We continued following behind Snow without him even realizing we were there, thanks to my ninja skillz! …And because I stole Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. He walked towards a warzone and another group of his rag-tag militia.
"This is crazy!" A little blonde kid said, taking cover.
"Then take a nap!" A tough, roughneck-looking guy with weirdly cut red hair snapped, looking back at him.
"What the hell is wrong with his hair?" I asked.
"Really? Can I?" The kid asked.
Lightning and I instantly deadpanned. "Seriously?" We both said.
"Sure! And when we're taking a dirtnap, you can save 'em all." The guy snapped.
"Aww, that's even worse." The kid said, falling onto his back.
"Snow actually trusts these kids? They barely know how to hold those guns. I'll be amazed if they drop one soldier in that group." I said.
"I told you, he's a reckless idiot." She said.
He then jumped down and took cover next to the kid. "No dirtnaps today." He said, then looked at the battlefield. "Our enemy is the Cocoon Sanctum. The dreaded PSICOM, no less." He said.
"Ouch, that must hurt." I said, looking at Lightning.
"I'll make you hurt if you keep it up." She snapped.
"What's there to dread? PSICOM's nothing except a bunch of fluster and bullying. They've got nothing on NORA." Some girl said, shooting at them.
"Well, they can HIT stuff." I said, noticing 5 bullets in my chest.
"Well, we are the heroes after all." The dude with the weird hair said, standing up and shooting at them.
"Heroes can ACTUALLY shoot." I said.
"Well, let's see you do better." Sazh said.
I smirked. "Thought you'd never ask." I said, getting out from under the cloak, rushing in as they were about to, into the middle of the warzone and pulled out Fire and Ice, Old West gunslinger style and shot the opposition dead effortlessly. "There how hard was that? Aiming always works." I said.
They all aimed their guns at me, but I just looked at them like "really?". "Yeah, that's not gonna work out well for you guys." I said.
They all looked cautious, but then Snow walked up and reached his hand out. "Not half bad. Snow Villiers." He said.
I put Ice away and shook his hand. "Sai Blade." I said.
"You certainly know your way around a fight. Care to help out here?" He asked.
"That's what we were already doing." I said.
"We?" He said, then followed my glance to see Lightning and Sazh walking up. "Well, Lightning. Didn't think we'd ever be fighting side by side." He said with a smirk.
"I wouldn't get used to it, if I were you. I'm only here for Serah." She said.
Who?
[Must be an important character to later explain a critical plot point.]
(In that case, let's leave it alone.) I told my head voices as we continued on.
We killed wave after wave of soldiers with ease, I didn't even have to use my powers yet. After a very short amount of time (2 fights, back-to-back) we came across more soldiers as we observed the situation from behind cover. "Aw, no more!" The blonde kid, Maqui, said, falling back and whining.
"You should really think about incorporating more less-incompetent soldiers." I told Snow.
"My team's the best I got." He said.
"You obviously haven't looked that hard." I said.
Hell yeah. Damion could kick these guys asses as an afterthought.
[Yes, but I don't think we'll find Damion in another dimension.]
(Too bad. He was like the Wolverine in the gang. Godspeed, you magnificent son of a bitch.) I thought.
"There are soldiers everywhere." The girl, LeBrau, said.
"I know, isn't it great?" I said, throwing a grenade out, wiping out a bunch of soldiers.
"So, boss, what's the plan?" The redhead, Gadot, asked Snow.
"Charge in, guns blazing." Snow said.
"Of course." Lightning grumbled.
"I like the way he thinks." I said.
"You would." Sazh said.
"Hey, that's not a plan!" Maqui said.
"For mortals, not the best plan, no." I said.
"Real heroes don't need plans." LeBrau said.
" … That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard…. LET'S DO THIS!" I shouted, rushing out, shooting the guys like Alucard would, getting loaded up with bullets myself. I killed them all and turned back to the group. "That worked, but I wouldn't recommend the same for you." I said.
"What the?!" The NORA members all shouted, freaked out.
"How the hell did you survive that? Are you a L'cie!?" Snow asked with a growl.
"For the last time, I don't even know what a L'cie is." I said.
"Apparently, he's some demon from another dimension." Lightning said.
"And now that I don't have to hide my powers anymore." I said, making a fireball in one hand and throwing it into the onslaught of guards that showed up again.
"Oh, man, I love explosions." I said.
Almost as pretty as fireworks!
[And an incredibly beautiful and effective way to slaughter enemies in droves.]
"Well, as long as you're on our side, I got no problems with you." Snow said.
"I prefer not to hurt people that aren't trying to kill me or that don't piss me off, so you're fine." I said.
"Let's just keeping going." Lightning said, rushing ahead, slashing through more guards.
"Damn, her boyfriend is a lucky guy." I said.
"She doesn't have one." Snow said, following her.
"I think I could fix that." I said, following.
[Wouldn't Lady kill us?]
How would she ever find out? We're in another dimension!
(Yep. What she won't know and won't ever figure out won't hurt her.) I agreed.
"Same plan as always! Hit 'em hard. And hit 'em again!" Snow said, slamming his fist into a soldier's face.
"I respectfully disagree. I prefer hitting them so hard they'll never get up again, then hitting the next guy just as hard." I said, kicking a soldier in the side of the head, decapitating him and sending his head flying. "[I love my job.]"
"Don't you kids go falling behind now!" Snow said, running up front, fighting a small group of soldiers by himself.
"It's better to stay back when I'm about to throw the Holy Hand Grenade!" I said, throwing the blessed hand grenade from Monty Python's Holy Grail at them, reeling Snow back with the Batclaw I stole from… Well, you should know who.
"That doesn't look that dangerous." Snow said.
"Yeah, well, neither did the rabbit in that movie and look what that did." I said. The angelic choir around the grenade ceased and the guards were incinerated by the mighty grenade. "Works every time." I said.
"Do you only have things that kill people in there?" Sazh asked.
I reached in, grabbed something and held it out to him. "Tic-tac?" I offered.
Snow then walked back up to the group with his NORA guys. We followed just behind. "You all okay?" He asked.
They all nodded or murmured yes. Maqui grabbed all the fallen machine guns and caught up to Snow, but tripped and fell, dropping them. "Seriously, does this kid do ANYTHING that's not incompetent?" I asked.
"Careful with those." Snow told him. He just chuckled. He then looked back at the group. "Don't worry. No one's moving to Pulse today." He said.
I elbowed LeBrau gently. "Seriously, what's so bad about this Pulse place?" I asked.
"Basically Hell. Full of monsters that will kill you as soon as they look at you." She said.
"Sounds fun." I said.
[Nothing we don't deal with back at DMC, dealing with demons.]
Or Nero.
"We'll clear a path for you, so just sit tight-." Snow started, when someone stood up.
"Wait! You can't expect us to just sit here!" One dude shouted, standing up, looking pissed.
"Yeah, let us fight with you!" Another one said.
"Wow. I've never known such a violent group like this. My kind of people." I said.
There was an explosion off to the left behind us. "Okay then. Volunteers front and center." He said.
Many people walked up, including someone who, based on her pheromones and such (gotta love demon senses) suggested she was a mother. "Mom?" Her son asked.
([Called it.])
"Don't worry." She said, walking up and picking up the guns, walking up to our group.
Snow saw her and walked up. "You sure?" He asked.
"Yeah. Mom's are tough." She said.
"That is true." I said, remembering one time my mom tore a dude's throat out for whistling at my sister.
Gadot then spun a gun around stylishly and handed it to Snow. "Last one, boss." He said.
"Right." Snow said, walking up to those who didn't volunteer. "Alright, last one. Somebody take it." He said, holding it up in the air, then holding it out to the group, towards the mother's son. He scooted back however.
([Noob.])
The girl beside him suddenly got up onto her knees and reached out for it. "Yeah!" She said.
He handed it to her at that point. "Push comes to shove, keep 'em safe." He said, winking and clicking his tongue.
She took it and aimed it… at him. "Bang!" She said. He pretended to groan like it actually hurt.
"Alright. Lay low and you'll be fine. We're gonna clear out the area." He told them.
"Wait, do we have to lay low, too?" I asked, disappointed.
"Nope, we're going right into the heart of a raging firestorm." He said.
"Now you're talking!" I said, perking back up and pulling out 2 miniguns.
The groups split up, Maqui leading away those that wouldn't fight and us going off with the ones that would. We continued on, defeating more and more of the soldiers trying to stop us, when they suddenly brought in some type of massive dog/bear creature. "Heroes don't run from fights." Snow said, getting ready to fight.
"No, but if this thing knows what's good for it, IT better run from this fight." I said, getting ready to throw a fireball the size of an SUV. It decided to attack us. "*inhales* Bad move." I said casually, throwing it. No more massive dog/bear creature anymore.
After that, it was a big gun fight that PSICOM was badly losing as Gadot started to actually aim, effectively killing one soldier as I unloaded on the rest of them with miniguns. "YEAH! WHAT YOU GOT, BITCHES?! WHAT YOU GOT?!" I shouted, mowing them down.
Suddenly, a giant airship started firing and pinning us down, loading me up with bullets completely through the torso. "I don't deserve this." I said, annoyed.
That is a big-ass helicopter!
[It's Final Fantasy, there's no such thing as helicopters.]
Snow rushed out to try and grab the rocket launcher sitting on the ground, but it slipped out of his hands and out of his reach. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I said, charging a Kamehameha.
Epic fail! "Ka….me….."
[Noob.] "Ha….me…."
The airship then made a giant cannon. [Wow, that's a big gun. Even for Final Fantasy!]
Then the cannon opened up to become even more deadly. And it gets bigger!
"HA!" I said, firing the blue beam of death completely through the airship, breaking it in two and sending it to the ground. "Ha ha! Yeah! Take that you son of- oh, shit." I said as I realized it was coming down on the bridge we were on.
[Maybe that WASN'T our smartest decision.]
I didn't see YOU coming up with any plans!
"Your disembodied voices in my head, you CAN'T be seen. Anyway, plan now, how to save ourselves and everyone else. We're just one demon; we can't save everyone on our own." I said, looking, trying to make a plan as the bridge was going down.
[Have you forgotten we can make an army of clones of ourselves at any time?]
Or, more our style, break the 4th wall and rip-off another franchise. Specifically one with creatures getting captured in baseball-sized prisons!
"You made that sound darker than it is, but I get what you're saying. Which one?" I asked.
[That IS the problem with having 493 of them. Too many choices.]
How hard is this choice? Pick the most badass one!
"You got a point there. Time for even more shameless cross-promotions. Mewtwo, help us out." I said, throwing the Master Ball to release the ultimate psychic Pokémon, having it catch us all with its psychic and slowly lowering us to the ground.
(As always, I am only needed to get you out of trouble.) He complained through telepathy.
"Hey, there's almost NEVER a situation that bad when I need you. Think of it as a compliment." I said.
(Very well. Let me out when there's actual fighting to be done.) He said as I recalled him.
"Right then, where the hell are we?" I said.
"What the hell was that thing?" Snow asked walking up.
"Oh, I have so much work to do." I sighed, deadpanning.
Suddenly, a giant type of airship, or something, was released and sent somewhere, not going unnoticed by Snow and Lightning. "Serah!" They both shouted.
"Who now?" I asked, confused.
"My fiancée." Snow said.
"My younger sister." Lightning said.
"That's your sister? I was kinda picturing a girl a little shorter than you, pink hair, something like that." I said.
"Don't be a smartass." Lighting said, putting the gunblade to my throat.
"That's the Pulse Fal'Cie." Sazh informed.
"Serah's inside it." Snow said.
"Well, this just got a whole lot more interesting." I said, reaching into my pocket and releasing Rayquaza, the only thing I knew that could get the group there together. "Well, let's skip another annoyingly large chunk of the plot and go get her." I said, jumping on its back, waiting for the others to get on. Just like with the first one, though, they were way too distrusting. "Come on, the head's up here, it's not gonna bite." I said.
They exchanged glances, but eventually got on. "So, what's your angle in this, anyway?" She asked.
"Have you not been listening? I wanna get the hell back home. Maybe by setting certain events in motion, that will happen. If not, at least I still get to kick ass and kill things." I said, ordering it to fly off.
Back on the place with the other group of survivors…
The kid whose mother had left to fight, Hope, glared at us as we went towards the Fal'Cie, glaring at Snow. "That's the one." He said.
"Didn't you have something to tell him?" She asked.
"Yeah, but- They're on a dragon. How are we supposed to catch up to them?" He asked.
"I'll go with you." She said. Then she saw the hoverbike. "Hey, do you know how to fly that?" She asked.
"Yeah, I think so." He said.
"Alright!" She said, shoving him in. "In you go!" She then got in herself. "That way!" She said, pointing to the Fal'Cie.
"If we go in there, that thing could make us L'cie." He said.
"What are you two doing?!" Gadot shouted, running up to them.
"Time to go!" Hope said, firing up the engine and taking off after us.
Back with us…
"I sense a useless plot device in the force." I said ominously.