Just want to say thank you so much to everyone reviewing! You have no idea how motivating it is. As always my goal is to entertain, I love writing comedy, it makes my heart all fluttery when people tell me something made them laugh or smile. That's what it's all about. :)
X
So Kurt tossed that little piece of information in her lap and proceeded to shovel even more food onto her plate because he insisted that since he made her a proper hangover breakfast the least she could do was eat it. And so, she did. As she digested the food she also digested the fact that - at least according to Kurt - Brittany still had feelings for her.
Real feelings. Love feelings. Feelings feelings.
''I think I'm going to throw up,'' Santana whimpered with a mouthful of eggs.
''My food isn't that bad.''
''No, I just-''
Santana stumbled out of her seat and staggered over to the tall kitchen trash bin where she unloaded her stomach contents before walking back and taking a seat as if nothing had happened, as if she hadn't just tossed her cookies in front of him.
''Well, there goes my appetite,'' he said, wrinkling up his nose and pushing his plate away from himself.
Santana's head was spinning, and not just because of the hangover. ''What do you mean Brittany's not over me?''
''What do you think I mean?'' Kurt responded. ''You obviously have feelings for Brittany, otherwise you wouldn't have acted out like you did last night, and Brittany obviously has feelings for you otherwise she wouldn't still be doodling Brittany Lopez on the inside of her binder. Do I even need to mention all the sad longing stares she sends your way during glee?''
''She stares at me?''
Kurt fluttered his lashes rapidly as if he were annoyed with her inability to grasp what was right in front of her. ''Of course she stares at you but you're usually too busy sulking off in the corner to notice. How do you not know this?''
Santana shrugged.
''And her constant calls and texts never gave you any indication that she might possibly still hold a flame for you?''
Santana shook her head in the negative.
Flustered with how blind she was to the obvious, he briefly closed his eyes and ran both of his index fingers over his eyebrows as if combing them down and soothing himself. ''Okay,'' he said after a moment. ''So now I'm telling you and now you know which means now you can do something about it.''
''Do something about it? Why?''
''So you can be together of course,'' Kurt answered simply. ''It's like all of those silly paperback romance novels you see on the rack at the grocery store. The dark and dreamy anti hero of the story has to make amends and change their wicked wicked ways before they can live happily ever after with the princess.''
Santana's face was deadpan and emotionless. She was no hero, Brittany wasn't her princess and this was no fairytale and she was in no mood to play make believe. She had long since passed anger and moved on to a sad acceptance.
''Just so you know I already did something about it and guess what? Brittany made a choice and that choice wasn't me. So even if what you're telling me now is true, it doesn't matter because I'm done with putting myself out there, I'm done with feelings and I'm done with all of that because Brittany's done with me.''
''That's what I'm trying to tell you though,'' he stressed. ''She's not done with you.''
''What is this to you, Kurt?'' she asked weakly. She didn't understand why her love life or general happiness meant anything to him. ''Why are you so gung ho about playing cupid here? Why do you care?''
''I care because I care about my friends.''
Even though she had admitted it to herself, it was an entirely different matter to admit it to his face. ''Since when are we friends,'' she said under her breath.
Kurt calmly stood up, emptied off his uneaten food into the bin and placed his plate into the sink. There was no exasperation though, because as frustrating as she was being he was clearly able to see right through all of her protests. ''You didn't have to invite me along last night, you didn't have to do any of that, you didn't have to buy my ticket or get me a fake ID or drag me along but you did. You took me to my first gay bar, to my first drag show, you helped me have fun and relax. You helped me step out of the ordinary for what feels like the first time in my life, Santana. Being in that club, being with those people, laughing with those people...our people...it made me feel not alone...you made me feel not alone. That's what friends do. They remind each other that they're not alone. I know I've done that for you and last night you did it for me.''
Santana didn't really have an argument against that.
''You may not be able to say it but we are friends,'' he continued. ''And as for your friend I'm telling you trying to self destruct isn't the answer.''
''Yeah well, what I do and how I handle myself is none of your business.''
''Uh it is when I'm the one driving you home and taking care of you. And you know what, I didn't even mind doing any of that,'' he said, laughing airly. ''I'd do it all over again if I had to. Friends remind each other that they're not alone but friends also tell each other the truth. The truth is drinking yourself silly isn't going to fix your problem or make anything better. Me and Drag Race...I know we mean something to you but we can only do so much. We can only fill up so much room in your heart, and that's because the rest of your heart is reserved for her. Brittany.''
Kurt sighed and started for the kitchen door, taking off her breakfast splattered blouse to reveal he still had his dress shirt on underneath. He didn't quite give her a smile but rather a look of compassion. He wasn't hurt, he wasn't angry, he - if anything - looked understanding.
''I'm going to tell you the same thing RuPaul tells the queens when they need to get their ass in gear and show the world what they're made of: step your pussy up Santana.''
''Step my what up?!''
''You heard me,'' he said.
And with that he left her sitting alone at her kitchen table.
She couldn't believe it. Kurt of all people telling her she needed to step her pussy up.
Screw that, she thought as she pressed her face down onto the cool surface of the table and rested it there, letting her melancholy overcome her until she felt warm tears streaming down her cheeks.
This was the last thing she wanted to feel. Hope.
She had already given up, she had already resigned herself to the fact that she and Brittany had missed their moment. Brittany's rejection, however gentle it had been, had shattered Santana into a million pieces, scattering her everywhere. It was silly she knew but finding Drag Race and having Kurt around had in their own ways helped her begin to reassemble all of those pieces back together.
Drag Race made her laugh again, it allowed her to see parts of herself within the queens who not only survived but thrived, and Kurt, having him in the picture over the last several weeks had given her a kind of companionship she'd never had before. For the longest time it had felt like it was her against the world, but with him at her side on that basement couch, screaming and singing along to their favorite show, it started to feel like it was the two of them against the world.
And maybe she still had a long ways to go before she was truly okay and complete, but there was no way she was going to take his advice and risk all of that work, all of that progress just because Kurt thought Brittany still had feelings for her. There was no way she was going to lay her heart on the line again only to have it bitch slapped into oblivion. She knew what Kurt was trying to do, in his own hella annoying way he thought he was trying to help. He saw romance in black and white, but what he didn't understand is that she and Brittany had begun to exist in the gray of things. What had happened between them wasn't simple or small, it was painful and profound and she wasn't interested in inflecting that on herself by even allowing herself to entertain the idea that Brittany still carried a torch for her.
Kurt was right about one thing however.
She did need to step her pussy up, Santana thought as she gathered herself up and trudged her way to her bathroom where she wrestled herself out of her clothes from the previous night and stepped under the hot spray of water, trying to rinse all of her hurt and confusion away.
As the water poured down her face and body she realized she needed to level up. Not by talking to Brittany, not by hooking up with rando waitresses, not by get getting drunk, but by realizing that if she was ever going to move forward, she had to let go. She had to let go of all of it, the shame and the fear and the pain, not for Brittany and not for Kurt but for herself. She had to do this, to know herself, accept herself and embrace herself for herself. Not for a friendship or a relationship, it had to be for her. And maybe that was selfish, and maybe that was proud, but maybe just maybe that's what one had to do to get to the other side of it.
Later on when she stepped out of the stall and wrapped a towel around herself she moved to stand in front of the large bathroom mirror. Staring at her own reflection Santana exhaled and in that moment, she recalled the words Ru used to sign off at the end of each and every episode.
She kind of always thought those words were cheesy as hell, like something someone would say in glee club, but looking at herself, at her swollen eyes, her red nose, her slightly gaunt features she realized the truth and wisdom in RuPaul's words.
'If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else.'
She needed to take care of herself, she needed to love herself, for herself.
X
For the next several days Kurt watched Santana from afar, waiting to see some kind of progress. He had hoped his firm but encouraging words to her would push her to confront her feelings and talk things out with Brittany, but alas, Santana was still being a total oblivious bitch he concluded.
Sure, it actually started to look like she was trying. Santana had a new and weirdly calm composure about her after that conversation at the breakfast table, but she was still steering clear of Brittany.
That's when he started to think he was maybe going about this all wrong. Urging Santana to make the first romantic gesture was fruitless because of course it would be. She was Santana who he had learned was so very sensitive underneath her perfect sneer. He thought perhaps he could facilitate this reconciliation by tackling it from the Brittany angle. And, as luck would have it Mr. Schue was having them do another duets project in glee. Kurt immediately asked Brittany to be his partner for the week. She had accepted and he had eagerly suggested she pop over to his house that evening to brainstorm song ideas.
Downstairs in his basement bedroom they poured over both of their music collections, tossing out suggestions and talking them out yet never settling on anything specific. Kurt hadn't thought it would be this difficult to agree upon a song but it was actually pretty hard to pin one down that felt uniquely Brittany and uniquely him at the same time. After awhile they decided to take a break and enjoy some snacks he had prepared for her visit.
''Thank you,'' she said as she dipped a speared strawberry into his mini chocolate fountain which was flowing on his coffee table.
''My pleasure,'' he sang, delighted. ''I love entertaining and I knew you were the kind of girl who could appreciate a good chocolate fountain.''
''Oh the fountain is totally awesome but I meant thank you for asking me to be your partner this week.''
''To be honest I'm actually surprised you were still available. I figured you and Artie would've partnered up.''
Brittany bit into her fruit and spoke between very careful chews. ''No. He and I are kind of on a break right now.''
Kurt raised an eyebrow, intrigued. ''A break?''
''Well, a break up. For like the last three weeks.''
Kurt wrinkled his nose up in sympathy. Or, well, a sort of sympathy. He didn't want anyone to get hurt but this news was going to make Operation: Bring Brittana Back Together a little less complicated. ''I'm sorry. I had no idea.''
Brittany lifted a shoulder and went back in for more chocolate. She didn't seem to distraught over the fact as she continued to explain. ''It was pretty mutual.''
''Why didn't you tell anybody?''
''We didn't think we needed to announce it, we just thought everyone would figure it out eventually. I half think nobody has noticed because no one really cares, so.''
''So does this mean you're out of Brainiacs?''
''Why would you think that?''
Kurt shrugged. In truth he had just sort of assumed her joining the club and taking her classes more seriously had something to do with Artie. She had never seemed to care about her grades much before and so it was the only thing that made sense to him.
Brittany chuckled inwardly. ''I didn't get into Brainiacs for Artie.''
''You didn't?''
''I joined it for myself. Mostly.''
''Mostly?''
''Can I tell you a secret?''
''Absolutely.''
''It's like a super top secret though.''
Kurt made a motion with his hands as if he were zipping his mouth shut.
''A part of me did it for myself,'' Brittany continued. ''Like I wanted to push myself to try harder but another part of me wanted to also do it for Santana.''
''Santana huh?''
Brittany sighed all wistful like as she abandoned her chocolate covered strawberry on a plate and became suddenly transfixed by the fabric of Kurt's white couch, examining it as she spoke. ''I wanted to show her I could be smart. I wanted to show her that I was working on myself too. Like if she saw me doing better in my classes and doing Brainiacs and reporting for the Muckraker...then maybe she wouldn't give up on me, you know? I just didn't want her to give up on me.''
Brittany exhaled, letting out a sad whimper along with it. She looked way more troubled over all the distance between herself and Santana than she was with her breaking up with Artie Kurt noticed.
''Is that why the two of you broke up?'' he asked gently. ''Santana?''
''Yes and no.'' Brittany admitted, her eyes still downcast. ''I think Artie and I were going to break up no matter what. I just needed to let that run its course on its own, for my own reasons. I think I also needed to realize that relationships should be more than just content, you know? They should be passionate and there was just...no passion there.''
''Like there was with Santana?''
This question caused Brittany to look up finally and nod. ''With Santana, it's like that's all there was. Passion. The big sweeping kind that takes your breath away.''
''You should tell her that.''
''What?''
Kurt grinned and waved his hands about in front of her. ''That you're single, that you want her, that you're waiting for her, that she's the only person who ever made you feel passion? I mean, you do want her right?''
''She's Santana. I'm always going to want her. And I've been trying to tell her all of this since like, weeks ago.''
''That's why you've been calling and texting her all the time?''
''Yeah, only she never answers, and every time I've tried to talk to her in person she finds an excuse to run in the other direction. She's not interested in anything I have to say and at this point I don't blame her. I blew it."
''How?'' Kurt asked.
''I made a choice. It wasn't the right choice but it was the one I thought was best at the time. But now I think it's too late.''
''You know in all of these weeks I've gotten to know Santana, Britt, and I don't think she's as over you as you think.''
''Why do you say that?''
Kurt tilted his head in thought and took a moment or two to take a bite out of a strawberry himself. On one hand he did want Brittany to know there was still hope but on the other hand, he knew Santana wouldn't appreciate him relaying how truly pathetic she was without Brittany at her side.
''You just have to trust me,'' he said eventually. ''She still wants you. She's pushing you away because she thinks you don't want her."
That seemed to stump Brittany. "What, why?"
"Because she's not Santana Lopez head cheerleader anymore,'' Kurt explained softly. ''She doesn't have the squad, she doesn't have her popularity, she doesn't exactly have any confidence. She doesn't think you want her now that she's a loser.''
''That's ridiculous."
"Have you met Santana? Ridiculous is her middle name.''
''How could she think that though? Like, I was never with her because she had those things or was those things. It was never about that for me.''
Kurt lifted his hands up and shrugged because he didn't have that answer. Santana was a tough nut to crack.
''You're going to have to be the one to do it, you know.''
''Do what?''
''Make the next move,'' he encouraged. ''She loves you, I know it, she just needs you to say it first.''
Brittany bit her lip before a hopeful looking half smile appeared on her face. ''You think so?''
''I know so. It's just like you told me, she's not like everyone else, she feels everything more. She doesn't want to put herself out there because she's afraid of the risk. She thinks that if she gets hurt again, there'll be no coming back from that. You have to take the risk first in order to show her that with you there is no risk. If you want her to be vulnerable, you have to be vulnerable first.''
''You really think she still wants me?''
Kurt fought himself to not roll his eyes. These girls. Instead though he took a deep breath and moved to pull a book off of a nearby end table, he held it up and out in front of his chest so Brittany could make out the front cover. ''I swear she does, I swear on my copy of Workin' It: RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Style,'' he said wholeheartedly. ''Talk to her.''
Brittany looked a little perplexed at his choice of reading material but went with it anyway, suddenly inhaling with a new life and determination.
X
It was a few days since her hangover had passed and Santana found herself holding things together pretty well.
She had been avoiding Kurt a little bit. Not because they had left things in a bad place or anything but he had for whatever reason decided to partner up with Brittany for the week in glee and so Santana in turn kept her visits to his basement to a minimum. She figured it'd reduce the risk of her accidentally running or bumping into Brittany.
On her end Santana had been saddled with Tina for a partner which she hadn't minded all that much. Considering the rest of her club, Tina was actually sort of okay in Santana's books. They had already collaborated before with Trouty Mouth and had forged a cordial working relationship from that experience. One thing Santana learned and appreciated about the other girl was her musical taste, Tina could jam out to all of your standard pop anthems but she also had a taste for the eclectic too, the left of center. Tina had talked her into doing 'I Am Not A Robot' by Marina & The Diamonds for their song, with Tina on the piano and vocals but with Santana taking a little bit more of the lead. Their arrangement of it actually sounded pretty good if you asked her, although Santana had to admit to herself that the lyrics hit a little too close for home. Painfully so almost. Still, they did a damn good job she thought.
After the performance she and the rest of the glee girls had found themselves congregating in the girls bathroom. They had all been straggling about and giving she and Tina props for their song as they waited for the period to end. Eventually one by one they made their exit, rushing off to their respective classes until it was just Santana there alone primping in the mirror. She had woken up that day and decided to try something different with her eyes and used an interesting technique she had picked up from watching a makeup tutorial with Detox..
''You sounded really pretty today.''
Santana flinched slightly, almost poking her right eye out when she saw Brittany in the mirror. It seemed the others had all scampered away leaving Brittany behind in one of the stalls.
A week ago Santana's response to finding herself alone with Brittany would've been to just make up some dumb excuse and walk away before Brittany could say or do anything, but here and now as Brittany walked over to join her at the row of sinks Santana knew that if she was really going to step her pussy up then she had to stop running away.
''Thank you,'' Santana said to Brittany's reflection.
Brittany washed and dried her hands and then turned, pressing and leaning against the counter in order for her to be face to face with Santana. ''I didn't realize how much I've missed your voice until today,'' she said.
Santana blinked.
''I miss more than your voice, you know,'' Brittany continued, lingering just to linger.
Knowing that those blue eyes were focused on her made her all frustrated and flustered but Santana swallowed and attempted to carry on, fixing her eyes, touching up her lips, adding a layer of powder on with a makeup brush, all while she tried to avoid Brittany's gaze. Keep it together, keep it together, don't break.
''I was thinking, well, hoping that after school today we could get together? Like we could go somewhere and talk?'' Brittany suggested. ''Breadstix? Or the Lima Bean? Whatever you want, on me of course.''
Again Santana remained silent.
''It's just that, I miss you,'' Brittany admitted in a heartfelt little whisper. ''I miss you so, so much and I've had a lot of time to think and figure things out and I feel like if we could just sit down and talk, you'd understand.''
And then it was strange, because right there as Santana looked at herself in the mirror she could've sworn she saw two little pink puffs of air appear near her head to reveal a little angel and a little devil - except it wasn't just two nameless faceless entities that landed on each of her shoulders and began whispering in her ears. No, there in front of her she had a tiny orange Phi Phi O'Hara and a tiny sequined gowned Latrice Royale on her shoulders and while glowing lovely angel!Latrice whispered words about forgiveness and love and patience the tiny devil!Phi Phi just screamed 'bitch go off!' in her ear.
If she were a smarter person she would've taken angel!Latrice's words to heart and risen above her own petty thoughts and tried to hear Brittany out, but because she was Santana Lopez devil!Phi Phi's advice just made a lot more sense to her.
''Understand what?'' Santana snapped. ''That you feel guilty about the choice you made that day in the hallway and now, let me guess, you want us to sit down and have a nice little chat so you can feel better about it?''
''No, I just wanted to tell you that-''
With devil!Phi Phi urging her to rant on Santana interrupted Brittany with a huff. ''That what, you still love me? That this is hurting you? That you still want us to be friends? Well I'm sorry but I can't do that.'' She started throwing all of her products haphazardly into her makeup bag, shoving them in with unnecessary force. ''Because guess what Brittany, I can't just turn my feelings on and off okay, I'm not like you.''
''Is that what you think of me?'' Brittany asked. ''That I just turn my feelings on and off?''
''It's the truth isn't it? One minute you love me, another minute you love someone else, it's easy for you.''
''Easy for me?''
''Meanwhile I'm just your squeaky toy you go to when you get bored...or when your boyfriend can't give you what you need when you need it, right,'' Santana smarted.
Brittany shook, her emotions spilling out at that accusation. ''That's not what you are to me and, you think any of this?'' she motioned between their bodies for emphasis. ''Has been easy for me? I don't turn my feelings on and off and as for anyone feeling like a toy, do you know how many years I've spent feeling like your squeaky toy? God. Do you even know what it's like?''
''What?''
''To be with you, to feel all of you, everywhere, to be underneath you and feel like, like I'm the center of your universe in that moment - only to hear you tell me how 'this doesn't mean anything' or 'you're only here because you need a warm body'. Do you know what that feels like? Do you even know how many times you made me feel like I was your toy? One minute you would want me, the next minute you couldn't wait to get dressed and leave. Don't tell me I turn my feelings on and off when that's you.''
''Oh yeah?'' Santana asked, inching closer to Brittany. ''If that's so, if that's how it was, if that's how I was, why did you even bother to stick around?''
''Because.''
Santana moved closer even still. ''Because what?''
''Because I loved you. Because I wanted you, even if all I got were scraps and moments and pieces. Being in your bed, being the center of your universe for even a minute...I told myself it was better than nothing. And it was. It wasn't just better than nothing, it was better than everything.''
''Then why leave? If being with me was better than everything and everyone?''
Brittany sighed with a shake of her head. She looked a little shaken to have Santana there in her personal space but there was a calmness and firmness about her as she stood her ground. ''I needed to stand on my own two feet for once, Santana. Once upon a time I always let you dictate everything, what we were, what we could be, and we couldn't keep going in circles like that. It wasn't good for you and it wasn't good for me. I needed to make a choice for myself for once.''
Santana nodded. ''Well you made it and now you have to live with it.''
''I have been living with it.''
''And so have I and I know it might not seem like it to you but I'm respecting it.''
''Respecting what?''
''Your choice.''
''By avoiding me?''
Santana's silence was her confirmation. By avoiding Brittany she was, yes, protecting her own heart but on another level she really was in her own way respecting Brittany's choice, honoring it. But now that they were in the same room standing so temptingly close together she couldn't deny herself just a little fix as she reached forward and brought Brittany's body directly up against hers.
Santana then moved a hand up to cradle the side of Brittany's face. Her thumb gently and soothingly running across a pale cheek. They were so near they were practically breathing each other in.
''I'm not hiding from myself anymore,'' Santana said, her nose bumping against Brittany's.
Brittany tried to smile and looked slightly hopeful as she closed the last bit of space between them. For a second it even looked like she might lean in and touch her, kiss her, embrace her. Hold her. Until-
''But I can't keep doing this with you Brittany,'' Santana admitted. That hint of a smile on Brittany's face disappeared, and any hope she had vanished from her expression. ''Not while I'm trying to work on my own junk. I'm sorting out who I am and for the first time in my life, I'm starting to accept it...I'm starting to accept me...I'm starting to like who I am.'' Santana let out a laugh of relief because it was the truth. ''And who I am is like, hella gay, Britt. I'm getting it now in a way I never have before. But I can't work on myself and then pause everything when you want to come around and talk about your feelings, because I have feelings too and they're big and they're complicated and messy.''
''I know.''
''I'm trying to figure things out. That's all I can do, try, but trying is hard with you texting me or calling me all the time when…''
''When what?'' Brittany asked through tears.
''When you're still with someone else.'' Santana said, still crushed over all of it. ''I get that you miss me, cause I miss you. I miss you more than I can even stand...more than you'll ever possibly know. But you missing me and me missing you doesn't change anything.''
It took everything inside of Santana to remain composed and pull herself away from that intense orbit, to remove her body from up against Brittany's.
For weeks and months she had been so starved for her touch and Santana had allowed herself a brief moment to bask in it one last time. But that was it she told herself. That was all she was going to give herself. That's all she could take.
''Why don't you go toddle off and find your boyfriend,'' Santana suggested quietly.
''He's not my boyfriend anymore,'' Brittany said in a rush, desperate to get the words out before Santana had her hand on the door knob.
Santana's heart thumped as she came to a halt, her limbs suddenly frozen.
''We broke up,'' Brittany continued, her voice full of emotion. ''It's over. It's so totally over.''
Santana turned to look back at her. ''When?''
''Weeks ago. Probably even before then if I'm being honest.''
''Why didn't you-''
''Tell you?'' Brittany finished Santana's thought. ''It's sorta hard to tell you anything when you've been refusing to talk to me. Then again...I get why you couldn't now and that's okay. This isn't exactly how I wanted to do it but I need you to know it. I want you to know that I'm here now. For you.''
Santana felt like crying, she felt like dancing, she felt like fainting, she felt like shouting a 'hallelu!' up into the air ala Shangela. Santana felt a million different things at once.
It was over. Not just over but 'so totally over'. Over over.
Santana bit the inside of her lip as mini angel!Latrice and devil!Phi Phi reappeared on her shoulders again. Angel!Latrice hollered at her ''Mama, don't you remember the 5 G's? Good god get a grip girl! Ain't this what you been waiting for?! Go to your honey and kiss her!'' meanwhile devil!Phi Phi just shouted "at least I am a showgirl, bitch!" for some completely unknown and totally useless reason.
Santana blinked unevenly, like some small confused injured squirrel, one eyelid closing a millisecond before the other. She wiggled her head slightly, her personal angel and devil disappeared with a couple of poofs of air as she came back to reality.
And it was a reality Santana didn't know how to respond to.
Now Santana may have been on a mission to step her pussy up but the truth was, she had yet to step her heart up. As relieved as she felt now, now that she knew there was no one else holding Brittany's hand, she was even more terrified than ever before. Because now there was real possibility and with real possibility came the real risk. And risk, that was something she had never been good at, especially when it came to matters of the heart.
''I can't,'' she said, lamely trying to hide her sniffles. ''I just can't, Brittany.''
She felt something inside of her breaking as she said the words. The second they were out of her mouth she scrambled and made her exit through the door. She knew if she took one look at Brittany's face and saw the hurt and devastation there was no way she wouldn't crumble and fall into her arms.
Santana just couldn't go there again. Couldn't make that choice, couldn't take that risk. As much as she wanted to be she realized in that moment as she felt her own tears come hard and fast, maybe she wasn't as brave and fearless as all of her favorite queens.
She wasn't there yet.
X
A couple of days later it was Drag Race night once again and even with everything weighing on her Santana still found herself making her way over to Kurt's.
Mostly because she didn't want to be alone, but also because she knew he would have food. Fuck Chicken Soup for the Soul, she was going to write a new book she decided. Breadstix for Bitch Ass Broken Hearts. That had a certain ring to it she thought as she and Kurt plonked themselves down in their usual spots on the couch and began to dig in.
Even with the tsunami of emotions stirring around inside of her, she knew it was for the best that she make an effort, that she not shut herself away from the world. And anyway she told herself it wasn't as if she could miss tonight's episode even if she wanted to. It was the season finale, and yeah maybe her love life was in total ruins or whatever but she still really needed to know which queen took the Season 5 crown home.
It was what she and Kurt had been waiting for, for all these weeks, months really. The crowning of America's Next Drag Superstar. But it was hard for her to muster up much enthusiasm for Drag Race or Breadstix, which Kurt seemed to notice after awhile.
''Are you okay?'' Kurt asked during a commercial break.
''What?'' she asked, shaking herself out of a slight daze.
He muted the TV and nodded down to their food. ''It's just that usually at this point of the night you would have already stolen my serving of breadsticks.''
''Maybe I'm trying to cut back on carbs.''
He held up his pointer finger. ''Also, there's a ton of drama happening between Roxxxy, Alaska and Jinkx in this episode. You usually live for workroom drama but right now it's like you're barely here. What's going on?''
She shook her head and waited several minute before she finally decided to just tell him. ''I talked to Brittany.''
Kurt comically slurped up a bit of pasta. ''Oh?''
''Actually it was more like she cornered me into a conversation.'' Santana squinted off into the distance. ''And then I may or may have not have imagined a mini Latrice and Phi Phi giving me life advice.''
''What?''
''I don't know, it was weird.''
''So wait, Brittany came to you then?'' Kurt questioned with an intrigued little glimmer.
Santana nodded.
''And?''
''And nothing,'' Santana grumbled, tossing her take out meal onto the coffee table and abandoning it, carelessly tossing a used napkin onto the serving.
''What did you say?''
''Why does it matter?'' Santana stood up and went to raid his mini fridge. She poked around until she found what she was looking for. ''I'm stealing your last soda.''
''There's an extra case upstairs in the kitchen,'' he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. He didn't care if he was out of soda, he wanted details. ''I take it whatever your conversation entailed it must not have ended very well otherwise you wouldn't be in this delightful little mood of yours. Will you just spill?''
Santana sipped on her drink as she made a lazy stroll around his room. ''She told me she broke up with Artie and that she wanted me to know that she was ready. She put herself out there and I...I walked away.''
''Correct me if I'm wrong but your gay ass has been pining over her for months.''
''I have not been pining over Brittany,'' she scoffed. ''I've been brooding over her, there's a difference. Pining is pathetic, brooding on the other hand is sexy.''
''Whatever, my point is you've clearly been miserable being apart from each other. You've spent months moping around without her and when she finally decides to do something about it and puts herself on the line, you reject her?''
''I wasn't rejecting her,'' Santana said, taking issue with that phrasing. ''I was doing what's best for her, and me. She'll get over it, she'll get over me.''
''I don't get you sometimes,'' Kurt sighed in disappointment.
''Yeah well neither do I.''
''I don't understand why you can't be vulnerable with her.''
''Because the last time I was vulnerable my heart got trampled on,'' Santana replied briskly. ''Since then I've been working my ass off trying to get to the other side of all of this. I know I still have a long way to go but I'm getting there, I'm putting in the time and doing the work on myself and for myself and what, I'm supposed to drop all of that and run into her arms because she's ready? Yeah no.''
''I highly doubt you're just some consolation prize to her, Santana.''
''And how do you know that?''
Kurt gave her a shrug and a flap of his hands, he was very obviously trying to brush off her question with a blase response. But Santana, Santana could see something in his sneaky little squirrely face.
She set her drink down on his desk and took a long moment to study him. ''You didn't tell her to talk to me, did you?''
Kurt let out a nervous sounding chuckle. ''Why would I do that?''
''Oh I don't know, I just think it's funny how just a few days ago you were all telling me to 'step my pussy up' and go sweep Brittany off her feet? And then when I don't, you go and purposely team up with her and talk about who knows what together, and then after spending time with you she just comes at me with all of her feelings. I just think it's interesting how she finally makes a move when you've been over here trying to play cupid between the two of us.''
He held up the remote control as if to unmute the TV and resume their program. ''Can we please save this conversation for later? The show's coming back on.''
Santana approached him and then with only slight force lightly swatted the remote out of his hand, sending it skidding across the floor.
Kurt squeaked in outrage. ''What the hell did you do that for?''
''No, you know what, we're not watching this finale until you tell me what you told Brittany.'' She folded her arms in an attempt to show him she meant business.
''I didn't tell her anything. Well, hardly anything.''
''What does that mean?''
Kurt didn't answer, he just stood up and went to retrieve the remote, picking it up and trying to take his spot back in front of the TV. Only before he could do so Santana yanked it out of his hands once again. He tried to reach for it but she simply held it up and out of his grasp.
''You're not getting this until you give me a straight answer.'' She spun in place, holding the remote away from him as he tried to make a grab for it at different angles.
''Stop playing Santana,'' he warned. ''They're about to do the final runway!''
''Fuck the final runway!''
''How dare you!''
''You 'shut your no drag knowledge mouth'!''
''Don't you quote Alyssa Edwards at me at a time like this!''
'''I'm not joking bitch!' '' she shouted in her best Coco Montrese impression.
And with that, they both tumbled to the floor as they began a childish wrestling match for the remote. There was no real anger or force in this tussle though, if anything, as they twisted and turned and rolled all over the floor together, squeaking and shouting at each other, they seemed more like a couple of siblings squabbling over a toy they both wanted to play with.
It went on for several completely ridiculous minutes until they heard someone clear their throat loudly as if to get their attention.
Santana and Kurt went statue still when they saw they had a visitor standing just a few feet away.
''Brittany,'' Kurt greeted brightly from underneath Santana who had been winning their silly tussle. ''How lovely of you to drop in.''
Brittany took a few seconds to digest the scene before pulling something out of her backpack and holding it out to Kurt. ''Sorry to interrupt whatever this is, I just came over to give you back your iPod shuffle,'' she said, holding up the gadget as she inched her way towards them. The shuffle was placed in a small ziplock bag for some odd reason. ''You let me borrow it when we were brainstorming duets a few nights ago. My mom told me to bring it back to you and get it out of the house because Lord Tubbington ate it, then puked it up, then ate it again, then puked it up. Kind of went on like that for awhile.''
Kurt winced as he picked himself up and rubbed his side where Santana had elbowed him a few moments ago. He took her offering by his fingertips and flinged it into a nearby trash bin. ''Gee, thanks.''
''What were you guys doing?'' Brittany asked.
Kurt waited a moment to see if Santana would join in on their conversation and answer. When she didn't Kurt stepped up and lamely offered her an explanation. ''Spanish tutoring.''
Santana meanwhile stood up and dusted herself off and casually drifted to the other side of the room, putting several feet of space between herself and Brittany.
''Right,'' Brittany said, as if that made sense.
Kurt looked over to Santana, then to Brittany, then to Santana again.
''Would you like a ginger ale?'' he asked Brittany, acting like a perfectly accommodating host.
Brittany gave him a nod. ''I could go for something to drink.''
Kurt turned then as if to grab one from his mini fridge and then stopped dramatically. ''Oh would you look at that? I am all at of refreshments down here! No worry though,'' he said with a weirdly wicked smile that was almost Santana-esque. ''I have plenty upstairs in the kitchen. I'll just go pop up there to grab a few. Brittany, why don't you wait here with Santana while I go fetch some drinks?''
''I'll go get them,'' Santana offered eagerly, looking for an out.
Kurt flapped a hand at her, he wasn't about to let her wiggle her way out of this. ''Nonsense, I'm your host. It's my duty.''
Kurt sent Santana a smirk as he started on up the stairs, leaving her there in his basement bedroom alone with Brittany.
When he was out of sight Santana did her best to busy herself, walking over to Kurt's desk on the other side of the room to retrieve her own discarded drink. She knocked a couple of sips back and then started to poke and prod around as if she found his fabric swatches and sketchbooks utterly fascinating.
She was hoping Brittany would take the painfully uncomfortable silence as a hint that she wasn't interested in trying to hash anything out. But she had no such luck she realized when Brittany broke the ice and the quietness.
''I didn't know you were here,'' Brittany said to her back.
''Yeah well, Kurt sucks at conjugation so.''
''But I'm glad you are.''
Santana blinked long and hard and gripped the edge of furniture. ''I meant what I said to you,'' she said, practically trembling. ''I can't do this, I can't be with you right now, Brittany.''
''I know and I'm not here to convince you to be.''
Santana flinched. She hadn't expected those words or how much they would hurt.
''I've been thinking a lot about what you said a few days ago. I realized something. A few things actually.''
''Like?'' Santana finally mustered up enough nerve to turn around so they could face each other.
''You said that even though it didn't look like it, you were respecting the choice I had made.'' Brittany's eyes held a certain kind of calm resolution. ''I didn't get that at first, how you respecting it meant you having to avoid me. But when I really thought about it, I figured it out. You weren't just avoiding me to hurt me...you were giving me space. You were giving me space so I could figure out how to stand on my own two feet. You were giving me what I needed without me even seeing it. You were giving me what I needed and now, I just want you to know...I'm ready to give you what you need.''
''And what is that exactly?'' Santana asked, her breath becoming heavy.
''The same thing. Space.'' Brittany smiled sadly. ''You made a choice and just like you respected mine I'm going to respect yours.''
''And how are you going to do that?''
It looked like it pained Brittany as she worried her bottom lip and said, ''you don't have to worry about me constantly calling or texting you anymore. I'm not saying I won't slip up or break because I know it's going to be there, this itch to hear you or talk to you, but if I do just….just block me. If respecting your choice means giving you space and time...then that's what I'll do. It's like I said, I needed to stand on my own two feet for awhile and I did. Now, now I think maybe it's your turn. Maybe that means you figuring out how to be alone, maybe that means you dating other girls, I don't know. I just know that I'll be here when you're ready, when you find your own two feet. I don't want to push you anymore or try to force your hand because that…this...it can't be about me or what I want or when I'm ready. It's about you. I want to be the person who gives you what you need, even if what you need is to be without me for awhile while you figure yourself out.''
Santana felt the sting of tears. ''And if I never do?''
Brittany made a cute squinty little thinky face. ''I'll still be here.''
''And what if when I do figure everything out and get to a place where I am ready to be with you, what if I'm not the same person?''
''That doesn't matter. I mean it does and it doesn't,'' Brittany amended quickly. ''If you find out new and different things about yourself I'll still want you.''
''Even if I'm never cheer captain again?''
''Even if you're never cheer captain again.''
''Even if I'm just another loser at Mckinley with no power, no popularity?''
''Even then,'' Brittany giggled through the seriousness, because of course she would. ''I don't care about those things. You could come back ready with all the answers or with no answers at all and I'll still want you. I never hung off your arm because you had those things.''
''Why did you?'' Santana asked, not out of confrontation but a genuine curiosity.
''You know how I told you that when I was with you I felt like I was the center of your universe?''
Santana nodded.
''What I didn't get a chance to say was that, you were mine too. You were...are...always will be the center of my universe, Santana. That has never changed. No matter who you are or what you are or where you are, I'll be here.''
''You will?''
''I will. I'll wait. Whether that's one day or a thousand of them,'' Brittany vowed.
Santana swallowed as she let all of this wash over her. Brittany wasn't putting any pressure or rush or urgency on this, she was opening the door and letting Santana know it was there whenever she felt she was ready to walk through it. On her terms and in her own time.
''Until then…'' Brittany continued, ''I won't be far but I'm going to do my best to give you the space you need.''
Brittany looked like she was about to turn and start on up the stairs but then, decided differently as she slowly walked and made her way over to stand in front of Santana.
''I just need this one last thing,'' Brittany said as she gently pulled Santana in for a hug, burying her face into Santana's neck and inhaling deeply. Savoring the moment and the embrace.
It took her a few moments but Santana felt herself relaxing against her. Her own arms went to wrap around Brittany, holding her to her.
In this moment Santana felt herself feeling safe, secure, soothed. Soothed in a way only Brittany could ever make her feel. Brittany who could always see past everything, who would reach past the barbed wire around Santana's heart to make it beat again when Santana felt like she was too far gone.
Brittany was going to wait for her.
Brittany was going to be there on the other side of whatever this was, whatever this turned out to be.
Slowly Brittany began to pull away from their hug. Giving Santana one last sad but certain smile as she went only to be tugged back as Santana reached out, found Brittany's hand and twirled her back into her arms and into a deep and passionate kiss.
It had been too long, too long since Santana had felt this softness, this tenderness that only Brittany's kiss could give her. And Santana wasn't coming up for air either. She wanted to drown in it, in the depths of this embrace. What started off as slow and languid though turned heated and intense and hungry. Brittany was kissing back just as hotly and fervantly as Santana.
So entwined with each other they accidentally bumped into Kurt's desk with a bit of force, causing several items on top of it to shake or fall over but they didn't stop or slow down. They were so lost in the kiss they didn't seem to notice or care, especially when Santana's hands started to wander over Brittany, exploring a body that she was already so familiar with and had so missed. And especially not when Brittany pumped forward, pushing Santana against the edge of said desk, each of them letting out needy, desperate little whimpers.
''No, no, wait, wait,'' Brittany said, shaking her head as if trying to think more clearly.
Santana tensed. ''No?''
''No I mean yes, but like,'' Brittany panted and tossed a nod in the direction of the white couch.
Without having to think twice Santana pushed her rear away from the desk and kissed Brittany again, lightly nudging her in the direction of the piece of furniture until the back of Brittany's knees hit the armrest and she toppled back, taking Santana down with her.
With a grin Santana hovered above her and went back in, capturing those perfect pink lips with her own.
''I missed you so much,'' Brittany said in a soft airy voice that made Santana's brain go haywire with lust. ''I missed this so much.''
''Britt,'' Santana moaned, on the brink of a frenzy. Her eyes clenching shut, overcome by the sensations. ''God.''
Brittany went to work between their bodies, accepting Santana's hurried, passionate kisses as her hands worked to tug at shirts, pop open buttons and inching down articles of clothing. Neither of them could get them off fast enough and yet, when they did, when skin met skin it was like everything slowed down all of a sudden.
And then, as lips met over and over again, as their bodies slide against the other, as they whispered each other's names Santana realized that maybe this passion, this fire, this connection, this kind of intimacy was worth risking her heart for.
If Brittany was open and willing and determined to be patient and wait, then maybe, maybe Santana could step her heart up.
Nothing about this would be easy or perfect but maybe it would all be worth it Santana thought as Santana watched Brittany stare up at her with wonder as they moved together, perfectly in sync even after all this time.
Maybe Santana wasn't as brave and fearless as her favorite queens, but one day she hoped to be and in order to get there, in order to be just as brave, just as fearless she had to be willing and ready to take a risk. Because you sure as hell didn't become a queen by wallowing in pity or doubt or shutting down when faced with adversity, you became one by facing it, by embracing it, by opening your heart up and taking it all in, the failure and the pain and the triumph and making it beautiful.
And this here with Brittany was the most beautiful thing she had ever known.
''I love you,'' Santana whispered.
Brittany smiled back with watery eyes. ''I love you too.''
And it was and they were. Beautiful.
Although Kurt didn't quite think so as he came onto the scene.
''My couch!'' he shouted, the tray of beverages he had assembled and brought down dropping to the floor causing the drinks to spill and the snacks to scatter about everywhere.
They were screwing on his couch.
Santana and Brittany scrambled, both of them managed to cover themselves with a couple of large throw pillows.
Brittany looked stunned but overall seemed quite tickled at being caught, finding it amusing more than anything else. Santana half smiled, half winced in Kurt's direction.
''Hey you told me to 'step my pussy up' '' she said and made a wave to her and Brittany's naked bodies hidden behind their pillows.
''This is not what I meant!'' he huffed and made a silly appalled face. Kurt looked like he was malfunctioning but soon he broke out into laughter. ''Look I don't know what this means for the two of you, I'm guessing you both came to some kind of resolution which is wonderful and should be celebrated but for the love of Ru will the two of you please get dressed and let me watch the Drag Race finale. Also Santana I swear to god if there's a wet spot on my vintage couch I will murder you.''
Santana made an airy scoffy noise, clearly she didn't take his threat seriously. Still she and Brittany began the process of wiggling back into their clothes and doing so covertly from behind the throw pillows as Kurt meanwhile went down to start cleaning up everything he had dropped when he found them banging in his bedroom.
Brittany worked her head back into her shirt. ''What's Drag Race?''
Santana looked at Kurt. Kurt looked at Santana. Santana and Kurt then both turned and smiled at Brittany.
And so two squirrel friends became three.
X
So gimmie all of your feelings and leave me a review!
To the folks reading who are RPDR fans, how are you guys enjoying Season 10 so far? I'm really feeling Monique Heart, Monet X Change, Asia O'Hara and Miz Cracker. I also enjoyed how The Vixen is taking no shit this season omg. That was SUCH a Santana move calling Aquaria out like that in ep2. ''No too vague! This is what happened!'' I cackled. But then in ep3 of Untucked The Vixen just articulated the race problem in the fandom so well, like I've watched that scene 10x. She was bringing the truth and like I'm sorry, it's time someone said what she said.
Also! Now every time I see a sponge I'm just like ''nice Drag Race reference'' lol. And it's been weeks but I'm still amazed at how this fandom has reacted to ''Miss...Vanjie...Miss...Vanjie''. You know how Glee is hard to explain to non-Glee fans, I feel like the same goes for Drag Race. It's like speaking a different language but I love it.
I've actually received several messages and DMs from people telling me they started watching Drag Race because of this fic. If you have hit me up on tumblr, I want to hear your thoughts, tell me what season you're watching, what queens are your favorites so far. Do you agree about Santana being a Willam and Kurt being a Jinkx? Yes, no, maybe so? Also, who would Brittany be? I say Brittany is such a Katya. Talk to me!