Ch 5 You've Got A Friend

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI:NY or any of it's characters.

When you're down and troubled

And you need a helping hand

And nothing, whoa nothing is going right

Close your eyes and think of me

And soon I will be there

To brighten up even your darkest nights

-James Taylor "You've Got A Friend

It was official, she wasn't going to be getting anything done today. Lindsay had been at work for over two hours, and it seemed that all the murderers in the city had declared this particular rainy Friday a murder free holiday. That being the case, Lindsay was stuck at her desk catching up on the mountain of paperwork, that seemed to be growing faster than a rabbit population.

"What's the use," she grumbled running a hand through her short, brown locks as she watched the rain outside her window. Today, it was one month since her break up with Danny. She knew working with him would be difficult in the beginning, but she hoped that they would soon fall into some sort of routine, and they had, but working with him only seemed to get harder instead of easier as time went on. She knew that the situation with Danny was affecting her, but she hoped that no one had noticed. That hope was blown straight to hell when Mac called her into his office at the end of shift a couple days ago.

"You wanted to see me," she asked quietly as she peeked her head into his office where he was doing paperwork.

"Have a seat Lindsay," he gestured to a chair in front of him and set his paperwork aside in a neat pile, before coming around to sit on the edge of his desk in front of her. "I'm worried about you," he began.

"Mac, I'm fine."

"No Lindsay, you're not fine. Something is bothering you, and I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help?"

His concern was touching and it caught her off guard slightly. Recovering quickly, she plastered on a fake smile and replied, "It's just been a particularly stressful few weeks is all. Really, I'm okay."

Keeping his expression neutral, her superior nodded thoughtfully as he formulated his response, "do you think you're starting to get burnt out by all the work? I know you've been doing this line of work for over five years and you've also been putting in a lot of overtime lately. Maybe it's time you took a break for a bit; went out to Colorado to visit your brother and Mom for a few weeks. I bet they'd love to see you."

"Mac, I appreciate your concern, really, but I'm not suffering from burn out. My life is just a bit stressful and the cases have been kind of weird, you have to admit, and I guess focusing hasn't been my strongest suit lately," she finished, noticing that her quip about the cases had Mac smiling slightly.

"I see your point. The cases have been a bit bizarre lately. I don't mean to pry, but does the stress in your personal life have anything to do with what is or isn't going on with you and Danny?"

"There's nothing going on between me and Danny," she said a bit more defensively than she wanted to, "at least not anymore," she finished so quietly her boss barely heard her.

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."

She nodded slightly, "I know I'm not supposed to let my personal life interfere with my work and I'm sorry if it has. Getting involved with a co-worker was a bad idea and I realize that now. Don't worry, I'll stay focused and be more diligent about leaving my problems at home."

"Contrary to what most people think around here, the physical, emotional and mental health of my team is just as, if not more, important to me as the integrity of this lab. If there's something that's keeping you from functioning at your best and I can do something to help your situation, I'd like to. You're good at what you do Lindsay. You're very thorough, with an eye for detail and the ability to think quickly on your feet. You keep everyone, me included, on their toes with your sharp mind and quick wit. I'd hate to see you lose the very things that make you such a good CSI," he finished trying to gauge her reaction to what he'd just said. She seemed to realize this, as she tried to keep a neutral face, but Mac could see in her eyes that she was thinking over what he had said.

"Thanks Mac, that means a lot coming from you. I'm okay though, you don't need to worry about me. I just need to go home and get a good nights rest. I'll be on top of things tomorrow, I promise," she finished with a genuine smile gracing her delicate features, transforming her from her naturally cute state into a pretty young woman.

Mirroring her smile, "alright, but if you change your mind, you have about a month of vacation and personal leave saved up."

"I'll keep that in mind. Good night, Mac," she replied heading for the door.

"Good night. Oh, and Lindsay," he called her back before she walked out the door.

"Yeah?"

"I know you and your Dad were really close, and I know talking to me isn't even close to the same, but if you ever need to talk, my door is always open." Mac knew that the death of her Dad two summers ago had been especially hard for Lindsay, and he had tried to keep that in mind when dealing with her.

"Thanks," she choked back a sob, the pain from her Dad's death still extremely fresh in her heart. She could still remember the devastation in her mother's voice when she called to tell Lindsay about the heart attack. It wasn't long after his funeral, that Lucy Monroe sold the ranch and moved to Allenspark, Colorado with Lindsay's twin brother, Lucas. With a final nod to her boss, she quickly disappeared out the door and down the hallway.

"Maybe he has a point," she mused to herself as she indulged the neat freak side of her personality, and straightened up her usually meticulously organized desk. Once that was done, she found herself staring at the desk across from her, his earthy smell lingering in the air, instantly transporting her back to one particular afternoon about two years ago.

"Have you ever gotten an anonymous phone call," her curiosity propelled her to ask him before she had a chance to censor or second guess herself.

"Sure, it's happened," he answered nonchalantly with a shrug, his gaze still intent on the computer screen in front of him, though his actual attention had clearly shifted to her.

"Does it turn you on?" She grinned cheekily as his head whipped around to look at her, complete surprise written all over his face.

"Whoa! Slow down there, Montana, what'd you have in mind?" Clearly, Danny was going to enjoy this conversation. The way she seemed to have no problem voicing what was on her mind, when they were together was just another reason he found his crush on her growing stronger by the day.

Letting go a heavy sigh, "coffee, I really need coffee," she mumbled to no one in particular as she stood and stretched, yawning in the process. Heading towards the break room, she passed Mac's office seeing him discussing something with Stella. Not taking notice of the other occupant in the break room, Lindsay headed straight for the three-quarters full coffee pot.

"People would learn anger management today, wouldn't they," the voice behind her startled her into almost spilling her coffee.

"Excuse me," she recovered just in time to keep the quaver out of her voice, and turned around to meet the lazy grin of one Danny Messer. He kept smiling softly, but didn't approach her. He was the one that messed up what they had, and so he relegated himself to waiting for her to make the first move; for her to open the door to her heart, and invite him in once again. He just hoped that his betrayal wasn't of such caliber that she couldn't do that.

"The rain," he gestured towards the soggy mess outside, "it seems like there's more crime on days like this, but not today. Everyone must be in anger management."

Taking a seat on a stool, keeping the width of the counter between her and Danny, she allowed herself to partake in the superficial conversation. "Either that, or they're finding safe, legal things to do inside."

Silence hung heavily in the still mostly empty break room, as Lindsay sipped her coffee and took a sudden interest in the counter top. For his part, Danny took up his usual hobby of watching Lindsay and tried to figure out a way to put an end to this awkward silence that seemed to follow the pair around.

"Nope. This isn't awkward. Nope, not awkward at all," he finally said the first thing that came to mind, shoving his hands in his pockets and waiting for her response.

She looked up at him briefly, "well, if you're so uncomfortable around me, there's an entire crime lab right out there," she gestured towards the glass walls, "go be uncomfortable somewhere else. I'm just waiting for Stella to finish up with Mac, to see if she wants to go to lunch."

Dammit, she's playing the nonchalant, and Stella cards at the same time!

"Did you tell her about this, uh, this situation?"

Studying him carefully, Lindsay realized that he was obviously worried about what would happen if their friends found out about his misdeeds towards her. " Oh, you mean did I tell her that you cheated on me, lied to me, and tried to push our problems off as my fault? No, I haven't told her about that."

Taking a quick look around, Danny was visibly relieved to see that no one appeared to have heard Lindsay's statement.

"Problem?"

"Keep your voice down. Someone could have heard that," Danny hissed, walking towards her, invading her personal space, but staying far enough away to not allow himself to touch her; or her to hit him, if she were so inclined to make such a scene...and he really hoped she wasn't. Her petite size made her seems relatively harmless, but in reality she was a plucky little thing when properly provoked.

He gave in to a momentary reverie of how he came to know this about her. Just before her first Christmas in New York, she'd gotten involved in a take down with a suspect close to Hawkes' size and had ultimately had to resort to a flying tackle to take him down, when the thug had knocked over a series of trash cans and crates to hamper the speed with which Detective Maka was gaining on him. Sheldon had told him about the incident, and that had resulted in an argument with Lindsay in which she accused him of not believing she could do the physical side of the job as well as any man. He'd disagreed with her, and that had led to a thirty dollar bet that she could beat him in hand-to-hand combat. Well, she did beat him, although he was was adamant that she'd cheated by wearing that damn tank top, and he'd ended up helping her spend that money later, over a couple beers and friendly game of darts, at Sullivan's.

"We wouldn't want that, now would we," she broke him out of his thoughts as she spoke her mind. "God forbid, someone should hear about how you deceived me, betrayed my trust, took advantage of me, and blamed me for your actions," she was too worked up now to care, or even notice that her voice had raised a few notches and tears were welling in her eyes. "Danny, you treated our relationship like it didn't matter. You treated me like I didn't matter. Everything we had, everything I thought I meant to you. Everything you told me I meant to you. It was all a lie. I thought what we had was special; that I was special. I guess I was wrong," she finished her voice barely above a whisper, as she stared at a spot on the counter, stubbornly refusing to meet his eyes. She'd already let her emotions take control of her at work, something she swore would never happen again, since that one day in the morgue with Stella and Sid; she'd be dammed if she was going to let him see her tears!

Momentarily stunned by her outburst, something he thought she'd never do at work, Danny took a moment to consider what she'd said, while his brain tried to remember how to talk. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I know your trust is hard to earn and I'm sorry I lost it. It was wrong to use you as an excuse for my shitty actions and for that, I am sorry," he ran down the list of what she'd said, pausing momentarily before taking his pride (or what was left of it, at least) into his own hands and asking, "but how did I take advantage of you, exactly? I never forced you to do anything you didn't want to. I don't get it."

Finally looking up at him, and realizing that a few tears had escaped down her cheeks, Lindsay swiped at the moisture before answering. "You made me trust you. You knew I had problems trusting people since the murders, but you took the time to earn my trust. You knew about the issues I had with grieving, that I wasn't very good with dead children or grieving mothers. You knew that and you used it as your reason for having to go to her for comfort. You used my inadequacy as your reason to push me away, ignore me, and go to someone else for sex! That is how you took advantage of me!"

"Now wait just a damn minute, Monroe! I never told you the reason I cheated was because of your issues with grieving! Never once did I say that!" Danny was yelling now. He didn't care anymore if the whole fucking lab knew about what he'd done. What he did care about though was how Lindsay was internalizing this. He knew from past conversations with her, that she had a habit of doing that, and letting it eat away at her until she exploded in a torrent of unbridled emotion...like right now.

"Maybe you never said the words, but your actions said it all for you," her response was barely above a whisper, the look on her face one of someone desperately needing to get away from where they were at. "Have you ever heard the phrase 'actions speak louder than words'?"

Not sure how a verbal response would be received by her right now, Danny just nodded that he did.

"Well, your actions say less than what you said with words, but they speak a whole lot louder Danny. I don't think I can ever forget what your actions have said to me."

The devastation on her face, and the choked tears in her voice made Danny hate himself. For the first time in any relationship he's ever had with a woman, he hated what he'd done to her; how he'd made her feel. He had half a mind to haul himself into the nearest alley and kick the shit out of himself! He'd probably even invite Flack, Mac and all Lindsay's friends in the lab to take a shot at him.

Knowing that he was more-or-less asking her to twist the knife that was already in his heart, he asked, "and what have my actions said to you, Lindsay?"

She stared at him for a moment, wondering if actually telling him would be unnecessarily cruel, but she decided that he did ask, and he hadn't exactly been trying to do right by her when he slept with Rikki, so she supposed he deserved the answer.

Telling him might even help start the healing process Lindsay. Tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know that you are a real person with real feelings and he hurt them. What he does with that information, is his deal. Penny's words echoed in her head.

"You're actions have told me that I don't matter. I was just another conquest to you. You wanted me and you got me, time to move on. Danny, when you told me you slept with her, and it was just sex; a way to forget and make the pain go away, I felt worthless. I tried talking to you, I tried giving you your space but still be there when you needed me, and this is what happened. You needed to make the pain go away and you used sex to do that, but you didn't come to me for it. I would have given you comfort sex, hell, I would have taken a personal day and let you do whatever made you feel better; but you didn't come to me. You shut me out and went to her. You made me feel like a useless piece of trash, and I don't know how you can fix that. I don't think you can fix that; the damage is too much."

Dejected, his shoulders slumped. Lindsay is the first woman he's ever loved and he made her feel like a piece of useless trash. Instead of swallowing his pride and talking things out with her and letting her in, instead of being a man and telling her what he needed and wanted, Danny took the selfish route, like always, and did what he wanted to do without thought to how it would affect others. She is such an incredible woman, with a wonderful heart and so much to give, and he had that. He had her. Instead of cherishing those things which he loved about her, he used the very things that she didn't love about herself as a reason to shut himself away emotionally, and do whatever he damn well pleased, and then just expected her to accept it. Maybe she's better off with someone else.

"I'm so sorry Lindsay,"

"Please, Danny, please just...don't apologize anymore. You keep saying your sorry and it doesn't fix anything. I just need you to stop saying it."

"What can I say? Tell me what to say to fix this and I'll do it, just tell me what to do," he was begging her and he knew it.

"I don't know," and as quickly as the words left her mouth, she was out the door and moving towards the locker room, head down to keep her tears hidden. All Danny could do was watch. Neither of them had noticed the audience of two that had been watching the whole exchange.

Seeing Lindsay hurry past them, not taking notice to the pair, Mac looked over at Stella, "I figured whatever has been going on with her lately had something to do with Danny. I guess that scene in the break room confirms it."

When the exchange in the break room suddenly rose in volume, the two detectives wandered towards the commotion, but stayed respectfully out of the way, realizing that this was probably the only way either of them would find out what was going on, since Danny had been avoiding everyone since the Sandoval shooting, and this display of raw emotion from Lindsay was most likely the only uncensored display they would get from her about the situation. Ever since her friends were killed, it seemed to become an important thing in Lindsay's life to always keep some sort of control over herself in any situation she was in. As a result, only a very select few people were privy to witness the uncensored version of Lindsay's emotions.

"I guess I should go in there and talk to him."

"Actually," Stella spoke up before he could even take two steps, "I think such a delicate situation calls for that special brand of finesse that only I possess; don't you," she smiled sweetly.

Groaning inwardly, Mac hated how persuasive she could be without even really trying sometimes, "Do not kill him."

"I'm not going to kill him."

"Don't leave a bloody mess for the rest of us to clean up."

"No blood; got it!"

"I don't want him reported as a missing person," Mac was covering every worse case scenario he could think of. He knew Stella saw Lindsay as a little sister, and as such, could be over protective at times.

"He won't be on the back of a milk carton," he arched an eyebrow at her, "not one cut, scratch, bruise, bump, sprain, strain, or broken bone. I'll just talk to him. I think right now, Danny just needs a little straight talk from a female perspective that really knows him."

Knowing that this meant she expected him to talk to Lindsay, Mac waved Stella off and headed back into his office. His intention was to give Lindsay some time to calm down and gather herself before he went to talk to her. Subconsciously, he was hoping she would remember his offer of a willing ear and would come to him and tell him she needed to cash in some of her time off. The last thing he wanted to do, was put her on involuntary medical leave because she was quickly becoming an emotional wreck. After today, he wasn't sure he would have much of a choice otherwise.

"Rough morning," Stella startled Danny out of his self loathing as she entered the break room.

"Yeah, it's been kind of a roller coaster day so far. Surprising since there's an apparent moratorium on murder," he answered back uncharacteristically quiet.

"Let's take advantage of the quiet and go to lunch. We can catch up and talk. Haven't had a chance to do that in quiet awhile; you can fill me in on what's been going on in your life lately."

Dammit! She knows!

Immediately, Danny could come up with nine other levels of hell he'd rather be in right now, other than explaining what he did and why, to Stella. Quickly formulating an answer, "You know, I really can't. With how crazy things have been lately, I have a mountain of paperwork to catch up on."

"I'm pretty sure the paperwork isn't going to grow legs and walk out of here, Dan. If it did, we'd all be a lot happier," she quipped.

Swallowing a chuckle at her joke, "I'm not all that hungry."

"Whoa! Stop the presses right there! Danny Messer isn't hungry? I don't think that's ever happened before."

"Stella," he half whined.

"Tell you what, I'll eat and you can talk. Sound good," she spoke, simultaneously guiding him out of the break room and towards the elevator. "Good," she answered for him, a couple moments later, as the elevator doors opened.

Resigned to his fate, Danny just sighed, and pushed the button for the lobby. Let the hell-catching begin.

Sure enough, fifteen minutes after returning to his desk, there was a quiet knock on his door. "Lindsay, come in," he gestured towards a chair for her to have a seat, coming and, instead of taking a seat on the desk as she'd expected, sat in the chair next to her. "What can I do for you," he asked as if he had no idea she was there about her exchange with Danny. The way Mac saw it, Lindsay didn't need him to be Mac Taylor the hard nose boss right now, she just needed him to be Mac Taylor the person.

"I...um...I think...I think..." she stumbled on her words as Mac waited patiently for her to say what was on her mind. Truthfully, what Lindsay was about to say, was almost as difficult as admitting she had fallen in love with Danny Messer. Taking a deep breath, she blurted out why she was there. "I think I need to take that time off; if I still can...sir."

"Of course you can still take it off," after a short pause, "and don't call me sir," he replied in mock seriousness.

A slight smile appeared on her face as she remembered the first time they met.

"Will this be personal leave, or should I put in for voluntary medical leave?"

Knowing the medical leave would require her to have a sound medical reason, which, at this point, would more or less require her to see a psychiatrist; something she'd tried to avoid ever since her mother had made her see one after the murders, she decided personal leave was her only option. "No, no, medical leave won't be necessary Mac. I just need some time off, to gather myself."

"Will you be going to visit your family," he asked conversationally, as he filled out the paperwork for her thirty day leave, effective immediately.

"No, I have a really good friend that I haven't seen in far too long. I think I'm going spend some time with her. She owns an art gallery in Boston, and with the prices of plane tickets these days, it would be far cheaper to just drive up there, despite gas prices lately, rather than fly all the way out to Colorado," she easily replied. Mac was always such an authority figure, that seeing him actually interested in her life and treating her like a friend, was a pleasant change of interaction.

"Okay, Lindsay, all I need you to do is sign here," he pointed to the bottom of the page that said she was voluntarily asking for the time off, "and you'll have your thirty days to go visit with your friend."

"Thanks, Mac," she quickly zipped the pen across the page, leaving her name, scrawled in the same messy way one would only expect from a doctor, "I know this isn't exactly the best time to be asking for such a large chunk of time off, with the cabbie killer case still raining paperwork on everyone..."

Mac cut off her unnecessary apology, "Lindsay, you're a great CSI and a wonderful colleague to work with. Everyone needs a break, now and then. Don't apologize for taking care of yourself. Awareness that you need some time away from everything, is a good asset to possess. The ability to speak up and state your wants and needs is a desirable companion to that asset, don't forget that."

She wasn't quite sure if Mac was talking about professionally or personally at the end.

"You know, it's a pretty slow day around here. I've written your leave to be effective immediately, why don't you go ahead and leave to get ready for your trip? You can pack up and be on the road and out of the city before the afternoon rush hour begins," Mac appealed to her practical side. While leaving the city before the afternoon rush began, was a huge plus, he was more concerned with how another run in with Danny today, could possibly go down. The last thing he wanted was to have them disintegrate into a screaming match with each other. He knew, if that happened, they would both have to be reprimanded.

"Okay," Lindsay agreed quietly. She was certain traffic wasn't Mac's motive for giving her the rest of the day off, but she was grateful for the reprieve of having to see Danny for the rest of the day, and risk making another scene. "See you in a few weeks."

"Have a good time," he gave her another one of his rare smiles as she left his office and went to collect her things.

Dear god, please let this be the right thing to do, he thought as he put the paperwork for her leave in the file to be processed. He sincerely hoped when she returned, she would have been able to put enough literal and theoretical distance between herself, Danny and whatever actually happened, that the two could at the very least salvage their working relationship.

A/N: I really want to thank DKM and Shelbers for their feedback with this chapter, and the think aloud sessions that went along with the writing of this. Thanks gals!