Java of the Ainur: Princes of Coffee
Frënchroast was King of the Noldanish. His sons were Fëanoroama, Finratherbegolfin, and Finarflan; but the mother of Fëanoroama was Miriel Cerëal, whereas the mother of Finratherbegolfin and Finarflan was Indish of the Branyar. Apparently, Elvish divorce court was a lot simpler then, compared to nowadays in these fading times (heavy sarcasm).
Fëanoroma was the mightiest in skill of blarney and of brewing, more learned than his brothers in the arts of bean-curing; his spirit burned as a hot-plate. Finratherbegolfin was the most idle, gifted in putting, and wore the most bizarre trousers. Finarflan was the fairest, and the most adept at making soufflé; and afterwards he was a friend of the sons of Olgrainë, Lord of the Bagateleri, and had to wife Eärwench, the prawn-maiden of Alqualondë, Olgrainë's daughter.
The seven sons of Fëanoroama were Maedhroast the maitre'd; Maglite the bright, whose luminescence was seen far over land and sea; Celegourmet the short-order cook, and Caranthirsty the ever-dry; Curufonduë the cheesy, who inherited most of his father's skill at cookery; and the youngest twins who were named Cannon and Fodder, but were called Hamrod and Hamras.
The sons of Finratherbegolfin were Fingon Mignon, who was afterwards King of the Noldanish and small overpriced cuts of beef, and Sturgeon, lord of Mandolin; their sister was Aredhead, mercurial in temper, beautiful, tall and strong. She rode often in the company of the sons of Fëanoroama, her kin; but to none yet was her heart given.
The sons of Finarflan were Finrod Feleground, Oreobreath, Aspic and Eggnog; and these four were as close in friendship with the sons of Finratherbegolfin as though they were all brothers. A sister they had, Godivariel, most beautiful of all the house of Frënchroast; her hair was lit with gold as though it had caught in a mesh the radiance of Lauralynn, the sacred Tree with the Beans of Golden Hue; the chief love of her heart was chocolate.