Author's note: I can't sleep, so I am taking it out on all of you! chuckles Here's some extreme naughtiness for you. Bear in mind that I have started a diet, and food, rather than coffee, is foremost in my mind. Better eat something before you read this... enjoy!
Elven Song of Silly Coffee
from the Hobbean
O! What are you doing,
And where are you going?
The coffee is brewing!
The java is flowing!
O! tra-la-la-lally
Awake in the valley!
Ah! ha!
O! What are you stirring,
And what are you baking?
The scent is alluring!
The icing is flaking!
O! tril-lil-lil-leddy
The cupcakes are ready!
Ah!-ha!
O! Where are you going
With tongues all a-dragging?
The best coffee we're pouring
And that is not bragging!
Our lattés are better
Though you'll sleep maybe never
Again!
O! Will you be staying,
To return maybe later?
The juke-box is playing!
Please do tip your waiter!
To fly would be folly
To stay would be jolly
Don't be a berk!
Come and have a cup of perk!
On the House!
Ha! ha!
-excerpts from The Bilbean; or Bean There And Back Again, a Half-caff Holiday
Roast Marshmallows
There they all sat glum and wet and muttering, while Oinge and Glóinchop went on trying to light the fire to make some coffee, and quarreling about it. Bilbean was sadly reflecting that Adventures are not all pony-rides in the May-sunshine and cappuccino, and that if the Dwarves were frustrated now, just wait until they succeeded in making a fire only to learn that there were no coffee beans left in their stores.
Suddenly Balinseed, who was always their look-out Dwarf, said: "There's a light over there!" There was a hill some ways off with trees on it, and out of the dark mass the Dwarves and the Half-caff could now see a light shining, as it might be a fire or torches twinkling.
It was generally voted (twelve to one, with one abstaining vote) that Bilbean should go and investigate, and bring back some fire or food or whatever fresh pastries he could obtain in his capacity as a burglar. Despite his objections that this was definitely not in his job description, the hapless Half-caff soon found himself creeping toward the light. He was not happy... no, not at all! Where was that dratted wizard Gandgulp anyway?
As he came closer to the fire, he smelled coffee. His mouth watered and he crept forward, intent to steal a cup with cream and sugar, if nothing else.
Three very large persons were sitting round a very large fire of beech-logs. They were toasting marshmallows on long sticks, and dipping them in chocolate before consuming them messily. Bilbean could smell graham crackers. Also there was a vast tureen of coffee brewing nearby, and the scent made Bilbean faintly dizzy with desire. He would have nicked in and stolen the whole kettle, but it was larger than his own bathtub back in TeaBagEnd. These persons were, after all, Trolls.
"Marshmallows yesterday, marshmallows today, and blimey, if it don't look like marshmallows tomorrer," said one of the trolls.
"Never a blinking bit of bratwurst have had for long enough," said a second. "What the 'ell Willyam was a-thinkin' of to bring us into these parts at all, beats me-- and the coffee runnin' short, what's more," he said jogging the elbow of Willyam, who was trying to eat a marshmallow off of his pointed stick. He burned his mouth on a flaming marshmallow and poked his eye out with the stick.
"Ow! Lookie wha' ya did, Tommytoe! Ah burned ma tongue!" he said as soon as he could. "Yer can't expect to be able t' waltz down to the 7-11 and buy some oscars as if this were downtown Bree, ya know! I've noticed that yer eatin' yer share o' mallows! So shaddup and pass the chocolate!" he groped on the ground, narrowly missing crushing Bilbean, "Where's m' eye?"
Bilbean deftly avoided Willyam's fumbling and gave a wide berth to the watery, rolling eye that was laying on the ground, covered with dirt. The daft Half-caff had decided that these three Trolls were too stupid and clumsy to catch him, and he was keen to flitch some s'mores and coffee to take back as prizes to the Dwarves. Thoníon would have to admit that he was a good burglar after all if he...
"Blimey, Bersatz, look what I've copped!" said Willyam. The troll had spotted the Half-caff with his displaced eye and grabbed the little fellow by the neck.
"What is it?" said the others coming up.
"Lumme, if I knows! What are yer?"
"Bilbean TeaBaggins, a bur--a Half-caff," said poor Bilbean, shaking all over.
"A burra'fcaff?" said they a bit startled. Trolls are slow on the uptake, and mighty suspicious about anything new to them. "Is that some kind of half donkey an' half cow thingy? What do you taste like?" The trolls licked their sticky lips, contemplating something to eat besides marshmallows, for a change.
Bilbean thought quickly. "I tasted just like a marshmallow, only more so. O please, don't eat me!"
"He wouldn't make a mouthful," said Willyam, who was sick to death of marshmallows.
"P'raps there are more like him round about, and we might make a pie," said Bersatz, who had a sweet-tooth. "Here you, are there anymore like you at home?"
"Yes, er.. I mean no, none at all, not one! Please, if you eat me, you'll regret it. I cook better than I cook... that is, I am a good cook. I can make a marshmallow taste like prime-rib! Really! I'll cook beautifully for you, a perfectly lovely meal, if only you won't have me for supper."
"Poor little blighter," said Willyam. "Let's let him go!"
"No way! I'm still hungry." said Bersatz.
"Well, I caught him, and I say we let him go!"
There followed a gorgeous row as the two Trolls began to fight, like girlscouts over the last tube of strawberry lipgloss. Tommytoe deftly saved the coffee-pot from overturning as the two rolled around, pulling hair and screeching all sorts of perfectly true and applicable names in very loud voices, none of which can be repeated on a family-friendly messageboard.
Suddenly the Trolls stopped fighting and looked around. The Dwarves, hearing the cursing and thumping and seeing the fire flickering in the distance so inviting, had come up and were placing bets on which Troll was going to win the fight. (Dwarves are notorious gamblers, and will place a bet on anything even remotely competitive, be it banana-slug races or who can grow their beard the fastest)
The Trolls quickly grabbed all 13 of them and popped them into sacks. Soon Balinseed and Oinge and Glóinchop were all tied up fast in sacks, as well as Dwadlin', and Filet and Billet, and Doragano and Norice and Oreo, and Bifburgon and Bofromage and Bon-bonbur. Thonion came last, kicking Willyam's wandering eye into the fire in his anger at seeing his folk bagged like groceries. They tucked him in a sack all by himself and tied it up tight. Bilbean cowered behind a bush, forgotten for the moment.
Just then Gandgulp came back. No one saw him. Bersatz and Tommytoe were arguing about whether to eat the Dwarves now or wait until later. Willyam was depressed about his eye. Gandulp snuck in close and spiked the coffee with Thorazine, then waited until the Trolls had drank themselves into a stupor. He freed the Dwarves and bade them follow him to a safe place. Bilbean hesitated, looking back at the Trolls.
"They weren't all bad. Are we going to just leave them like that?"
Gandgulp placed a comforting hand on Bilbean's shoulder. "There are three things you need to know to survive in the Outside, Bilbean: First, never cook bacon in the nude. Second, Discretion is the better part of burglary, and Third, Always let sleeping Trolls lie."
"I thought that we were supposed to trick them into waiting until the sun rose so that they turned into stone."
"They're as stoned as they're gonna get! Now let's get out of here! We have reservations at Rivendell Perk, and the matre'd Elground is a stickler for punctuality."
Bilbean followed the wizard and the Dwarves, looking once more over his shoulder wistfully at the coffee. He hoped the Elves knew how to brew a decent cup. He was weary of Dwarf-chicory. He promised himself that when he got around to writing in his journal about his adventure, he would 'beef' up the story a little. After all, who was going to read it, anyway?