Well, All Stars 3 is over and I have to say, even though I love Trixie (like for my last b day my best friend got me a ton of Trixie merch, that's how much I love her) I will admit that I shed a tear or two because by the end of that journey I really wanted to see Shangela take the crown because it would be a really beautiful full circle moment for her. So congrats to Trixie of course but Shangie is the queen of my heart and I'll continue to support and buy content from both of them.
For this chapter, I've taken bits from Pandora Boxx's comedy set, many of which you can find on Youtube. You also might want to cue up Sissy That Walk by RuPaul. The thing about Drag Race is it's also a platform Ru uses to sell music, so queens are often tasked with creating music videos for Rupaul singles as part of challenges, plus only Ru songs are used during runways. So during the span of one season you will legit hear the same songs like 30 times and by the end of it, it'll just be ingrained in your brain but in the best possible way. Sissy That Walk is pretty iconic tbh. My workout mix is really just a bunch of Ru songs at this point. Like if you're a Drag Race super fan, then you will know these songs like the back of your hand. And like, I totally believe they would be Kurt and Santana's jams. As I wrote in a previous chapter, Glamazon would totally be Santana's ringtone, fight me.
X
''Sometimes I want to punch Michelle Visage in the tits.''
''You and me both.''
So Santana's whole being angry with Kurt thing lasted all of like four days.
It wasn't like she could really afford to lose the one sort-of-kind-of-but-not-really friend she had she told herself.
Was she upset with him? Hells yeah. Did he poke his nose where it didn't belong? Absolutely. But he had sent her several apology text messages that sounded all pathetically genuine which she guessed counted for something. He also slid a small note into her locker about her being the Raven to his Raja. Which yeah, she totally was the Raven to his Raja.
The truth was she had grown accustomed to watching the show with his company and the thought of going back to watching it alone in her dark and empty bedroom wasn't exactly an exciting prospect. She would never admit it to his face but she also enjoyed his constant annoying commentary during the episodes. Bitch knew his Drag Race.
And so, there was no big teary apology or scene between them. She wasn't going to let herself make a big deal out of it because that would only imply that she missed him. She simply showed up on his doorstep again and told him the next time he crossed the line she would set his pashmina collection on fire. She then proceeded to roast him over the fact that he even had a pashmina collection in the first place.
It was as simple as that. Thankfully Kurt didn't question it, he just stepped aside and allowed her entrance into the Hummel home.
''Let's not turn this into a thing, okay?'' she said. ''You did what you did and you're sorry-''
''So sorry,'' he stressed with emotion. ''Terribly sorry.''
''As long as it never happens again we can just you know…''
''Eche palante?''
Santana smiled at Kurt's use of Yara Sofia's catchphrase which translated into 'move forward'. It was a simple but beautiful motivational mantra that Yara would say often during her time on Season 3. Move forward.
''Yeah. Eche palante,'' she repeated.
If anything he looked relieved that she was willing to put their small dust up aside and move forward for the greater good. The greater good being Drag Race night of course. And so that's how they ended up back in his basement bedroom on the couch in front of the TV.
For the last several minutes Santana had waxed on about all the ways in which she would like to fight Michelle Visage, who was very much the Simon Cowell of Drag Race.
Visage was the overly harsh judge who always seemed to nitpick and make the queens squirm with her criticism. The latest episode found Michelle telling fan favorite Alaska that she had to get a sense of Alaska's heart or vulnerability, this then caused Alaska to spin into a brief bout of self doubt backstage during Untucked. Alaska was one of the few queens that both Santana and Kurt felt an affection for because she was kooky and weird enough for Kurt, and glamor and fashionable enough for Santana. They weren't huge fans of Visage beforehand but after she harshed on Alaska they weren't exactly having it with her.
''Here's what grinds my gears about Michelle Visage,'' Kurt started in a frustrated huff. ''She has a very narrow view of what she considers to be 'good drag' and if you don't fit in that box, if you're a little bit weird or left of center she tears your concept apart. I mean she hates the color green and therefore whenever a queen wears the color green she's dismissive of them and what they're trying to accomplish on that specific runway challenge. It's like hellooooo I hate flannel with a burning intensity but when Finn, Sam or Puckerman wear it during a song I put my personal feelings aside in order to appreciate or at the very least respect their performance.''
''I can't stand Visage but I will say this, Drag Race as a whole needs her in order to sustain itself.''
''How? She's horrible,'' Kurt laugh-scoffed.
''She's totally horrible, and this is coming from me which is saying something,'' Santana admitted because while Santana herself was a bitch, Michelle was like a bitch monster. ''But that doesn't change the fact that the show needs her.''
''I fail to see how.''
''Let me break it down for you okay?'' Santana reached for the remote between them and paused the show so she could turn sideways and face him head on as she further explained. ''See if Ru is every queens fairy godmother then Michelle Visage's role on the show is to be the wicked witch, stirring the pot. Ru's role on the show is to be a guiding light and mentor figure, right? So Ru can't exactly talk back or get nasty with the queens on screen because that would sully Ru's perfectly cultivated public image. Ru can't be an outright bitch with anyone because that would turn viewers off, but on the other hand the show can't all just be rainbows and glitter either. It needs someone there to bring conflict and to balance out Ru's fairy godmother shtick. Without Michelle Visage stirring the shit the show would be boring as hell.''
Kurt squinted off in the distance as he digested this and shrugged as he seemed to make sense of it all in his head. ''I guess that makes sense.''
''It's like Reality TV 101. I know what I'm talking about, I watch all of the Real Housewives reality shows.'' Santana beamed as if she were really proud of this fact. ''Every show needs a villain.''
''In other words Visage is to Drag Race what Sue is to the glee club.''
''What?''
''Like Visage, Sue is there to provoke and push us. If you think about it, like really think about it, glee club is like Drag Race,'' Kurt theorized. ''You put a dozen huge personalities in one room, what do they do? They clash and form cliques and alliances and backstab and betray each other for the spotlight but at the end of every show everyone can somehow hug it out. Also there's at least two big musical numbers per episode.''
Santana cracked open one of Kurt's fancy ginger ale bottles. ''When you put it like that, it kind of is.''
''So who do you think I would be?''
''Huh?''
''If glee club is like Drag Race, who would you say I'm most similar to in terms of personality?''
''What, like one of the queens?'' she asked and Kurt nodded for clarification.
Santana took a drink and a moment to ponder this. This was a very serious question that required a serious answer after all. The queens weren't interchangeable, no, each queen was amazing and unique in their own way, with their own personalities and brands of humor. She couldn't just say Kurt was a Jiggly Caliente or a Manilla or a Sharon Needles, because while those were all great entertaining queens their personalities didn't quite mesh well with who Kurt was as a person. This question required her to use her extensive Drag Race knowledge in order to give a precise and educated answer.
''I think I got it, you're Jinkx.''
Kurt raised his eyebrows in delight at the comparison.
Jinkx Monsoon had been an underdog for most of the season, flying just under the radar but had recently began to slay many of the acting and singing challenges, proving to her fellow queens that she was not one they should ever underestimate. Despite Visage's brutal critiques of her and despite being on the receiving end of really unpleasant bullying from some of the other queens Jinkx had found a way to rise above it all in a really courageous, inspiring way.
Jinkx was witty, Jinkx was left of center, Jinkx had a certain light and fearless, fabulous fire within her that really reminded Santana of Kurt.
''When you think about it, you're more Jinkx than Jinkx,'' Santana said, confident that her Kurt-Jinkx comparison was right on.
''Water off a duck's back,'' Kurt proudly recited said queen's catchphrase. ''I didn't think you were a fan.''
''She's not my favorite but I respect what she's about. She's not just funny, she's funny in a really specific way. It's a really smart, sometimes dry intelligent brand of humor. I don't always get it, in the same way I don't always exactly get you. That and….'' Santana shrugged and tried to show as little emotion as possible as her words grew sincere. ''She's not easily defeated. Even when it looks like everything is stacked against her, even when the judges are telling her that her runway is weak and that she needs to change or conform, she holds her head up high and continues to march to the beat of her own charmingly unique drum. She never doubts her talent because she knows that's what's going to take her to the end. You're Jinkx and Jinkx is you.''
She might not get everything Jinkx was about but she respected her which in turn meant that she respected Kurt because she saw the same fire and wit and drive inside of him.
''Don't, like, hug me or anything,'' Santana warned when she thought she saw Kurt's eyes turn watery.
''That's really sweet of you, Santana.''
She held her palm out flat in between their bodies. ''It's not a big deal, I just don't want to catch your pink eye is all.''
''I have to hand it to you, that was pretty spot on.''
''Obviously.''
''But you know who you are, right?'' he asked.
''What?''
''In Drag Race world,'' he reminded her. ''If I'm so obviously a Jinkx, you're so obviously a Willam who is the definition of problematic fav.''
Willam Belli, the Season 4 contestant, was rather infamous within the Drag Race fandom. When Willam wasn't slaying his season he spent the majority of his time annoying his fellow contestants with his smart ass mouth. Willam would start shit but most of the time he only did so to expose someone's hypocrisy or call out their questionable behavior. Willam was a bitch but he owned it and he expected everyone else to do the same, to own their shit and play the game fairly and the only time he took issue with people was when a queen pulled something underhanded. He was brilliant and strategic and even though he sometimes went too far, he was still well liked by the fandom. He was also considered a little bit of a legend as being the only contestant in Drag Race herstory to ever A) puke on the runway and B) be disqualified from the competition for ''behavior unbecoming of a drag queen'' after Ru confronted him about breaking rules.
There were many fan theories out there but to that day no one knew exactly what Willam had done to get kicked off the show but regardless, his being thrown off had cemented him as a Drag Race legend. He was a very beloved asshole one could say.
And he shared a lot of personality traits with Santana, at least according to Kurt.
''Willam huh?'' Santana asked as she rolled the suggestion over in her head. ''Why? Because he and I both puked on stage at one point in our lives?''
''No, I say you're a Willam because you're both pretty hilarious, that is when neither of you are being ridiculously obnoxious and/or offensive. Like you, Willam is rough around the edges but once you get what he's about you realize he's really quick and perceptive and he has a secret soft spot. A larger than life attitude with a larger than life heart.''
Santana was pleased with that. Willam was a pretty iconic rebel within the fandom and if she had to be compared to any contestant, he was definitely the one that was most complimentary to her personality in that he was a wickedly clever queen, much like herself.
''Also yes, there's the fact that you and he both humiliated yourselves by puking on stage in front of your peers,'' Kurt cracked. ''Although I have to say I think Willam was probably more ladylike about it than you.''
''I hate you.''
They went on like that for a couple more weeks and things felt like they were falling back into place between them.
Whenever Santana found herself moping or brooding over everything that went down between her and Brittany she would find herself seeking out Kurt and his companionship. After awhile she stopped feeling like an intruder but rather a guest at the Hummel home.
It wasn't like she turned into some surrogate daughter for Burt and Carol but Santana became a familiar face around the Hummel house, a familiar face they began to take to when they saw how she and Kurt were hitting it off. Carol seemed to enjoy having another woman around, like when Santana spent a good hour in the bathroom mirror with her in order to teach the woman everything she knew about contouring. As for Burt, he was a bit more cautious around her in the beginning. It wasn't that he was cold or impolite, Santana got the sense that he was just really protective of Kurt and wanted to make sure that the people his kid was spending time with treated him well. Burt did eventual warm to her a bit, Santana got the sense that having Kurt back at Mckinley with someone like her in his corner put Burt at ease.
And so, it just happened over a period of time, Santana became a trusted staple at the Hummel home.
Well, semi trusted, because while Carol and Burt had gotten used to having Santana hanging around the house they weren't entirely certain they felt comfortable when Kurt and Santana approached them about taking a trip together, just the two of them, to go to a Sound of Music sing-a-long event in a neighboring town a few hours away. Santana had 'found out' about the event and not so subtly suggested to Kurt that they attend together. It took some convincing but with Kurt promising to be extra careful on the roads and Santana insisting they would be on their very best behavior Kurt's folks gave them the go ahead.
Of course Burt and Carol really couldn't have known any better. Kurt on the other hand should have been way wiser because a few days later, about an hour into their drive Santana made a sudden turn on the road, setting them off on a different path.
''Uh, what are you doing? This isn't our exit,'' Kurt said when he realized Santana was no longer following the GPS.
Santana turned to him and gave him a ridiculously evil looking smile. ''Yeaaaaahhh,'' she said, drawing out the word for effect. ''About that Sound of Music sing-a-long? Not gonna happen.''
''What do you mean not gonna happen?'' he squeaked.
''Listen Linda, did you really think I would agree to go to something as lame as a sing along? Who do you think I am? Berry? Pah.''
''Wait. You're the one who told me about it though! In fact you're the one who bought our tickets.'' He reached into the breast pocket of his jacket and pulled out an envelope which he then waved at the side of her face. ''See!''
''You should read the fine print on those,'' she suggested, not removing her eyes from the road.
Kurt squinted in confusion and then tore into the envelope, pulling the tickets out fully in order to read them more carefully. ''The Sound of Music Sing-A-Long. Section G, Row 13, Seat 3. 8pm. At Eat My Ass Theatre.''
Santana chuckled at her own brilliance. ''Eat My Ass Theatre. Classic.''
''I don't understand,'' he said, and even went so far as to check the second ticket to make sure they both said the same thing.
''Newsflash Hummel, there is no Sound of Music sing-a-long going on this weekend. I made it all up to get your parents to agree to this little trip of ours. We're not going to a musical, we're going to a club.''
''What?''
''A club!''
''Why?''
Santana exhaled with exaggeration. He really was going to make her spell this thing out for him. She had envisioned a much more grateful reaction. ''Because tonight me and you are going to see Pandora Boxx live.''
''How-why-what?!'' he shouted and playfully slapped her in the shoulder with the fake tickets. ''So all of this was planned? You made the whole thing up? Just so we could sneak into a club for a drag show?'' He looked back down at the tickets. ''But these look so real from a distance. There's even a barcode and a little reflecty thingy on it.''
She lifted a shoulder, taking a bit of pride in her handy work. ''I made a trip to Kinkos, no big deal.''
''This is really convincing cardstock too.''
''I'm still waiting for a 'thank you Santana'.''
''Why didn't you tell me though? I get making something up to tell our parents, but why did you lie to me? I could've been in on this ruse from the beginning.''
''One, don't ever use the word ruse in my presence again, and two, yeah fucking right,'' she laugh-scoffed. ''Look there was no way you wouldn't have blown it for us somehow. You have no chill whatsoever. It was just easier to let you believe the lie until we got out on the road and far enough away that you couldn't blow our cover.''
Santana reached over, took the fake tickets from him, threw them on the floor of the car and told him to check the glove compartment. From there Kurt pulled out another envelope. This one of course containing a real pair of tickets, as well as two fake IDs, one for him and one for her.
''I can't believe you did this for us,'' he said in amazement when he finally let reality sink in.
Santana forced herself not to smile. She didn't want to turn this into a big weepy touching moment. ''Whatever, I didn't do this for us, I did it because I wanted a night out and I saw that a Ru girl was doing a show nearby.''
''It does sound like fun and I do love Pandora Box but, Santana, are you sure? I mean what if we get caught? What if someone figures out we're underage? What then?'' Kurt did look excited at the prospect of going to his first ever club and seeing his first ever drag show but he couldn't help but begin to fret at all the ways which this could go wrong.
''Relax,'' Santana said smoothly, trying to settle him down. ''We'll be fine. Nothing is going to happen, okay? Don't you want to see a Ru girl perform live?''
''Of course I do. I mean it would be a dream come true.''
''Then stop worrying and start enjoying yourself. Look, we're just going to watch a show and maybe do a little dancing, that's all. There's nothing to overthink or be nervous about, okay?''
Kurt let his shoulders drop as he relaxed with her reassurances. ''Okay.''
''Okay?''
''Yeah okay.'' Kurt nodded a little more eagerly.
''Good.''
''...mind if I turn on the radio?''
She shrugged in nonchalance and so he leaned forward and started pressing buttons on the console until a familiar beat began that made them both start bobbing their heads. After a few verses they began to sing along, quietly at first and then as they neared the climax, at the top of their lungs.
''And if I fly or if I fall at least I can say I gave it all!'' Santana belted her heart out.
''And if I fly or if I fall I'm on my way, I'm on my way!'' Kurt came in.
''Fly, fly, fly, fly, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!''
''Fly, fly, fly, fly, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!''
And then together they sing-shouted ''now sissy that walk!''
They were still bouncing their heads and jamming by the end of the Rupaul classic which was often featured on Drag Race episodes.
''Play this song at my funeral,'' Santana declared in all seriousness. ''You know what? At my funeral I want a catwalk/runway and I expect all of the bitches attending to strut to this song in my honor.''
''It is the gayest of all bops,'' he said with deep and profound appreciation.
X
After another hour on the road they arrived at their destination and just like Santana predicted it all went flawlessly. They got in without a hitch and found themselves walking into the building.
While it was a lively place the venue was a little cramped, yet that didn't seem to matter to the dozens upon dozens of patrons mingling about. While there was a small dance floor it didn't appear to be in use as everyone in the club were either congregating at the bar area, goofing around near the pool tables or sitting about in the corner of the club where tables and chairs were set up to face the main stage area.
Santana tugged on Kurt's shirt and nodded for him to follow her. They nudged their way forward until they found a table somewhere in the middle, from there they settled into their seats. It was then that they were approached by their server for the evening. She greeted Kurt with a simple polite smile and then turned to Santana who received a more thorough and appreciative once over.
Putting everything with Brittany aside, Santana herself wasn't blind. Their waitress was a cute blond college aged girl who was definitely giving her a seriously flirty stare that made Santana's mouth go a little dry. Thankfully she was spared from having to say anything because the waitress simply placed two drink menus in front of them, gently reminding them of the two drink minimum for the show and informed them that she'd be back in a few minutes after they had some time to look over their drink selection.
And with that the waitress toddled off. Santana watched her go as Kurt watched Santana.
''So is that your thing?'' he asked with a perfectly raised eyebrow.
Santana turned back to the table. ''What?''
''Your thing. Blondes.''
She wrinkled up her nose in thought. She had never really considered it. She never really put much thought into having a certain type beyond Brittany.
Recently, she had been too preoccupied drowning in her sorrow to even wonder about something like that but when she really thought about it, there was a small part of her that felt just a little bit of satisfaction with the knowledge that she could turn heads in a place like this. She'd always been aware that she could get attention from boys with a flick of her fingers but for obvious reasons it had never really mattered to her, it had never really meant anything. Their stares had never made her pause or shutter or excited, they mostly made her feel empty.
But this felt different, it felt nice and perhaps even a tiny bit thrilling to be able to turn a cute girl's head. But regardless of that, she told herself that wasn't why they were there.
''I don't know. Maybe. What's it to you? Get out of my bidness.'' She wasn't interested in this line of questioning and briskly changed the topic. ''Even if they were my thing, I'm not interested.''
''Right.''
''Anyway, what kind of drink are you getting?''
Kurt noted her unease and let the matter drop. ''I think I'm going to play it safe. I'll probably just have a couple of waters.''
''What, water?''
''Yes water, I'm not trying to go crazy tonight, Santana.''
''Who said anything about going crazy? One drink isn't going to hurt you.''
''I know that, I'm just not interested.'' He pointedly repeated her words.
''You have drank before though right? Like I know you were at Rachel's party so, you've totally had to have at least a wine cooler.''
''Not quite. I was still trying to impress Blaine and I was afraid I would get sloppy drunk like you if I had a drink.''
''I am not a sloppy drunk.''
''You spent half the night doing body shots off of Brittany and the other half of the night crying, at one point I saw you crying while performing a body shot on her.''
''Whatever. That was not my best night, I'll admit, but this is different. Look I'm not saying you should get drunk here and obviously I'm not going to force anything down your throat, but tonight is special, tonight is about fun. You owe yourself some fun, we both do. Look at us,'' she insisted and made a small wave to the table between them and their general surroundings. They were in a gay club that was real and alive with laughter and energy and light, so far away from all of those small people with small minds in Lima. ''While the rest of the mouth breathers in Lima are at home scratching themselves and sitting around in their boring little rooms, frustrated with their boring little lives me and you are here. Here. Me and you are living. Me and you are doing something with ourselves. We're letting ourselves out and I don't know about you, Kurt….'' she smiled slightly and shook her head about. ''But I'm celebrating that. I'm celebrating that with a drink. To us.''
Kurt dipped his head, appreciating her words and seeing the significance in them. They were both stepping out of their shells and it did feel like something worth commemorating in some way or fashion.
''Alright, one drink,'' he said firmly but with a grin.
That pleased Santana. ''One drink.''
After a few minutes of looking over their menus Kurt waved their waitress over. Without much thought Santana ordered a fairly simple cocktail but Kurt, Kurt had to be his peculiar finicky self and asked a million and one questions about which drinks had what in them and so on and such.
He talked it over for awhile with their waitress who was actually very knowledgeable about the establishment's drink menu. She seemed perfectly happy to stand there and have Kurt pick her brain while she occasionally glanced over and smiled bashfully at Santana. Every time Santana caught her eye she coughed and looked away, flattered but mostly nervous. The waitress wasn't doing anything strange or even overt and yet Santana felt her underboobs start to sweat.
''Hmmmm,'' Kurt hummed as he quietly contemplated his choices. ''I'm leaning towards the Blue Hawaiian but I have to admit I'm a little bit intrigued by this one.'' He tapped down onto the menu, indicating a picture of a pretty pink drink. ''What's a Pink Squirrel?''
''So Pink Squirrels are kind of an acquired taste,'' the waitress explained with a laugh. ''I'm going to be real with you, they were really popular in like the 70's and 80's but over time they sort of became known as a 'mom drink'. They weren't very cool for awhile but now a lot of bars and clubs are really trying to be trendy by introducing retro fun drinks onto their menus. It's like, a thing now. A Pink Squirrel is really creamy, nutty and just a tiny bit chocolatey.''
''And really, really pink,'' Kurt noted.
''They are super pink and really pretty to look at, yes,'' the waitress agreed. ''The bartender is my friend and for him, it's an art form right down to the presentation and everything.''
''You know what? You've sold me. I'm suddenly feeling adventurous so put me down for one Pink Squirrel,'' Kurt said with a single, chippy clap of his hands. ''Thank you.''
The waitress wrote their order down on her pad and said she'd return shortly with their drinks. Santana and Kurt then sat there in silence for awhile as they observed all around them.
There were couples and groups of friends all around, smiling, laughing, munching on appetizers while they waited for the show to begin. A certain ease came over both of them. This wasn't a dark gross skeezy club, it was a safe, welcoming place where people like her, people like him could gather and relax and simply enjoy themselves.
In a place like this, there was no need to look over their shoulders or watch what they said or hide any part of who they were.
''I believe this excursion of ours calls for a selfie,'' Kurt announced and moved his chair over closer to hers.
''Please god no,'' Santana groaned monotonously. ''Are you purposely trying to be lame?''
''We can't take one picture together?''
''And have physical evidence of us spending time together outside of glee? No thank you.''
He smiled at her snark. At this point he could see right through it. ''It's not like I'd be able to post it anywhere since no one is supposed to know we're here. It'd just be for us.''
Santana stared off for a moment as if contemplating. ''My hair is on point tonight,'' she said, because that in her eyes was definitely worth documenting.
''As are my eyebrows.''
''Very true.''
She gave in and for the next several minutes they light heartedly bickered over whose phone to use and what angles to take said picture in because even though this was just for them they were both adamant that each of their good sides was featured prominently. There was lots of familiar and friendly joshing around until it was decided and Santana held her phone up slightly as she leaned in towards Kurt to take a snap of them, angling it just so, so that they got the stage and a glimpse of the venue in the background.
''That's a good shot,'' Kurt noted as he looked at her screen.
Santana stared down at it as well.
And though she would never admit it, as she studied her own face she knew the smile in the picture wasn't false or forced. She was happy to be here with Kurt. Her friend.
''You look like a Keebler elf.''
''Yeah well you look like a bitch.''
''I try.''
Together they laughed and snickered over the photo until something popped up on Santana's phone that caused her to pause and go silent, all mirth disappearing from her face in an instant. Kurt moved to see what had rendered her that way, and that's when he saw what it was. While they had been looking at the photo of themselves Brittany's name had apparently blinked onto the screen. It seemed Santana's other half, or ex-other half was trying to call her.
With a gulp Santana placed her phone face down, ignoring the call.
''You can take that,'' he gently suggested. ''We still have a bit of time before the show starts.''
She shook her head. ''No, no,'' she tried to pffft casually. ''I'm here, we're here, no distractions. Besides it's…''
''It's what?'' Kurt looked genuinely concerned and ready to listen but Santana was far from ready to share.
''It's nothing,'' she said.
It was of course anything but nothing between her and Brittany. Santana didn't have time to dwell on it and Kurt didn't have time to question it because their waitress reappeared and placed their drinks down in front of them. She asked them if she could get anything else for them and when they answered no she reminded them that she was just a hand wave away, and then she left them, giving Santana a quietly smitten little smile as she went.
Santana didn't react to it at all. Still slightly reeling from seeing Brittany's name on her cell phone her only thought and urge was to numb the ache inside of her. This wasn't what she wanted at the start of the night. She wanted to go out, to have fun, to relax, to forget about and get away from all the hurt and longing for just one evening, but now she couldn't. Not with Brittany's name blinking inside of her head just as it had blinked onto her phone.
And since she had a drink in front of her already she decided the best way to dull the ache was to drown her sorrows.
''Whoaaaaa.'' Kurt's eyes went wide as she downed her drink a couple of long messy gulps and then from across the building motioned to their waitress, silently signalling for another. ''Why don't we uh, take it slow huh? The show hasn't even started.''
Santana licked her lips. Her eyes were already strange and watery looking. ''Mind if I try your Pink Squirrel?''
Kurt opened his mouth to answer but she took it upon herself to slide his bright pink drink over to her for a really long sip which almost left her gagging.
''Oh my gross,'' she yacked and pushed the drink back towards him. ''This is disgusting.''
Kurt leaned forward and took a sip and let it his taste buds soak it up. ''Really? I think it's yummy.''
''It tastes like unicorn ass if you ask me.''
''That's bizarrely graphic.''
Their chit chat was cut short when the host for the evening walked on stage and began to speak into the mic, doing a little bit of schtick before getting down to business and introducing the headliner for the evening, Pandora Boxx, from Season 2 of Drag Race.
Pandora sashayed onto the stage to wild applause and situated herself behind the mic and greeting the audience.
''...So there's gay guys here I assume right? Obviously,'' she asked from center stage as the spotlight rested on her.
Men in the audience wooted and clapped, including Kurt.
''How about lesbians?''
The women in the audience shouted and clapped, representing.
''I love lesbians,'' laughed Pandora. ''Now, are there any straight people here?''
A half dozen or so people sitting near the front of the stage made noise at that.
Pandora singled out that section of the crowd, observing them easily due to their proximity to her. ''Aw, everyone at your table is so pretty. So you're straight? You're all straight ladies?''
The table up front nodded and smiled in confirmation.
''Go to your own fuckin' events,'' Pandora cracked wickedly which made everyone laugh, even the straight women she was ribbing who took the remark in jest. It was a comedy show after all. ''I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Alright then, so we have our gay boys, our lesbians and our token straights, now I have to ask the most important question of all, where my sluts at?''
The entire building whooped and hollered, creating a jubilant roar that went on for awhile until Pandora piped up again and continued on with her set. As she went on it became clear that her show was one part stand up comedy and one part lip sync performance, when Pandora didn't have people laughing she had them screaming their praise during her songs. She was an entertainer who knew how to command the stage and while Pandora gave Santana a few chuckles it was Kurt who was totally and completely starstruck from beginning to end. He clapped and shouted at every joke, whooping it up right along with the rest of the audience. He loved comedy, he loved Pandora and he was utterly delighted to be witnessing her live. He was enjoying himself, enjoying himself so much that Santana figured she could sneakily order a few more drinks without him noticing, or rather, without her having to subject herself to some pitiful look or lecture from him. He was too busy watching Pandora on stage to notice the glasses accumulating at their table.
Santana was searching for something with each sip, some kind of answer, some kind of distraction, but nothing, no resolution ever came. All it gave her was a really good and thorough buzz which she was able to hide for the most part until Kurt found her outside in the parking lot after the show had ended. He had offered to pick up their tab and she had wandered out.
''Just so you know being destructive isn't brave,'' Kurt said as he came to stand with her on the front curb. ''It isn't cute either.''
She looked up at the night sky, vast and empty and dark. ''I don't know what you're talking about.''
Between two fingertips Kurt held up the receipt for their bar tab. He hadn't realized just how much she had consumed when he had offered to take care of their bill. He had only had his Pink Squirrel and a water while Santana had apparently knocked back a couple of cocktails before moving onto some long island ice teas.
''I'll pay you back,'' she said.
He stuffed the slip of paper into his pocket and shook his head. ''I don't care about the money, Santana, I care about...'' he paused when the words got caught in his throat.
She laughed inwardly and continued to stare up, not wanting him to see her watery eyes. Why did she have to be such a sloppy drunk? ''Whatever, let's just get home.''
Kurt was quick to confiscate the keys from her. He insisted that she lay in the backseat and try to rest as he slid in behind the wheel and started them off back onto the road towards Lima. It was a strange and silent drive back but they made it. When they pulled up to her place some time later Kurt insisted that he see her inside. With one of her arms around his neck he helped her walk into the front door. It was dark and silent in her house.
''Where are your parents?''
Santana just shrugged and burped in response. ''Business trip.''
She started crawling up the stairs, stumbling around as she went and Kurt moved to walk behind her, reaching out to steady her each time it looked like she might take a spill down. When they reached her bedroom on the upper level he followed her in and watched as she collapsed onto her bed. ''Do you think you'll be okay alone?''
''I'll be fine,'' she slurred. ''It's okay...I'm okay...alone is what I do best.''
Kurt didn't look convinced but he said a quiet goodnight to her anyway and made his exit. She heard him begin to walk down the hall and start for the stairs only to hear him circle back to just outside of her closed door where she overheard him make a phone call.
''Hey dad, it's me,'' Kurt chirped, and then waited for his father on the other end to reply. ''...Yeah The Sound of Music sing along was amazing. I was just calling to give you a heads up that we're back in Lima already. Uh huh. Oh we made great time. Yeah. So I was thinking it was a long drive and Santana and I are both just so beat and I wanted to ask if it would be okay if I just stayed the night at hers? It is Friday and it is late and To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Nemar just came on TV and Santana said she's never seen it and I feel it's my duty to introduce her to it sooooo, can I? Please, please, please?'' Kurt finished off his request with a mirthful squeak.
Santana listened to Kurt's side of the conversation and was genuinely surprised at his acting skills. He could've easily ratted her out or spilled the beans but he didn't. He wasn't giving away her secrets. It could've been so easy for Kurt to tell his dad that she was alone and drunk off her ass and needed someone to help her. Surely Burt would've been disappointed but he was a good man who would insist that Kurt stay and do right by his friend. Kurt didn't have to pretend they were going to have some random impromptu sleepover after a long drive.
''Yes! Thank you,'' Kurt said to his father when Burt agreed that sleeping over would be fine. ''Okay...will do...goodnight. Love you too.''
And just like that, Kurt nudged her door open with his toe and came prancing back in.
''What do you think you're doing?'' she asked.
''I'm spending the night,'' he announced. He wasn't asking or fishing for an invitation, he was stating it to her.
''I don't need you to watch over me, Hummel,'' she insisted. ''I told you I'm fine so don't stay out of pity or obligation to me.''
It was in one ear and out the other with Kurt though as he began to undo the cuffs on his fancy button up shirt. ''I'll be back. I'm going to run down to your kitchen to get some water, and maybe a waste basket just in case you need it. Do you have a medicine cabinet? You'll probably need some aspirin soon.''
Santana tried to stare him down but there was no detering Kurt who stood unimpressed and completely unmoved by the sneer she was trying to force onto her face.
''Down the hall on the right,'' she said after a few moments of silence between them.
Kurt left her to go retrieve a few items that he thought she might need later. He came back, placed them all on her side table and then as she laid sideways on her bed, he took a seat on her floor at the foot of the mattress. It was there that he commandeered her remote control. To Wong Foo wasn't actually on TV like he had told his father but because he was doing Santana a solid Kurt thought she owed him one. Besides, he told himself it was classic gay cinema that she needed in her library anyway. He bought the movie on her account and hit play to watch.
And that was that. He occasionally paid attention to her reflection on the screen until they both drifted off to sleep. Santana, safe in bed, Kurt, nodding off on the floor, not leaving her side. All the while the movie played and ended in the background.
''Vita! I don't think of you as a man and I don't think of you as a woman...I think of you as an angel.''
''I think that's healthy!''
X
The next morning Santana staggered out of bed and down the stairs to find Kurt in her kitchen making breakfast.
''Good morning,'' Kurt greeted her, a spatula in hand.
Santana grunted like a cave woman. ''Mmmrhhpphh.''
Kurt smiled and shook his head. ''Have a seat. Breakfast is ready. I used google to figure out what the best foods are for hangovers.''
''Why are you still here?'' she groaned as she fell into a chair and then went to rub her face with her hands over and over again. ''Also are you wearing one of my blouses?''
Kurt looked down at the small button up he had pulled from her wardrobe and wrapped around himself. ''Well I wasn't about to get food splatter on one of my own shirts. Besides this is last season, you shouldn't be wearing it in public anyway. Would you like some juice?''
Santana nodded and Kurt went about serving them, filling two plates with food and then placing them down on the table before her. He took a seat across from her and while he dug in, she struggled with the effort to make any kind of movement, let alone feed herself.
''So. Last night was interesting,'' he spoke after dabbing the sides of his mouth with a cloth napkin. Which, Santana didn't even know they had cloth napkins. She assumed Kurt was the kind of person who maybe carried his own around.
''I….I don't even know what to say.''
''I don't either.''
Santana stared down at her eggs. ''I'm sorry if I made a fool out of myself, or you.''
''You didn't make a fool of me...you on the other hand, well…''
''Well what?''
Kurt pulled his cell from his pocket, poked at the screen and then slid it towards her with a nod. ''Last night when I was here I made a trip to the bathroom and I guess you were still a little out of it and…''
''And what?''
Kurt grimaced. ''And you might have attempted to drunk dial Brittany while I was out of the room.''
''I what?!''
Santana clawed for the phone and saw Kurt had pulled up a sound file for her. She pressed play and listened to herself go on a strange, slow meandering speech.
''Heeeeyyyy Britt Britt,'' drunk Santana slurred. ''I hope - hic! - I hope you're having the time of your life having adventures with wheels but just fors your informations I'm having the time of my life without yous. Yeah. Cause you know what I did tonight? I went out and I had fun and I saw a drag queen and I tasted a squirrel so you don't have to worry about me anymore okay? I'm perfectly happy without you. There was even - hic! - there was even a super cute waitress who totally wanted all ups on mes...yeah...yeah...and you know what else? I prolly could've had her if I wanted to. She was giving me the eyes and the hair and doing some flirty little lip bite. She wanted me and I could've you know... I so could've. But I didn't. I didn't. I didn't cause, cause of you. Cause I still love you. I love you and I miss you and you could've been there. You should've been there. We could've tasted squirrels together...we could've tasted squirrels together, Brittany!''
At the kitchen table Santana and Kurt listened then as drunk!Santana made pathetic sobby sounds into the mic before eventually hanging up.
''Aw jesus…gross,'' Santana sighed in humiliation.
''Don't worry,'' Kurt said, pulling his phone back to his side of the table and turning it upside down. ''You didn't actually manage to call Brittany.''
''I didn't?''
''I'm assuming you tried to but what with you still being a little buzzed you accidentally hit Blaine's name instead of Brittany's. He got this call at like 2am. He was confused so he called me and sent me the message. I didn't tell him everything but I think he got the picture. You don't have to worry. He won't say anything or do anything.''
''I was really a mess last night.''
''You were,'' he agreed.
''Listen, Kurt,'' she said, softening before him. ''I know I can be a dick some of the time, actually, a lot of the time,'' she corrected herself. ''And I'm sorry if I was ever an asshole to you last night.''
''You have been one in the past but I don't need your apology, Santana. I don't know where any of that came from, and maybe it's not for me to know, all I know is that when everything went down with Karofsky you were the only person at that school who did anything to try to bring me back. Even if there were other motives behind your actions, you helped bring me back. That, to me, says more about your character than any asshole thing you've ever said or done...and you've said and done a lot of asshole things. I wouldn't be spending all this time with you and sharing Drag Race with you if I didn't think you cared.''
''You're probably the only person who thinks that.''
''Who thinks what?'' he asked.
''That there's a part of me inside that's capable of caring, about anything or anyone. I'm pretty sure everyone else has given up on me.''
''That's not true. I can think of one other person who hasn't given up on you.''
''That...she...Brittany doesn't want me anymore, Kurt.''
Kurt went silent for several minutes as he started to dig back into his food. Chewing through several mouthfuls until he finally swallowed and began to speak again. ''Me and you, this,'' he made a small hand motion between them. ''We've had some fun times and some good laughs together and there's no one I'd rather be sharing Drag Race with but from the very beginning I knew what this was for you, Santana.''
''What?''
''Other people don't see it, or maybe they don't want to see it, but I do. I know how hard it's been on you...not having Brittany I mean. Every time you get lonely or sad it's my doorstep that you end up on and we have a great bitchy time together and I hope that doesn't end any time soon but, you can't tell me you haven't been using me as a placeholder this whole time. That's what I've been to you, that's what Drag Race has been to you, a distraction. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. It's good that you've been filling up your time with other people and things. But maybe it's time you deal with this thing between you and Brittany.''
''There's nothing between me and Brittany,'' she said firmly. ''Don't you get it? I lost it all. Everything, Kurt. I lost my captain title, I lost my popularity, I lost my power, I lost Brittany. I mean why would she want me now when I have nothing, nothing to give, nothing to offer.''
''Did you know that sophomore year I used to sit with Brittany in math. I learned a few things about her that way.''
''Like?''
''Like she thinks the square root of four is rainbows,'' Kurt chuckled. ''And that she likes to draw all over her notebooks. It's mostly little Garfield like cartoons of Lord Tubbington but she also had this habit of scribbling Brittany Lopez all over the inside of her binder.''
''...she did that?''
''There were glitter pens involved.''
Santana smiled. Brittany did love a good glitter pen.
''Yeah well this isn't sophomore year anymore is it,'' Santana tried to reason. ''Look whatever Brittany and I were doing...whatever that was, whatever we had, it's over. She's dating Artie now.''
''Yeah well she may be dating Artie right now but just so you know I still sit next to her in math and she still scribbles Brittany Lopez over all of her stuff. She's not over you.''
X
Okay, so in terms of personality, Kurt is so a Jinkx, you should go Youtube Jinkx's Drag Race scenes and talking head segments, because it's so Kurt's personality and humor.
As for Willam, who I think has almost the same kind of bitch magic that Santana possesses, I'll just say go Youtube 'Willam Belli quotes collection' or if you really want to see how he, like Santana, is a problematic fav, go watch the Beatdown, which is Willam's web show on Youtube. Just as a warning though his humor is a little nasty, a little edgy, a lot Santana.
On a semi related note, Willam actually has some Glee ties. On his season Amber Riley was one of the judges and I sometimes see her in his Insta comments believe it or not. Years ago there was talk of him making an appearance on Glee as well, but it never panned out (or if it did it was uncredited somewhere but I could never find him). He was in a movie with Kevin McHale and they've shown up in each other's Instagrams too. Willam has also said in an interview that he wasn't ashamed to say some of his favorite workout music was Glee songs. Then two years back he apparently had an unpleasant run in with Becca Tobin at an airport which he spilled about on Twitter. Also, I own Willam's book and he actually mentions Glee at least two or three times in it.
But even beyond Shangela and Willam there's still quite a few more queens with little Glee connections like that which I kind of find fascinating, so it's weird and kind of fun to write this fic knowing of all of them.
Finally, if you're reading this and you're enjoying it even just a little it would mean so, so much to me if you could leave me a review to let me know. I've been having a stressful few weeks at work and I've been dragging, so your encouragement would mean a lot to me. Thank you.