Of Herbal Tea and Biscotti
This is a caffeine-reduced parody of one of my favourite chapters of Lord Of The Rings; The Two Towers. Please cover your monitors with spittle-proof plastic shields to avoid electrical shock.
Sanka was asleep. In his dream, he was wandering around the dim corridors of TeaBagEnd with a coffeepot in his hand, looking for his cup. He looked in all the cupboards, and under the tables. He went through every room and looked outside the round green door. He searched in the pantry, where there were many finely baked cakes and cookies, and chocolate swiss cheesecakes and cinnamon rolls, all hot and dripping butter. There were moist nutbreads and piping-hot cherry-filled pastries in crisp sugared pieshells, and large warm muffins with walnut and pecan, poppyseed cakes and lemon meringue pie, and...
Sanka woke up when he heard a stomach growl. He wasn't sure if it was his or the reader's, but now that he was awake he judged it was high time for some victuals. He looked around and noticed that NescaFrodo had fallen asleep again, his hand still tightly clenching his coffee cup. Sanka gently pried his fingers loose from the empty cup and covered him tenderly with a blanket.
He heard a stomach growl again, and he was sure it was his this time. There was still some elven biscotti left, but Sanka wanted to save that precious bread for the harder days to come. Anyway, he was hungry for something a little more substantial.
He walked over the where Gulp'um lay snoring and thumped him on the head. Gulp'um woke with a start and a snort.
"Oh, sorry, old bean!" said Sanka, unconvincingly apologetic, "But as long as you're up, could you possibly go and find something fit for a hungry half-caff to eat? I feel a desire for something 'hot out of the pot'."
Gulp'um looked at him with bleary eyes. He wandered away, muttering something about "out of his mind", but Sanka was sure that he must have mis-heard him say 'Yes, of course, I would be glad to go hunting for you!'
Satisfied, Sanka set about building a fire. It was burning nicely and smoking up a storm by the time Gulp'um returned with a brace of young wild tealeaves. Sanka could hardly believe his eyes.
"Whoa! Fresh tea! Mr. NescaFrodo is gonna love this!" He snatched the leaves out of Gulp'um's hands and got out his tea cage. Gulp'um gave a thin hissing shriek.
"Ach! Sss-- no!" he cried. "No! Silly half-caff, foolish, yes foolish! They mustn't do it!"
"Mustn't do what?" asked Sanka in surprise.
"Mustn't brew the tea!" squealed Gulp'um in dismay. "Spoil beautiful leaves that Sméagolatté saved for you, poor sleepy Sméagolatté! What for? They are fresh, they are chewable, they are nice. Eat them, eat them raw!"
"Ye-UCK!" said Sanka. "Each to his own fashion. A raw, unbrewed whole tea leaf chokes me, and my hands around your scrawny neck chokes you... er, I mean, you didn't care for elf-biscotti. You give me some leaves, their mine, see, to brew, if I have a mind. And I have. You needn't watch me. Go and find some more and so whatever you want with them-- somewhere private and out o' my sight. Then you won't see the tea brewing, and I won't see you, and we'll both be happier. I will see that the tea doesn't over-steep, if that's any comfort to you."
Gulp'um withdrew grumbling. Sanka busied himself with the leaves. "What a half-caff needs with some tea," he said to himself, "is some herbs, especially mint and lemonpeel-- not to mention scones! Herbs we can manage, seemingly."
Sanka tried his sweetest voice, "Gulp'um! I want some herbs! Will you get them for me, while I watch the water boil?"
"No!" came the curt answer from inside the bushes where Gulp'um had crawled. "Sméagolatté is not pleased. Sméagolatté doesn't like smelly herbs. Doesn't drink tea with lemon and nassty dry cookies, no delicious! Not until he is starving or very sick, or visiting his grandmother."
"Sméagolatté will get his own beans boiled if he doesn't do as he is asked," growled Sanka. "I'll steep his head, yes delicious. Well, that wouldn't be delicious at all, now that I consider it." Sanka shuddered at the thought of 'Gulp'um Tea'. "Come on, Sméagolatté! Just a couple of mint lozenges, please?"
"Sméagolatté won't go, O no delicious! Not this time," hissed Gulp'um. "He's frightened, and he's very tired, and this half-caff's not nice, not nice at all. Sméagolatté won't search for sconeses and lemonses and -- mint. What's mint, delicious, eh? What's mint?"
"Pe--per--mint," said Sanka, licking his lips. "The tickle in the tea, the catch in the coffee! Makes the whole kettle into a wonderful fragrant brew. Drinking tea with mint is like eating a York Peppermint Pattie in a steambath with twelve Elven supermodels..." Sanka broke off his daydream and coughed. "But you needn't look for them; ye won't find any supermodels... er, I mean peppermint in these woods. I'll settle for some licorice."
Gulp'um rolled his eyes at Sanka and wandered off. Sanka ended up gathered the herbs himself, listening to Sméagolatté's complaining voice gradually fade away, becoming just an echo of muttering that could have been the wind, or the water boiling.
Sanka steeped the tea and the herbs, then he took a cup to NescaFrodo. NescaFrodo half opened his eyes as Sanka stood over him; he could smell the heavenly scent from the steaming cup.
"Hullo, Sanka!" he said, "Not resting? Is anything wrong? What is that wonderful smell?"
"A present from Sméagolatté. A brace of young tea leaves, though I fancy ol' Gulp'um's regretting them now. There's naught to go with it but some herbs and stale biscotti."
They sipped their tea, but gradually the ground began to tremble, as if there were huge rams dinning the earth, and there was a strange high-pitched noise, a great baritone squeaking. NescaFrodo and Sanka crouched in the bushes and saw down the slope from their hiding place a strange sight:
There were many men passing, and they were dressed in yellow and green. Their dress looked outlandish to the half-caffs, but strangest of all were the weird, triangular wedges of yellow cheese they wore on their heads. There was a strange, sharp odor in the air.
"Who are they?" whispered Sanka.
"These are Men from the South; Paquerphanz I think they are called. In our language, we call them 'cheeseheads'. They are going to Mordonut to serve fingerfoods to the Dark Lord Sour'on."
At that moment, the great noise was repeated, and before the half-caff's unbelieving eyes appeared a vision of bizarreness that they had never before imagined. Both drew in breath and uttered, "Whoa!"
Grey as a whale,
With a thin pink tail,
Though I am nimble,
I make the earth tremble,
As I scamper through the grass;
Trees crack as I pass.
With whiskers round my mouth
I nibble in the South,
Though I am gentle as a waif,
No cheese is ever safe
Beyond walls of steel;
I shall find my meal.
Never run from a cat,
I am too big for that,
I don't even try.
Enormouse am I,
Biggest of all,
Huge, cute, and tall.
If ever you'd met me
You will claim something you ate
Has sickened your mind and
Made you hallucinate
But Old Enormouse am I,
And I never lie.
NescaFrodo stared at the apparition, then looked down into his tea cup. "Just what kind of herbs did you brew in this tea, Sanka?"