Edward and Mike, Besties for life.
Mike is based on my real life bus driver. M doesn't technically ride my bus but she has been on it enough to get to know Mike.
Unfortunately, our friends were getting sick of our little email chain and we had to bring it to an abrupt end. If anyone was wondering who Edward was referring to in the last entry, it was in fact our very own lunch lady.
Anyways, this is merely a caricature of Mike, and we do not mean any harm. Mike, we love your miserableness. We could not survive without your shiny bald head as a beacon of despair. Much love!
~K
K-
THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIREEEE!
M-
NOT LITERALLY, CAUSE THAT WOULD SUCKKKK!!!
K-
YES! YES! YES IT WOULD!
M-
AND THEN MIKE THE BUS DRIVER WOULD BE THERE BLAMING IT ON "THOSE DAMN KIDS!!"
K-
THOSE DAMN HOOLIGANS ALWAYS RUIN MY LIFE! NO RESPECT!
M-
'THOSE DAMN HOOLIGANS ARE ALWAYS RUNNING WILD!!! AND THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL WHO SHOWS UP 5 SECONDS LATE!!! 5 SECONDS!!! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!"
K-
TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE! AND THOSE DAMN KIDS WHO DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE BUS STOP! I WILL REFUSE TO BE THEIR SOURCE OF TRANSPORTATION THIS MORNING, EVEN IF THEY HAVE NO OTHER WAY OF GETTING TO SCHOOL! AND I SENSE TOO MUCH FUN IN THE BACK! THEREFORE I SHALL TURN OFF THE RADIO WHICH IS ACTUALLY PLAYING A GOOD SONG FOR ONCE!!! NOM NOM NOM!!!!
M-
"AND GODAMNIT, WHO KEEPS LAUGHING AT MY MOUTH AND HOW IT IS SHAPED!?!?!?!?!?! I CANNOT HELP THE FACT THAT I AM FROWNING FOR LIFE!!! ACCAPT ME FOR WHO I AM DAMNIT!! YOU MEDDLING KIDS!!!!! NO RESPECT!!! NO RESPECT FOR YOUR FELLOW BUS DRIVER WHO STRIVES TO HIT KIDS AND MISSES STOP SIGNS!!!"
K-
I LOATH THOSE DAMN KIDS! THEY MAKE MESSES OUT OF EVERYTHING! THIS BUS IS MY CHICK MACHINE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PICK UP HOT BABES WITH A MESSY BUSS, DAMNIT??
M-
"I CAN'T, NOW CAN I!?!??!? HOW WILL I EVER BE MARRIED WHEN I HAVE A MESSY BUS, AND CRAZY KIDS LIKE YOU!? GET OFF MY DAMN BUS!! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO RIDE ON MY BUS ANYMORE!! I'M GETTING TONY!!! TONYYYYY!!!???!!??!?!?!?"
K-
Tony: Ahh those are good kids. You guys can go...
Mike: NOM NOM NOM!!! EVIL HOODLUMS! DAMN KIDS!! RAWR!!!
*mike looses it*
M-
Tony: THESE ARE GOOD KIDS!!! GET OVER IT!!!
Mike: NOM NOM NOMMMm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~EATS HIS HEAD~
K-
*RUNS EVERY STOP SIGN IN NISKAYUNA BECAUSE THAT'S HOW HE ROLLS* THOSE DAMN KIDS! NOW I HAVE TO GO PICK UP ELEMENTARY SCHOOLERS! THOSE DAMN KIDS WHO KEEP SINGING WHEELS ON THE BUS DRIVE ME FRIGGIN CRAZY!!!! NOM NOM NOM!!!
M-
"AND THESE STUPID HIGH SCHOOL KIDS WITH THEIR CRAZY RAP AND THEIR 'WUD YOU KNOW 'BOUT ME!?!?!?!?! WUD YOU WUD YOU KNOW!?!?!?" ~does weird arm movements~
K-
WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT MY LIPGLOSS, HUH? MY LIPGLOSS BE COOL, MY LIPGLOSS BE POPPIN! THOSE DAMN KIDS DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ART OF FINE LIPGLOSS! HOOLIGANS!!!
M-
~starts to put lip gloss all over his mouth, but misses and goes all over his cheek~ "LOOK IT WHAT YOU DAMN KIDS DID NOW!?!?!?! YOU MADE ME MISS MY MOUTH!!! SUCH SAVAGES!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET DATES, LOOKING LIKE A SAVAGE!?"
K-
MY BUS ISN'T A CHICK MAGNET IF I LOOK LIKE A STICKY LIPGLOSS HOBO! WHERE DID THOSE DAMN KIDS PUT MY PAPER TOWELS???
M-
"NO, THEY ARE NOT USED FOR TOLIET PAPER!! STOP MOONING ME!!! HOLLIGANS!!! NO RESPECT!! NONE!! I AM YOUR BUS DRIVER, AND I CAN TURN THIS BUS AROUND AND SEND YOU STRAIGHT HOME!!! JUST DARE ME!!!"
K-
WAIT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DARE ME! I'LL DO IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I GAIN JOY FROM YOUR DISPLEASURE! I FEED OFF OF YOUR DESPAIR! DAMN KIDS!
M-
~ he drives back to the kids houses and pushes them out and nearly runs over like 15 people~ "DAMN THE WORLD!!! DAMN KIDS!! I JUST WANTED TO BE A FAMOUS ACTOR, BUT I WAS REJECTED!!! THEY SAID I WAS TOO BALD AND TOO UGLY!!! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!?!?!?!"
K-
I THINK MY RECEDING HAIRLINE IS QUITE CHARMING! AND MY SO CALLED UGLINESS IS ENDEARING!
WHO'S LAUGHING BACK THERE? I'M GONNA GET YOU, YOU DAMN KIDS!
M-
"I THINK I LOOK RATHER APPEALING TO THE EYE, ME BEING BALD!!! I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFESTYLE!! IT WAS BESTOWED ON ME!!! YES, I THINK I AM THE "SHIZNET." WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN!"
K-
WHY NO, I DO NOT FIND THAT THIS MAKES ME IN THE LEAST BIT ARROGANT OR CONCEITED. THOSE DAMN KIDS JUST DON'T APPRECIATE MY 'MAD SKILLZ'!
M-
"NO RESPECT!!! HAVE YOU NOT HEARD THE SONG!?!?!? 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T!! FINDS OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!!' NO!! STOP SINGING!! ONLY I CAN SING!! (~even though I'm sure his voice would sound like CRAP~) I COULD HAVE MADE IT BIG WITH MY VOICE TOO!!! THEY WERE JUST LOOKING FOR 'YOUNGER THINGS.' LIKE THE ONES THAT SHAKE THEIR GLUTES IN FRONT OF CAMERAS!!! I SAY, THAT IS UNHEARD OF!!!"
K-
QUITE DESPICABLE BEHAVIOR AMONG THESE YOUNG HOODLUMS! YOU DAMN KIDS BETTER NOT GET ANY IDEAS!
M-
"MY VOICE IS VELVET!!! VELVET!!! SO ALL YOU DAMN KIDS CAN JUST GO TO HELL!! YOU HEARD ME!! WHAT'S THAT!?!? OH, YOU'RE GOING TO SUE ME??!!? I'M GOING TO SUE YOU!!! HAVE REPECT FOR YOUR BUS DRIVER AND SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN OR ELSE!! DON'T MAKE ME START SINGING AGAIN, BECAUSE I WILL!!"
K-
TONY? WHERE'S TONY! YOU DAMN KIDS ARE IN FOR IT NOW! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR STANDING UP ON MY BUS! YOU'RE JUST LUCKY THAT I DIDN'T RUN YOU OVER! LIKE I ALMOST DID TO THAT FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT!
M-
"TONY!!! TONY!?!?!?! THE KIDS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND AGAIN!! THAT'S THE 10TH TIME THIS WEEK!!! YOU CHILDREN ARE JUST UNCONTROLLABLE!!! DO YOU BEHAVE LIKE THIS AT YOUR HOUSE!?!?!?"
K-
YOU DO? OH MY WORD! YOUR POOR PARENTS! OH, WAIT, IT'S PROBABLY THEIR FAULT THAT YOU TURNED OUT TO BE A BUNCH OF CRAZY KIDS! THOSE DAMN PARENTS!
M-
"THOSE DAMN PARENTS JUST HAD TO CONCEIVE YOU AND MAKE YOU THIS WAY!! THOSE DAMN PARENTS!! (~even though they're paying him with their tax money...~) THEY DON'T THINK ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE'S FEELINGS!!"
K-
NO ONE ELSE'S FEELINGS ARE LEGITIMATE EXCEPT FOR MY OWN! I AM THE SINGULAR MOST IMPORTANT BEING ON THIS PLANET!!! NOM NOM NOM!
M-
~hits some kid on the side of the head~ "YOU'RE LATE AGAIN!!! UNACCEPTABLE!! WE SHALL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER. SIT DOWN BEFORE I MAKE YOU SIT DOWN!! YOU STUPID LEECHERS!!! YOU DAMN KIDS!!"
M-
Oh, and you sooo know that Edward and him would be tight.
K-
Oh yeah. Edward would be all like MIKE, I HEAR YOU BUDDY! MY BROTHERS ARE ALWAYS MAKING A MESS OF THINGS! I SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY METICULOUSLY SCRUBBING OUT EACH BATHROOM! APPARENTLY THEY THINK WE ARE ANIMALS AND LIVE ACCORDINGLY!
M-
EDWARD, I HEAR YOU!!! THESE DAMN KIDS DON'T CLEAN UP THEY'RE MESSES!!! I AM THE ONE WHO CLEANS UP THOSE DAMN MESSES!!! I TOLD THEM NOT TO DRINK AND EAT ON THE BUS, BUT DO THEY LISTEN!?!?!? NOOOOO!!! NO RESPECT!!
K-
(EDWARD:) NO RESPECT! NONE! WHEN WILL PEOPLE REALIZE HOW MUCH BETTER LIFE WOULD BE IF THEY FOLLOWED RULES???
M-
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!!! THEY ACT LIKE SAVAGES, 24/7!!! WE MUST TALK MORE EDWARD AND RANT ABOUT OUR LIVES!!
K-
(EDWARD:) WE MUST! JUST THE OTHER DAY I WAS CLEANING AND MY DARN BROTHER CAME IN AND TRACKED MUD ALL OVER THE WHITE CARPET. I WOULD HAVE DIED RIGHT THEN AND THERE IF I COULD!
M-
EMMETT: ~comes in and attacks Edward and then leaves~
Mike the bus driver: OH, WHAT A HOLLIGAN!! NO REPECT FOR YOU EDWARD!! NONE!! MY WORD!!
K-
(EDWARD:) ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT! AND DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME WHEN HE STOLE MY STICKERS? THEY WERE FOR MY DAUGHTER, MIKE!
OH, YOU SIMPLY MUST MEET MY DAUGHTER, MIKE! SHE IS ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL! NOT AT ALL LIKE HER UNCLE! *pulls out wallet with 100 pictures of Renesme in it*
M-
Emmett: ~comes back and lights the pictures on fire and disappears into the abyss~
Mike: HONESTLY, HOW ANNOYING!! I FEEL FOR YOU EDWARD. I REALLY DO!!
K-
(EDWARD:) NO!!! THAT WAS THE ONLY COPY OF THAT PICTURE I HAD, EMMETT! I HAVE JUST LOST AN IMPORTANT DOCUMENT OF MY DAUGHTER'S PRECIOUS LIFE!! MIKE, YOU ARE SO LUCKY YOU DO NOT HAVE SIBLINGS! COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, FRIEND!
M-
(MIKE:) I DO BUT THEY'RE ALL AFRAID OF ME BECAUSE OF MY UGLINESS. THAT'S WHY THEY STAY AWAY. AM I HONESTLY THAT HIDEOUS LOOKING, EDWARD!?
K-
(EDWARD:) OF COURSE NOT, MY DEAR FELLOW! YOUR BALD HEAD SHINES WITH ALL THE RADIANCE OF THE SUN!
M-
(MIKE:) I'M SO GLAD THAT SOMEBODY APPRECIATES MY BALDNESS!! I FIND IT ATTRACTIVE, I REALLY DO!! I THINK IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL AND IT MATCHES MY PERMANENT FROWNY FACE.
K-
(EDWARD:) AND YOUR RECEDING HAIRLINE REALLY BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES! OH, YOU MUST MEET MY SISTER ALICE, SHE WOULD DO SUCH WONDERS WITH YOUR WARDROBE! THEN YOU WOULDN'T NEED THIS CHICK MAGNET OF A BUS! YOU'D BE QUITE THE STUD, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF!
M-
(MIKE:) YES, YES I THINK I WOULD LIKE THAT!!! A SISTER, YOU SAY? HOW ABOUT YOUR MOTHER?? IS SHE SINGLE? I SHALL LIKE TO MEET HER IF YOU DON'T MIND.
K-
(EDWARD:) I SYMPATHIZE, FRIEND, BUT ALL MY FEMALE FAMILY MEMBERS ARE IN LOVE! OH, BUT YOU SHOULD MEET MY FATHER AND BROTHER IN LAW AS WELL! THEY ARE NOT AT ALL LIKE MY BROTHER! I'M SURE YOU WOULD LIKE THEM! YOU AND JASPER COULD TRADE HAIR TIPS!
M-
(MIKE:) THAT WOULD BE SPLENDID!! MAYBE IF I GET A DATE, WE ALL COULD GO ON A BIG OUTING. OH, WOULD THAT NOT BE FUN!?
K-
(EDWARD:) YES! OH MY WORD, WE'D HAVE LIKE A QUADRUPLE DATE! WHAT FUN!
M-
(MIKE:) THAT WOULD BE SPLENDID!! EDWARD, EW MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!
K-
(EDWARD:) ABSOLUTELY! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU WOULD LIKE TO TAKE?
M-
(MIKE:) NO! THOSE DAMN KIDS TAKE UP THE PERCENTAGE OF MY DAY, SO I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY THAT WOULD LIKE TO ENJOY MY COMPANY. I WISH THERE WAS. THOSE DAMN KIDS ARE MAKING ME ANGRY, I WANT TO RETIRE.
K-
(EDWARD:) GO FOR IT MIKE! YOU WILL FEEL SO EMPOWERED!
M-
(MIKE:) OKAY!! I THINK I WILL!! ~SEES A WOMAN ON THE STREET~ HELLO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME ON A DATE THIS WEEKEND?
K-
(EDWARD:) *nods encouragingly*
M-
WOMAN: NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!!!! ~throws something at him~
K-
(EDWARD:) IT'S OK MIKE, DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED! I HAVE JUST HAD THE MOST BRILLIANT IDEA!
M-
(MIKE:) OH, PLEASE TELL ME EDWARD!!! I WOULD MUCH RATHER LISTEN TO YOUR IDEAS THEN GET THINGS THROWN AT ME!
K-
(EDWARD:) THERE'S THIS WONDERFUL LADY THAT I KNOW WHO IS SINGLE! I SHALL INTRODUCE YOU! OH, JUST YOU WAIT! SHE'S A REAL CATCH, MIKE! A VERY CLASSY WOMAN!