Lord of the Coffee; Concerning Dwarvish Women
More from the Appendexes of the
Cook-Book of the Breward of Gondorama:
Swìssmìss was the daughter of Thågràin II. She was the only dwarf-woman named in these histories (lawsuit pending). It was said by Gemli son of Gloìnchop that there were few dwarf-women, probably no more than a third of the people. They seldom walk abroad at great need, usually only when some dwarf-lord uses up all the coffee and forgets to bring more home. At such times that they do walk abroad, they disguise themselves as menfolk. It is a fact indeed that the Middle-girth Home Shopping Network and Delivery was thought up and brought into being by dwarf-women tired of gluing on false beards.
If they must go on a journey, they are in voice and appearance and in garb so like dwarf-men that the eyes and ears of other peoples cannot tell them apart. The truth of the matter is that there are NO dwarf-men at all, only dwarf-women dressing as dwarf-men to perpetuate the false rumours and give everyone back Under the Mountain a good laugh.
Okay, that's not true at all. Actually, Gemli was right and the fact that there are so few dwarf-women is a serious concern to all dwarves and is the reason that their numbers are slowly decreasing. Dwarves take only one wife or husband the whole of their lives, therefore less than one third of dwarf-men marry because divorce has not yet been invented in Middle-girth. Also, all dwarf-women do not take a husband; some desire none, or desire one that they cannot get and so will have no other. Some spend all their time in chatrooms talking to Elves and have no time for courting. Still others prefer to keep the hairy little grouches at a safe distance, for there is no one among the Free Peoples who are more crotchety than a dwarf-man before he's had his first cup of coffee in the morning.