Chapter Nine

October

"I can't run anymore.

I fall before you.

Here I am.

I have nothing left."

"You're all that I am." She said as she looked in the mirror. She wanted to punch it and watch as it shattered into a million tiny pieces. Each piece would symbolize the broken shards of her heart that were so tiny that they could never be put back together. They were so small, and unseen, but big enough to cause her to bleed.

She was home now, but it didn't feel that way.

Her face was growing pale, and her body was growing tinier. She was truly suffering from depression. She was outside in the rain. Staring up at the sky as she walked. There wasn't anyone on the sidewalk, and she could feel stares from the people in cars as they passed. They thought she was crazy.

Sesshoumaru had Kikyo in their apartment. It bothered her, and after she had been introduced, she left. As far as she knew Sesshoumaru had no clue that she was even gone. It hurt her that he had someone else after that moment a month ago in his room. Didn't he tell her he loved her? Didn't he tell her he needed her?

She couldn't breathe right. She just couldn't get enough air because of the pain in her gut. The pain that told her that she had lost, that she hadn't acted on what she wanted and let it slip away.

As she walked, she pulled out her cell and called Kouga.

"Hey, is it alright if I come over for a while?"

"Yeah, of course. I was just about to call you anyway. I'm bored out of my mind."

"That makes two of us." She smiled.

He laughed warmly. "I'll see you in a bit?"

"Yeah. Later." She hung up the phone.

Kouga and Amy had never really been that close. They just joked around a lot in school, and now that they were taking photography classes together, they talked more from time to time.

She arrived and he greeted her with a little more than friendly hug.

"Hey, how are you?" She asked as he let her in.

"I'm okay, and you?"

"Eh... not so good."

"Come in here, my brothers will be home soon." He said as he tugged on her arm a little, and pulled her into his room, which was surprisingly clean. Compared to his brother's rooms his was like a maid had cleaned it. "So, why not?"

"Sesshoumaru has a new girlfriend..." Her voice trailed of and she smiled a little. "It's so hard to be happy for him when I'm so jealous, and I know that it's childish, but... I can't be happy seeing them together."

"Ah, Kikyo?" He asked.

"Yeah, you knew?" She asked as she plopped down onto his bed.

"Yeah," he sat beside her. "You know that he's not for you. That whole Taisho family is screwed up in the head. They don't know a good girl when they see one. Well, InuYasha saw one. He just... didn't treat her right." He smiled weakly. "Amy, you're beautiful, smart, and talented. You're going to be something great, and you're going to look back on Sesshoumaru and InuYasha and you're going to laugh your pretty little ass off because they never deserved you."

"You might be right." She said as she smiled, but there were tears in her eyes. "I don't know."

"Don't cry." He said, and he wiped away a tear with his thumb, and he cupped her cheek in his hand.

She touched his wrist, and then fell into him in a tight embrace. She didn't want to ever let go. She wanted Sesshoumaru to see her like this. She wanted him to feel envious of any guy that ever hugged her.

"Amy... I know how you feel. Don't let him get to you."

"Yeah." She let go of him, and Kouga placed his arm around her and rubbed small comforting circles on her back.

A pregnant silence followed.

"I... was in Chicago for a month. He and I talked on the phone almost every night, and I felt like I was distanced from him, but then he started gushing about Kikyo, and I felt... hollow and hurt. It was like nothing else I'd ever felt. Even with Inuyasha."

"You don't deserve it, and he doesn't deserve you. In my opinion, he's a man whore."

"Kouga!" she smacked him on the leg, which caused him to laugh.

"I know... but you really need to get yourself back on your feet, find someone, and live happily ever after. Sesshoumaru's and Inuyasha's excluded."

She laughed. "That's what I was going to Chicago to try to figure out. I need to finish college. I need to get my career plan all sorted out, and I need to just be happy, and moping around like a bump on a stump isn't getting any of that done."

"Oh, great." He groaned. "Ginta and Hakaku are here."

"I'll leave then."

"No, please don't. You're the only thing that's gonna keep me sane."

She laughed. "Kouga, I have a personal question to ask you..." She pushed strands of hair behind her ears. "Um, I know that back in high school you crushed on me and Kagome a lot, but... when was the last time you've had a girlfriend?"

"To tell you the truth, I've never really had one. I haven't been interested. I've had girls want to be my girlfriend, but... I just didn't feel the same." His hand slipped away from her back, and he placed it on the bed behind her. "Yeah, I'm not a sex-driven maniac like most of the guys around here." He laughed warmly.

"Wow... I guess that it's like me. I wasn't really interested until I saw Inuyasha, and then well, I've developed feelings for Sesshoumaru." She blushed a little.

Without warning, Ginta and Hakaku came bursting through the door, and greeting Amy.

"Both of you, leave!" Yelled Kouga.

The trailed out the door, and closed it behind them. They were Kouga's younger twin brothers, but were only identical in their brainlessness.

Her phone started vibrating, and she quickly pulled it out and looked at it. "Oh, it's Sesshoumaru. Sorry, I've gotta answer. Hello?"

"Hey, where are you?"

"Kouga's house. Why does it matter?"

"I suppose I was concerned about you, am I not permitted to do so?"

She sighed, "I guess. I'm surprised you finally noticed I left."

"Yeah, well you could've told me where you were going."

"I'm not going to argue with you in front of my friends. Look, just come pick me up."

"Fine. Kikyo just left anyway."

"Okay, well... later." She hung up the phone, and heaved a sigh of frustration. "I'm sorry about that."

"It's alright. I guess you're leaving though."

"Yeah. I'll get on AIM tonight, though. I have nothing else to do. Maybe listen to Sesshy have phone sex with Kikyo. Doesn't that sound entertaining?" She stood, and shoved her cell in her pocket angrily.

"Amy, before you go... I want to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"You and Inuyasha... I heard you were dating again."

"No, I haven't talked to him in over a month. We aren't dating."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I just-"

"No worries." She smiled, and Kouga showed her to the door. Sesshoumaru was already pulling into his driveway behind Kouga's car. Amy hugged him, and walked out to Sesshoumaru's car.

She got in without a word, and slammed the door shut.

"Can you at least tell me where you're going to be next time?"

"Fuck off..."

He sighed, and said nothing.

She wanted to cry, but she crossed over her sadness with anger. She felt bad about biting his head off, but... she just couldn't stand to look at him anymore. He sickened her with the thought of another girl in his life. Was she not enough? Was she not good enough? She clenched her fists, and wanted to punch the window out, and relieve the anger.

When they reached the apartment again, she got out without a word, and went up to her room. She didn't want to talk to him. She for some odd reason wanted to call Kouga, and talk to him. She grabbed her camera, and headed down to the darkroom. She had a few photos to develop, and when she was about to get something out of the cabinet, the cell vibrated with a text. It was Kouga.

Amy. Can u talk?

Not right now. I'm dvlping pics.

Can I come over? My bros are driving me crazy!

Sure. Sesshy is being an ass.

Thnx.

—

Kouga stood with her in the darkroom. He kept complimenting her pictures.

"You know, Amy... I realized something."

"What's that?"

"I really like you."

"Well, I really like you too, Kouga." She laughed as she started putting up her chemicals and such.

"I'm being serious, Amy."

As she raised up she felt his hand fall on her shoulder. She jumped slightly, and his lips met hers in a quick kiss. "Kouga... we're friends."

"So are you and Sesshoumaru, but hey, no hard feelings." He smiled. His smile was warm and comforting. "I just wish that I were in Sesshoumaru's place, because I'd give anything to be with someone like you."

Tears came to the brim of her eyes and spilled over. She could tell she was too vulnerable, she was crying because even the slightest comment.

Amy was burning with embarrassment. "Sorry - " she mumbled. "Sorry - "

"Here," he interrupted. "Stop that." He caught her wrists again and forced her hands to her lap before bringing his fingers to her face and gently catching her tears, lifting them from her skin as if he had to remove them carefully. "There," he said when he was done. "All better."

Even though nothing was all better, she just nodded.

"Do you mind if we go outside? I... need some air."

"Not at all." He touched her hand, and helped her up.

As they passed Sesshoumaru he peered at them, watching their hands, making sure Kouga didn't do anything that was inappropriate.

They stared into the concrete forest of lighted buildings reaching toward the night sky, and let the quiet grow around them.

After a while Kouga cleared his throat, "So, why were you in Chicago again?"

"I needed to clear my head. It was comforting for awhile, but then I couldn't do it. It's still cluttered up there."

He nodded in understanding.

Another silence.

"I'm sorry for in there. I don't know what I was thinking kissing you like that."

"Don't be."

He smiled, his teeth white as stars. Though, she couldn't see the stars because of the city lights and pollution.

Leaning over the railing more, Amy peered dizzily down into the city, where a thousand unsaid words flowed. Maybe and I might and I think and you could and I should and if only if only if only if -

In that moment she thought, very quietly, that she could love him. Maybe, given enough time. She could love him after she patched her broken heart. Maybe, she thought and she wondered if he knew that, and if she should tell him.

Then he was hugging her close. He smelled of coffee and cologne, and the moment passed. "It's like you shouldn't even be real... I'm glad I came over though."

Her chin was on his shoulder, and the scratchy softness of the shirt he was wearing rubbed over the underside of her jaw. "I don't think you would have a moment like this with one of your brothers," she remarked, watery and amused.

He chuckled, and she felt the rumble against her own skin. "You should go to bed," he told her gently. "You seem tired."

Alright sniffled again and drew back. "All right," she said. "I'll talk to you in the morning then?"

The grin on his face was familiar and beautiful. "Do I ever pass up a chance to see you?" he asked.

She gave a sharp, spontaneous, and messy snort. Wiping her nose, Amy shook her head.

"That's right," Kouga declared. "Now go get some sleep, woman..." He continued to smile into the distance. "I'm going to stay for a little longer and maybe talk to Sesshoumaru, but don't worry. I won't tell him anything."

She nodded, not trusting her voice. She rose and walked tiredly back to the sliding glass door of the apartment, turning only at the entrance to smile at him. "Goodnight, Kouga." she said.

"Goodnight."

Amy turned and entered, walking upstairs.

Kouga waited for a few moments, just to make sure she was gone, and then stood and crossed his arms. He walked over to the door, and motioned for Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru brushed past him, giving a slight snort. "So, you and Amy?"

"Don't trust me, eh? I saw the way you were staring."

"No."

Kouga smirked, "Why not?"

"She's had her heart broken one too many times. I don't want you to be the one to push her over the edge."

"Oh no, my friend. If anyone would do that it would be you. Your parading around with Kikyo had caused that little cut to become infected. How do you feel about that 'Sesshy'?"

He walked over to the railing, and said nothing.

So it was going to be one of those conversations. Very well, he knew how to play the game...

He stepped up next to him and stared into the abyss as well. "You going to answer me?"

"It's not any of your business," Sesshoumaru said coldly.

"Sure it is. Amy is a friend."

"Clearly."

There was a silence as they both fumed angrily.

"Look, I don't know what you're doing with her, but if she comes to any harm, I swear I'll kill you. And you'd better keep your dirty hands to yourself, unless you want to be minus a set of balls."

"First," Sesshoumaru snapped, annoyed, "as long as she's living with me she won't be harmed. Second, I'll put my hands where I want."

"You will, will you?"

"I will."

"I don't blame you, of course."

"Not there."

"I'll bet."

Sesshoumaru cracked his knuckles.

"Whatever," Kouga said. "Just... don't be such an ass, okay? Even Amy can only take so much."

Sesshoumaru said nothing. After a moment he stretched and yawned, theatrically marking the end of their conversation. "Well," he said, "I'm off to bed. You're welcome to hang around up here, but I'd suggest getting back before she finds out you're still here. Just lock the door on your way out." With that, Sesshoumaru turned and wandered into the apartment, leaving Kouga.

He stared into the city at the lights for another minute before snorting softly. He took a deep breath and exhaled to relieve his tension before walking back into the apartment, locking the door, and then walking back out the front door.