Lord of the Coffee, Return of the Vendé:
Food-Fight on the Pelannor Fields
And so, desperate and seemingly departed from all humanity, Grandélf ordered the bombardment of fruitcakes upon the churning hoards of Naughty Beasties that Sour'on, the Lord of the Dark Café, had sent against the city of Minas Teabag. Catapult and trebuchet launched the barely-edible confections upon Dark Army, crushing many as the brick-hard pastries tumbled through the crowd; others choked trying to chew the rubbery cherries and oranges; boiling vats of hot fudge were poured upon the heads of the attackers, causing them to be eaten promptly by their companions; but the masses of Mordonut pressed on, to the very gates of Minas Teabag, barely slowed by the barrage of holiday foodstuffs.
The Armies of Mordonut had brought weapons of their own. Great firehoses wound like bloated earthworms toward the fair walls of Minas Teabag, spraying the white stone with gritty coffee dregs, and filling the air with coursely-ground soggy beans. Giant rubber-band slingshots hurled flaming popcorn-balls over the walls, to explode against the buttresses of the inner circles, raining down foul kernels upon the heads of the Men of Gondaroma. Waterballons filled with rancid tapioca and meringue splattered at random, and from above the Nutrálites sent down a hail of noxious faux-sugar cubes to harrie the besieged city.
No missile or horned hand could mar those marvelous gates that kept the teeming horcs from entering the city, so at the last word was sent back to bring out 'the secret weapon'.
Long it had been baking in the clay-ovens of Mordonut, shaped by moulds from the deepest pit of Sour'on's dungeons; Bundt, the Cake of Death. Slowly they hauled the ponderous pastry forward, towed forward by huge treat-beasts and with massive trolls to roll it; and as it passed through (and over) the ranks of Mordonut, a grunting cry rose up from the throats of the rank army in a horrible croak:
Bundt! Bundt! Bundt!
Hearing that dread sound, the knees of soldiers of Gondaroma quaked like jell-o.
And to lend further despair to the fearful frosted city, up the brown waters of Andúnkin came sailing on the morning wind a fleet of ships with black sails. Horrid cheers rose from the masses of Mordonut upon seeing them; the Pirates of the Carob-bean had arrived late to fight on Sour'on's side.
It appeared that Minas Teabag's goose was well and finally cooked.
But lo! Hark to the west! The horns of Karóden, King of Yuban are sounding, sweet as tea whistles at 4 o'clock! And see the river! The fleet of ships with black sails comes!
The armies of Mordonut had at first rejoiced as they were seemingly met with new allies, now they were dismayed as from the sticky decks of the Carob-bean ships leapt not men of mean countenance, but Aromagorn, Legolatté, Gemli, and Boromocha; each so hyped-up on Elvish coffee that they are literally smoking at the ears! With them comes the Men they had met as they sailed up the river, cajoled and shanghaied with promises of fairer coffee and fresh crullers. Even the pirates had joined in the fray, desiring to work off their caffeine-rushes and perhaps take bounty in chocolate for their reward. With them also were the Dead Men from the Haunted Pass, for though Aromagorn kept his vow and released them to seek peace at last, they have been spoiling for a good fight for some centuries, and the coffee still flowed hot through their cobwebbed hearts.
Together the Allies of Good Coffee surrounded the besiegers of Minas Teabag, and the fight began in earnest. Who can say which side threw the first french-fry, or lobbed the latest plate of lasagna? Lima beans and jelly beans rained from the sky, and rivers of gravy and molasses covered the grass. Never before had Middle-girth witnesses such a food-fight, not since the Elder Days when once on Manwëhous's birthday, Maxwelcôr gave him a baklava with a hand-grenade in it.
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... Meanwhile, in Mordonut, our little half-caff heroes struggle through the Black Café with naught to eat but the dry and flavourless biscotti of the Elves. The few biscuits of Mordonut that Sanka could find and bring to NescaFrodo were overpriced and totally devoid of nutritional value.