Sorry it took me about ten years to update - I've been at the beach the past four days with my family. I did eventually go to an internet café, but I didn't have enough money for time to read/update fanfics. This is my longest chapter yet (6 pages on MS Word) and probably one that I don't like too much. It's good and bad, if you asked me. I tried to do really well with grammar and all, but I think I just fucked the whole thing up. Whatever - you better enjoy it all the same. I am still working on the first chapter to my Teddy fic…
Remus's breath fell heavily in large puffs of smoke as he dragged himself back to the Burrow at dawn. His raggedy clothes lived up to (and well past) their name as they hung from him loosely, stretched out or torn in places from last night's transformation during the full moon. Not once had he ever looked forward to the full moon, but last night's hadn't been as bad as it normally had. Of course, his regular transformation was still excruciatingly painful, but he'd managed to stay within one hundred yards of the Burrow, and maintain some control over his monstrous weren form. He imagined he must have looked hopeless as he dragged himself across the lawn, covered by a four- or five-inch blanket of snow, wearing enough to make him freeze on the spot. He hugged his arms, shivering violently, as he made his way up to the Burrow's front door, praying that Arthur or Molly or somebody would be up. He preferred Tonks to greet him this particular morning.
The Burrow had been decorated accordingly to the Christmas season for about a week or two now, but he hadn't really noticed it until now. In between Order work and caring for his pregnant wife, he hadn't had time to stop and smell the roses. Garland was strewn about and the gnomes appeared at first to look like miniature versions of Santa Claus. Anyone looking at the house, even from a distance, could tell that it was a cheerful place to spend the holidays. It looked happy amidst all the chaos about Voldemort. A strange mix of feelings filled Remus; he felt as if he were coming home from Hogwarts for the holiday break. It was almost a depressing sight, because he wondered if he'd been invited to dinner at the Weasley's, or - he dreaded this thought - dinner at Tonks's parents' house. He liked Tonks's parents, but he wasn't entirely confident that they were as fond of him.
Panting, Remus approached the front door and knocked very lightly, hoping to distinguish sounds of Molly cooking an early breakfast inside. He waited somewhat impatiently: He was freezing and exhausted and just wanted a warm bed to sleep in for a few hours before dinner that evening, wherever that may be taking place for him.
His usual soft, gentle smile came to his face when he heard a muffled version of Arthur's voice come from the other side of the door. "Who's there?" he called out softly, and Remus felt the impression that Arthur was probably the only one up.
"Remus John Lupin, married to Nymphadora Tonks and expecting a child in the next three or four months," he answered Arthur in the exact same tone of voice. "Just getting back from the full moon." He paused for a split second. "Open the door, Arthur, it's snowing and I'm about to die."
In one quick moment, the door was flung open and Remus was yanked inside almost as fast as the door had come open. Arthur slipped one of his own big overcoats over Remus's shoulders and then hugged him tightly, like a best friend would do, as if it would bring warmth. And it did, but it was a different kind of warmth than that intended - Remus's best friends were all dead, as far as he knew. Losing Sirius had been more painful than he'd thought, and he felt out of business when it came to friends. Arthur was a great friend to him, and he embraced the fact.
"All right, Remus?" Arthur said by way of greeting. "It's bloody cold out there, honestly, I was getting a bit worried. It's almost seven," he added; on Remus's past couple excursions he'd returned at about four or five in the morning.
"Oh," said Remus blankly. "I dunno." He walked into the living room with Arthur and sat down on the couch, while Arthur took an armchair, where he unfurled the morning's Daily Prophet and scanned it while making conversation.
"You should get sleep," he said, noting the fact that Remus's eyelids were drooping. "Rest up in time for dinner tonight. If you miss Molly's turkey, she'll murder you."
Remus offered his soft smile. "I'll be going to sleep shortly," he said in his hoarse voice, yawning at the end of his sentence. He looked around the room, analyzing it. There was a large Christmas tree in the corner of the room, its emerald branches magically lit up in places. A few ornaments hung from it, but the main attraction was the angel sitting atop the tree. It seemed to emit a particular glow, something joyful in the room. The flames of the roaring fire welcomed Remus and calmed him down from the cold weather outside, making him feel sleepier.
He turned his head, looking towards the door, as if hoping his wife would come through suddenly. He'd only been gone a night, but he'd missed her. He'd missed having his arm around her bosom as they slept side-by-side at night on Percy Weasley's old bed…the smell of her vibrant pink hair…the smile she gave him when she woke up right after him in the morning…
"Remus," came Arthur's voice suddenly, and his head snapped up: He'd almost nodded off. Arthur laughed. "You need sleep, mate. Go on ahead, just be up and ready for dinner by five or six."
"I'll go in a moment." Remus looked back at the fireplace, then up at the stockings tacked upon the mantelpiece. He found the names of Arthur, Molly, Fred, George, Ginny, and - he paused for a short gasp of air. The last two were for Tonks and himself. He felt strange immediately, like he'd felt when he was first accepted by Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail as a friend.
"Like the stockings?" asked Arthur, smiling warmly and looking at him over the top of his spectacles.
"You didn't have to do that," he responded softly, pointing at the two extra stockings on the end.
"Nonsense," Arthur said immediately. "When you're here, Remus, you're family."
Remus felt dazed in his own happiness as he glanced at the Christmas tree, wondering if there would be something for him there tomorrow morning. He wondered if Molly would take to knitting him a Weasley sweater as well. He decided he'd wear it no matter what, even if it was itchy, or too small, or too large. He would wear it.
"Go to sleep," said Arthur again. "You're nodding off every few seconds."
Remus sighed. "I'll be back in a few hours," he said. "If I'm not up in time, someone wake me."
He left the living room, reluctant to leave behind the fire, and climbed up the stairs with heavy feet. He entered the bedroom he and Tonks were sleeping in quietly and closed the door behind him. He slipped into something more comfortable and carefully got under the blankets, being careful not to wake his wife. All he could see of her were tufts of her vivid pink hair poking out from under the blankets. Once under the blankets, he scooted ever closer to her and put his arm around her like usual. She hadn't stirred or made a sound, so he'd succeeded so far. But then he heard a voice.
"Good morning."
He jumped.
Tonks rolled over, with difficulty; it seemed, because of her stomach, growing larger in proportion to the days getting colder. Once facing him, she smiled warmly and leaned over to kiss his lips gently. He smiled back at her.
"Good morning," he said. "Sleep well?"
She nodded. "Just getting in?"
He too nodded. "I just need sleep, you know, as usual. I'm sorry I woke you up."
She looked like she wanted to laugh, but she was too tired. "I've been awake. I faked sleep as soon as I heard you coming in the door - it creaks, you know. Feeling your arm coming around me like that is somewhat creepy."
"Only because you didn't know it was coming," Remus said, a bit defensively. "Merry Christmas - early," he added.
"You too."
It was the last two words he heard before he fell asleep peacefully by her side.
Many hours later, Remus found himself sitting next to Tonks on the couch with the rest of the Weasleys, full of Molly's fantastic turkey dinner. He held a half-empty glass of champagne on his knee, what had to be his third or fourth glass, and when he noticed it was only half-empty, he downed the entire rest of it in one.
"Take it easy on the wine!" Tonks scolded him, slapping his arm.
Remus, feeling like a young child receiving his Christmas presents, smiled gleefully, matching the grins on Fred and George's faces. He was not drunk at all, but happy and excited to be spending his Christmas with his wife, whom he loved, and most of the Weasley family. Bill and Fluer had come for dinner, but left shortly after, and Remus knew by the look on Bill's face as they rushed out of the Burrow that he was planning something special for his wife. He only wished he could do the same for his wife, but it was impossible in the present situation.
"I am taking it easy on the wine," Remus finally answered. He turned to Molly. "The dinner was wonderful, Molly, but you should all have to come to our house next Christmas." He smiled warmly.
"If we ever get a house," said Tonks. Until the war was over they wouldn't be shopping for their own home. It was too risky, almost, because of the people selling houses - they could any day be Death Eaters, and Remus and Tonks submitting their personal information could easily get them killed. Of course, this was an absurd way to think, Remus had said to himself when he and Tonks were discussing it, but they couldn't take too many chances. He'd felt silly when explaining it to Arthur and Molly, because the last thing he wanted was to be a burden upon their shoulders, but they were glad to have them longer.
It was silent in the room for a couple minutes. Remus glanced around; at his wife, who was drinking something that wasn't alcoholic; at Fred and George, who were on the verge of letting loose and getting themselves drunk; at Molly and Arthur, who sat closely next to each other on a loveseat; and finally at Ginny, who sat in a chair by the fire, looking sad. She was the only one besides Tonks who wasn't drinking champagne.
"Dear, something wrong?" Molly asked her daughter as soon as Remus thought of asking. Molly looked a little worried to see Ginny, who was usually bright and happy, looking so down.
"No," answered Ginny, "just a little tired, that's all." Remus could tell by her tone that she was not telling the complete truth. It was a tone he'd used many times before, more often in his days with James, Sirius, and Peter, and one he'd mastered. As he watched Molly and Ginny, he caught the teenage girl's eye and raised his eyebrow, hoping to pass along the message that he was wondering what she was worrying about, even if he felt nosy.
"Ginny," said Molly, raising both eyebrows at her. "Ease up a bit on the worries, dear. He'll be fine."
"He could get himself killed!" Ginny said, raising her voice to a yell. All noise in the room was suspended, even the twins' odd conversation, and every pair of eyes was on Ginny, who continued, "Both - all - of them could get killed! It's too dangerous out there!"
"Ginny, please, just relax and enjoy the holiday - " Arthur tried, but it was too late. Ginny stood and left the room hastily, and the sounds of her stomping up the stairs to her bedroom made Remus's skin crawl. Arthur looked around the room, muttering apologies toward him and Tonks, and Molly left to go talk to her daughter.
"Another glass, Remus?" Arthur asked suddenly, trying to distract everyone from Ginny.
"Remus doesn't need anymore wine, thanks," said Tonks, and Remus gave her a look that said the words for him. She continued, "You've had four or five glasses, and besides, I don't want you drunk on Christmas Eve. Or while I'm pregnant," she added in a whisper, winking so he'd get the message.
"May as well go to bed then," he said, standing and helping her up. "G'night, everyone - Arthur, thanks tons for the dinner; it was wonderful."
"Our pleasure," said Arthur, standing up as well. "Good night."
Sometime in the middle of Christmas Day, Remus was standing in the kitchen drinking a late cup of coffee and thinking about the events of that morning. They'd gotten up around ten o'clock in the morning and unwrapped the presents around the tree. Such a happy atmosphere emanated from the place, it was as if the war against Voldemort was not happening, and Remus embraced that feeling. His only gift under the tree was exactly what he'd expected: A Weasley sweater, one that was pure and fresh from the hands of Molly Weasley. It was a dark brown, almost black color, and a small gold "R" had been stitched over the right breast. When he'd opened it, he almost broken down in tears and smiled warmly at Molly, saying in a quiet voice, "I love it."
After gifts had been opened, Tonks brought him aside and had said while holding his hands, "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything."
But all he did was smile his soft smile and kiss her forehead. "I didn't want anything for Christmas," he said, "but you, Dora."
This sentence put happy tears in his wife's eyes, bringing a bigger smile to his face.
Now, he was leaning against the kitchen counter, sipping a cup of coffee casually while watching his wife scan the Daily Prophet with presumptuous, half-open eyes. He wondered what was going through her mind as she turned the pages so quickly it seemed she could have ripped them out if she wasn't careful. He wondered if he was on her mind, like she was on his. He permitted himself a secret smile as he again raised the coffee mug to his lips for another sip.
"What're you thinking about?" Arthur asked quietly as he approached Remus in the corner of the kitchen. Remus nodded and used his eyes to gestured to Tonks sitting at the table, and Arthur nodded as well, letting his mouth form a perfect "O". He said, "You love her, aye?"
Remus nodded and grinned a little. "More than anything." He could feel his cheeks growing hot and he wished he could have had more control over his emotions. As his eyes traveled down her body, his eyes lingered on her breasts for a moment, and then stopped on her rather large stomach. It reminded him that while she was like this, he couldn't enjoy that same skin-to-skin pleasure he'd experienced on their wedding night. He bit his lip, wishing he wouldn't have to fight the temptations shot at him, and he looked at his shoes while asking Arthur in a very low voice, "How did you deal with it?"
"Deal with what?" asked Arthur in the same volume as he, sounding a little confused. Remus looked up at him and raised an eyebrow, letting his body language transfer his message, and Arthur's mouth again formed another "O" and he grinned. "I understand what you're talking about," he said in the same low tone. "You just have to wait it out. I know nine months is a long time, mate, but when it's over - give it a couple weeks after the birth - you'll be able to get back in there."
Remus felt a little odd to hear it from Arthur, but he smiled again. "I see," he said, almost a whisper now. "And you managed to do this - what - six or seven times?"
Arthur laughed softly. "I managed," he said. "Don't worry. I'm sure she's going through something like the same thing."
"Maybe that explains the mood swings," Remus joked, happier than he had been in what felt like years, and he laughed along with Arthur. Little did he know that the atmosphere would soon change.
As Molly washed dishes at the sink, there was a knock at the door, and before any questions were asked, a familiar deep voice called, "It's Kingsley Shacklebolt, who usually protects the Muggle prime minister, and has come to bear news to Remus and Nymphadora Lupin, who are married and expecting a child."
Remus walked forward and opened the door with a puzzled look on his face: If Kingsley had come to deliver him and his wife news, was it something bad? Had something happened? He wondered these things as Kingsley's dark figure stepped over the threshold, giving off an ominous impression.
"Kingsley," said Remus respectively, glancing over his shoulder at Tonks, who was looking up and apparently worrying too. "Something wrong?" He bit his lip and tried to look casual.
"Remus, Nymphadora," Kingsley said by way of greeting, nodding at them both, "I'm…I'm sorry to say this, but…" He paused and sighed, folding his hands behind his back. Remus was jumping with nerves, knowing what was coming next, and he hurried over to the other side of the table and helped Tonks up, wanting her to stand with him rather than sit in a chair. He grasped her hand with a twinge of hope and looked into her eyes.
"No matter what happens we're sticking together," he whispered, and quietly so no one else would hear. She nodded and he kissed her cheek. "I love you, Nymphadora."
"I love you too, Remus." He could barely hear her words, falling out of her mouth softly. Together they turned away from each other's eyes and looked back at Kingsley, who appeared to be feeling quite awkward during the moment he'd kissed her.
"Go on," said Remus.
Kingsley took a breath and said, "I was sent to inform you that Ted Tonks was killed this morning by a couple of Death Eaters. I'm sorry."
"What?" Tonks yelled, and right after that an eerie silence fell over the kitchen. Remus glanced around one last time before tightly shutting his eyes to see Arthur looking pale and stone-faced and Tonks staring at Kingsley in disbelief with tears falling out of her eyes. He affectionately put an arm around her.
Even in the short time he'd known his father-in-law, the pain of losing him swept over Remus. He and Ted hadn't even been agreeable on most things, but it still came to him as a shock: He was really dead. He couldn't even begin to imagine how Tonks was feeling, and he opened his eyes again to look at her, only to close them again. Tears were streaming down her face. Remus absolutely hated seeing her cry - every time she did, it reminded him of that fateful day when he went back to her after a month.
Sighing and opening his eyes for a second time, he looked up at Kingsley and asked in a grave tone, "Is Andromeda okay?"
"Andromeda is safe," said Kingsley, "however, it is asked that the two of you go and live with her in her house. She's an old woman and wouldn't be able to fight off a few Death Eaters on her own if she were to be attacked."
"I can understand that," said Remus. He took a deep breath and whispered to Tonks, "It'll be okay, Tonks, I'm…I'm here for you." He paused, looking down at the ground, but as he was looking away, Tonks gripped him in a bone-breaking hug.
"I didn't want him to go, Remus, I didn't want him to die!" Tonks said while crying into his shoulder; her voice was muffled against his robes. "He didn't deserve it!"
"I know, just relax…" He wanted his voice to be something like a powerful tool, as if the words he said were everything she ever would have wanted. But he found himself barely able to speak. As he stood there, he wrapped his arms around her, encasing her shoulders for his own. "It'll be all right."
Somewhere in the distance, he barely heard Kingsley's voice bid them a merry Christmas - what was left of it - and leave solemnly over the sound of Tonks's sobs. It was an awkward hug between the two of them because of her stomach, but he didn't care. It was a hug and that was that.
"Don't worry, he's in a better place now," he whispered into her ear one final time, still unable to believe that Ted Tonks was dead, and knowing he'd have to talk about it that weekend on Potterwatch.
There you have it. Honestly, I think I didn't do very well with describing emotions and such in this chapter. Er…Suggestions would be helpful, if you guys can do that. You're all awesome for reviewing this and keeping it on the first page when you search RLNT fics. Ha ha…so review it!