Author's Notes: A special thanks to A posse ad esse and wolfchick11 for reviewing.

Warning: This chapter contains an Aristocrat joke, so if those offend you just skip over that paragraph. It's vulgar, so be wary.

Chapter III: Road to Midland

The red glowing embers of the fat Cuban cigar stood out in the small business like office. The overweight balding man drummed his fingers on the desk while he watched the phone willing it to ring. He took a deep toke and slowly exhaled, blowing the smoke in to the face of a nearby subordinate. He was beginning to get agitated at the lack of contact and if he didn't hear anything soon he had no choice, but to assume the man was dead. His fingers began to twitch as he laid his hand on his gun. Patience was never his forte. Soon he was going to have to release all this nervous pent up energy. Luckily for him and everyone around him, the sharp cry of the phone came just in time.

"Speak."

"They're leaving town."

"Where are they going?"

"I don't know, but the dumbasses stopped by church before heading out. It was more than enough time to plant the tracker. "

"Good. Take the scopolamine and follow them."

"Done."

The man threw down the phone and leaned back into the chair. He was feeling significantly more relaxed than before. His plan had begun to roll into action and now it was only a matter of time before he could personally destroy the Saints; humiliating them as they had done to him and his family. No body fucks with Desi Adamo.

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They had been driving for hours. Murphy grew increasingly restless as he fidgeted with anything he could get his hands on. His inability to sit still had been growing on his brother's nerves making the last hour very uncomfortable. Unable to contain himself any longer Murphy let out a loud groan and turned to his brother.

"So a koala hops a flight to New York and while he's there he gets a hooker. They fuck and afterwards the hooker turns to the koala and say 'gimme my money.' Confused the koala asks what she's talking about. So the hooker breaks out a dictionary and looks up prostitute where it says: have sex, gets paid. The koala then takes the dictionary and looks up koala where it says: eats bush and leaves."

Connor let out a small chuckle at Murphy attempted joke. "Murph, that wasn't one of yer better ones."

"Yer s'pose to show me up. That's how the game works."

"I'm not playin'."

"Well what the fuck else are we suppose to do?"

"Fine. I might as well take ye out quickly. So this man goes to see his talent agent and he says 'boy, do I have this great new act for ye. It's a family act, so it starts off with my daughter runnin' out on stage twirlin' her baton. She strips off all her clothes and then bends over and spreads her ass apart. My son comes skateboardin' out and as he passes her he shoves the baton right up her asshole. So he strips down and she starts sucking him off. Then my wife comes out with this huge double dildo and shoves it in my daughter's pussy and then she gets on the other end of both the dildo and baton. So they're fuckin' each other and I come out with this huge stallion. This is where it gets real good. I start fuckin' the horse and my wife starts sucking him off while dp-ing herself and my daughter. And all the time she's deep throatin' my son. And right before it ends, my son turns around and takes a huge shit on my daughter.' The agent takes a moment to think about it and says 'What do you call your act?' And the man says "The Aristocrats."

"Ye can't start with a fuckin' Aristocrat joke! That's the end all be all of jokes!"

"Sure as hell shut you up."

"No, yer not gettin' off that easy! I'll play this game."

"I don't want to fuckin' play a game!"

Ignoring his brother Murphy launched into another Aristocrat joke full of incest, bestiality, and any other vulgarity that came to his mind. And he was colorful when it came to that area. Connor began to lighten up as he listened to his twin try to top his joke. They were soon laughing their asses off as they entered Virginia. A comfortable silence fell over them and Murphy found himself staring out the window once again. The commotion of the Boston's large population had long since faded away and was replaced by miles of pastureland as they rode through the countryside. Houses slowly began to spring up as they entered another nameless town. The closer they got to this town, Murphy and Connor began to notice a curious reoccurring theme. House, schools and businesses alike were proudly displaying Irish flags, shamrocks, leprechauns and any other stereotypical thing they could think of. Just as Murphy was about to voice his complaint, the answer to all their questions came to them in a form of a large banner waving carelessly in the wind.

Welcome to Midland's 23rd Annual Irish Festival!

"We should stop here for the night."

Murphy gave Connor a surprised look. "Why?"

"It's an Irish festival. We're Irish. We'll fit right in."

"What sense does it make to celebrate Ireland in the middle of fuckin' Virginia?"

"It doesn't, we'll be a novelty. We'll get all the fuzz we want."

"I don't wanna stop."

Connor vetoed Murphy's complaints by pulling into the nearest motel. Taking the keys with him, he hopped out and went to get them a room. Murphy sat in the car in a huff. He could hear the faux Irish music drifting down the streets. He didn't want to be there. These people knew nothing of Ireland. It was just a celebration of stereotypes. Connor soon came bouncing back to their car flinging open the door and grabbing their bags.

"Hurry up! We have time to enter the drinking contest!"

Murphy perked up at the idea of a drinking contest. He knew he and Connor could drink all these rednecks under the table. And while he was there, maybe he could educate these fools about the real Ireland.

His foul mood faded away as they walked the streets of Midland. The roads were lined with booths of every nature. Faux Irish merchandise, Celtic jewelry, homemade crafts and the ever present face painting booths enticed the people into the streets. Hundreds of people were laughing while emptying their wallets and their cares. Connor and Murphy weaved themselves through the crowd heading towards a large stage where a folk band was currently playing. As they finished, the band quickly dispersed and was replaced by lackies hauling out large tables and several pitchers of beer. This is where they wanted to be.

Connor politely pushed his way to the front, heading towards the man with the microphone. After conversing momentarily, he waved Murphy towards the stage. Noticing that a bar was closer than the stage, Murphy headed that way instead. Connor shrugged off his brother's antics and hopped on stage where other contestants were gathering. Several large pints were being set in front of everyone and he made sure they set an extra one for his brother. Murphy wasn't the type of person to pass up free booze.

The host causally walked to the front of the stage. He was an older man wearing dirty faded jeans and a flannel button up shirt. He looked as if he spent his entire life living in a small country town, but he seemed like he loved every minute. He turned to the crowd and began the opening ceremonies.

"Hey everybody! I'm Jimmy Flowers and it's finally time to drink! For those who don't know, there are three drinks in front of all contestants. First to finish wins this wonderful gift certificate to Jenny's for $25. Is y'all ready?"

"Wait!" Murphy's cries cut through the crowd as he made his way to the stage quickly. The contest was briefly suspended as everyone watched him head up on stage. He took his place next to Connor and set down a shot glass in front of each of them.

"We might as well do this right."

The antics caught the attention of the host and he made his way over to him. "What you 'bout to do?"

"It's an Irish Car Bomb. Ye drop the shot into the beer and chug it. This'll just make things more interestin'."

"That accent part of the festival, boy?"

"No, I'm actually from Ireland."

"Wonderful! You boys have a challenge here!" The host slapped Murphy on the back and headed towards the other side of the stage. "Three! Two! One! Drink!"

The twins dropped their shots into the mugs of beer and began chugging as fast as they could. After his first drink, Murphy gave Connor a sideways glance and was delighted to find himself slightly ahead. Finishing that one in a few large gulps, he began his third and final drink. With only a third of his beer left, he heard an empty glass being slammed down on the table. The crowd erupted in cheers. As he finished his final drink, he turned to find his brother smiling triumphantly at him. Within a minute all the contestants had finished and Jimmy Flowers was once again heading their way.

"Congratulations, boy! What's your name?"

"Connor McManus."

"You from Ireland too?"

"Aye, I am."

"Whoo boy! We got ourselves some authentic fellers here. You head over to Susan and she'll get you set up for your prize."

They both thanked Jimmy and headed in the direction the man pointed. They were soon flagged down by a bubbly older woman who gave them their gift certificate and pointed them to the restaurant. They promptly headed that way; both realizing that they last meal they ate consisted of crackers and red bull.

Jenny's was obviously a local place packed full of people. The wait staff and dining facility was colored green and was decorated with shamrocks. They were quickly greeted by a middle aged woman who grabbed several menus and turned to them with a large smile.

"Top o' the morning to you! Smoking or non?"

Dropping his accent, Murphy quickly responded. "Well I reckon we'll take smoking if y'all got a table open."

The woman smiled sweetly and indicated they should follow her. As soon as her back was turned Connor quickly smacked his brother on the back of his head and headed after her. When Murphy finally caught up to him, Connor was already seated and the hostess had disappeared.

"She fuckin' started it when that 'top o' the mornin' shit!"

"She was just being friendly, Murph."

"This town is single handedly trying to set Ireland back a hundred fuckin' years."

"And yet they gave us three pints and a free meal. Ye have a lot of fuckin' complain about."

"Anyone could have entered and won. How can this not piss ye off?"

"They're not meanin' for any of it to be offensive. Sure it's all stereotypes, but look at us, Murph. We are the epitome of Irish stereotypes. We drink like a fish, we smoke like a chimney, we fuck like rabbits, we curse like sailors, we're extremely catholic and we fight like Thai boxers."

"Fight like Thai boxers?"

"Ye can only have so many good metaphors in a sentence. So lighten up and enjoy our free meal. And afterwards we can go out and get shit faced."

Murphy dropped the subject when their food arrived. They thoroughly enjoyed their home-style meal. It had been a while since either of them had a good decent meal. Both of them were too lazy to cook. They usually ended up eating bar food or anything that delivered at obscure hours of the day. This food was obviously made by someone who cared; someone who put their lives into making the perfect dining masterpiece. It was the closet thing to home they had in years. They were stuffed and the after dinner cigarette was the icing on the cake.

There were always certain cigarettes during the day that were better than all the rest. The classic one is the after sex cigarette. And while that was good, Murphy always enjoyed the first cigarette of the morning. It was the best way to start the day. Connor, on the other hand, loved the after dinner cigarette. It was best after a great meal when you were too full to move out of your seat. It created a most satisfying feeling and always helped to create room for the after dinner drinks.

Connor and Murphy soon found themselves in a cozy bar. It was the type of bar they loved. Everyone knew each other and while the twins were strangers in this town, they had little trouble fitting in. They drank the night away. Smiling, laughing, and flirting as if all their troubles had been caged away in the city they left behind.

Author Notes: Don't binge drink. Know your limits. And submitting reviews makes for happy authors. I apologize if there are a lot of errors in this chapter. Real life got in the way and I had little time to proofread. Thanks for reading!