AN: Ah, glorious! It's high time they set up a section for this series of awesome! My apologies for the really long delay. You could say I had fallen out of it thanks to one new series of interest or another. But, this particular move has inspired me to graciously try to get myself back in gear! Note the unusual shortness of this chapter, and you can see just how out of it I was.

Enigma: Hehe… I actually enjoy writing technobabble. It's somehow fun trying to express such things in words.

JWM: Tanigawa-san is the ultimate in creativity. I just try to follow his example.

Micah: Thanks for the encouragement. I hope to live up to that standard.

Mai: Here it is, then.

Newb: She never said 'no'. :P

Rex: Well, with the way things are going, I don't blame you.

Disclaimer: Haruhi Suzumiya and all related characters are the property of the One True God, Tanigawa-san. Leonid Brezhnev belongs to Soviet Russia. Soviet Russia belongs to YOU!! Russian Reversal belongs to Yakov Smirnoff. Haruhi 738 belongs to Timeline 738. Lastly, the Haruhi Suzumiya Section belongs to the people who took the initiative to bug the FFN administration to make one! Nice work, you guys!

Chapter 6: In Soviet Russia, Plot Dumps YOU!!

We now take you to the daily SOS-Brigade meeting, sans the wonderful presence of Asahina-san and the fragrance of her tea. It is now Wednesday, and Haruhi had almost finished ranting on about how suspicious Asakura's knife skills were.

"You don't learn that kind of stuff in seven months!" our Brigade Commander shouted. "It takes a lifetime of training and practice to achieve even something close to that level of skill!"

This was in reaction to lunchtime's demonstration, where the rogue interface did some crazy knife stunts. Just like a thrower at a carnival, she tossed around five of them, at Sakanaka-san, who she had instructed to stand still by the wall. The girl tried her best to do so, but the fact that Asakura was, on top of throwing knives, blindfolded, was enough of a reason for a little quivering. The stunt was successful, though, and a rough outline of Sakanaka-san found itself lodged into the classroom wall thanks to your friendly neighborhood knife fetishist. After this, she continued showing off by juggling three, four, then five, and did other crazy knife tricks that would have earned her a visit to the Guidance Councilor.

Oddly enough, no faculty or staff members even passed by, despite all the noise from Class 1-5's mixture of screams, cheers, and other loud vocalizations. I suspected some underhanded data manipulation was at work here. Maybe a lockdown of the classroom or something? So much of this stuff happened unseen by the naked eye. Ironic, considering eighty to ninety percent of all human sensory activity is carried out by sight. That would mean that eighty to ninety percent of the time, humans are unaware of the important things that are happening. That pretty much explains why the human race at large, including Haruhi Suzumiya, had yet to discover aliens, time travelers, and espers.

"It's gotta be her father's 'sensitive project'! He's turned her into some kind of supersoldier! This needs more investigation!"

Okay, let's do a little reality check here… In Haruhi's World, the Student Council is an evil organization bent on suppressing the rights and freedoms of other student organizations and the students themselves, and uniting them under the tyrannical control of one individual, namely, the president. Also, corporations are secretly working on supersoldier projects, using people, including the close relatives of senior managers, as guinea pigs. Lastly, aliens, time travelers, and espers are hiding out there somewhere, just waiting to be discovered.

In the real world, the Student Council seems to have been undergoing some changes what with the new president in power, and from what I've heard so far, he seems to be moving in favor of student independence or something… The corporation that apparently experimented on Asakura, giving her superhuman knife-handling skills, is completely fictional. Her abilities can be explained by the simple fact that she is an artificial human created by what Skynet would probably evolve into given a few million years. Finally, though aliens, time travelers, and espers are indeed hiding, they know better than to hide 'out there somewhere'. Instead they hide right here, under our precocious Brigade Commander's nose, and certainly aren't waiting to be discovered. Hell, they're doing everything to make sure that doesn't happen!

"But her belongings don't show anything at all…" Haruhi pursed her lips, deep in thought.

"Might I suggest hacking into her computer?"

Dammit, Koizumi! What is it with you and giving her weird ideas?

"It was the one thing that Nagato-san and I did not have enough time to check, and perhaps viewing her emails or IM logs would prove to be fruitful."

Haruhi's hand came down on his shoulder in the same way that a general would congratulate one of his colonels for a battle tactic well-executed. "An excellent idea, Koizumi! We might even find more information on the corporation that turned her into this! If I could promote you further, I would, but you're already Vice-Chief!"

"Please, Suzumiya-san," Koizumi bowed like one would before the final fall of the curtain, "Your mere acceptance of my humble suggestion is more than enough to gratify me."

As always, dishing out doses of flattery so toxic that they're lethal to all but Haruhi. I know it's your job to make her happy and all that, which involves excessive ass-kissing on your part, but do you have to make a career out of it? That… was kind of redundant…

"You're a model member, Koizumi!" Haruhi turned to the remaining two people in the SOS Brigade. "You two should follow his example! And for starters, pass my message on to Mikuru-chan when she gets back!"

How do you even know that she's coming back?

"They always come back!" Another conviction-filled yell escaped her mouth, "Besides, she has a lot of explaining to do when she gets here, so she can't not come back! I won't allow it!"

If only you knew how close that statement is to reality. Sadly, if I told you about that, well… lessee here… The first time I told Haruhi about the basic facts of this world as we know it, she promptly shoved it into her internal garbage incinerator. Furthermore, she mocked me, whether she meant it or not doesn't really matter, by turning all that into a craptacular movie, the only redeeming value of which was the lead actress. The second time I told her, she believed me. The problem was, it wasn't her her. Sure, she was still same old incessantly upbeat Haruhi Suzumiya, but she didn't go to North High. No, on an alternate December 20th last year, I gave the basic facts of the world to a depowered Haruhi Suzumiya, changed like everybody else on that crazy week… except me. Of course, after Nagato fixed that problem, everything went back to normal, and she didn't remember a thing.

Now the whole point of these citations of past experiences is that, as the three of them had all warned me from the start, if I told Haruhi about aliens, time travelers, and espers, then she wouldn't believe me. At least, not if I didn't pull out my trump card. That's right. The reason why the Haruhi from last year's December 20th believed me was because of one short, succinct three-word sentence: "I'm John Smith".

Of course, considering that I haven't really found out just why the other other Haruhi is acting the way she is, it might be best to hold it off for a later date. Who knows? Maybe the cause of her conquest of everything is because in the first place, the me from her timeline was thinking on the same lines as I am right now, and, out of plain curiosity, decided one morning to just say, "You know what, Haruhi? I'm John Smith." Add a catalyst to a seemingly calm but highly reactive substance, and you get a nasty explosion. "John Smith might not be such a useful ace in the hole after all," I mumbled to myself.

Ah, but these past few trains of thought have completely derailed me from the true point of this portion of the monologue in the first place! Well, that's really what happens when you're thinking one thing, and somebody like say, Haruhi, says something, and you lose track of what you were originally thinking. Now… if this were my private diary, I could just look up a few lines to see what I was originally writing, but alas, this isn't the case. Fortunately for me, I'm not one to totally lose track.

The thought beforehand was an inquiry on how exactly Haruhi knew that Asahina-san was coming back. Now you're probably wondering, why am I so focused on such a silly premise, when it makes sense that she won't be coming back until this whole situation has been resolved. But let's just say that last night, after Haruhi dropped me off at my place, I found a visitor of sorts, waiting for me in the living room, and that that visitor had convinced my mom and sister that he was one of my substitute teachers. Honestly… how could they fall for such a ploy from somebody who dresses like that?

And of course, by the previous context clues, it seems pretty obvious now who that 'substitute teacher' was. The mad stereotypical Soviet Russian, Leonid Brezhnev. And yes, it's going to be a flashback sequence.

"So I see that you've found 'Scribe'," he said, apparently having helped himself to our fridge and opened a bottle of Swedish Vodka that my dad brought back from one of his business trips somewhere abroad. The Russian was sitting on the couch with his boots raised onto the living room table, where he had also placed the quickly emptying bottle of distilled liquor, swirling the glass of his drink, which he was having on the rocks. I never thought the sound of ice cubes hitting glass as well as fellow ice cubes could be so annoying. "Well done."

"That clue you left in my locker was a big help." I didn't bother sitting down. Even when he invited me to, along with a glass of the vodka, I just waved it off. "I'm too young to drink, remember?"

"Oh, right." Brezhnev mumbled a few disgruntled Russian curses to himself, probably for forgetting about that little fact. "Well I hope your otěts doesn't mind if I removed temptation of getting drunk with fine vodka from his path." He took that glass he had offered to me earlier and downed it in one gulp.

What, no chaser?

"True Stereotypical Soviet Russian does not take chasers."

Don't you think you're taking this cosplaying of a stereotypical Soviet Russian thing too seriously? He gave me a confused look before cracking up. I think he's actually starting to get drunk… "Uh, you know, my mother and sister might already be sleeping and-"

"Eh, don't worry about them!"

Brezhnev pointed his thumb at the stairs, where, sure enough, my mother and little sister were climbing to the second floor… in extreme bullet time. "Don't tell me… another one of your bubbles?"

"Da." The time traveler poured himself a third shot. Strangely enough, that drunken aura disappeared and he suddenly seemed completely sober. "I believe now is right time to tell you about what exactly 'Scribe' does."

"I already know." I unconsciously began to play with the Rubik's Cube in my pocket. "It's a map that leads to another program called 'Saber', which is our Haruhi's defense mechanism against tampering by other Haruhis. It protects her powers." And yet strangely enough, it was unable to protect them from a 'lesser' being, like say, a Data Interface. Somebody explain that to me… In retrospect, whatever drove me into thinking that finding Saber and keeping it safe from Asakura was a plausible move anyway? That would just make me a walking target for more stabbing attempts, or worse, the victim of godlike powers used in a devilish way.

"Because deep inside, you know that 'Scribe' is far more valuable than just that," Brezhnev rested his chin on his thumb and curled index finger. "Though I wonder… who told you about 'Scribe's' function and 'Saber'? Integrated Data Entity? Agency?"

"Ryoko Asakura."

The expression on his face changed, from smug, annoying Soviet Russian, to something rather unreadable. It wasn't something you could consider neutral, and yet just what emotion it was trying to convey was ambiguous to the point that it could have meant anything. In the end, though, it seemed to choose apathy. "Huh… well that makes sense. Leave it to enemy to give you incomplete information."

There are two ways to look at what he just said. Either one, at face value, or two, a sort of double entente and hidden threat of sorts, made to be ironic, considering that he actually was the enemy. "Incomplete?"

"Da." He poured himself another glass and swirled it around as he continued, "'Saber' does not just act as shield for Baseline Haruhi Suzumiya's Powers. That is merely function when it is running on Passive Mode. When 'Saber' is set to Active Mode, it can be used as weapon. It is not yet completely understood as to just how 'Saber' perpetuates Active Mode, but it supposedly nullifies all other Haruhi Suzumiyas' powers. That is why best option for you is to find 'Saber'. Activate it and finish trouble."

"You're not telling me everything."

"And how do you know that?"

"Asakura didn't tell me everything either." Let's face it. Everybody who's ever told me anything these past few days has always left out important details. Asahina-san (Big) told me that Haruhi was after her, leaving out the part that it was the other one. Brezhnev told me to look for 'Scribe' without telling me what it was. The other Haruhi not only told me that she had reasons that I would 'someday understand' that justify her actions. She also kept me guessing Asakura's allegiances until the latter finally admitted it herself. Asakura didn't tell me about 'Saber's' Active Mode. "So there's got to be something you're not telling me. Quit procrastinating already."

Brezhnev cracked up again and drank his shot. "You've got me, Comrade Ivan! Very well then, I will tell you. 'Saber' can be recalibrated so that Active Mode can select a target to nullify, including Baseline Haruhi Suzumiya. We suspect that to be main reason why they are after it."

Well that makes a lot of sense. Still, that means, of course, that it's now a race to find and activate 'Saber', and the opposing team seems to be very formidable. Ryoko Asakura whose powers now exceed those of a Mary Sue, and… well, the other Haruhi who makes all Mary Sue powers look like mere hocus pocus in comparison. Not to say that the two are Mary Sues, of course, but their capabilities, at least, would be high above such levels. Not even Son Goku, with his ridiculous power level that over the course of the series has gone WAY over 9000, stands a chance against them. A little data manipulation on Asakura's part could negate his Kamehameha attack, while the other Haruhi could just as easily whisk him into non-existence before he could even make a move.

Now if Son Goku doesn't stand a chance, what chance do we stand? Right now, I have no idea… though it seems that the best option at the moment would be to indeed, solve 'Scribe' and find 'Saber', to use it before they do.

"Do you mind if I see 'Scribe' for moment?"

You wouldn't be planning to steal it from me, would you?

"Now why would I do that, Comrade Ivan?" The Soviet Russian smirked.

"Ah, it's nothing…" I would pretty much try to calm down at this point, but I really can't. As reached into my pocket for the cube, I pondered the possibilities. If he was indeed working for the enemy, and 'Scribe' was some kind of trap, then he would probably manipulate it in a way so as to activate the trap. If he was on our side, though, well, he wouldn't really do anything. I reluctantly placed the puzzle toy into his open palm.

"Spasíbo," I think that was the Russian equivalent of 'thank you'. My heart began to race as his fingers closed around it and my own hand pulled out. It was like barely escaping the jaws of a hungry crocodile… Apparently, though, any sort of devious activity was either unseen by my naked eye, or simply not present. Brezhnev examined the Rubik's Cube for a few moments before handing it back to me. "You've made good progress, Comrade Ivan. Soon, we can fix this trouble we're having with timelines, and you can go back to your normal, usual, boring, everyday life!" He laughed in that obnoxious stereotypical Russian way.

Honestly, even if this guy really was on our side, I wouldn't want him to be. He's more annoying than Koizumi, and is probably the only person I know who calls me a Comrade. On top of that, if he thinks I won't be able to understand something, he addresses me by some Russian profanity that most likely insults my intelligence! If you say that I'm a… whatever that is… one more time, I'm going to introduce you to the business end of my dad's Nine Iron!

"Please, be my guest, Comrade Ivan!" My sarcasm sense is tingling… "Though before you do, I would like to give you some excellent news!"

I wonder what the stereotypical Soviet Russian considers to be 'excellent news'.

"I have spoken to higher-ups, and they have all agreed that it is now safe to pull Comrade Mikuru Asahina out of Lockdown Zone!"

Now that is good news! Of course, it's only good if you aren't pulling my leg again. The prospect of once again being graced with Asahina-san's angelic presence and her blessed tea after four days of being deprived of their holy glory was filling my mind. "You're not kidding, I hope."

"Not at all! By tomorrow afternoon, recovery should be complete, and Comrade Mikuru will be returning to your little kiddie club soon afterward!"

The rest of the visit was spent discussing trivial things that your stereotypical Soviet Russian would talk about… I won't go into the details sine I might either shock you, or bore you. Then, carrying the half-empty bottle of Swedish Vodka with him, Brezhnev walked into the broom closet and slammed the door shut. What is it with time travelers and walking into the silliest of places? Is there some kind of law that prohibits them from making a Chronoshift unless they're in an unconventional space or something? The fact is, of course, that they don't always have to go into tight spots to time travel. As long as nobody sees them, they can time travel as much as they want!

Anyway, that's why here I am right now, sitting and thinking about just how the hell Haruhi managed to somehow get wind of Asahina-san's impending return. Then again, it could also be entirely possible that Asahina-san's return could be her doing, what with subconscious desires and all… she probably missed having somebody walking around in a costume in the club room for her viewing pleasure.

"Alright then! Rest up for today while I plan the best route of entry!" Haruhi announced. "Tomorrow, we sneak into Asakura's apartment and hack her computer!"

With that final announcement, Nagato slammed her book shut, and we began to file out of the clubroom.

Again, I ask, why is this happening to me? Why do I always have to put up with such ridiculous plots while the world is coming close to destruction? The 'date' last night was bad enough, and despite the fact that I knew she did it to keep our cover intact, that kiss still left me with some serious mental scarring… Fortunately, the only people who actually saw us were Taniguchi and Asakura, and we were in disguise. Even though Asakura knew it was us, I doubt she would bother to do something so trivial as spread gossip about Haruhi and me.

I sighed as I found another letter in my shoe locker. Time travelers must know so little about this time plane that they all mistake shoe lockers as mailboxes or something. This one was in a baby pink envelope, while the letter itself was written on a stationery. Out of all the crazy people who leave letters in my locker, only one of them goes through so much trouble…

Please meet me at the park after school. It's very important.
-Mikuru Asahina

So the crazy time traveling Soviet Russian wasn't kidding then? A sick feeling welled up in my gut. If that bastard was pulling my leg and stepped out of the bushes instead of Asahina-san, I'm going to do more than break his nose! I quickly switched to my outdoor shoes and hurried to the park.

Now when it came to meetings at the park, there was only one spot I could think of that everybody agreed on. I stopped to look at that bench for a moment, recalling last night's events with crystal clarity. Nobody was here yet, eh? Typical.

I sat down and closed my eyes. A few moments later, I heard a rustling in the bushes. Moment of truth! I turned so see, and thank heaven for it, Asahina-san (big) in a stylish winter fur coat. Thankfully, she wasn't wearing an Ushanka, like every other crazy person has been this season.

Flashing me a smile that would turn on any self-proclaimed male regardless of personal preference, this beautiful snow fairy sat down right next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. If Haruhi were to see us now, I'd probably wish I had 'Saber' to depower her that I might be left to enjoy this moment of bliss.

"So what are we going to talk about?"

"It's about Brezhnev-taisa," she mumbled. I blinked. Taisa? That crazy Russian is a colonel? Does that mean that you're military?

"Where I come from, the military ranks of this time plane have evolved, and the archaic term 'colonel' has become a position roughly equivalent to a senior officer at a government institution."

Well that's an interesting thing to know… "What about him?"

Asahina-san (big) suddenly turned to me. Now I would usually consider this one of those 'your face is too close' situations, but since it's more of a heavenly being than a wise guy esper, I really don't have any qualms about it. Those big doe eyes stared into my own for a few seconds, as if trying to convey some kind of telepathic message. "Where's 'Scribe'?"

"Well, I…"

"You didn't… give it to him, did you?"

Now why would I do that? Even if the crazy bastard is on our side, I wouldn't trust him with something so important. She faced forward again, breathing a sigh of relief. "What's going on with that nutjob anyway?"

"I've only been briefed about it after I was retrieved by my superiors." Her tone had become a seriously worried one. I suspected that there was definitely something wrong with the guy. Ever since Koizumi brought the suspicious details to our attention, he's been on my 'beware of' list. And now, this was Asahina-san (big) herself, apparently confirming these suspicions. "We aren't one hundred percent sure, but there is a very big possibility that he has turned traitor."

"Traitor, eh?" It figures.

"Yes. Over the last few weeks, he was observed to have been making unauthorized data transmissions to an unknown receiver via the STC Network." I never liked that crazy Russian in the first place, and it looks like he's finally shown us his true colors. "The data itself is Classified Information, even to me, and that means it must be highly sensitive. I don't think he knows that we've been watching him yet, which is good."

"Might I ask… if he turned traitor, then who's he siding with now? The other Haruhi?"

"No." Asahina-san (big) shook her head. Even doing something as simple as that is enough to give me butterflies! "As far as we can tell, Suzumiya-san 738 is only working with Asakura-san. We believe that Brezhnev-taisa is now working with them."

"Them?" This was more or less a rhetorical question, since the only other party that could possibly have been involved were them. Them, as in the enemy. I don't need to recite their actions against the SOS Brigade again, do I?

"Them."

Okay, since that's been established, I think we should move on before this becomes another one of those scenes from comedies where the whole dialogue consists of one word being spoken repetitively in declarative and interrogative tones by the characters involved. "What should I do then?"

"We can assume that the information Brezhnev-taisa has been giving you is inaccurate. What has he told you so far about 'Saber's' Active Mode?"

I scratched my chin as I racked my brains for the answer. "That it will nullify all the other Haruhis, but can also be changed to target specific Haruhis to nullify, including ours." Asahina-san (big) blinked. "What?"

"That's exactly what it does…" She shook her head again, apparently trying to get her thoughts in order. This was the most confused I had ever seen Asahina-san (big), who usually knew all the answers. "I don't understand…" She managed to get her composure back together and gave me one of her serious stares. I could stare at that face forever, if I had the time. "He seems to be trying to throw us off then. Listen, Kyon-kun," that snow fairy held my shoulders tight. "Whatever you do, don't give 'Scribe' or 'Saber' to him once you get it. I will come back once you find 'Saber', and teach you how to activate it. Once that's done, it should put the Space-Time Continuum back into its original course. We might not be able to get rid of the infinite other timelines, but at least only our Suzumiya-san will be a matter of concern… Just like it used to be."

"So the damage dealt is pretty much permanent?"

"Unfortunately, yes." An awkward silence permeated the atmosphere. Asahina-san (big) and I shifted in the bench, both looking down at the slowly flowing water in the semi-frozen river. It would make a pretty good picture… both the scenery and us, I mean. A few minutes passed, and eventually, I found myself relaxing to a near-sleep state. "Kyon-kun…"

"Yeah?"

"Please be careful."

I tensed as she hugged me tightly for a few moments, before I felt another shuffling. The next thing I knew, her presence was no longer there. Even though I could tell she had left, I still stole a peek, just to make sure. Yep, just like that, Asahina-san (big) was gone, the only trace of her ever being here in the first place a spot where the snow had been shoved aside by her warm… posterior… I violently shook my head. Bad thoughts! Away with you!

And so, this is how my day pretty much came to an end. I spent the next half hour staring blankly at the river with no particular thoughts on my mind. The only thing that did register to me was the almost crawling flow of the water downstream, a little something to calm my spirit and give the false impression that everything was alright, at peace, in order. After all, in the winter's semi-frozen rivers, water was slow and calm… right?

As my phone read Five-thirty, I sighed and rose from that bench. Giving the scenery one last look-over, I thought to myself, 'When this is all over, I'm going to have another nice sit here…' before heading back home. I had no idea that I wasn't going to make it that far before something happened…

TBC…

AN: Ugh… this is my pathetic hello to the imminent school year. This piece, I would consider as a sort of breather of sorts. It's short, and not at all action-heavy, yet still raises a few bits of questions, I hope. Think of it as the calm before the storm. And as I'm rather tired at the moment, I won't be giving out any fancy-shmancy chapter previews, only a vague, possible title for the next chapter: Flawless Cowgirl.