Greetings Orochimaru:

Note, I didn't say 'dear', because calling you that just seems fucking weird. To answer your question, Yes - I was extremely surprised and pleased to receive your letter. But not really for the reasons you may be thinking. See, I just needed Sasuke's address and no one seemed to have it except for you. And here I get a letter from you! Sheer good luck.

On the other hand. To answer your other question. No fucking way. Yes, I do agree that you did me a favor by killing my father. And the old coots who advised him were no friends of mine. Yet, you cheated me out of the chance to do him in myself. I just can't forgive that actually.

So no, I will not be joining you and the others you have collected. I will not join forces with you and hold your hand throughout the long winter nights. Actually, I know you didn't ask that one, but dude …I can read between the lines.

So. Thank you for Sasuke's address. As for the rest, fuck off.

Never more sincere than now,

Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

Fuck you Orochimaru:

I just sent the response to your letter off only three hours ago. And now I've had time to sit down and really think. No, I haven't changed my mind. And no I will never hold your hand, so get over it.

But. I have been involved lately in a program designed to deal with my 'anger issues'. I've been making a list of those I've wronged and attempting to make some sort of amends, but only where it doesn't cause harm. I didn't even think about you being on my list until I got your letter. I suppose I do owe you one, so saying that, here goes:

1. I apologize for the rather curt way I told you 'no' in my previous letter. I still mean 'no', but I could have been nicer about it I suppose.

2. I apologize for being jealous that you were the one to kill my father rather than me. Petty thing to be sure, but I really wanted to do it myself.

3. I apologize for writing 'fuck you' in the salutation part of this letter. I'm trying to deal with my anger issues, but it's a work in progress.

o.o.o.o.o

17. I'm sorry that I ruined your plan in regards to the Uchiha. Although, since he came to you anyway, I don't see that this is a huge problem.

18. I'm sorry that I've changed enough to see that I don't want to murder and cause mayhem for no good reason. (Note: For a good reason I can still be talked into it though).

19. I apologize that I don't find the reasoning of revenge a good enough reason to destroy the Leaf Village. If it were for MY revenge, I might reconsider. But to avenge you, when you were the one to leave them …that's just stupid.

20. I apologize for calling your lust for the destruction of your former home to be 'stupid'. But, dude, it really is you know.

o.o.o.o.o

33. Oh, yeah. I nearly forgot. I'm sorry for murdering that sound ninja of yours. Doza, Dosu, oh shit … I'm sorry that I'm really bad with names. Once I kill them, I don't see the point in remembering their names.

34. I'm sorry your sound ninja were so weak to begin with. "A sound and fury signifying ….nothing." Hey! I made a literary quote! Get it? Sound??? Sound ninjas???? And they died …so they came to nothing! Did you know my sister would be shocked? She didn't even know I could read or write beyond the first grade level. That's because I was asked not to return to school after I killed my first grade teacher, well all three of them really. And their aides. Shit, now I have to go and add that to my council apology letter. Shit.

o.o.o.o.o

41. I apologize for insinuating you were gay in my previous letter. But dude, if you're not, you need to rethink the whole wardrobe and make-up scheme. I told Kankuro the same thing just last night, so don't feel bad.

Anyway, I think that's it. And you're lucky really, only 41 items, that's pretty could considering how much I really don't like you.

And this letter alone stands for any 'amends' you might want from me. Because that's all I feel you deserve. I'm sorry that I feel that way, but you really did screw me up by killing off my father like that. I was saving his torturous death for a special occasion.

Still Sincere,

Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

Gaara winced and flexed his fingers. Too bad he'd scared off all the potential secretaries, they couldn't all be as stupid as the last one, could they?

Killer whined and licked Gaara's foot. The sand demon vessel smiled and petted the Chihuahua puppy.

"Gaara!" Temari's voice made Killer whimper and hide between Gaara's feet.

"In here!"

Temari came through the door holding an oddly wrapped package and a letter. "This was left for you at the front gates."

Curious, Gaara reached for the letter as Killer started sniffing the air and crawled out from beneath his feet.

"Hmmm…. It's from some girl at Konoha. Curious, I would have expected a reply from the Hokage first." Gaara mused as he slit open the letter. "I did write to Tsunade first."

Temari shrugged, pushing away Killer with one foot as he tried to climb her leg to get to the package she was holding. "Maybe she was away, or working on 'Hokage stuff', who cares. Who's this one from?"

Gaara shrugged. "Some girl named TenTen. I don't recognize that name. Do you?"

His sister shook her head. "No, all their girls were so weak and all I didn't even bother."

Gaara looked up from the letter to look at her. "Maybe you need to write them an apology letter."

Temari laughed, "No, I'll leave that to you. I'm not the one with anger issues."

Gaara wasn't so sure about that, but shrugged it off. "Hey! This bitch is not very nice!"

"What does she say?"

Gaara tossed the letter into the air and ripped it to shreds with whirls of sand. "She called me all sorts of vile names. And even said that I had to be gay! Can you imagine? Then she called me a fucking pervert with a death wish. Now, how can I be gay and a woman-fondling pervert? Does that even make sense."

Temari's jaw dropped. "She called you all that and you've never even met her?"

Gaara shrugged. "Maybe she was jealous that she didn't get a chance to meet me."

Kankuro walked in eating a slice of red velvet cake. "What's that?" He mumbled around the crumbs, pointing at the box Temari still held. Killer was bouncing up and down like a child's toy trying to get the box from her.

"Dunno." She put it down and opened it.

All three stared inside as Killer tried to climb inside.

Gaara reached down and picked up the puppy and put it outside the room, closing the door. "He doesn't need to see anything like that, he's still a child."

Kankuro groaned, putting down the rest of his cake as his stomach rebelled. "A puppy, Gaara, is not a child. And what the fuck is that thing?"

Temari was poking at it with her kunai. "I think it's a mutilated raccoon-dog. And it's been very nastily castrated too. A message perhaps?"

Gaara scowled. "Kankuro, do you remember a Konoha chick named TenTen?"

Kankuro swallowed the bile in his throat as he looked away from the bloody carcass in the box, the red velvet cake hadn't been such a good idea after all. He nodded, "Sure. She was that weapons chick that Temari whomped in the pre-lim rounds. The one with twin buns in her hair."

"Oh!" Temari and Gaara's eyes both widened.

"That explains the weapons sticking out of every orifice." Temari nodded, satisfied.

"Lea." Gaara nodded. "I couldn't remember her real name." He sighed. "Well, I won't go seeking revenge, but she's not getting any 'amends' from me that's for damn sure."

Kankuro and Temari both nodded as she boxed the poor carcass back up again for disposal. "It really stinks now, I wonder why it didn't before?"

Gaara shrugged. "Probably some sort of jutsu, who knows? By the way, Kankuro?"

His brother looked over at him, holding his nose from the smell.

"Why do you remember this chick when neither of us did? And Temari even fought her and everything."

Kankuro shrugged. "She had a nice ass."

Gaara rolled his eyes. "And she called ME a pervert. Women."