Thanks for the reviews, guys. SS would like to send a special "OMG THANK YOU!!" out to Cha-Fujimura for loving the random Weiss-in-an-apron moment.

Oh my God… Oh. My. God. I'm clinging onto Cloud's shoulders. Like, Cloud's shoulders! As in, Cloud Strife, my super smexy, highly homophobic roommate. Who has a girlfriend. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He kinda stiffens when I do that, so I think he realized the same thing that I did. So I let go. It's not my fault, though. Thunder's scary.

So we let go and go to bed. Very anticlimactic after that. He doesn't sleep-rape me again. Much though I wanted him to. I half considered stroking him in his sleep but I've got a conscience (that looks a lot like Weiss and Nero as the devil and angel, respectively).

The conversation goes a little like this.

"I wanna touch Cloud inappropriately."

Nero-angel goes, "Don't you dare!"

Weiss-devil hisses, "C'mon. You know you want to. And he's been so stressed lately, or so he's said."

Me, a victim of lust and sleepiness, "Well… Yeah…"

"Zack Fair, don't you dare touch that boy! That's not the way to win his love!"

Weiss-devil gives Nero-angel this loaded look, like, "Who's looking to win his love?"

Nero-angel is right though, I don't want Cloud to hate me, which he would if he caught me jerking him off. So, instead of touching him (or myself, which would have been preferred), I try to shut it off by imagining my conscience having sex with itself.

Works. I've never wanted to see Weiss naked. Like, ever. Ew…

"My girlfriend's coming over this weekend."

I look up from the textbook in front of me. "Really?"

"Yeah… So, you like you could maybe… Uh… I dunno… Not… Uhm…?"

I can hear it. He wants me to fake normal for her. I can do that. I had to do that for years and years until I left my parents' house. Then, like, five minutes before I left, I said, "Oh, by the way, you remember Genesis from two houses down? Yeah, you remember how he came over so much? There's a good reason for that. We were lovers. I'm gay."

I had meant for it to be dramatic. But my mother just turned to my father and said, "You owe me five bucks." So I guess I was obvious. But I can still fake straight for Cloud.

"Sure, alright. I'll turn down the gay a little."

He gives me this look like I just told him that monkeys create the spikes in my hair for me daily. "What are you talking about? I was going to ask you not to mention that we're sleeping in the same bed."

Oh. Of course. "Yeah, I can do that too."

"Cool." And then he goes back to cleaning his side of the room. (Translation: Shoving his dirty clothes, papers and other detritus under his bed). Which gave me a perfect view of his ass. Which only calls up memories of last night… And two nights before that.

In a complete spazz move, I slam my hand in my desk drawer. As I suck on the damaged skin, Cloud just rolls his eyes and says, "Smooth."

Cloud's girlfriend is pretty in a porn star way. She's got brown hair, down to her mid-back, big brown doe eyes and humungous boobs. I'm sorry, I usually don't talk about girl-chest (unless Aeris wants to discuss hers), but that's her most prominent feature.

I learn, in addition to her name and face, that Tifa is a waitress at the café less than 2 blocks away from the school, she has a younger sister named Marlene and she wants to be a barmaid when she graduates from Saint Jenova's Academy for Young Women. Whatever floats her boat, I guess.

I also learn that Cloud hadn't really said much about me.

"You're Cloudy's roommate then?" Any man, gay or straight, would have blinked a little in disturbance about that nickname. Cloud just puts his dirties in the hamper (Tifa found them).

"'Fraid so…"

"Sorry if he's been a pain in the butt for you in anyway."

Butt-humping!! SHIT!! "Not really. We've been okay."

"Okay…" Tifa sits at Cloud's desk. Cloud himself is still puttering around the room. Psycho. Sit down.

"So… How long have you two been together?"

"Oh… Forever. Since junior year, I think, right, Cloud?"

Cloud will make an excellent husband for this woman. Why, you ask? He has the Yes-Dear face and tone already perfected. "Right."

We lapse into a kind of uncomfortable silence. Then Tifa asks The Question: "Do you have a girlfriend?" Cloud stubs his toe on his broken bed frame and swears.

"Uhm… Well… Uh…"

"He's gay, Tifa." Cloud sits on our bed. (I squeal every time I think about the fact that he and I share a bed, even if it is platonically).

"Oh…" Then I get to thinking that if Cloud is homophobic, maybe she is too. Maybe they met at a Jenova Youth Meeting or something. Shit. Shit. Shit. "Do you think my hair is okay? I mean, like, in general?"

Ell oh ell, what? "Uhm… Looks good to me. Long hair always looks good on girls."

"Really? 'Cause I've been thinking it's a little too dry. Do you think it's too dry?"

"N-Not at all." Is she using me as straight women usually use gay men? Okay, so Cloud's probably-crazy girlfriend accepts me. Sweet. Mega super awesome.

I've got classes, thank god. Would you want to stick around while they give each other looks like, "I wanna make out with you so bad right now! OM NOM NOM!" and you're all gay for the boy? Exactly.

I'm not in a course with either of my uncles, which would be better. I could ask for help on what to do when the girlfriend of the guy I want shows up and seems really cool, I don't want to mess with her or anything but I still want the guy.

After the class lets out, I try to be Weiss and Nero for myself. Worst idea ever. It didn't work that well. So, I'll just skip my misadventures and go to the part where I got into Weiss and Nero's apartment.

"She's perfect," I announce, slamming the door and doing a face plant onto their couch. Nero puts down his book.

"Who's perfect?"

"She's perfect."

Weiss looks at me funny. "Are you going straight on us?"

"No. Cloud's girlfriend is perfect. I mean, gawd, she's popular, she's pretty." I sigh and grab a throw pillow. "In other words, she's perfect and he loves her, he doesn't love me, he never will… Ugh…"

Nero pets me. Weiss cackles. "You sound like a twelve year old girl." I glare and he throws up his hands. "Well, you do. If you want my honest advice-"

"Which no one did, by the way," Nero quips.

Weiss nails him (with his eyes, people). "Just tell the boy already. He'll find out eventually. Best to get it over with."

"But he'll hate me, Weiss." I cling to the pillow; it's the color of Cloud's eyes, much to my sadness. "I don't want him to hate me."

"Well, what do you want happening?"

"Cloud and I get married, adopt two children and live happily ever after on a Chocobo farm. With a dog. "

They both kind of blink at me. "Okay, realistic ideal situation."

"Uhm… Cloud never finds out and I graduate without him hating me."

Weiss and Nero look at each other. "Not happening," they say in unison. I throw the pillow at them. Those pillows are called throw pillows just because they're so easy to throw at evil conniving uncles who enjoy making me cry.

"You guys are dickweeds!"

I left Weiss and Nero's feeling more horrible than I did. Oh well, Aeris will be nicer, I suppose. If I ever tell her about this travesty of a romance, which I will eventually.

When I come back, Cloud's pacing and Tifa's gone. He looks kind of… Panicked? Maybe? I don't know. Scared sounds a bit better.

"Cloud? What's up? Is there something wrong?"

He looks at me. He looks like hell. "Y-You… You… All this time…"

"Cloud. Cloud, look at me. What's wrong?"

"You've been queer for me." Those words sting. I'm not talking, like, a little bee sting. I'm talking a thousand hornets concentrating all their efforts onto one point in my chest. "You've been homo for me, this whole time, I never knew…"

"Cloud…"

"I'll bet you've even been feeling me up while I was sleeping! You probably raped me! You sick freak!"

"Cloud! No! Listen to me, I would never…" I try to reason with him, walking towards him. Big mistake.

"Don't fucking touch me! I'm getting a new room mate, that's it!"

"Cloud, don't do this…"

"Good bye, Zack Fair. I hope you burn in hell."

Then he slams the door. I feel completely numb inside as I pull out my cell phone and hit speed dial.

"Aeris… Could you come over? He just… He told me that he's gonna get a new roommate. He hates me. Could you just come over? Please?"

"Sure," She says. "Just wait a sec. I need to make a quick phone call."

Several miles away, Aeris Gainsborough called up the Junon University Housing Advisor. "Hello, this is Aeris Gainsborough. Do you know the boy in dorm 110? … Yes, I know you probably hear about him a lot. Listen to me; if I pay you 200 gil, would you mind telling Cloud Strife he can't switch rooms? … Thank you very much." She hung up the phone.

Ouch... Cloud... Bad words, man... As BK is saying into my ears, "Bad form, bad bad bad..." In blatant plagarism of archy the cockroach's gin & sin. GO READ IT!!