Lord of the Coffee Java of the Ainur

by Lothithil

A Parody of Professor T's magnificent books, written by someone who drinks entirely too much coffee. No potty humour or smut, just lots of cream and sugar and not a little amount of silliness.

46. Chapter 46 Meet TeaTreeBeard

Meet Teatreebeard

Drippin, though still amazed, was no longer afraid. "Please, who are you... and what are you?"

"Hoom! hroom! Well, now," Teatreebeard answered, "Well, I am a ThermEnt, or that's what they call me. The ThermEnt, you might say, after your manner of speaking. I am guardian and a keeper, and I change the filters on the Hot Springs Percolator that feeds the coffee-stream which flows out of the Forest. Pekoebushychops is my Elvish name, but please don't tell anyone... it is rather embarrassing!

The half-caffs both promised to never mention his Elvish name, so he released his head-locks upon them and continued their journey.

"Where are you taking us?" asked MochaMerry, his stomach rumbling so loudly that he had to shout to make himself heard.

"ThermEntmoot." answered the giant beverage holder, and he strode on for many long steps, moving smoothly so as not to spill.

They came to a clearing in the forest, and to MochaMerry and Drippin's surprise, they found a huge earthen vessel shaped like a great rainbarrel, with a spout on the side near the bottom. All around it were gathered many other ThermEnts, of various sizes and capacities, chatting and telling jokes.

ThermEnt strode up angrily and bellowed, "Get back to work, ye lazy mugs!" The ThermEnts scattered, sloshing lukewarm coffee in their haste and leaving trails of pastry crumbs, which the half-caffs ate hungrily.

ThermEnt poured the hobbits small cups of strong sweet coffee, and he stood while they devoured the remains of a great strawberry torte, staring south over the tops of the hedged-lined cubicles.

"There is something brewing in Isencoaster... I feel it in the earth, I feel it in the water, and I smell it in the air..."

"What was that you were saying, Teatreebeard?" asked the half-caffs with their mouths full. They drank from the cups that the ThermEnt had given them, and with a flash of light they both turned into woolen knit tea-cozies.

"Nothing," muttered Teatreebeard, still staring toward the mountains, "Just something I heard in a movie once..."