Chapter Ten: Deja Cop Out, or There's Something About Mary Sue
"Er du na-arcoleptic?" came a voice through his dreams. Thane blinked twice unsuccessfully before waking to Erika's gold-flecked, violet eyes. At this distance (which was very close) he could make out tiny creeks of blue and little lawns of green.
"Mmno," was his half-awake response. He blinked again and rubbed at sleep gunk in the corner of his eye while not immediately wondering why Erika was so close. His nose appreciated it, though; she smelled nice.
As Thane became more aware of where he was, it became increasingly obvious that she wasn't quite as close as he had originally perceived, especially now that she had leaned back into a seated position in the middle of the floor. Before noticing they were back in the Velour Pigeon rather than safely on the ground, Thane took stock of what Erika was wearing and though he wouldn't be able to place (or, indeed, understand) the reference, Erika looked as if she had just stepped out of a 1984 jazzercise class. What completed the outfit of shiny blue spandex shorts, a cut and cropped sweatshirt, and pink leg warmers was the sideways-top-of-the-head pony tail that had her curly blonde hair frizzing in every direction. Her lightsaber hung from a rainbow belt.
She tilted her head to one side. "Hvorfor sover du altid?"
"Basic, rainbow bright. I don't understand gibberish."
"Than why are you always sleeping?" she translated.
"Sobriety is tiring."
By the set of her lips, Erika didn't like that answer. "But you drank down the house at Val's Hall last night in celebration."
Thane furrowed his brow. "What?"
"They had to close early because they ran out of booze."
"Oh. I don't remember." He frowned. "When did we leave Dannon?"
Erika tilted her head to one side. "Two days ago. You've been asleep this entire time. Do you even remember going on that other mission for the Masters?"
"Vaguely." He began to massage his temples, willing away his headache. Any moment now, his hangover would subside and he would be ready to take on almost anything the galaxy threw at him.
After about three minutes, it finally occurred to Thane to ask: "Why are you in my room?"
"I was bored."
"I'm not a source of entertainment."
"I beg to differ." The smile on her face was mischievous. "You put on quite a show in bed. You seemed to be having so much fun, in fact, that I was tempted to join you."
"Er…what?"
"I've got this talent, see, to get into people's heads and sometimes under their skin if I concentrate hard enough. It's a pretty useful way to spy on people."
"Sounds dangerous."
"Very. Borderline Dark Side. The Masters don't appreciate it. So what were you dreaming about? It seemed fascinating, the few scenes I picked up just sitting here."
"I think it was about a land clam nestled in some roots."
"A land clam? I must have been listening in to someone else's dream… What the hell is a land clam?"
"I don't know, but you were there. And it was kind of dark, so it could have been anything. Don't ask me how my brain rationalizes things. It's not logical."
Erika blinked her big eyes. "Apparently not."
They stared at each other and Thane became acutely aware that he wasn't wearing any trousers.
"Is there any other reason you're here? Like, to tell me that we've arrived somewhere?" He gathered his blankets around him. That attracted Erika's attention if anything.
"I think Garth said something about arriving in high orbit around Cash, but I don't really remember. He was blabbering on too much about the sad history of the planet's name. Something about it being named after some famous singer and then it becoming the center of a slave trade ring because of its misleading name, which, as history now shows, became a very accurate name. Cash really does grow in trees." Erika grinned widely. "Men jeg kan huske ikke hvorfor vi er her. Do you know?"
"Gibberish."
"What? Oh. Right. Er…" She rocked back on her haunches as she thought about a translation. "Do you remember why we're here?"
Thane furrowed his brow as he pushed through the fog in his brain, trying to remember what else he had done for the Masters back on Dannon. It had something to do with the dream he had just had…
"I think it's to check out a Map of Stars' Homes." Thane said, remembering. It was nice being able to do that rather than having to rely on someone else to do it for him. Still, he was a little frustrated that he couldn't remember much of anything about the actual experience. It seemed like some sort of cheap trick, though Thane couldn't even begin to guess at what sort of strategy was being employed or by whom. Maybe it was the Dark Side. "I guess you didn't come with Garth, Brazilla, and I when we found that one on Dannon. It was pretty crazy even though it was broken. Ripped and junk. So, the Masters want us to bop around to a few other planets to see if we can't get the whole picture. Garth was disappointed that M4-7Brangelina wasn't shown." Thane looked perfectly impish. "You might want to change, though, if you plan on hitting the ground. Pirates and slavers are attracted to bright things."
She looked at her outfit and then back at Thane. "I got dressed in the dark."
"I never would have guessed."
"Aren't you precious," she said, standing. Putting tell-tale white ear buds in her ears, Erika planted a kiss on Thane's forehead before sashaying out of his cabin. She turned a wink over her shoulder as she crossed the threshold and continued down the hall in a fashion that would make any model jealous. Brazilla scowled as she walked past.
--
The Velour Pigeon made a great show of its sickly nature as Garth wrestled it to the landing platform. Coolant crashed across the durasteel in a great tidal wave of vapor, freezing one pirate, two slavers, and about three-one-thousandths of a Cash tree. Gizmo strained her neck looking at the ridiculously tall trees, which meant she would have to stay behind for another mission.
"I'm really getting sick of this…ship," she said, rubbing the back of her neck. "I want to get off and get some fresh air."
Thane looked at her. "I'm sorry, but I don't have much use for you. Maybe if I run into some particularly stubborn doors I'll give you a call, but, honestly, everyone else is better in a fight than you are."
Thane looked around the room. Everyone nodded, including Canute "the Brute" Olav who, having been forgotten on Ferris, met up with them on Dannon. Thane couldn't remember how they knew him or why he was tagging along.
"Sorry, kid."
"I'm not a frackin' kid," she muttered.
But nobody heard her. They moved on to discussing grownup things, such as who really didn't want to go into the Undergrowth. Thane was the second (behind Erika) to raise his hand, but smiled and laughed when everyone else glowered at him.
"Just kidding, guys," he said. He really wasn't. It wasn't that Thane Sunrider, Alcohol Consumer of Lore, Conqueror of Virginity, and Jedi Knight, was afraid of the dark as much as he didn't feel up to trudging around in dirty up to his unmentionables. He'd much rather have gone to Taboo or Can'nonbea'ch first. A bit of sand on one, a bit of surf on the other. Dancers, cowgirls, beach bunnies, and surfer girls. Either one would have been much more enjoyable than stinky, sticky mud and monkeys in Thane's opinion.
"We should really be getting on," Brazilla said. Thane chose not to slide in a snide comment.
"And I suppose I can only pick two of you to come with me, hmm?" Thane said, scratching his roguish stubble. He looked his companions up and down. "I think I might have to go with the ladies. Sorry Garth, but I really don't feel like having a reprise of 'Friends in Low Places' today. Back on Ferris was enough."
The other man looked hurt.
"Sorry, buddy. Are we ready to go ladies?" he said, turning his attention to Brazilla and Erika, who had changed into a less bright, more Jediesque outfit of closefitting soft leather and hard-soled boots. The hood of her fashionable jacket cast her face in shadow, a bright pink gum bubble appearing from time to time. Her fingernails were painted neon green; her silver belt buckle a large skull. Thick army green legwarmers over black argyle socks peaked out from the tops of her boots. If asked, Thane would classify her as ultra-cool. Brazilla thought she was overdressed.
"I'm ready whenever you are, big shot," Erika said, pushing off the fur-lined hood and revealing a droopy knit hat that barely contained her curls. "Just say go."
Thane just stood there for a moment, wondering at his good fortune to have two female models/ Jedi in his midst. Sporty Brazilla and high fashion Erika; how could he have gotten so lucky? Apparently, somebody up there had taken a fancy to him.
He tilted his brow and smiled the proverbial lop-sided grin of scoundrels everywhere. "Go."
"Giddy-up," Erika said.
Brazilla rolled her eyes.
--
Saying the three Jedi were inconspicuous would be like saying dingo dogs didn't eat babies. A lie. Or maybe a half truth. Whatever. It wasn't their height (the Wookies had them there) nor was it the fact they wore weapons (the slavers each had more than the Jedi did combined); it was mostly because of Erika, who stood out like Satan in a confessional. She was happy, like a little bubble filled with joy. Slavers, as a rule, were not very upbeat.
"Look at these trees!" she said, holding her arms out. "They're amazing! Dannon's trees are just younglings compared to these. Have you ever seen anything like these, Thane?"
Thane smiled at her as she tugged on his arm. "I think I have, though I don't know where."
"It must have been here," Brazilla found herself saying, "because they don't grow anywhere else."
The other two Jedi looked back at her and Thane said, "Maybe you're right. I've probably brought arms here, what with Wookies pulling them off all the time. There's no other reason I can think of."
Brazilla nodded. "You're probably right."
But Erika had another idea. "Or maybe, baby, you're secretly Darth Relevant and you've been here before looking for the Map with your pasty apprentice Talck."
Thane gave her a hard look that triggered something in the back of Erika's mind, making her wonder if she had gone a little far. But when he started laughing—much like he had laughed when Brazilla revealed his Force prowess—Erika laughed as well. Brazilla tried, though it was rather forced, and when she caught the younger woman's eye, she saw that Erika seemed nervous, as if she was slowly making sense of things. But the moment quickly passed and Erika's strange eyes cleared of doubt.
"You'd think," Erika started, "that our current baddies would choose more intimidating names. Or at least more creative ones. Relevant sounds like he was looking for validation and Talck, well, I'm thinking that he just looked in the mirror one day and said bingo." She chuckled and ignored the slavers mixed looks of ill-placed lust, calculation, and fear that if they actually tried anything, they wouldn't technically be men much longer. They weren't dumb; they knew exactly what the piece hanging from her belt was. She popped a gum bubble and ignored them. "Maybe one of them should have just cut to the chase and called himself Whoopass. Just as creative and not at all subtle."
"I think he would have been laughed back to the Light Side," Thane said, grinning.
"But couldn't you imagine?" She hunched up her shoulders and narrowed her eyes to prepare for the impersonation. "I'm Darth Whoopass and I'm about to open a can on you. Prepare to die."
Thane grinned even wider. "And what, Erika, would his apprentice be named?"
"Robin? I don't know. Are apprentices really anything more than just Jedi sidekicks? All I ever did was point out the obvious before my Master showboated and saved the day." She shrugged before pointing at the wooden platform ahead of them. "Holy rotten wood, Thane!"
"Excuse me?"
They had passed through the part of the spaceport where sensible people remained and into the wilds where very few dared to go. The spaceport kept good care of their wooden platforms and the Wookies maintained theirs, but in this no man's land between encampments, the wood was rarely treated with the correct weatherproofing, which resulted in, "Holey rotten wood. See? We had better be careful if we don't want to… Shite…!"
And, having not quite followed the advice she was in the middle of giving, Erika took a misstep and disappeared in an Erika-sized hole in the holey rotten wood. Thane kneeled next to the hole and peered through, waving at Erika who was just climbing onto a large branch some twenty feet below them. She gestured rudely back.
"You all right there, Robin?"
"Come down here and I'll show you how all right I am." She was straddling the branch, her arms crossed over her breasts. Several leaves and a small branch were sticking out of her hair and it appeared as if she had swallowed her gum in the excitement of falling.
Thane and Brazilla looked at each other.
"We might as well go down here, I suppose. It's not that off target," Thane said.
"There's an elevator not too far away, you know."
"Pssh," Thane dismissed. "We don't need an elevator. This'll be more fun."
Brazilla rolled her eyes but didn't argue the matter. She did, however, mutter, "Men."
"Pardon?" asked Thane.
"Nothing. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that you're just going to poke around in the dark down there."
"I'm not poking around. I know where I'm going."
Erika cleared her throat. "Are you coming down or do I need to climb up?"
"No," Thane said, still looking at Brazilla. "We're going down."
Brazilla didn't look happy, but didn't say a word when Thane pulled out his lightsaber and started to cut a larger hole around the one Erika had inadvertently taken.
"Watch out below, honey," he said down to the fashionable she-Viking. "Ready or not here I come."
Thane hardly waited to deactivate his weapon before plugging his nose, waggling his fingers at Brazilla, and leaping into the opening he had created. Erika whooped as he plunged by and leapt off the branch she was sitting on. They bounded down to the planet's surface, leaping from branch to branch, chasing each other and racing each other until they landed in a laughing heap in a pile of leaves. They continued to lie there, telling more Jedi light bulb jokes, Erika's head on Thane's enviably toned stomach, as they watched Brazilla descend with more care than any pregnant woman had ever tackled a flight of stairs.
And because the Jedi were each distracted in his or her own way, none of them noticed the Force ripple as a small legion of monstrously large spiders marched in their direction, nor did they notice the grumpy old man whose misfortune it was to be named Jolie Pitt watch them from on high, suspicious they might be more paparazzi coming to bother him.
Which, of course, they would. Bother him, that is. Just as soon as they dealt with the spiders.
A/N: So, I think Erika's theme song would be "Woman Like a Man" by Damien Rice if it had to be anything, whereas Thane's might be "Something Special for the Ladies" by Flight of the Conchords. Or maybe "She's So Hot…Boom!" also by FOTC (Oh my God, she's so hot. She's so fucking hot she's like a curry. I've got to tell her how hot she is. But if I tell her how hot she is she'll think I'm being sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist. Bitch… Who's the boom king?).