The next day, Jim Kirk felt like shit, but he was too prideful to let it show. So he took a cold shower in the morning, drank an excess of coffee and convinced himself that he should be determined to appear as unaffected as ever.
There was no point in stewing in heartbreak. The very short possibly romantic excursion with Spock was just a detour, a flight plan that resulted in a stalled aircraft. And it left him with two options: crash and burn, or recover.
He chose recovery, but it was a battle. He had to forcefully push thoughts of Spock out of his mind, he had to swallow the hurt and longing that lingered in a lump in his throat. But he was the fucking captain, and he had no business being distracted.
So he looked sharp as shit as he stepped onto the bridge in the wee hours of the morning. The night crew was still shuffling out of the space and the main crew greeted him as they trickled in.
Jim didn't need to turn his head to know when Spock had arrived. He could feel his presence, like a magnet in a forcefield. He could feel the heat of Spock's gaze, recognize the familiar footfall of the Vulcan.
Once Spock was seated (not having greeted Jim yet), the captain swiveled to his side and smiled at the first officer. "Good morning Commander Spock," Jim said, chipper as could be, his blue eyes glowing beneath the bright white lights.
"Good morning captain," Spock said cooly. He was bewildered at the captain's unfazed attitude. Why, just last night Jim seemed to be in a considerable amount of emotional distress. Perhaps the captain was feigning normalcy, or maybe…maybe Jim's feelings for him didn't run as deep as he thought.
As the latter option occurred to Spock, he felt his stomach twist. A pang of some very human emotion rocked his resolve. He wouldn't even put a name to the emotion, he wouldn't even acknowledge it. If he was going to get through this shift and every shift that followed, he would have to disassociate himself with his feelings toward the human.
Nothing, especially not romance, was worth risking the integrity of the Enterprise. No affair of the heart could be worth risking their indelible friendship. Logic screamed at Spock that his feelings for Jim were wholly illogical, and he tried his best to listen.
But it was far from easy.
Although not a hair was out of place, and no bags resided beneath his eyes, Spock felt drained. He hadn't slept at all the night before. Even his attempts at meditation had failed due to being constantly interrupted by the memory of Jim's moans, by the sensation that his captain's touch had left behind.
He didn't ask for this, for any of it. He was Vulcan. He was above such trifle affairs. He saw his own distress as a sign of pathetic weakness, and he was disgusted with himself.
But despite everything that was going on, both officers maintained focus throughout the shift. And no other crew members suspected that anything was off between them. No, they were too busy gleefully chatting about what activities they'd take part in when they reached Thorg for shore leave.
The whole ship was buzzing with bubbly enthusiasm. It seemed as though everyone was counting the minutes to reach Thorg, everyone except Spock. Even Jim had a broad smile plastered on his face. He gave some advice to young Checkov about drinking too much and swapped shore leave stories with Uhura.
The happier, the more normal Jim seemed, the more irritated Spock felt. His reactions were most curious and undoubtedly warranted some internal reflection, but he would reserve that for shore leave.
At warp 5 they reached Thorg by dusk. The time went quickly for Spock, but trickled by painfully slow for everyone else. The hour was late, but the sun hadn't set. The night was young, and everyone was ready to take advantage of it, save for Spock. Once the ship was securely in orbit, crew members began to beam down to the planet's lush surface.
Thorg was a sight to behold. The city where the crew beamed down for leave is called Thornto. And it is nothing less of magical. Bioluminescent buildings made entirely of plant material tower above the bustling streets. It's as if a city planted itself in the jungle and was made of the jungle itself. The people lived to sustain their planet, and their planet thrived in accommodating the people. Thorgans were inextricably tied to their planet, to nature, and it was a concept almost foreign to the humans, but they loved it.
Steadily the ship was drained of it's inhabitants, save for a skeleton crew, and now it was high command's turn to beam down.
The crew had never taken shore leave here before, and as each member of the Enterprise materialized, they looked around in awe of the city and it's breathtaking inhabitants. The Thorgans had pearl-like soft pink skin. In the light some of them would shimmer a white color, while others shimmered orange and yellow. Their eyes were large, deep brown, and child-like. There was such a warmth that communicated through their demeanor that it was easy to feel right at home.
The shore leave crew was almost entirely beamed down, almost.
Jim packed a small bag and headed for the transporter room. As he turned a corner he nearly ran into Spock. Both of them stopped in their tracks and awkwardly looked at one another. Finally Jim cleared his throat and asked, "headed to the transporter?"
"Affirmative," Spock replied, walking once more, away from Jim. But to no avail - Jim caught up to his friend and shot him a smile. "Look Spock…I know things between us have been…off…but, I don't want that to affect our shore leave or our friendship."
Spock said nothing, he just continued to walk, but Jim could sense the wheels turning in his head.
"I mean, the whole reason you don't want a relationship is because it'll jeopardize our friendship right?" Jim nearly whispered, but still, the Vulcan shot him a disapproving look at touching the subject in public - even if the ship was nearly empty.
"Well, we should work to keep that friendship in tact. Right?"
"Our friendship is indeed intact captain," Spock said as they both made their way down the sterile white hallway.
"Is it?" Jim asked.
"Anyway, I just want you to enjoy your shore leave and put all of this behind you."
"Have you put it behind you?" Spock asked, mentally admonishing himself the moment the words left his lips.
"Well, that is what you want isn't it?"
Spock was unsure of how to respond. His feelings for Jim were unbreakable and growing ever stronger. It frightened him. He had never been involved romantically with another male, which also frightened him. And certainly it would be frowned upon for the captain and his first officer to be in a relationship. None of it was logical. It couldn't possibly be worth the risk, could it?
"FINALLY," Scotty said as the two officers made it into the transport room. "What took you two so long?! I thought I'd hafta beam down without ya. Well, what ayre you starin at? You comin or not?"
"Yeah, of course," Jim said, walking quickly to the platform. Spock followed, standing next to his captain. It was as if he belonged there - next to Jim. Like it was his first and only destiny. What would his answer have been if Scotty hadn't cut off their conversation? Did he really want Jim to get over the recent events between them?
If he didn't want Jim to "get over it" he had better let Jim know. The captain wasn't shy of indulging in physical pleasure on shore leave.
Suddenly Spock pictured a Thorgan woman wrapped around Jim's naked body and the idea sent a fresh wave of furious jealousy coursing through his chest.
"Ready to have some fun Spock?" Jim said with a smile.
"That is precisely what I am afraid of," Spock said, keeping his gaze straight ahead.
Jim's eyebrows knitted in confusion but there was no time for clarification - they dematerialized.
In an instant they were standing on sweet smelling, aqua-colored grass, looking up at organic buildings that touched the purple sky. Thorgans littered the busy sidewalks as hover crafts zipped through the streets. It was the Thorgan equivalent to the weekend, so the party vibe emanated through the bustling metropolis. The glowing city, the pearlescent skin of the Thorgans, the spicy sweet scents that filled the air, the massive moon that loomed over the planet, the feel of warm air hitting their faces - it was a lot to take in. And it was all good.
"Jim!" Bones shouted over the noisy crowd, appearing out of nowhere, "Finally, I found you! A local told me about a fantastic bar, we've got to go!"
"Haha, okay Bones," Jim said as the doctor pulled on his arm. They got a few steps out and then Bones turned around. "You guys coming?" he asked Spock and Scotty who looked at one another and then back at Bones. "Sure!" Scotty volunteered for both of them. They trailed behind the enthusiastic doctor and his captive, taking in the sights as they headed down the sidewalk.
It seemed as though Jim was garnering an unusual amount of attention from the local females (and a few males). They stared at him and giggled as he passed.
"What's the deal?" Jim asked Bones as the four of them approached the bar. "Whatare you complaining?" Bones asked incredulously. "No, no! I'm just wondering why everyone's staring at me."
"You're a lucky man captain," Bones replied, "Thorg doesn't get many visitors, and many of the Thorgans have never seen a blonde-haired human. You're going to be very popular Jim."
The captain laughed and looked over at Spock who was now standing beside him.
"Did you hear that Spock? I'm going to be very popular," the captain's voice dropped and he grinned mischievously before entering the sea of aliens in the bar.
It was meant as a dig. It was meant to incite jealousy within Spock. But what it sparked instead was fury.