyes roll up into his head and his tongue lolls out; his fingers twitch and his skin turns blue; he begins to foam at the mouth and he makes a weird noise in his throat, "Gulp'um, gulp'um!"
"Watch out, Mr. NescaFrodo," cautioned Sanka, "He'll mooch!"
"Cruel half-caff! It doesn't care if Sméagolatté is thirssty… it doesn't care if we should doze!"
Sméagolatté crept closer to NescaFrodo slowly, a caffeinated gleam in his eyes. "Not like Masster! Masster cares… Masster knowss!" He grovels at NescaFrodo's feet, begging, "Give uss a cups of coffee, deliciousss! Good Masster! Good Sméagolatté!"
"Do not say that! Do not think it! The 'Delicious' mastered you long ago. Before ever you taste the coffee again, I shall drink it and command you to leap off of a cliff, or through flaming hoops in a tu-tu, and you would do it, Sméagolatté! You know who the Coffee Keeper is… so back off!"
Sméagolatté crawled on the ground and groveled, muttering 'Nice Master! Nice Massster!'
NescaFrodo was moved to pity by the wretched creature. He offered him his half-finished coffee.
"No," whispered Sanka as NescaFrodo hands Sméagolatté a cup. "You don't know what he'll be like with a cup of java in him."
"Don't worry, Sanka, it's just the instant stuff that the Elves gave us for traveling," said NescaFrodo.
Sméagolatté gulped down the coffee, then spat it out and began to cough violently. "Yech! It tries to poisons uss! We can't drink half-caff brew! We musst go to Starbucks!"
"Starbucks? Lead the way, Sméagolatté!" said NescaFrodo, grabbing up his pack. "I hope they're not out of triple-chocolate Cheesecake!"