Thursday 19th March

8st 5 (covering non-existent muscles in fat duvet), happy thoughts: 1 (V. good.), status of Harry Potter: still converting oxygen to carbon dioxide (not so good), status of death eaters: alive. All of them. (Also not so good. Oh, no. Wait. They are on my team. Right. V. good.), cigarettes: 0 (should definitely pick this habit up. Seems to me that people who smoke have much lower stress levels. Down side is the cancer and the blood coughing. Shall weigh up options.)

9.12 am

Decided should get up. Evil waits for no man. And all that.

Rolled over, ready to get out of nice, warm, comfy bed; and realised there was frost on my bedside bottle of water (hydration is key to nice skin, don't you know).

Hate this house.

With it's cold draughts and ice on unsuspecting water bottles.

Will die of frooziness.

Went back to sleep.

Evil can wait.

Am Voldemort.

Will wait for me.

9.15 am

Realised is Annual March Battle Between Good and Evil tomorrow.

Dammit.

Means I must get up.

Hate my life.

Why am I evil again?

9.16am

Oh. Right.

Muggles and mudbloods polluting the world with their filth and all that.

Must get rid of them for a pure world and so on.

Why does that remind me of something?

Right.

Am evil for a reason.

Getting up now.

9.17am

Or maybe in an hour or so.

9.18am

Is very tiring being an evil overlord type figure.

9.19am

Am going to sleep now.

So tired.

11.52am

Satin sheets are crackling.

Is bloody freezing.

Called Wormtail to ask if we have those marvellous Muggle contraptions called the hot water bottle.

Told him to bring it to me now.

Hate the cold.

Swear bones will crack.

11.56am

Wormtail taking much longer than necessary.

Need hot water bottle now, not after the apocalypse.

Feel overwhelming sensation of hatred for all moving things that are NOT BRINGING ME MY HOT WATER BOTTLE.

11.57am

Wormtail came in all bowing and bloody annoying.

Bloody sycophant (still love saying that).

Saw he was NOT HOLDING MY HOT WATER BOTTLE.

Crucio-ed him.

Felt better.

Still felt cold.

Had unhappy thoughts.

Ordered Wormtail to explain lack of hot water bottle.

He told me that we did not OWN hot water bottles.

This is a sad and unhappy development.

Briefly considered killing myself.

11.59am

Realised the irony of having spent so much time and effort on becoming, for the sake of suicide and murder, immortal.

12.01pm

Hate irony.

12.02pm

Come to think of it, hate a lot of things.

Will make a list of things I hate to amuse myself whilst Wormtail brings me a hot water bottle so that I may unthaw my nose hairs.

12.03pm

Realised do not even have a nose.

That is v. v. disconcerting.

List of things I hate (by Voldemort):

Irony. When it concerns me and I don't like it. Come to think of it, don't mind irony when am having a dashing good time using it against someone. For example, killing someone when they said they were going to kill me for…well…they try to kill me for a lot of things. Am not exactly popular.

Logic. When not in my favour.

Wormtail. He is a disgusting almost-human. Only worthy of my squishing him. Oh, and bringing me things. I suppose that's alright.

Lucius Malfoy. Just bloody hate him and his stupid long hair and his stupid pimp cane.

Draco Malfoy. Honestly. Gave him so many chances and he still didn't manage to kill Dumbledore. (I mean really, two chances! That's more than I ever gave…well, anyone.). But still. Is very pretty boy. Will forgive him. And I don't forgive very easily.

Dumbledore. Am glad he is dead. Took long enough though. He was bloody ancient. Hated his stupid calling me Tom. (And the repeating. Honestly, at one point wanted to bash him over the head with the tea-kettle when he started going "Tom, Tom, Tom. You are not a killer!" (am though) "Tom, Tom, Tom, you must give up this quest for evil!" and then he went on, and on, and on… was very distressing what with having to get out to do my homework at the time) As though that made him brave. No, he is just v. stupid and doesn't understand things because he is v. stupid.

Snape. He thinks I do not realise his double crossing ways but I do. Am not the world's greatest leglimens for nothing, you know.

Harry Potter. Should really have put him at the top of the list, for appearances sake, but cannot be bothered moving him. Hate him and his stupid glasses and stupid scar (I gave him that! Oh. You would know though) and his stupid messy hair (honestly, how much effort does it take to grab a brush? Or just shave it off.) Oh, and his stupid ability to stay alive. And also hate the fact that he is probably out there laughing with his stupid bloody mates (wish I had friends) about how I cannot KILL HIM. Hate him and his laughing ways.