Dear Konoha girls (or should it be girls of Konoha?):
You might think it strange to get a letter from me, but I've been told that in order to change for the better, I need to address my anger problems. Part of that is to make a list of wrong doings and make amends where possible. Thus this letter.
Since this letter is going out to all of you, and I don't want to copy it over and over again, I'm just writing this one to all of you.
First, I apologize for attacking your village. This one has been covered in other letters, but needed to be said anyway. I was ordered to attack and I did. The guy who did the ordering was an imposter. I've already apologized for not recognizing the switch. All other apologies stemming from this attack (like damages to the land) were covered in my letter to your Hokage.
I'm going to try and go in order.
1. I apologize to the pink-haired girl for being rude to her when first introduced.
2. I'm sorry that I don't remember Pinky's real name.
o.o.o.o.o
11. I'm sorry that I knocked Pinky out during my fight with Sasuke and Naruto.
12. I apologize again for remembering their names and not hers. But hey, if she failed to make an impression, that is not technically my fault. Right?
o.o.o.o.o
27. I apologize for using my 'sand eye' jutsu to spy on her in the ladies bath.
28. I'm sorry for taking you hostage during my fight with Naruto, but you were easy pickings really. And you kept nicely quiet, it kept me from having to split my attention. My sister could have done better. Kankuro too, maybe.
29. I'm sorry for fondling you with my sand while you were caught in my 'giant' sand claw hand thingy. Hey, it was right there! Kind of hard to ignore. And you're curvier than your clothes let on. Have you thought about a new uniform?
o.o.o.o.o
42. I'm sorry for all the awful names I called you behind your back. Although why I need to apologize for something you didn't even hear is beyond me, but my brother insists that I should.
43. I'm sorry for telling everyone I met that you were a lousy lay. I really don't have an excuse for that one. Said it mostly for the shock value, especially when I told this one woman who turned out to be your mother.
44. I'm sorry I called your mother ugly names, but at least it was mostly to her face.
45. I'm sorry that I used my sand to later sneak a peek at your mother at the bathhouse. And trust me, she should be the one apologizing. Nearly made me want to tear out my eyes.
46. Okay, next. I'm sorry to the girl with the buns on her head for not remembering her name. I called her Lea the whole time I was there, but it wasn't meant badly. I liked Star Wars.
47. I'm sorry that the Emperor from Star Wars was my hero and role model. I'm sorry he died. He had such potential.
o.o.o.o.o
69. I'm sorry that I have no need to apologize to you for watching you in the bath house. You weren't interesting enough.
70. I'm sorry that I DID fondle you with my sand while you were asleep in the Forest of Death part of our exams. But it was because of that, that I decided you weren't worth peeking at when I went to the bath house.
71. I don't think I have to apologize that I didn't find you attractive, do I?
o.o.o.o.o
94. I will apologize for being disappointed that Lee saved you from dying or serious injury after you lost that battle to my sister, Temari. I was all for a little entertaining bloodshed at that point, I was getting bored.
95. I'm sorry that the thought of your shedding blood entertained me.
96. I'm sorry that I contemplated murdering you later since Temari failed to do so. But my fight with Lee made me forget all about you.
97. I'm sorry that I forgot all about you. But since it probably saved your life, that's good right?
98. At least I don't have to apologize to blonde Inna for forgetting her name. I even remember one of her teammates name, although Shikamaru's is one I'd like to forget. Stupid sister and her promises.
99. I apologize for all the sexual jokes I thought up based on you. But I didn't have any friends to share them with, so it didn't really matter. But I'll apologize anyway just in case this still counts.
100. I apologize for all the sexual fantasies I thought about based on you and the purple-haired girl. Some with me with you either separately or together. Mostly of the two of you together in a naked fight with whipped cream and chocolate.
101. I'm sorry for not listing each fantasy about you individually, but I don't have that much time or paper.
o.o.o.o.o
126. I apologize for spying on you at the bath house. Often. Over and over. Especially when you bent over to grab your towel that kept falling.
127. I apologize for using my control over sand to tug your towel down over and over. And over and over. And over …well, you get the picture. Don't worry though, I did it to the purple haired chick too.
o.o.o.o.o
141. I apologize for fondling you with my sand while you slept in the Forest of Death. And in your home. And during the cat nap you took on the hillside. And while you were distracted during those shopping trips. And …well, pretty much everywhere. Didn't you ever wonder where all that sand in your underwear was coming from? I mean, really!
142. If you want a more personal apology, you are welcome at Suna anytime. Seriously. Come anytime. I'll even try to behave. It'll be hard, but I'll try. Bring the purple hair girl if you want, but Lea has to stay behind.
143. I apologize for not wanting Lea to visit. She can visit Kankuro if she'd like, I guess. She wouldn't have to worry about me at all. Not at all.
144. I apologize to the purple haired girl for all the above mentioned items in which she was mentioned.
145. I apologize for fondling the purple girl too. Often. At length.
146. I apologize for all the pleasure I got from doing these things to you and Inna. And that's a LOT.
147. I apologize for using up all the clean linen at the bathhouse. Several times.
o.o.o.o.o
173. I apologize for only remembering the color of purple girl's hair. Not that I ever saw her FACE. Ooops. I have to apologize for that too.
174. I apologize for telling Naruto that the purple girl was into other girls. I didn't want him to like her. In fact, I did tell him that Lea was really hot in bed.
175. I apologize to bun girl (Lea) for telling Naruto she was hot in bed. Don't worry, I'll apologize to him later for telling that lie. I just wanted him to look at her, not the other girls.
Anyway, I'm sure there's more, but I'm being called to supper. I'm rushing this off tonight. Hope this letter finds you all well. There, see, I can be gracious.
As for amends? Well, how about a weeks paid vacation for each of you to Sunny Suna? Accomodations included. Lots of fun and sun. Oh, and I guess you can invite Lea too, you know - the girl with the bun head.
Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand