Lord of the Coffee:
Picking Up The Pieces
The battle was not won without some losses among the heroes. Many of the brave men of Gondaroma and Yuban were slain, trampled by the rampaging hoards of Mordonut or stoned by stray pieces of fruitcake. Héomer suffered some tarnish on his horsehead helmet, causing some panic until a clean rag and some jeweler's rouge could be found. Gemli's axe was notched when he swung at a charging Oléophant and his weapon was blocked by a paqherzphan wielding a ham-and-cheese sandwich from KwickTrip. Legolatté's braids were badly bruised, and sadly, Legolatté's identical pirate twin was grievously injured on the battle field when someone shouted 'Fire at Will!' His life was spared only by the fact that the mass of arrows fired by the horcs (and some of the men of Yuban) were largely absorbed by the possé of young girls who followed the handsome cavalier everywhere he went. Captain Joe Sparrow lost a gold filling and excused himself to go look for it.
Boromocha and Aromagorn were unscathed, and they surveyed the destruction and chaos of the battle, standing amid mounds of Mounds, maraschino cherries lying in heaps like pebbles, and drifts of whipped cream. Suddenly Boromocha cried out, and he ran forward and lifted his brother Faramocha from where he had fallen. There was a bad tear in Faramocha's tightly-fitting pants but other than that, Aromagorn could find no wound upon him.
"What is his ailment?" Grandélf asked, arriving on the scene unsoiled except for a few crumbs on his beard and a large coffee stain on his sleeve.
"Oh, he's alright," answered Boromocha, shouldering his little brother like a sack. "He's got narcolepsy. Tends to fall asleep at the silliest times. He'll wake up with a stout cup of coffee under his nose, if there is any left in the City after this rabble has come and gone."
"Let us go then and find our friends," said Aromagorn, and they gathered the wounded and those suffering from indigestion, and among these they found King Karóden, Lady Mayówyn, and MochaMerry all afflicted with a strange illness that caused them to laugh hysterically until they passed out. Even unconscious they giggled, and occasionally one would mutter in their sleep, "Do you want a cherry pie with that?" or sometimes "Sour'on stinks!" They were carried into the City with honour and settled in the Houses of Healing and Hotcakes.
Aromagorn came to them and eased their various small hurts, but the three could not be awakened from their unnatural amusement. Finally, Aromagorn knelt between Karóden's and Mayówyn's beds and whispered, "You know, if you guys don't come-around soon, Héomer is going to take over the rule of Yuban and make everyone pay tribute to him in twinkies and ding-dongs!" Karóden's eyes snapped open at that, and Mayówyn yawned and rolled over, muttering as she fell asleep, "None for me, thanks. I'm pickling some slugs."
Drippin knelt by the bedside of his friend MochaMerry, and he was weary and worried for him. Grandélf placed a comforting hand on the little half-caff's head. "Do not be concerned, Drippin. Our MochaMerry will be good as new, as soon as he gets some rest. The shock of seeing the KnishKing and the horrors of battle will fade from his mind after a good night's sleep and a stiff cup of joe."
"That's not what worries me, Grandélf," said Drippin. "What if he wakes up and finds out that I didn't save a jelly donut for him?"
"Don't worry! There is every chance that we will be killed by Sour'on's reserve army before that happens. Chin up!" The Wiseacre looked around, scratching his head. "We've got one empty bed... who's missing?"
"Where is Faramocha?" asked Boromocha a moment later. "I just went to fetch some medicine to wake him up." He had a bucket of cold water in his hands.
Legolatté looked up from where he was sitting on the floor, letting Gemli repair his braids. "Some old chappie with big white teeth came in a few moments ago and had him carried off. Said he was heading for Rath Basilbone, or was it Dínen Orcarryout... I can't remember..." the Elf covered his face with his hands. "I can't think when my hair is messed up. Come back in five minutes."
Boromocha looked up, toward the sixth circle of Minas Teabag. "Oh, no! They've taken him to the tombs! He's not dead, yet!" Boromocha ran from the room, shouting. Aromagorn, Gemli, Drippin, and Grandélf followed him.
Legolatté limped over the bedside of Will Turnover and sat down. "Tell me how you grew that beard... that looks cool!"