A/N The computer still isn't down yet and I am inspired to write yet another chapter. So, here we go.
Two weeks after their little 'moment', another one came. It was out of the blue and unexpected, but it still meant everything to Ryan. It had been a long, stressful day and he didn't have therapy so he couldn't go and tell Marissa about it. Then when he got home and looked on his wall calendar, he realized that today was Seth's birthday and he quickly fell into a fit of depression. After about an hour of moping on his bed, he decided that he should probably eat something, and went into his kitchen only to realize that he didn't have even a crumb of food. He debated whether or not he should order in a pizza or get something to eat at a restaurant, and decided that even though Seth was not here and never would be again, he'd still let his friend's birthday be celebrated and decided to go to the local diner where they used to always go for a birthday lunch.
He grabbed an umbrella since ironically enough it was pouring down rain on this particular day and wallet and walked out of his house. His drive to the diner was a sad one, considering that this time last year he'd been on his way to the Cohen house for a formal birthday celebration for Seth. He remembered that this time last year he'd had a present for Seth; some new comic book that he couldn't remember the name of. He still remembered the excitement on Seth's face, much like a child's excitement on his birthday. He had always secretly looked forward to Seth's excitement, it gave him a look into something he'd never really had as a child. Something that he'd always desperately wanted.
He arrived at the diner and opened his umbrella for the short walk to the door. As he opened the door, he heard the familiar ring of the door opening and walked inside, closing his umbrella quickly. He looked around the small restaurant and saw something…well, someone, familiar. He walked towards the person, their blonde hair slightly covering their face, and cleared his throat. "Marissa?" He asked, surprised to see her here.
Her sapphire eyes looked up into his and he could see the shock in her own that probably matched his. "Ryan?" She said. She gestured at the seat across from him and said, "I wasn't expecting to see you…"
He sat down in the seat across from her. "Neither was I." He said, slightly smiling. "So what brings you here?" He asked curiously.
"I hear it's a great place to eat." She said with a smile. "I mean, you talk about it so much, I just thought I'd try it for…research."
"Research?" He asked with a smirk. "Or, let me guess, you got tired of pizza and take out but didn't feel like cooking anything yourself. So you were stuck between going to a fast food restaurant or going to a really high priced place. You settled on the middle ground."
She smiled and said, "Looks like the roles are reversed. Now you're analyzing me huh?"
"Well you do so good at analyzing me, I thought I'd give it a shot." He said, leaning back in his seat.
"Hmm, I do a good job huh?" She asked, looking at him intently. "Let me give a shot at it now." She looked at his shaggy hair and the dark circles under his eyes. Then she let her gaze drop down to his wrinkled work clothes. She looked into his eyes and saw that they were bloodshot and sad and said, "You got home from work, something hit you, something made you sad." She thought about it some more and then said, "You didn't change from your work clothes for a while, just sat there, thinking about something. After a while you knew that even though you didn't want to, you had to get some food into your system, so you go out and decide to come here where you meet me." She waited for him to process the information and then asked, "Does that sound about right?"
He stared at her, mouth slightly open in awe. He didn't understand how she could just do that, how she could just analyze him so easily. He looked down after a while and said, "It's Seth's birthday."
He felt her hand on his shoulder and she said, "It's the anniversary of my sister and dad's deaths."
He looked into her eyes that were clouded with sadness and said, "Great day isn't it?"
She nodded and said, "The best."
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly, wanting to help her. She'd been helping him through all of his problems, it was only fair that he did the same for her. "You know me for talking a lot to you, but I can be a good listener also." He offered.
She looked away from him and pulled her hand to her body, hugging herself tightly as if it would make the pain go away. "It was about ten years ago. I was fourteen, and I had just come home from school…."
She walked into the living room and put her bag down when she saw her mother on the couch, holding a phone and staring blankly off into space. She furrowed her eyebrows together in confusion and walked towards her mother's pale frame. "Mom? Are you okay?" She asked, putting a hand on her mom's arm, trying to see some type of reaction.
She took the phone from her mother's hand, but her mother didn't seem to notice. She put it to her own ear and heard the machine lady telling her to hang up and try again. She put the phone down and looked at her mom, worried about her. Then she noticed that her sister wasn't around yet. "Hey, where's Caitlin, I wanted to show her something." She said, looking around the house. When she didn't find her sister, she walked back to the living room where her mother hadn't moved, probably hadn't even blinked. "Mom, where's Caitlin and dad?"
Her mother stared at her like she was just now seeing her, and she hadn't been here for the past five minutes. She finally blinked and then said, "There was an accident…"
"What, a car accident?" She asked, suddenly understanding her mother's state. "They're okay right?" She asked, going frantic with the thought that they wouldn't be. "We need to get to the hospital, we can't leave them all alone." She started walking towards the door and saw that her mother didn't make a move to follow her. "Mom, we need to go to them."
"I'm so sorry honey." Her mother said, standing up. She put her arms around Marissa and said, "They didn't make it…"
"No, you're lying." She said, pushing her mother away. "This isn't real…this can't be happening." She sat down on the couch and said, "This kind of thing happens to other families, not ours though. This can't happen to our family, it's just not us." She looked up at her mom with tear filled eyes and said, "Right?"
Her mom stared at her for a while and then sat down beside her on the couch. "We at least still have each other." Her mother said, beginning to cry. "We can't forget that."
Ryan watched her, and wanted to comfort her but didn't know how. He knew from experience that there was no way to truly comfort someone and take away all that pain. He took her hands into his and rubbed them gently with his thumb. He felt her relax just the slightest bit under her touch and then said, "I'm sorry."
She shook her head and smiled just the slightest bit. "Ever notice that people are always apologizing for it like it's there fault?"
He smiled too and said, "Yeah, and it gets kind of annoying hearing it all the time."
"So then you want people to just be quiet since there's really nothing that they can do for you." She said, adding onto his statement.
He smiled at her and despite the fact that she'd just told him the saddest thing that had happened in her life, she smiled too. She glanced down at their hands that were still together and he took his away, shocked by the feeling of emptiness that came with it. He put his hands on his knees and said, "Sorry for saying sorry."
She laughed and said, "It's okay, really. I'm used to it just like I'm sure you are too."
He laughed also and said, "Yeah, that's certainly true." He looked at her for a minute and then said, "I should probably go to my own table…I don't want to impose…"
She shook her head and said, "Please, you're keeping me from having a breakdown right now."
"I thought that showing feelings was important." He said with a raise of his eyebrows. "That's what I've learned anyways."
"Well sometimes when you're in public, it's okay not to have a total breakdown." She said with a small smile.
"I'll keep that in mind for the future." He said with a chuckle. "I suppose I could eat dinner with you." He said casually, though for a reason he couldn't explain, he was quite looking forward to it.
"Well I feel special then." She said with a small laugh.
A waitress came by and that's when he noticed that she hadn't gotten anything to eat yet. "The cheeseburgers are really good here." He commented. He looked up at the waitress and said, "I'll have a coke, a cheeseburger, and some chili fries."
The waitress looked at Marissa and she said, "I'll have the same." The waitress walked off and she turned to Ryan and said, "I trust you enough to believe you when you say this is good food. Just don't make me regret that."
He couldn't explain why but he felt really happy to hear that Marissa trusted him, even if it was as a joke. He smiled and said, "Don't worry, I won't."
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An hour later, they were still sitting at the diner, but they had already been fed and were stuffed. Ryan leaned back in the booth and said, "I can't believe that a year ago he was fine and now he's just gone."
Marissa nodded and said, "I can't believe it's been ten years since I've last talked to them." She sighed and then said, "I can't even remember if I said that I loved them that morning…or even the previous night." She looked out the window by their booth at the pouring rain and then said, "Too often we take for granted the little things in life. Little do we know that in a minute, everything can be gone." She looked at him sadly.
"I know how you feel." He said sadly. "I used to always complain about Seth's rambling when I lived there. I'd always roll my eyes and pretend to be annoyed with him. The truth is though, I'd do anything to have it back. I'd do anything to just hear him talk about work or video games or the latest issue of his comic book." He put his head in his hands and said, "I'd do anything to have him ramble on about Chrismukkah and anything else that he ever wants to talk about."
Marissa just listened, didn't say anything. After she was sure that he was done talking, she finally said, "Bargaining."
"What?" He asked, truly confused.
"Bargaining. It's the third step of grief." She said with a nod.
"Well, what's next?" He asked curiously.
"Depression." She said.
He sighed and said, "This will be fun."
She smiled and said, "Then…acceptance."
"Does everyone go through this?" He asked, not really understanding how you can sum up grief so quickly.
"Mostly. Sometimes the stages are switched around. I know that when I went through it, I was in denial for a week, and then I woke up and was angry at the world. For months and months, I hated everything and everyone. Then, I wished that I could have them back. I actually offered things. Stuff like, 'I'll make sure to never talk back to mom or dad again if you just let me see them for one more day.' Then, I realized they weren't coming back, and was depressed." She sighed and then said, "But one day, about a year after I found out, I looked out at the sky and realized that life does go on, just in a different way. I realized that they'd want me to move on with my life, and not be stuck in the same stage of grief for so long."
"Sounds like a long, painful process." He said with a sigh.
"It is." She said. "I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. That's against what I believe. I'll be straightforward with you. It hurts, it really does. You want to kill yourself some days, but it will all get better."
"I just can't imagine me getting over this." He said with a shake of his head. "You maybe, but not me."
"You will, trust me." She said. She picked up her coke and held it up in the air. "To Seth and the rest of your family."
He lifted his own glass and said, "To Caitlin and your dad." They clinked their glasses together and then took a sip, each pleased to have at least someone on this somewhat depressing day.