It was currently eight thirty p.m. Marissa bounced her knee up and down and checked the doorway one more time. Ryan was supposed to come here at seven for therapy, and he hadn't showed. She looked at her cell phone and saw that she still had no missed calls or messages. She sighed and looked at the clock one more time...he was an hour and a half late. He never missed therapy, never failed to call her when he was going to be late...which was only once in the two months she'd known him. She glanced at her phone one last time before picking it up and dialing his number.
It rang and rang, and then the answering machine came on. 'Hi, this is Ryan, I'm not in or don't want to talk to you for some reason...you should know which. So I guess, leave a message and I'll try to get back to you.' She sighed and took in a deep breath and then heard the beep.
"Um, this is Marissa...where are you?" She asked, even though she knew he wasn't going to answer her. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair before saying, "So um...I guess call me." She hung up her phone and then debated what to do in her mind. She could go by his house, but she usually didn't leave the office until at least nine since she had so much work to do. She looked at all the files on her desk, each holding someone's information and stood up. Ryan would be fine, right?
She went to her desk and started looking through the files, looking through her notes as well. She was supposed to go through and decide which sessions could be terminated, whether it be that she no longer need to assist them or that they should be referred to another therapist for whatever reason. She got through one file, but still, her mind drifted to Ryan and what could be taking him so long. She'd talked to him earlier in the week, they'd even had dinner together...as friends of course...but still, dinner and he seemed fine then. She wondered what could be wrong.
She glanced at the clock, it was eight forty five. She sighed and put her head in her hands and then realized that she wouldn't get any work done unless she knew what was going on. She got up, grabbed her purse and some extra files and walked out. She put the stuff in the passenger seat of her car and started it. She began the fifteen minute drive to Ryan's house...a place she had actually never been before. He'd given her directions in case she ever felt the urge to see him, but she hadn't really had any time and was too tired. But now it seemed like a really good thing that he had given her the directions.
She followed them carefully, getting lost a couple of times, but eventually came up to a gated community. She sighed and then looked on the paper and saw that Ryan gave her instructions on how to deal with the guys to let her in. She did as it said, and was let inside. She drove up to the house that had Ryan's address and turned off the car. She got out and walked up the walkway to his front door. She looked up at the house while doing so, and its size literally took her breath away. It was certainly large, and very beautiful. She walked up to the front door and took in a deep breath. Ryan's car was out front, so maybe he had just forgotten about therapy or something.
She shook her head, not even believing herself.
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"Ha, told you so." Seth said with a smirk. He just rolled his eyes and Seth said, "I think you owe me an apology."
He shook his head and said, "Do you really blame me for not believing your story about having a girlfriend." At his friend's expression, it was his turn to smirk. "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Seth rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever...I'm going to go get drinks." He looked at Anna and said, "Anything you want?"
Anna shook her head and said, "No, I'm fine, thanks." She smiled at Seth and Seth smiled back at her, not going unnoticed by Ryan.
He looked at Anna and after Seth left he said, "So, you're into Seth huh?"
She nodded and looked at him. "He's so different from any other guy I've met." She looked off to where Seth was getting a drink and said, "And we have similar interests. It's hard to find a decent guy sometimes."
He looked after his adoptive brother and smiled slightly. "He's a good guy." He turned to Anna again and said, "Don't hurt him."
She shook her head and smiled at him. "I won't."
It was a bad day. Well, it was a really bad day. He'd had heard people talk about depression before, how it really tore you down and ruined you. What he hadn't heard was the way it made you want to shout and cry and scream at anyone and everyone that would listen and ask why this had happened to you, what had you done to deserve it. But at the same time, you couldn't say anything, because a part of you was almost dead, lifeless, and utterly dull. You wanted to shout, but you didn't have the words. You wanted to hit something, but you didn't have the energy. You wanted to cry, but you didn't have the tears.
That is what it felt like to be depressed. That, on that day, is what it felt like to be Ryan Atwood.
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When the door opened, she didn't know whether to jump for joy or to frown at the person in front of her. Marissa ran her eyes over him, taking in his appearance. His hair was messy and looked like he hadn't gotten out of bed. His clothes were wrinkled and she was sure he'd been wearing them for a while. There were bags under his eyes, but none of that compared to the way he looked at her with his eyes. They were so emotionless, something she'd never really seen in his eyes. Whenever she was near him, or talked, or smiled even, his eyes always held a tiny spark in them, a tiny twinkle that had somehow made her feel special, even though she knew that it was wrong.
But now, his eyes were dull and lifeless. They were a really light blue, almost a gray even, something that she'd never expected to see in his eyes. There was something truly wrong with him, and she wanted to know what. "Why are you here?" He asked, not sounding happy and upbeat and happy to be in her presence like he usually was.
She moved past him into the house without waiting for him to invite her in, somehow knowing that he wasn't and said, "Why am I here?" She turned around and put her hands on her hips, glaring at him. "I was worried about you. You didn't show up for therapy."
He stared at her and then walked past her and said, "Sorry, I was…uh…busy."
She could feel herself becoming angry with him and said, "Busy." He nodded and kept walking and she said, "Ryan, stop." He stopped and looked at her, giving her a 'what the hell do you want' look. "Busy with what?"
He looked around as if he was coming up with a good lie and said, "Busy with….stuff." He nodded to emphasize it and she rolled her eyes.
"What have you been doing?" She asked, becoming quite aggravated with him.
He sighed and said, "Do you want to know the truth?"
She nodded and said, "Yeah."
He sighed and took her hand and led her up to his room. She felt a little uncomfortable to be in it, but also curious at the same time. He had a large room, with a large king size bed and she started to think about how it could be used when Ryan said, "Here."
She didn't understand him and asked, "Here?"
He nodded and said, "I've been right here." He pointed to the bed and said, "I've been here, thinking about what happened exactly six months ago today."
She looked at him and then remembered. Her eyes got wide and she said, "Ryan, I'm so sorry…"
"For what?" He asked quickly. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for."
"But still, I could've remembered…I mean…" She then realized that there was nothing that she could do to take away the pain. There was nothing she could say. She sighed and said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
He thought about it and then said, "Yeah, I'd like it if you would take me to the house."
"The house?" She questioned.
He nodded and said, "The Cohen house. I haven't been there since that night. Maybe if I go there, I'll remember."
She nodded and said, "Well, I guess we're going to the house then."
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He looked down at his watch and saw that it was getting kind of late. He went up to Sandy and Kirsten and said, "Me and look should get going." He gave them a smile and said, "But great party."
They looked at him sadly and Kirsten said, "Well, we can understand that. Just make sure you come around though. And we need to start talking about Seth's birthday party…you know how he gets about those things." She put her arms around him and said, "We love you."
He pulled back from the hug and looked at them and said, "I love you guys too."
So many things had happened here, so many things he'd said and done. So many lives were changed, so many lives lost. Ryan walked around the house, and bits and pieces of previous memories came back to him. His first night in the house, the first time he met Seth, the first time he met Kirsten. His last night here before he went to college, his last Chrismukkah with the Cohens, his last day with the Cohens. The Cohens screaming for help. The way they looked after being shot.
The way their eyes rolled back in their head, the way the blood pooled to the floor. The way everything around him smelled of blood and death. The way everything went from so quiet to so loud. The way he ran with everyone else, the way he tried to help people.
He walked through the house that he'd been to so much and when he was done walking through this place filled with memories, he walked back to Marissa who was hugging herself tightly. He thought about how he wished he'd been able to take her into this house when the Cohens were alive and introduce her to them. He thought about how they would've been delighted to meet this woman who he had so quickly gotten feelings for. He looked into her eyes which looked frightened and a bit sad and said what everyone had been wanting him to say for the past six months. He said what he'd secretly hoped he'd never have to say. He walked up to her and said, "I remember."
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"I love you guys too."
Just then, there was a loud sound, almost like a firecracker. It mad everyone stop in their tracks. Everyone turned their heads and suddenly there were screams, loud shrieks. Everyone was afraid to move, afraid of what was going on. Someone yelled, "You just killed him!"
"Do you want to be next?" Came a male voice. Ryan's eyes widened. He'd heard of what it was like to hear gunshots before, but he'd never actually heard one for real. Movies couldn't do any justice to the sound. There were screams, and then another shot came. A figure appeared from the house and asked, "Who's next?"
"Everybody get down!" Ryan yelled, but no one really listened. Everyone was too busy watching the figure coming towards them. No one could see them yet, but everyone could tell it was a male. That was the problem with this town. Everyone always wanted to know what was going on, everyone had to be informed about everything that was happening. Couldn't they understand that this was life threatening?
He started to run away, tried to drag the Cohens, but suddenly it became too late. He hadn't been looking out for Luke. The figure got a wicked laugh and walked towards Ryan's friend. Luke held up his hands and said, "Don't shoot me…I've….I've never been to one of these before. I don't know most of the people here." He looked over to Ryan and he could see the fear in his friend's eyes.
The figure laughed bitterly and said, "You're lucky then." And then he shot Luke in the stomach.
He saw Luke fall and wanted to say something, but then Sandy spoke up instead. "What do you think you're doing?" He asked in a bit of a shaky voice. "Why are you doing this?" He corrected.
The figure walked towards him and said, "Because no one cared what I did before, why should they care now?" He walked towards Sandy and said, "No one even knows who I am." He looked to a woman who was holding her child in her arms and said, "You, what's my name?"
The lady started crying and said, "I don't know."
His eyes were hard and cold and he said, "I thought so." He shot her and her child on the spot. He looked at a man that was about Ryan's age and said, "You, do you know anything about me?"
The man shook his head and said, "No, I've never seen you before."
The shooter shook his head and said, "I sat next to you every single day in our senior year. Every single fucking day." He shot the guy in the head, and laughed when he fell to the ground, part of his head missing.
He turned to Sandy and said, "That's why, right there."
Sandy shook his head and said, "That isn't a reason for this. You can stop now, it's not too late."
But the person wasn't looking for a long speech about what was right and wrong and rolled his eyes and lifted the gun, pointing it at Sandy's head. "You know, you talk too much, has anyone ever told you that?" One shot, and now Sandy would never talk again.
He turned and looked and everyone started running. He started shooting random people, laughing his evil laugh the whole time. Ryan watched everyone he grew up with, cared for, loved, be shot right in front of his eyes. He looked at the shooter's face and remembered that he'd seen him before. Ryan ran around and tried to help people, tried to save whoever he could. He would hide when he saw the shooter's gun lift. He managed to avoid the shot, managed to stay out of sight. But after everyone was suffering, after almost everyone else was shot, he was obviously the only one moving.
The shooter looked into his eyes and said, "What about you? Do you have something you want to say before I kill you too?"
He nodded and said, "Oliver Trask. Harbor High, you were held back and were in my grade. I watched you, watched how people hurt you, but never dared to help in fear that I'd end up getting in trouble."
He saw the way Oliver's eyes started to water. So Ryan continued. "I saw when Jennifer Brooks broke up with you. I saw the way you went into the restroom and came out with your wrists slit. I saw the way everyone looked at you like you were stupid. When you weren't looking, I'd get mad at them. I never joined in, I never stopped them completely, but sometimes I tried."
He saw the tears start to fall down Oliver's face and he said, "Look what you've done man. All because no one knew who you were? Know that I cared." He took in a deep breath and felt the tears stinging the back of his eyes, but he wouldn't cry. "So go ahead, shoot me." He gave Oliver a daring look.
Oliver shook his head and said, "No, I won't."
He was bewildered. "Why not? You killed everyone else. Why not kill me?"
Oliver started to walk away and said, "Someone has to live to tell the story." Oliver lifted the gun to his own head. Ryan wouldn't let him kill himself though, he couldn't let Oliver get away with this.
"No, don't do it!" He yelled, and tackled Oliver. Oliver broke free though and grabbed the gun and started to run. Ryan got up and followed, but Oliver turned and shoved him with all his might, sending him back and his head hit the edge of a table. He was on the verge of blacking out, and right before he closed his eyes, he heard sirens in the background. But above that, he heard a gunshot.
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Marissa was pacing back and forth from the other side of the glass in the negotiating room at the police station. She saw the way this was effecting Ryan, how hard it was for him to talk about what happened. More than anything she wanted to go in there and hold his hand, hold him, tell him that everything was going to be okay. But she was only allowed to watch from over here and it was eating her up inside to see Ryan going through this without her help. He needed her, couldn't everyone see that.
"So it was Oliver Trask?" Detective Harper asked. Ryan nodded and the detective said, "I need you to answer for the record."
"Yes." Ryan said quietly.
"And you heard a gunshot afterwards?" The detective asked.
"Yes." Ryan replied.
"And then you blacked out?"
"Yes." He repeated, clearly getting annoyed. "Look, I told you what happened. The guy you want is obviously dead."
Marissa sighed and leaned against the glass, wanting to comfort Ryan. The detective nodded and said, "So after this, you couldn't remember anything else?"
"No, I remember waking up in the hospital with no memory of what had happened." Ryan said.
The detective nodded and put his hands on the table, leaning on it. "Mr. Trask's body was found a couple of days later somewhere a little while away from the Cohen house. I guess we didn't put two and two together." He looked at Ryan and said, "You're free to go, thanks for the help."
Ryan nodded and got up, and Marissa quickly walked out of the room she was in and walked to him. He looked at her and walked up to her, and without saying anything, she took his hand and led him to the car they had driven in outside. She wanted to say so much to him, wanted to tell him how proud she was of him for doing such a good job with the detective, but couldn't seem to find the words. He didn't say anything to her either, so they drove back to his house in silence. When they got there, Ryan still didn't say anything to her, didn't even look at her. She was confused to why he was practically ignoring her, but followed him inside quietly.
When they were there, he walked to his living room and sat on his couch. He put his head in his hands and sighed. Finally he looked up at her and said, "What an emotional day huh?" He gave her a weak smile and patted the spot next to him on the couch.
She went and sat down beside him, making sure to keep her distance in case he didn't want to be close to her. "Yeah, I guess it has been." She looked at him, the way he seemed tired and drained. "How are you feeling?" She asked.
"Fine I guess." He said, looking down. She didn't buy it.
"Ryan, tell me." She said.
He shook his head and said, "You wouldn't understand. No one understands what it's like to feel this miserable."
She shook her head and said, "When Caitlin and dad died, I remember going on like it was okay. I didn't cry a lot, and thought I was doing good. But then it just hit me one day randomly that they were never coming back. It hurt, you know, knowing that you'd never see them again." She looked at him and said, "I went into this fit of depression. I blocked everyone out and wanted to stay in my room all day. My mom sort of was in her own world so didn't notice. I thought I was all alone." She saw him turn to her and said, "But how could I understand how you're feeling right? That was totally different."
She raised her eyebrows and he said, "How do you do it?"
"Do what?" she asked.
"How do you read me like that?" He asked, a slight flash of amazement in his eyes.
She shrugged and said, "It's my job."
He shook his head and said, "It's more than that and you know it." He looked into her eyes, and she quickly looked away.
She ignored his comment and said, "So you never answered my question. How do you feel?"
He sighed and said, "I feel like crap. I feel like nothing. I feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe, always getting stepped on and hurt. I feel like I want to scream, but it takes too much effort. I want to cry, but don't know how. I want to move on, but I can't. So I'm stuck here in this phase, feeling like there's nothing left for me to live for. I've lost my family, my friend, my whole life." He looked up at her and said, "But then you come. And suddenly, I want to sleep."
She looked at him curiously. "I make you want to sleep? Wow, I didn't know I was that boring."
He shook his head and laughed. "No, not that way. I haven't slept well for days, and now I have the sudden desire to close my eyes and start over again." He sighed and said, "But I just don't know how."
She smiled and said, "come here." He scooted closer to her and lay his head on her lap. He looked up into her eyes and she smiled down at him. "It'll all get better." She said. She ran her hand along his face, rubbing his cheek softly. She ran a hand through his hair, soothing him. She saw him start to fall asleep, and she hummed softly to him. She watched him and when she heard his breathing even out, she knew he was fast asleep. She didn't move to get up. She didn't want to get up if she was honest with herself. She knew that soon she was going to want to cross a line that she'd never crossed before. She was going to want to give into her feelings that were starting to form for Ryan. But for now, as Ryan said, she wanted to sleep. She wanted to close her eyes and forget about her problems and wake up new and refreshed.
But she didn't close her eyes. Instead she looked down at Ryan's sleeping face and tried to make sense of everything. She tried to predict what would happen in these coming months between her and Ryan. But she came up with nothing. Instead, she just ran a hand through Ryan's hair, marveling at how good it felt to have some sort of contact with him. And when she was sure he was in a deep sleep, she gently lifted his head and stood up. But before she left, she kneeled down by the couch and whispered, "It'll all be okay." And gently, so that she wouldn't wake him, she kissed him goodbye. He'd never find out, she would make sure of that, and even though he had no clue what had just happened between them, she left all giddy and happy.
And even though she knew no good could come from it, she wished that she could do it again...with him awake.