Okay I told myself I wasn't going to touch this fic until I had You Instead in the bag but then today someone messaged me through Tumblr and told me that Chris Colfer was going to be guest judging on Drag Race All Stars 3, and it made my heart happy. I mean to have two of my favorite shows, Glee and Drag Race collide like that just as I was starting this fic in which Kurt and Santana bond over being super fans, pretty awesome. Naya was on Season 9 and now Chris? It's official now. Chris and Naya really are squirrel friends. Which is awesome.
Speaking of awesome I want to thank you readers. I was really surprised by the love and support I got for this story. I wasn't sure how enjoyable it would be to non RPDR fans but it means so much that people gave it a chance and got some laughs out of it anyway. So thank you, squirrel friends.
Anyhow, to celebrate the announcement of CC being a guest judge I had to write up a quick new chapter.
X
It took them a handful of episodes to find their groove but they somehow managed to figure it out.
Gradually it just became a given that on Drag Race night Santana would show up on Kurt's doorstep.
The first few times she still put up a front about needing to borrow sheet music or needing his answers on a homework assignment but eventually that falls away. She more or less acted as if she had somewhere else to be, playing it all cool and casual like as they made their way in the front entrance but the minute they both retreated down the steps into his bedroom basement it was almost like she was a lizard, shedding her tough scaly skin to become something new, something vibrant.
Kurt noticed that a part of her seemed to relax and slowly, slowly open up when it was just the two of them in that space. Santana still managed to throw out the occasional barbed zinger in his direction but the more time they spend together the more Kurt understood that it was Santana's way of deflecting from the fact that she was obviously enjoying his company. He quickly gathered that it wasn't that she didn't want him getting too comfortable with this new development between them, but rather she didn't want herself getting too comfortable.
Either way, it was pointless because she did. Get comfortable that is.
It was amusing for him to see her get all heart clutchy when someone gave a really good lip sync or when someone she was rooting for was told to sashay away but what really impressed him was when she moved past making silly bitchy chit chat and started having playful but very passionate conversations with him.
Kurt had always fancied himself as a slightly more knowledgeable fan because he had done his homework about the history and culture of drag. Drag itself wasn't just a complex and fascinating artform and it wasn't just entertainment either, it was political. Drag was a statement, drag was protest. He'd watched enough and read enough to know that most of of the pioneers and activists that lead the way for LGBTQ rights were drag queens, along with trans women and men. Drag had always meant something. Drag was about freedom of expression, drag was about challenging the establishment. While Drag Race could make you laugh, certain parts of the show worked to highlight issues within the LGBTQ community simply by letting the contestants be themselves in front of the camera and talk about their lives and experiences.
Kurt loved Drag Race because it was seriously addictive reality TV, but he also loved it because of its message and significance.
At first when they started these little get togethers he had just assumed Santana enjoyed the show because she enjoyed the drama of the lip syncs and eliminations but it didn't take him long to figure out how real and genuine her fondness for the queens and the show went. Because what it meant to him, it also meant to her. It was during these intense conversations during the commercial breaks that he learned that she understood and appreciated drag on that same profound level.
Drag was about being fearless and he supposed that deep down that's something they both strived to be. Watching the queens confidentiality owning who they were on screen was something to aspire to. One could learn a lot from a good queen.
Santana was obviously connected to the show he realized, and since Kurt had always felt connected to it as well it almost began to feel like they were perhaps connected to each other.
It was surprising, but at the same time not.
As episodes rolled by they found their rhythm together.
Sometimes he gave in and instead of making their appetizers for their evening in he'd let her order them both take out from Breadstix, which Kurt could take or leave. It was the gesture that counted after all, although he learned very quickly to keep his hands off the breadsticks because she liked to hog them for herself.
Occasionally then too, she would take to snooping in his belongings, mostly his medicine cabinet, helping herself to his cosmetics. He was annoyed at first but relaxed a bit when she in turn began to bring over selections of facial scrubs and creams she herself had been accumulating. It appeared that both of them really loved trying different new beauty products. There were several Drag Race nights where they took to testing out facial masks, putting them on at the beginning of their evening. Sometimes depending on the brand they would get varying results. They'd done it enough times that they started taking to Tooting or Booting the products in his bathroom mirror after the end of the show and at the end of the night.
There were even nights where instead of rushing off after the Drag Race episode she would hang out for a little while longer, gently sifting through his vintage Vogue magazines. She bitched when he insisted she wear gloves when she handled the really rare issues, but it was a harmless kind of bitching that he began to sort of enjoy because he got the feeling it came from a place of affection.
One of their favorite things to do of course was re-enact all of the great, classic Drag Race scenes. They could effortlessly recite Tyra and Tatianna's famous clash behind the scenes. Kurt really prided himself in his Tatianna impression. Of course they felt the one scene they were at their best at was the even more famous Shangela vs Mimi Imfurst fight. They didn't do it often, mostly because they could never agree on who got to play act Shangela and who had to play act Mimi. Neither of them ever wanted to be Mimi. Every time they tried to do it they would just end up bickering about who got to be who and in the end Santana would always just end up calling Kurt a ''Judy Jetson hooker'' for the rest of the day.
And while he could usually construct and plan his outfits for the week on his own she had even allowed him to model a few new garments he wasn't entirely sure about. She rolled her eyes at about 75% of his clothing selections but it was still nice to have something like this with someone.
But whatever it was that was growing between them (she was still wary about calling it a friendship) as much as they were enjoying it, as much fun as they were having together, it didn't entirely translate to the choir room.
They didn't talk about Drag Race in glee or at their lockers or even at lunch.
In fact they never really had lunch together as Kurt usually sat with Tina, Mike and Mercedes. After he discovered their Drag Race connection he had floated an invitation, inviting Santana along to sit with them but she had declined it cooly. He knew her well enough at that point not to push her towards it. Being friends with him behind closed doors was one thing but out in the open Santana still had a reputation she was clasping onto, or trying to anyway. Strangely he wasn't really hurt by her distance when they were at school.
He got the feeling that she was working through something. He of all people could understand and appreciate that. While things were still far from perfect now that he had Blaine things were a lot easier.
It was clear to him that Santana didn't have support like that, or at least not anymore.
At least since she and Brittany seemed to be spending less and less time together he realized.
He really didn't understand what was going on until one night. It was another Drag Race evening of course and she had been over. The two of them had been having a friendly debate.
Kurt tended to root for queens with a flare for comedy and theatrics. He really liked a queen with quirks and a certain kind of wit. His queens couldn't just be pretty, he wanted them to be smart. He didn't mind if they were slightly unpolished as long as they brought a truly unique personality to the table. Santana however didn't necessarily mind comedy or theater queens but she tended to love fashion queens, queens who could serve serious and fierce looks. She was about the aesthetic, more so than performance. This of course meant their favorite queens were often pitted against each other on the show. It didn't necessarily cause any real tension between them but it did make for some interesting exchanges.
''I'm just saying,'' Santana started, speaking with a mouth full of popcorn as she and Kurt sat once again in his basement bedroom. ''I don't get Jinkx Monsoon. Is she entertaining? Yes. No denying that. But can she serve it on the runway? No freaking way.''
''I'm not saying her runways are flawless! She definitely has room to evolve in that regard. What I'm saying is that in terms of personality she's giving it in a way no other contestant has this season. She won Snatch Game for goodness sake!''
''But you know who else performed well in Snatch Game? Roxxxy! Roxxxy who has consistently delivered stunning looks! Do I even need to talk about her wig reveal?! I think not, Kurt, I think fucking not!''
''Agree to disagree.''
They gave each other a single nod as they turned their attention back to the TV screen. Things were about to get real in Untucked. Untucked of course was Rupaul's Drag Race after show that aired right after the episode. It featured the queens talking smack and strategy backstage during filming and while the actual series was a competition, Untucked was full of the kind of ridiculous and juicy drama that one could sink their teeth into. It reminded Kurt of glee club to be honest.
''Backrolls!'' onscreen Alyssa Edwards gasped in her talking head segment after another queen body-shamed her. ''Oh she really came that way? Awright, awright.''
Together Kurt and Santana let out a long collective ''oooooooo'' because Alyssa was not having it.
''...Wrong queen mama, cause I am not the one,'' Alyssa declared onscreen in her southern drawl.
Their shoulders shook in laughter together, and each time it happened Kurt found himself feeling just that much closer to her. Underneath her perfect sneer she wasn't so intimidating. He felt oddly touched that he got to see and experience this honest and earnest side of her.
''Okay pause it,'' Santana requested as she stood up and did a hoppy little dance. ''Bathroom break, too much soda. Do not press play until I get back or I'll flush your hippo broach down the toilet.''
Kurt waved her off, unmoved by her threat. ''Whatever but hurry your butt up because Honey Mahogany is about to get her ass handed to her in the Interior Illusions Lounge!''
Santana scrambled across the room and ran up the stairs to the main level of the house where the closest bathroom was located. Kurt grinned as he watched her go and gathered a handful of popcorn from her discarded snack bowl to shove into his own mouth. And that's when he heard it, a tiny soft little dinging notification went off on Santana's phone. He moved a pillow and found it placed face down but didn't dare pick it up. He was honestly going to leave it at that until another notification went off, followed by another, and another. A series of them rang out quickly and he looked over towards the stairs wondering how much longer Santana would take. When the noises wouldn't cease he figured it might be best to turn it to silent. After all he didn't want any distractions ruining their Drag Race night. But when he went to pick it up he couldn't figure out the buttons. And so he figured he'd just pull down the top menu and get to the volume controls that way but when his fingers flicked at the top of the screen he accidentally touched something else somehow and up popped her messages.
He knew it was wrong to read but, well. He couldn't deny his own curiosity especially when he saw Brittany's name attached.
Brittany: I miss you
Brittany: Santana please
Brittany: I know it's hurting you but it's hurting me too
Brittany: I wish you would talk to me
Brittany: you have to know that I love you
Brittany: you know that right?
Brittany: I'm sorry
Kurt found himself blinking down at the phone.
He knew Brittany and Santana had always had a unique kind of relationship and that something had recently come between them but it wasn't until then that he felt that whatever it was, was more than just a silly tiff. Santana could be truly awful and even downright savage but never to Brittany. Santana had always treated Brittany with a softness and patience that had always baffled him.
Out of boredom Kurt had watched them from afar during glee club meetings their sophomore year and it was then that he realized that what Santana shared with Brittany was complex and complicated. It was during that time of observation that he came to the conclusion that they made sense in the most nonsensical way. Brittany was all rainbows and unicorns and Santana was all sneer and bite, but together? Well, he had to admit they were pretty adorable.
A small part of him was actually disappointed when it became clear something had happened between them that set Santana off on her own bitchy path while Brittany tried her hand at the relationship thing.
But whatever they had was over he concluded. It seemed that for the past several weeks Brittany had been trying to make contact only to get radio silence from Santana who never texted back.
He wasn't sure why he felt sad for them but he did, especially for Santana who he hadn't heard walk back downstairs. Of course while he didn't see her, he sure as hell felt her when his hand was slapped, whacking her phone right out of it.
''What the hell do you think you're doing?'' she asked sharply as she rushed over to stand before him.
''What! I! It kept going off! I was trying to turn it on silent!'' he said in his defense as he cradled his slightly stinging hand.
''Like hell you were.'' She grabbed her phone from the couch cushion it landed on and took a look at the screen. ''What'd you read?''
''Nothing,'' he said evenly, trying to calm her down. ''I saw nothing.''
''So you what, just thought it was perfectly okay to go through my personal messages because, what?''
''I told you, I didn't read anything.''
''That's right,'' she said in agreement. ''You read nothing, you saw nothing.''
He shook his head about and tried to process her shift in attitude. They were getting along ten minutes ago, everything was fine but now he sensed her walls going back up. Within the past few weeks she had been learning how to be real and authentic with him and he had inadvertently undid all of her hard work with one simple thoughtless act.
Santana was weirdly sensitive he was beginning to realize.
''I'm sorry,'' he insisted and stood up. He bowed his head apologetically. ''It was an accident.''
Santana's face transformed then. It had been previously relaxed and open but he watched as her features twitched into something stoney and far away. ''You know what, doesn't matter. I have to go.''
She didn't give him a chance to explain or ask questions. It took her only a matter of seconds to gather her things, say a quick brisk monotonous goodbye and walk up the steps to see herself out.
Kurt was left standing there feeling confused and guilty. If it were Tina, Mercedes or even Brittany he would've jogged up after them to properly talk things out and sooth the situation but somehow he knew following after Santana would only just make her walk faster.
He turned to the TV and clicked it off. Somehow, watching the rest of the show without her didn't seem all that appealing to him...if Santana wasn't there with him at his side cackling and shouting at the screen with him, what was the point.
He had to raise his eyebrow at himself, it was strange how dependant his enjoyment of the show was on her just being there at his side.
He had messed up by picking up her phone and while he regretted it, it gave him an idea. He wanted to believe he and Santana were working their way towards something like friendship and Kurt wanted all of his friends to be happy and he had a suspicion that the key to seeing Santana happy was getting her back with Brittany.
He was going to have to be clever about this.
X
He let the idea swim around in his head for a few days and while he didn't exactly have some master plan on how to make this reunion between the two cheerleaders happen he thought it best to get a feeling on where Brittany was on everything.
He found his opening some time later when he saw Brittany sitting alone at lunch, only half paying attention to the food in front of her as she scribbled answers to math problems in a nearby notebook. Kurt had been surprised to learn that during his brief absence from Mckinley Brittany had been recruited into the Brainiacs, the school's academic decathlon team. He wasn't quite sure what to make of it but according to Tina and Mike, Brittany really knew how to pull her weight and had really begun to take her school work more seriously.
All in all it was nice to see Brittany become a little more grounded in reality. He wasn't sure if that was Artie's influence or not but Kurt thought it was good for her.
''Hey Britt, mind if I sit with you?'' Kurt asked as he stood in front of her, tray in hand.
Brittany looked up and startled a bit. ''Huh? Oh...yeah sure.''
She moved her notebook and book bag to the side to make room for him. He smiled in thanks and took a seat. ''I was just thinking about how you and I haven't had a chance to catch up since I came back to Mckinley. I've kind of been busy.''
Brittany's eyes lit up with genuine looking excitement. ''With Blaine?''
Kurt nodded. It wasn't entirely untrue of course. He and Blaine were dating and things were going pretty well between them. It was exciting and comforting and everything he thought he would never get to experience.
''Yeah, things are going really great with Blaine,'' he said. ''We've been spending a lot of time together. That and getting back into the swing of things academically. I kind of feel like I'm being pulled in ten different directions. I'm actually ahead in most of my classes but to be honest there's a few that have me sweating in my Marc Jacob's jacket.''
Brittany laughed at his little joke. ''Like Spanish?''
''Hm?''
''You're struggling in Spanish right?''
''What uh makes you say that?'' he chuckled awkwardly.
Brittany shrugged. ''In glee sometimes I hear you and Santana talking about Spanish notes.''
Spanish notes of course had become a sort of code phrase between himself and Santana when they needed to communicate something Drag Race related to each other while in public. For instance when Kurt learned one of the episodes was going to be supersized he told Santana to 'come pick up those Spanish notes you needed an hour earlier' so she wouldn't miss the first half. Or when Kurt's father was having work done on the house one week he went up to Santana in the choir room and told her that this week they would have to go over their Spanish notes together at her house since there was way too much noise and commotion going on at his.
It had worked for them without giving away their shared secret. They hadn't realized anyone would pick up on their little conversations here and there, but then, maybe Brittany had a reason to invested in any conversation Santana was in.
''So is she helping you with your Spanish?'' Brittany asked.
Kurt didn't want to lie but he didn't see a way out of it. He took a quick drink of his little box of apple juice. ''Yeah. Santana's helping me with my Spanish.''
Brittany blinked rapidly as if she were some kind of Disney character. ''Santana's really good at Spanish. She's good at a lot of things actually. She used to tutor me in Spanish too. Granted I wasn't even taking Spanish back then and most of our tutoring sessions ended up with us naked but you know what? Who am I to knock her teaching methods.''
Kurt blushed furiously. He forgot how loose Brittany's tongue could be, especially when it came to her and Santana and what happened behind closed doors. Brittany had always been a bragger in that regard. He had always found it strange how someone who looked so innocent could sometimes hint at the filthiest things.
''Yeah uh Santana's tutoring sessions with me aren't like that,'' he said.
''I know. But I'm glad she's helping you get caught up. You're like totally a good influence. I'm glad she has you. Santana doesn't really have a lot of people in her life.''
''She has you,'' Kurt countered.
Brittany waned. ''She and I are….we're...things…''
Kurt watched Brittany's face contort as she searched for the right words only to come up empty. It broke a piece of Kurt's heart to watch her shift uncomfortably in her seat, looking so sad and so lost.
Deciding he was tired of beating around the bush he came right out with it. ''She misses you, you know?''
''She's told you that?'' Brittany asks with a hopeful little glimmer.
''Well not with words.''
Sadly Brittany looked down and poked at her food with her fork. ''Santana's never been really good with words. She never wants to talk about her feelings.''
''Is that why the two of you aren't….?''
''It's complicated. What about the two of you? Are you guys friends now?''
''Sort of,'' he said with a weak smile. He felt like they were heading in that direction, even if Santana refused to say it out loud. ''I think so. Maybe?''
Brittany let that settle over her but her moment of reflection was cut short by a text message notification from her phone. She checked it real quick and then started scrambling up out of her seat, gathering her things. ''I'm so sorry, Kurt, I have to go. I totally forgot I planned to meet Tina to talk Brainiacs strategy. But like, do you think you could do me a favor?''
''I can certainly try.''
Brittany zipped up her book bag and slipped both arms into it before gripping the arms of it. ''Since you and Santana are spending time together, do you think you could maybe make sure she doesn't get too lonely?''
''...lonely?''
Brittany nodded. ''Santana likes to think she's some kind of badass but, deep down, she's like the most sensitive wittle cupcake ever. She's not like the rest of us you know?''
''How so?''
''She feels everything more.''
Kurt wasn't sure he knew what that meant but he got the jist of it. It was also abundantly clear to him that Brittany in her own ways was just as hopelessly miserable without Santana as Santana was without her.
''Just if she's helping you with your Spanish, maybe drag her to the Lima Bean once and awhile or make her eat dinner with you and your dad or something. She's totally gonna act like she hates it and that if anything she's the one doing you some kind of favor but trust me, it's not the case. Just make sure she's okay...for me. Please?''
Kurt blinked. How could he say no to that? ''You got it, Britt.''
And Kurt, well he was a man of his word. He was going to do it, even if it killed him.
And since it was Santana it probably would but if there was one thing Drag Race had taught him it was that you always had to be there for your sisters.
No squirrel friends left behind.
X
So fun trivia for any imaginary readers out there. I reference Shangela within this fic but the real life Shangela (Season 2, Season 3, and the upcoming All Stars 3) was actually on Glee. You can see her in Season 4's 'Let's Have A Kiki' performance. In her Hey Qween interview she talks about Sarah Jessica Parker taking her out to lunch and Chris Colfer and Lea Michele inviting themselves along, which tickled Shangela even more, because they were excited to have lunch with her too. I've actually had the pleasure of seeing Shangela perform live myself and even from my nosebleed seats she was so warm and energetic. I'm a Texas gal myself so I love that she represents ya know.
What's interesting is CC has met and worked with Shangela on Glee but in All Stars 3 he's going to be on the panel judging her. So. Neat. For the record as far as AS3, I'm Team Shangela and Team Trixie, although I do like Aja, Milk and Kennedy too, oh and Bendela of course!
And finally, everyone really should go Youtube Shangela vs Mimi Imfurst's fight because it is the most iconic scene from within the series and you know Kurt and Santana would play act it out like the nerd babies they are and for sure they would squabble about who got to be Shangela.