Chapter Nine: How Many Jedi Does it Take?
"Thane?"
Someone smacked him on the cheek, which woke him right up.
"Whaddya do that for?" Thane asked, rubbing his cheek and sitting up. He looked up at Brazilla and Garth, squinting against the bright sunlight. "And why the hell am I lying around in the grass? …covered in blood. Yuck"
"Mommy-probiotic bowled you over. That's her over there," Brazilla pointed at the two lengthwise halves of an enormous hound. "I'd say you got the last laugh."
Thane smiled at her. "Y'know, 'Zill, blood really brings out your eyes."
"What? You must've hit your head when you fell."
Thane shook his head and leaned back in the very tall grass. Somebody was badly neglecting their mowing responsibilities.
"Seriously. That smear on your right cheek makes your eyes glow. Unless it's bloodlust. …Or some other kind of lust." He patted the ground next to him.
Brazilla bristled. "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer."
Thane frowned and looked at Garth. "I've always found that to be a very strange answer. Help me up, will you."
Garth did and before he could respond, the big Jedi went on. "So, I guess we've got to keep an eye out for those things. They're nasty."
"Yes they are," Brazilla said. "But shouldn't you be focusing on where you need to go?"
Thane shrugged. "We have to head between those two columns, twiddle our thumbs for a couple of minutes, and then take a left at the maple, which just so happens to be the first tree in the grove where the house full of anti-light is. I've got it covered."
"Apparently so. How?"
"I've got this sort of internal map. It's almost like I've done this exact same thing three or four times before. Strange, hmm?"
"A little, yes," Brazilla said. "But if you know what you're doing, who am I to argue."
"Fair enough. This way," Thane said as he tramped off through the waist high prairie. Brazilla and Garth followed in his grassy wake, silent as per their instructions.
--
As it turned out, Thane's internal map wasn't quite as reliable as he thought it was. The team wandered around in the plains for hours, killing probiotics and really big spiders, solving murders, playing matchmaker and peacemaker, and fixing broken homes. By the time they saw the maple (which was actually the ninth or tenth maple they'd seen so far that day), even the Jedi were exhausted. Garth could barely stand.
"I am very glad," the soldier said while leaning on the maple, "that I am not allowed to help you. This had better be it, Thane."
"It is," Brazilla said. Both men looked at her. "Sorry."
"That's helping me, you know."
"I wasn't helping you," she reasoned. "I was telling Garth that we were here. You just happened to be within earshot."
Thane pointed at her, his jaw slack, before putting his finger away. "Okay. Whatever. I'm not the one who cares. Let's go."
He turned around and started off through the grove. For the most part, it was a pleasant stroll through what turned out to be fruit trees. Springtime had come to Dannon and the air was filled with blossoms, birds and bees, and a sort of undersmell that twanged the nose. Thane and folk quickly grew used to it, as you do, and they walked deeper into the grove, not knowing what waited for them on the other side.
The first hint they got of this anti-light Thane was supposed to do away with was when the fruit trees were replaced with black locust. The trees stood bare of all leaves, their black branches more like skeletal fingers reaching for the sky than anything else. When the wind blew through the grave-like grove, the branches rattled like the bones of the restless and vengeful dead (to continue the simile). The strangest thing that Thane noted was how all bird song stopped the moment they crossed the threshold.
Just to make sure he hadn't gone deaf, Thane took one step back. Birds. One step forward; silence. And what could possibly be the melody of Obscured by Clouds, though he couldn't be sure.
"This place is really creepy," Thane said.
"Yeah, no kidding," Garth responded. Brazilla said nothing as she stood just this side of the tree line.
"You all right there, sweetheart?" Thane asked.
"Yeah," Brazilla said. "I'm fine."
Thane wasn't convinced. "You know, if you need your mommy or daddy, I can fill in for one of those. Haunted forests can be a big bad scary thing for a sweet little girl like yourself."
"Get stuffed," Brazilla said. "I've faced worse."
"I wouldn't know." Thane studied her before turning around and continuing on.
"You wouldn't, would you," Brazilla said under her breath, angry. Thane turned to look at her over his shoulder and winked. He hadn't heard what she said, but he somehow knew it was directed at him. Brazilla just sighed and followed several paces behind the men.
--
The little log cabin appeared out of a particularly dense section of the locust grove in a bramble patch of dead blackberry. The party wasn't sure if it had been there the entire time or if they had triggered some cloaking device to turn off, which seemed backwards. After a moment, though, Thane paid it no never mind.
"I'm thinking that that's where I need to be."
It was almost as if there was a big flashing neon sign in the shape of an arrow that read Taint. Instead, there was an inexplicable dilapidated wooden sign in the shape of a ghost sticking out of the ground that had the words boo goes there sprawled out in crooked lettering on its chest. Thane considered making some wisecrack about it but chose not to when the right words didn't form themselves in his mind. Probably, he thought, I'll think of something awesome in about two minutes when it's too late.
Some mist rolled across the ground, a little late for full effect.
Thane turned to Brazilla. "Isn't the Force supposed to guide me?"
"It can be finicky sometimes."
"Lovely."
"Yes?"
Thane smiled and gave a slight pump of his arm. "I meant as in 'oh isn't that great', but that's awesome you thought I was addressing you. I love it."
Brazilla frowned as Garth leaned towards Thane. "Do you ever think you might be taking it a little far?" he asked.
"Not really," Thane responded. He rubbed his hands together and glanced back at the cabin. Grass was growing on its roof and what Thane figured were doors were about three feet too short and just as wide. The roof, however, peaked a good six feet above their heads (six and a quarter for Brazilla), so Thane figured this was some forgotten hideaway left behind by Dannon's tall conquerors.
Obscured by Clouds began its eleventh loop, which was convenient considering it was now the eleventh hour. The hair on the back of Thane's neck stood up.
The three of them stood there for several minutes before Brazilla spoke, causing the men to jump.
"Shouldn't you be getting on?"
"On who?"
"On with your task"
"Oh right, that." Thane turned to look at the log cabin.
"Surely the Force is guiding you now."
Thane's lips tightened. "Yeah, it's been giving me a number of good shoves for about a minute. I guess the generator was down before that."
Brazilla frowned and was about to comment on how silly that sounded since the Force was virtually everywhere virtually all the time. Her mind, however, tripped over the word virtually and she kept her mouth shut.
"You know," Garth said, stepping into the conversation. "The faster you get this over with, the faster we can get back to the Conclave."
"That is a very good point. I like the way you think." Thane gave the air in front of him a couple of good punches. "Okay, I think I'm ready."
"Good luck," Garth said to his back.
"There's no such thing as luck," Brazilla told the soldier. "Only the Force."
Thane ignored them. It took every ounce of concentration and then some to approach the small building. Thane (as far as he could remember) never deliberately put himself in harm's way, so it was strange when the familiar flutter of imminent danger that erupted in his belly caused an overload of endorphins to flood his brain rather than the fight or flight reaction he was expecting. Thane told himself he should be running for the hills. Instead, he found that all he wanted to do was walk through that very short door and deal with whatever was behind it.
"Dammit," he muttered. His Jedi training was getting the best of him. Stupid newly ingrained heroics.
As Thane approached the building, he was just able to make out the silhouette of a pair of shapely legs in doeskin boots. Something in the back of Thane's mind perked up. A woman. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Women he could deal with easily.
He couldn't see more than the woman's booted calves until he got close enough to touch the cabin and even then, it was quite dark in there, which made seeing difficult. Rather than ducking inside right away, Thane kneeled just outside the door to assess the situation—which meant checking out the woman.
She was a blonde, waif-like girl who looked as if she could give Brazilla a run for her money in the height department. It didn't take much study to see that she was young—maybe twenty-three—and there was an air about her of pure and crackling energy that something in Thane's mind immediately pinned as Jedi. Of course, her frizzy, banana-curled hair floating in a field of electricity gave off the same effervescent impression. After a long minute (or possibly two short minutes), Thane came to the decision that she reminded him of an angel. He had never seen one, but she was probably the closest the galaxy would see for about 5,000 years.
When she turned to look at Thane over her shoulder, flecks of gold in otherwise violet eyes flashed. Thane expected to be struck down very, very dead where he kneeled any second now…
…?
Instead, she smiled at him. He crinkled his nose at the smell of burning hair and the Force tickled the back of his mind.
"Okay, I hear you," Thane muttered at the Force as he ducked the rest of the way under the low door, managing to hit his head even though he was more than doubled over. As per their instructions, Brazilla and Garth loitered outside and didn't have to attempt the same feat.
As he turned his attention from the young woman to the room, Thane fingered the hilt of his new weapon. It felt strange, just hanging there, but somehow terribly familiar. Little memory bubbles started to burst in his mind that were too random to make any sort of sense. What little Thane saw, though, frightened him.
The woman's voice cut through his thoughts, popping all of the bubbles at once. Thane nearly went momentarily insane.
"Hvem er du?" the woman asked, her accent thick. In fact, it took Thane nearly half a minute to realize she was speaking a different language. She turned around fully in the time it took him to grasp that, lifting her brow and Thane suddenly knew he had finally met his female counterpart. He wasn't sure how he knew, but there it was; knowledge of some sort. "Hvorfor er du her?"
"Erm…" Thane said rather eloquently.
"Er du fra det Je-edi Conclave?" She was holding a blackened lightsaber hilt that looked as though it had exploded. Or that something had exploded on it. Hanging from the ceiling were the remains of a bare light bulb. "Jeg er en Je-edi også. Jeg har rejst fra kysten til kysten for at finde en skygge i himmelen. Den var her men jeg har besejret den skygge. Jeg er alle ved fordi den skygge er i mig nu. Du skal knæler."
"You have got to be kidding me," Thane said. And then, "I don't understand a word you're saying."
The light that made her eyes glow faded and she shook her head. It was almost as if some entity that had possessed her left in frustration. Thane could still feel some thing in the room, but its location was hard to pinpoint seeing as it was everywhere.
"You are from the Conclave?" she asked again.
Thane took a moment to think, which was coming easier these days. Maybe sobriety wasn't so bad.
Nah.
"Well, that's where I departed from," Thane said slowly, "but I wouldn't say that's where I'm from. If I must be from anywhere, I would say that I am from the stars. Created from stardust. Born out of the enigma that is the void. I'm Thane Sunrider, son of no one."
Thane looked pleased with himself. The waif frowned. The thing oppressed.
"I heard you were from Ferris," she said.
"Why does everyone keep saying that?"
She shrugged. "I am Erika Leifsson. This is my planet."
"I think you mean that this planet is your home."
"No, I mean what I mean. I'm directly descended from the man who conquered Dannon. The Jedi and the settlers are our guests."
Great, Thane found himself thinking; now I have to deal with a delusional she-Viking. And whatever the hell that is.
"Speaking of the Jedi," Thane said. "I was sort of sent out here to deal with you."
"Deal with me?"
"That's what I said."
She was silent for a moment before going on. "That's strange."
"Oh, I don't know," Thane said with a gesture. "From what I hear, the Masters get off on having other people do their dirty work."
"Not that," Erika said. "I was told to come here as well, for my trials. Indirectly, of course. I traveled for nearly a season to find this place."
"To do away with a taint? Is that was that whole gibberish-nonsense was about?"
"Ja," she said with a nod. The entity swelled when they acknowledged its presence. "I thought I had defeated it, but it instead took up residence in my head."
"Ah, you did sound pretty threatening."
She shrugged. "It comes with being possessed. But you seemed to have frightened it away."
"I think," Thane started in a flash of brilliance, "that because I didn't notice it, it became insecure and went to hide."
"Hvad? Er… What?"
"I think whatever it is thrives on attention."
Erika still looked confused. "How do we defeat it, then? If we fight it, it'll just grow stronger, ja?"
"We have to ignore it." Thane was on the verge of giving himself a pat on the back. "And if I'm right, well, it will simply cease to exist."
"Um…"
"Give me the benefit of the doubt, sweetheart. I'm good. Real good."
"I'm sure you are, but let's save that for a little later on." She lowered her center of gravity, ready to fight. Thane grabbed her by the arm and held on firmly. Each muscle beneath his fingers flexed and released.
"Just turn your back, honey. No need to fight."
A smile spread across her lips and into her eyes. "Later, lover."
"You have got to get your mind out of the gutter, at least until we get out of this pickle," Thane said, taken aback that he was the one saying that. He wasn't a shy man, but he wasn't sure if he had ever met a woman who insinuated in his league. Usually, he dealt with the more subtle wiles of a woman.
Her lids drooped to a smoldering width. "It took up residence there a long time ago with the crocs and the rats. It happens when you surround yourself with teenage boys at an impressionable young age. The Masters hate it, but it's too late to turn back now. Besides, it's fun to make people…" pause "writhe."
Thane looked at her. He wasn't sure if he hated her or had just fallen head-over-heels in love with her. Now, however, was not the time to make that decision and he continued to hold on to her arm as she bent over to fetch a fashionable black jacket with a large, fur-lined hood.
"Okay, ready to go," she said, her voice taking a young and upbeat tone. "So, how many Jedi does it take to change a light bulb?"
Thane's voice broke. "Pardon?"
"How many Jedi does it take to change a light bulb?" she repeated, gesturing towards the remains of the bare light bulb. The thing lay forgotten in the corner and ceased to be.
"I don't know."
"None. That's a task for a Padawan."
"Heh." Thane continued to hold her just above the elbow as they stooped under the low door. "Okay, I've got one: How many Jedi Masters does it take to change a light bulb?"
"You got me."
"None. They would rather meditate on why the bulb went out. Besides, that's a task for a Padawan."
Erika's laugh was like a song and Thane found himself love-hating her even more. They were kindred spirits, of a sort, only he had twelve years on her. It was something like, but not necessarily Beauty and the Beast. Thane put his arm over her shoulder; she didn't fight. Instead, her eyes sparkled as they approached Thane's companions.
"How many Padawans does it take to change a light bulb?" she said, her eyes still on her new buddy even though they were getting quite close to the others.
"Is it done?" Brazilla asked.
Thane waved at her. "Shh… Go on, kid."
Erika looked Brazilla up and down with a critical eye as she told him the punch line. "None, 'cause they're not allowed to do anything on their own."
Thane grinned. Brazilla did not look amused.
"Who's this?" she asked.
The younger woman answered, her voice just as cool. "Erika Leifsson. And you're Brazilla Sham. Don't look so flattered."
"Why should I be flattered you know who I am?"
Erika didn't dignify that with an answer. Thane and Garth looked at each other.
"Anyway…" the big Jedi said as the group started the journey back to the Conclave. "Erika, how many Skywalkers does it take to change a light bulb?"
"None; it's easier to fall to the Dark Side. Everyone knows that one." She nudged Thane in the ribs before putting her arm around his waist. It was almost as if they were newly reunited best friends even though they had never met. Really. She was one of the few people in the Conclave who didn't know much about the heroics of Thane Sunrider. "How many disembodied Jedi ghosts does it take to change a light bulb?"
"You got me."
"All of them, because they're one with the Force."
Only Thane chuckled. They weren't good jokes, but they were better than walking in silence. Brazilla rolled her eyes and sped up to take the lead.
"How many Sith students does it take to change a light bulb?" Thane challenged. "Two; one to do the dirty work and the other to kill him and take the credit"
This one, however, caught Brazilla's attention.
"How many Jedi does it take to change a light bulb?" Erika responded. "As many as are needed to foil the plans of the Dark Side."
Thane parried with: "How many Sith does it take to change a light bulb? Two, because they only come in pairs."
Brazilla frowned. She didn't like the turn these jokes had taken.
"How many Knights does it take to change a lightbulb? Two; one to do it, the other to make sure she doesn't fall," came Erika's block.
Thane lunged: "How many Sith Lords does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many, lover?" Erika asked, completely wrapped up in Thane.
He lowered his voice and struck the killing blow. "None, because he has an entire galaxy to do that for him."
Erika giggled as her strange eyes caught the shadow of the black locust grove.
Oh my, Brazilla thought.
A/N: So, I discovered that I have to get into the mind of a male chauvinist in order to write this thing. Not terribly hard considering I (a female) spent the end of high school in the low brass section (all boys) and practically became one of them, but it still takes some work. And, hot damn, these things are flying out of my brain. I don't know what sort of cache I've stumbled onto, but it certainly is a good one.
Oh, and Obscured by Clouds is a Pink Floyd song; my father and I came up with the light bulb jokes during a hike; Flight of the Conchords is paraphrased here and there; and Erika's crazy language is basically correct Danish translated as thus:
"Hvem er du?Hvorfor er du her?" (Who are you? Why are you here?)
"Er du fra det Je-edi Conclave? Jeg er en Je-edi også. Jeg har rejst fra kysten til kysten for at finde en skygge i himmelen. Den var her men jeg har besejret den skygge. Jeg er alle ved fordi den skygge er i mig nu. Du skal knæler. (Are you from the Jedi Conclave? I am also a Jedi. I have traveled from coast to coast to find a shadow in the sky. It was here, but I have defeated the shadow. I am all knowing because the shadow is in me now. You shall kneel.)