Ch 3 I'm Gonna Find Another You

Disclaimer: I don't own it, nor do I claim to own it. If I did own it though, you would know! I do, however own Penny. She is a creation of my own warped imagination and I would appreciate it if you didn't steal her. Being from a warped mind, she needs to be handled with care.

A/N: I chose to handle Rikki the way I did in this chapter, because TPTB wrote her in such a way that it made it really easy for people to hate her and deem her the bad guy. I just wanted to humanize her a bit here.

A/N 2: I just want to give a huge shout out to DKM and Shelbers for all their guidance and things to consider in my developing Penny. You two totally rock!

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

-John Mayer "I'm Gonna Find Another You"

Walking into her apartment, Danny noticed boxes, a lot of them. Some of the boxes were packed and labeled while others were only partially filled or were still waiting to be filled. The bare walls and abundance of boxes spoke of a woman leaving the place of her loneliness, heartache, depression, regret and anger for a fresh start.

"You're moving," he stated unnecessarily.

"Yeah, my grandmother broke her hip a while back. I'm moving up to Connecticut to help my mom and sister take care of her."

"I'm sorry to hear that; about your grandma, I mean," he paused before continuing, "I'm not sorry you're going up there to help your sister out, but I am…shit, this isn't coming out like I'd planned," he blew out a frustrated breath.

"It's okay, Danny; I understand."

"Good. Listen, about what happened, what we did…"

"It was a mistake," she finished for him.

"Yeah, but it's my fault. I started the whole thing."

"Danny, what happened wasn't your fault. None of it was. Ruben's death wasn't your fault. That was an unfortunate accident. Our sleeping together wasn't your fault either. I didn't have to sleep with you, but I made the conscious choice to do so. I slept with you for purely selfish reasons. I didn't want to be alone anymore than you did, and I took advantage of that. I'm sorry for that."

"I didn't have to be alone then. I could have had her there, with me, where she belongs," he muttered quietly, taking a sudden interest in his feet.

"Who could have been there with you? Lindsay? I thought the two of you broke up."

"I never implicitly said that we'd broken up," Danny defended himself, starting to feel like even more of an ass for allowing Rikki to believe that when he knew damn well it was his fault Lindsay wasn't there with him. She would have been there in a heartbeat if he'd just told her he needed her that much he was sure of.

"Don't rationalize this Danny. You lied to me about Lindsay. Sure, you didn't tell me implicitly that the two of you broke up, but you didn't correct me either when I made the assumption that you did. You just told me it was for the best. You lied by omission," she scolded gently, but firmly.

"You're right. Lindsay's right too. I lied to you both. I swore I'd never hurt her and now she hates me. She doesn't believe a word I tell her now."

"So, she knows about this?"

"Yeah, I told her this evening. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was lying to her. I wanted to get this off my chest so we can start over."

"So you wanted her to know this hoping that you could start over with a clean slate? Only now that she knows, she doesn't believe a thing you tell her," seeing how much Danny had let his guilt over Ruben's death affect his life, Rikki found herself getting a bit angry with the detective.

"She thinks everything I say to her is a lie, that everything I've ever said was a lie. She told me that when I went to Montana to be there when she needed someone to be there for her and her alone, was only about taking advantage of her emotions to be with her, that I didn't care the way I said I did and only wanted sex, and she says this is the same thing," Danny blew out a breath and waited for Rikki to respond.

"Is she right? I know we had sex for comfort. But with her, was she right about it? Did you have genuine feelings beyond pity for her, or did you just want to make her feel better?"

Danny just stared at the woman across from him as she wrapped plates and put them in a box. "No! I do care for her! Hell, I love her even! It's just that…well; Lindsay doesn't trust a lot of people. It took me over a year to get her to let me in, and now…"

"Then you need to talk to her."

"I tried that! She told me to leave. She's convinced that I've just used her the way I used you."

"Maybe it's time to really evaluate you feelings for her Danny. Look at the facts as they are now. You don't respect her…" seeing him getting ready to interrupt, "let me finish. You may think you respect her, but you don't show that by your actions. You cheated on her and then lied to her. That doesn't point towards respecting her."

"I've never been in a relationship like this before and it scares the hell out of me," Danny admitted for reasons even he didn't understand.

"Maybe that's why you sabotaged it," Came Rikki's matter-of-fact response.

"Sabotaged it?"

"Yeah, you lied to her about cheating on her. You confessed to cheating on her and lying about it. You cheated on her in the first place. What part of that says that you really care about her feelings?"

"I'm not very good at this emotional stuff, Rikki! I don't do candy, flowers, anniversaries and birthdays. Lindsay knows all that."

"That's still no excuse Danny. Not being good with emotional stuff is no excuse to lie to your girlfriend, cheat on her, neglect her and then you expect her to just start over? Danny, ever since my son died, you sent yourself hurtling down a self-destructive path riddled with guilt, depression, angst and general self-loathing. Frankly it's starting to really piss me the hell off!"

Her last statement was like a bucket of ice being thrown over his head. Did she really just say she was upset with him? What happened to it wasn't his fault?

Seeing him thinking this over, she quickly supplied her reasoning. " My son died Danny! I'll never get to see Ruben celebrate another birthday! I'll never have another parent/teacher conference or get to read another one of his report cards! I'll never get to scold him for being rambunctious in the house and knocking things over! I'll never see him grow up, graduate high school and college. I'll never see him get married or become a father. All of that has been taken away from me, but look at me," Needing another moment to collect herself before continuing she drew in a few shaky breathes before continuing. "Look at me Danny. I won't get to see any of that. Nothing in my life is ever going to be the same, but I'm trying to move on! He's my son, and yet you are the one that's letting your emotions takes control of your life! You aren't making the decisions anymore, Danny! My child died, and yet you are the one that's self destructing," she finished, the wind having been taken out of her sails.

Danny just stood there, pondering what she'd said. Was he really that blinded by his emotions? Has he really been grieving more outwardly than her?

"I know I takes two to tango here Danny. I was wrong in sleeping with you for comfort. I know now that the pain didn't go away; it just got pushed aside for a few minutes; like I was getting my fix. In all that I hurt an innocent person and so did you. Lindsay didn't ask to be hurt in any of this," her voice taking on a tone laced with sympathy for the other woman.

"Okay, now what?"

"Now, I finish packing and you go home and try to get some sleep; you look like you could use it," she joked lightly, hoping to lighten the mood a bit.

"What about Ruben?"

"What about Ruben, Danny? He's another angel in heaven now watching over us. You have to figure out a way to accept that his death was not your fault and then you need to figure out a way to put your life back together. The mess you've made of your life Danny, that is your fault, no one else's."

"I'm sorry…for everything."

"Okay, first off, you need to stop saying you're sorry. You really want to make all this up to me?" Danny nodded in response. "Start putting your life back together. You're a very sweet man Danny, don't let that get lost in all your grief."

"I better go."

"Yeah, you better, I have a lot of packing to do and you have a lot of thinking to do."

"Goodbye Rikki."

"Goodbye Danny."

"Come on, answer the phone," Lindsay practically pleaded as she listened to the fourth ring. Right now, she was in desperate need of some perspective on things. Her mind was so muddled, that she could hardly think straight. In those times, she often turned to her best friend from college, Penny.

"B.F.F Lost and Found. Long lost B.F.F at your service," the woman answered, twirling a lock of hair around her finger and swirling back and forth on a desk chair.

"Hey Penny. I know it's been while," she answered a bit somberly.

"Uh oh. Something's wrong. It's that guy isn't it," Penny always had a great intuition about her.

"Danny, that's his name."

"Right, Danny. So, what about Danny has you so down?"

"Everything. Nothing. I don't know," she answered grabbing a pint of Chunky Monkey out of the freezer and plopping herself down on her bed.

"I don't believe it. If you felt the need to call your personal relationship guru you must have an idea of what's wrong. Now tell me, did he do something? Has he gone all emo on you; because let's face it hon, you and emo don't mix."

"Relationship guru my ass," Lindsay muttered around a spoonful of ice cream, loud enough for her friend to hear, "when was the last time you even had a one night stand, let alone a real relationship?"

"Well, Lin, I'll have you know that I met a very nice man named Jacob Quimby at my last art showing," the raven haired woman informed, sounding awful proud of herself.

"And how was the last showing? Is the gallery still going well," Lindsay prodded, not really sure if she wanted to talk about Danny anymore when this was a much more enjoyable topic.

"I sold nine pieces last showing! The gallery is going great, I'm really happy I decided to do this. But you didn't call to talk about me, so tell me, what happened with Danny?"

Lindsay sighed, she should have known better to hope that her friend wouldn't bring up the original reason for her call, "Remember back in December, when I told you about the neighbor boy of his getting killed?"

"Yeah, you said they were pretty close."

"From what I understand, they were. When Danny found out that he'd been killed, he changed."

"Grieving Lin, that's what it was. You know more about loss, trauma and grieving than anyone should have a right to."

"No, no, I know that. This wasn't just grieving though. He felt guilty. I understand that too, so don't start with me on that Pen, but it was different. He started to spend all his time with the mother, Rikki," Lindsay cringed when she said her name. Apparently, Penny heard the cringe over the line.

"I'm not going to like where you're going with this, am I?"

"He forgot my birthday. Now it's not like that's some huge deal or anything, but he blew it off and said guys didn't remember stuff like that. They remembered sports stats and steak sides."

"Asshole."

"That's not the worst of it. I know he's been really upset over everything lately, and has needed his space to grieve, so I gave it to him. Well, a few days ago, Stella's apartment caught fire and burned down. It was arson so the whole team was at the scene," Lindsay paused for breath allowing the other woman to jump in with the end of the sentence.

"Except for Danny."

"Right. He had the night off, and was working the afternoon shift the next day. He's been working a lot of overtime, I guess to make up to Mac for blowing off work the day Rikki stole his gun."

"She did WHAT?"

"She stole his gun to go after the person she felt was responsible for her son's death. Instead of calling it in, Danny took it upon himself to go after her himself. In short order, his best friend found him while he was still looking for her, and then he found him again after Danny had found Rikki. She'd found who she wanted to and had the gun pointed at him. Danny got her to give it to him, and he took her…somewhere to get her calmed down before he brought her into the station," she explained the story as quickly as possible to keep her mind from wandering into places she didn't need it to go about that day.

"Isn't it a standard thing to arrest someone on the spot for that?"

"It is."

"How long were they gone before he brought her in," Penny definitely didn't like where this was going.

"About an hour, is what Flack told me."

"That's a big gap. What did he say happened in that hour?"

"That's just it, Penny, I don't know what happened! Although, given what he told me a little while ago, I think I have an idea," Lindsay's voice broke at the end.

"What did he tell you?"

"He's been trying to get me to talk to him since Stella's apartment burned down, but until tonight I didn't want to. I had a bad feeling about it, and I just couldn't deal with it then. You see, that day, I called him up and invited him to lunch. He said he'd had some errands to run and couldn't do it. I had a feeling something wasn't right, but he said he was fine and would see me later, so I let it slide." Steeling herself to actually say the words, Lindsay took several slow deep breaths and then just said it, "Well, he tried to act like everything was fine up until the next afternoon and when I more or less ignored him that day, he acted like I was the problem! He even asked me if this was about the birthday or him not feeling like going to lunch the previous day. I didn't know what else to do, so I laid it all out on the table, I told him how I felt," she finished on a defeated sigh.

"And how do you feel," Penny hadn't even met this Danny guy, but already she had the urge to slap him for making her friend feel like this. She and Lindsay had a lot in common as far as how they related to other people and being labeled outcasts by other teenagers, and she always tried to protect Lindsay from people who treated her like that, and Lindsay had done the same for her.

"I told him I'd fallen in love with him, and now I had to figure out how to let that go."

"That's a big step for you Lin. You never let your emotions get involved in your relationships. What did he say when you told him?"

"Nothing. He just stared like he couldn't believe what I had said. He didn't even acknowledge it at all. He just sat there and kept his mouth shut," she angrily swiped at the lone tear rolling down her cheek.

"I see. What happened this evening?"

"He came over and blurted out that he'd slept with Rikki and that he was sorry and could I forgive him so we could start over."

"You should dump him," Penny stated matter-of-factly holding the end of a rubber chicken shaped pen between her teeth as she stared at the different painted tiles that made up the ceiling in her home office, still swiveling in the chair. Back and forth. Back and forth.

"Penny, I don't want to break up with him," Lindsay half whined, at her friends' completely unhelpful advice. She knew this was how the conversation would go, but still she called. She must really love Penny to put up with this.

"Then forgive him," another matter-of-fact answer.

"You're absolutely no help, you know that?"

"That's my job," she laughed. "In all seriousness though, I can't solve this for you. I'm not in your head, and for that I am eternally grateful, and I don't know this Danny guy or the specifics of the situation, but you do."

"First off, I resent that! Inside my head is not a scary place to be," Lindsay sat up and tossed the empty ice cream container in the trashcan, "secondly, I know you don't know him, why do you think I need your advice?" The two women always did this when they talked, they always had. Subtly poking fun at each other and joking served to cut the tension sometimes.

"Remember Princess Pickle Bunny?"

"It was the end of finals week, and there was tequila involved," the two women shared a laugh over that particular college exploit.

"Seriously though, Penny. What should I do here? I know I'm in love with him, but I just don't know if I can move past this."

"Take you time. Be honest with him. Tell him exactly what you're thinking and what you need him to do if he wants half a chance of ever being with you again."

"That's just it though. I'm afraid if I'm honest with him about what I'm thinking right now, he'll just say forget it and move on to someone less difficult," Lindsay let out an exasperated sigh as she threw her pillows on the floor, in an effort to find the remote control.

"Okay, you are not a difficult person Lindsay Monroe; at least not any more difficult than yours truly, and if he can't take the honesty from you and be honest with you, than maybe he doesn't deserve the wonderfulness that is you," Lindsay's eccentric friend declared, trading her pen for a slinky.

"You're the most difficult person I know, but I guess you do have a point. I just don't know if it's worth the possible heartache to tell him what I'm feeling right now,"

"Well that depends on what you're feeling right now."

"I feel like he still isn't being completely honest with me. He said that they had an emotional connection before they slept together, and he copped to that one time, but I feel like this wasn't just a one-time thing like he says. It's just, lately with how Danny's been, not caring about anyone or anything beyond his own guilt, grief and remorse and making Rikki feel better, and I think even more it's about making himself feel better. I don't know what to think anymore.

Leaning back in her chair and making imaginary shapes out of the purple and green dots on one tile, "let me ask you something then. If you don't tell him how you're feeling, would you be able to get back with him without knowing the answer to that question or would it always be there a nagging doubt in the back of your head?"

Worrying her lip for a minute, Lindsay pondered the thought. Could she live with that? If she forgave Danny without knowing, every time they had sex, would she wonder if he'd made her scream his name that many times? Would she wonder if he whispered sweet nothings in Italian as she came back to earth? Realizing her answer she confidently said, "No. I can't be with him if I still have doubts or questions."

"Okay, then let me ask you something else," Now she held the tip of her cherry and black colored glasses against her lip as she spoke, "if you ask the question and he answers it, would you be able to get back with him, even if the answer is that he has slept with her more than once?"

She hated Penny sometimes. She always asked the hard questions that Lindsay didn't seem to have the confidence to approach. "I don't know," she finally decided after a few moments of hard thinking.

"Well, I think that sets out what you need to do a lot clearer don't you?"

"Not really. I'm still in the same place I was an hour ago when I called you."

"What place is that," Penny genuinely felt for her friend. She would like nothing more than to be able to drive out from Boston, but she simply had too much that needed to be done, and she didn't want to rush a visit with Lindsay. It had been far to long since they'd seen each other and they had a lot of catching up to do. No, that visit would have to wait.

Lindsay answering the question broke into her thoughts, "Confused, sad, lonely. I don't know what to do now. I've never been in love before, and the first time it happens, the guy's response is that he cheated on me. My life is just some huge cosmic joke, isn't it?"

From the tone in her voice, Penny could almost visualize Lindsay sitting there feeling very put out with the world right now. "Okay, so you laid your heart out there and he essentially walked on it. What do you think you should do now?"

"Never let myself fall for anyone again."

"Well," Penny hadn't wanted to hear that answer, but knowing how insecure Lindsay could really be despite the font she put up for the world at large, she had expected it was a possibility, "you could do that, I guess, but some facts still remain what they are now Lindsay."

"What facts are those?"

"You've fallen in love with him. That's a fact. You've admitted it to yourself, to him, and to me. That isn't something that's just going to go away. It is what it is. The question is, what are you going to do with it?"

"I told him I had to figure out how to let that go, and I guess that now I really do."

"Yes, you could, but you could also hear him out. Ask any questions you can think of. Tell him the things you want him to know. If you're angry with him, tell him. If you hate what he's done, tell him. If you've felt completely alone and disvalued in this relationship while he's off frolicking with the grieving mother, tell him. You think about what it would take to salvage at least your friendship, and if there is any hope of building up something more, and then you tell him that as well. Listen to what he has to say, and don't kill him if you don't like the answers. Remember Lin, you're in New York, the greatest city in the world and there are oodles of potential guys out there, but you owe it to yourself to see if this one has any potential to work before you write him off. Don't work on getting things back on track from where you were at, but work on starting fresh from where you are at right now."

"Thanks Penny. You really are a great friend. I'm glad I called you. I think I have a better idea of where to go from here," Lindsay spoke with the smile coming through the line loud and clear.

"No problem toots. It's all part of the B.F.F. service. Now you should be receiving your therapy bill in the mail in seven to ten business days. I take cash, checks and all major credit cards; but I get to keep the credit card."

"Good night, Penny," Lindsay said with a chuckle as she situated herself under the purple duvet.

"Toodles," Penny chirped as she spun around in her chair before hanging up the phone.

Lindsay stared at the phone for a moment before turning off the light. Yes, Penny certainly was one of a kind. Perhaps that's why Lindsay liked her so much. The two women seemed so opposite of each other, yet when you put them together, they fit perfectly, like two puzzle pieces. Maybe Penny was right about her advice. Lindsay decided she would think more on it tomorrow. For now, she needed sleep. A good night's rest might help her put this in perspective.