A/N: Translations will now be provided at the bottom of the chapter thanks to a suggestion by Davin (thanks, dude).

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Chapter Twelve: They're Making it Through the Wilderness

Thane woke the next morning with cold feet and a stiff back. Packed dirt was not a terribly comfortable mattress; a fact Thane discovered within five minutes of ending up on the floor. Before dinner, he had claimed a large cushy chair and ottoman, figuring he was entitled to some comfort being the hero and all. Besides, he had reasoned, that left the large couch that could have easily fit both women, despite their height. He hadn't considered, of course, that the women weren't terribly fond of each other and would only consider sharing the couch if it meant the other one died some terrible death for sleeping somewhere else. They were Jedi, after all; life preservers. Death over a couch was not acceptable.

Of course, no one's life was at stake here and the women decided that claim jumping was not outside the restrictions of a Jedi. No one said they had to play fair, after all. So, when Thane had returned from answering nature at the risk of having his arms ripped off by some crazy Wookie, Erika was sleeping in his chair and Brazilla claimed the couch forcing Thane to curl up on the floor under a sheet (both women had also claimed the only two quilts Jolie gave them all to share).

He frowned at the ceiling and shivered. This was not what he signed on for when he agreed to save the galaxy from certain doom. Sith he could handle no problem. Sobriety he could deal with (though, his BAR was currently beeping, warning him that he had fallen dangerously below the legal limit; he didn't feel it, though). Waking up sore and cold he could not. Thane made a mental note of it as he sat up.

Behind him, Erika had thrown off her blanket during the night and was laying every which way, her mouth hanging open and her little white earbuds still in her ears pumping music. She was also only half on the furniture, her arched back the bridge between her hips, which were on the ottoman, and her shoulders, which were pressed firmly against the floor. At some point during the night, her knit hat had fallen off, letting loose on the world her mass of curls. It was almost frightening.

Brazilla, on the other hand, looked as if she hadn't moved. At all. Her hair was perfect, her make-up was perfect… Thane sighed. She was perfect. That was a sight he wouldn't mind waking up to every morning, though preferably she would be a little roughed up and he wouldn't be sore, at least not from sleeping on a damn floor. He wouldn't let them forget this. In fact, he decided to serve some piping hot retribution for breakfast.

Standing with an exaggerated groan, Thane clapped his hands together and began to sing a song he had picked up from some kids at the Conclave.

"Way up in the trees some big slugs eat leaves, while down on the ground, some little slugs crawl around…"

Erika snorted and fell off the ottoman, her legs going right over her head. She ended up in a position any yogi would have been proud of, staring in surprise at her belly button. Brazilla simply opened her eyes, though quickly and not without a little anger.

Thane went on, "With some slime on the left and some slime on the right, the little slugs sleep all through the night. Shut up, they're sleeping."

"Umph, we're up. Jeg sover ikke nu," Erika said, trying to untwist her body. Thane grinned at her and didn't stop.

"The bright sun comes up, the salt pours on them. Hasta la vista, the little slugs say."

"You're a right bastard." Erika was sitting on the floor and stuffing her hair into the knit cap, the curls that had escaped the wrath of frizz framing her face. "Hvad did you do that for?"

"Revenge, little thief."

"Revenge is Dark Side stuff," Erika said, standing. "Du skal spiller ikke med det. You shouldn't mess with it."

Thane regarded her, not used to hearing her spout Jedi philosophy. That was Brazilla's job. "It's all in good fun," he said.

Brazilla stepped in. "Anything that leads you down the path of the Dark Side shouldn't be good fun, Thane. It's a very serious matter."

"Lust is Dark Side-y," he said.

"Yes," she seemed to hesitate, especially when Thane grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Lust for power."

"That sounds like a justification," Erika said, regarding her elders. "Which can also lead to the Dark Side."

"Is there anything that doesn't lead to the Dark Side?" Thane asked.

Erika shrugged. "Kittens?"

"But only if you don't get possessive over them," Thane said. "And it's real easy to fall for those furry little fuzzballs and not give other people the chance to play with them. So, according to the reverend," in reference to Brazilla, "kittens lead to the Dark Side."

Brazilla threw her hands up in frustration. "Why do I even bother," she muttered, standing. She and Thane were very close.

"Because you want us to always look on the Light Side of life," Thane replied.

Brazilla gave him a hard stare but couldn't argue with his logic. The Jedi-turned-Sith Lord-turned-smuggler-turned-Jedi flashed her one of his brilliant smiles and he could practically see her knees go weak. Erika just shook her head and left for the kitchen, allowing Thane and Brazilla a silent, private moment to themselves during which they just looked at each other, their pinkies brushing, their breathing shallow. Thane searched the depths of Brazilla's hazel eyes just as she searched his baby blues and when Erika returned, neither Jedi noticed her until she cleared her throat so harshly she practically coughed up a lung.

Thane looked around the side of Brazilla's head at the young woman. Erika frowned slightly.

"If you two are done, we should probably head out. I've left Jolie a note on the counter." She was wearing her jacket, her hands shoved in the pockets. "I also grabbed some weird looking fruit in case either of you get hungry again."

Brazilla blushed, though only Thane could see it, and turned to leave Jolie's little house far ahead of the other two. Erika lifted her brow as she watched her go. "What's her dealio?"

Thane lifted his shoulders in a shrug. "Don't ask me. I don't get her."

Erika's frown turned into a mischievous grin. "I think she wants you to hold her and touch her."

"What?"

"She didn't know how lost she was, until she found you."

Thane looked at her. "Are you making fun of me?"

"Not in the least, lover boy," she said, hooking an arm through his. "But if we don't get on after her, she might just make it through the wilderness without you."

"Yeah, to the Map."

Erika sighed and shook her head. "I think the Force has something a little bigger planned for your little Jedi princess, Thane. We Jedi just know these things. Don't worry. You'll catch on again one day."

"Again?"

"…Right. Never mind. Let's go."

Thane gave his girl a funny look as she led him back into the forest in pursuit of his lady love and the Map.

--

It took Thane and Erika nearly thirty minutes to catch Brazilla up, at which point Thane told a terrible joke not worth repeating. Erika giggled if only to placate Thane's ego and Brazilla shook her head. Draping an arm over Erika's shoulders and whispering something in her ear, Thane simply made her giggle more, his eyes locked with Brazilla's through it all.

The show, however, just made Brazilla frown deeper and Thane was pretty quick on the pick up. Straightening, though leaving his arm where it was, he put his other hand on his waist and said, "It's close."

"So are they," Erika said, pointing in the opposite direction and towards a crashing sound. She ducked out from under Thane's arm and drew her lightsaber. It cast the roots and trees in a violet glow as she charged off through the underbrush, quickly followed by Brazilla and her double-blades of yellow. Thane held back for only a moment before taking his lightsaber from where it was strapped to his leg and activating it, the blade glowing a deep red. Unlike the women, though, he didn't have to go running through the thorny plants surrounding them since the spiders came to him.

With little experience and no memory about any of his previous battles, Thane was understandably nervous. He had sliced off a probiotic's head, but that's about all he could remember. Fortunately, Thane had all that unconscious experience to draw on and his body started to react without him thinking.

Leaping over the first spider, Thane landed on the back of the second and impaled the creature before it completed its fall under his weight. Spinning back to the first, Thane ducked under the spider's great claws and lunged, his blade sliding neatly between its mandibles, killing it dead in an instant. That move, unfortunately, ruptured the creature's venom sack and the thick green goo splattered across Thane's chest. As it started to burn first through his shirt and then through his skin, he reached into his pouch of endlessness and removed some more anti-venom, batting away another claw with his forearm. It scratched through his skin, but with the medicine coursing its way through his veins it just hurt like the devil rather than the causing him further venomous harm.

Grabbing the clawed arm that had scratched him, Thane held it tight as the spider reared on its hind four legs, its mandibles snapping. Thane wrinkled his nose at the smell before slicing through the arm he was holding. The spider screamed and leaped at the big man, but Thane was faster and dove out of the spider's way. He spun mid-air and threw his lightsaber, coming to a scraping halt in the leaves as the creature fell in two. The blade immediately retracted and the forest fell dark once more except for the distant glow of the women's lightsabers. Reaching out for the hilt, it spun back into his fingers, reactivating the moment it touched his palm and revealing the two spiders that had replaced the fallen. Thane snarled and leapt to his feet.

The smaller of the two spiders charged at him and Thane danced out of the way, cutting through the spider's head as it went by. The creature crashed into the ground and left a slimy trail in its wake. But Thane didn't pay attention to its death; the other spider had started running at him the moment his lightsaber touched its companion's exoskeleton. It was the largest by far, probably the matriarch, and had a good two or three feet on Thane, its eyes like a dozen black dinner plates. The big ones.

But rather than standing around and waiting for her to come and get him, Thane took the initiative to run her down, too. The sensible part of his brain started to scream profanities at him, as well as telling him that he was about to die a terrible death but, as per usual, Thane ignored it as he switched off his lightsaber and tucked one leg under the other to slide beneath the large spider. She slowed, possibly confused about her prey suddenly disappearing, which gave Thane the chance to press the hilt of his weapon against her soft underbelly and thumb the blade on. The spider screeched something terrible as Thane cut down her abdomen, dousing himself in her black blood. He choked on its smell and barely had the sense to roll out from under the dying creature as she collapsed. Standing, Thane wiped the blood out of his eyes as Erika and Brazilla walked out of the thorny bushes from where they had been fighting their own contingent of monsters.

"That's really gross," was the first thing Erika said after looking at Thane. "You should change."

Thane frowned. "Good thing I always have an extra set of robes or three."

"Or ten?" Erika said.

Thane shrugged and went to put on a clean outfit. When he returned, he was in black and grey robes rather than brown like before. "They're more slimming," he said under Brazilla's criticizing gaze. She didn't say anything. "And I blend in. Think of it as camo."

"I didn't say a word," she said.

"But you were thinking plenty."

Erika looked at them and gestured with both hands towards the Map. "I think we should go check that thing out and then get the hell out of here. I don't know about you two, but killing spiders and smelling something worse than raw sewage is not my idea of a fun time." She started backing that way, gesturing with each step. "Come on, adults, let's go. Thadda way. Thane, get yourself out of her eyes. Brazilla, you too. You'll have plenty of time for that in hyperspace."

Neither of them heard her and when that became clear, Erika dropped her arms and turned around, grumbling the entire way to the Map. When she got there—alone—she paused and looked at the thing in surprise. It really was a giant land clam nestled in roots. Granted, it was made of some kind of a dark metal and blended in very well with the surroundings, but that didn't take away from what it was. Approaching it cautiously, she knocked on the shell and put her face very close to the thing, trying the read the inscriptions in the dark. It wasn't working, mostly because it wasn't writing.

Without knowing why, Erika then removed a glove and laid her hand on the cold metal. It immediately came to life, its great clam shell mouth slowly opening. Holograms of the stars started to swirl in its depths moving too fast for Erika to register who was who or what was what. When it finally clicked into place, though, the image of a naked woman with long, golden hair appeared in the middle, covering herself where it mattered and looking down at Erika.

"I do not recognize you," she said. "You are not the one who came before."

"Uh…no, no I wasn't," she said, looking for a control panel of some sort. There wasn't one. "Does it matter?"

"Yes, I believe it does," the woman said.

Erika frowned. "You believe it does? Well if you don't know, then who does? Can I say who does?"

"The one who made me decides who can access my treasure."

"I'm sure he does," Erika said under her breath. She put her hands on her hips. "Who is this guy?"

The hologram looked at her. "One who resides in Asgard."

"No shit."

The hologram remained silent.

"You can't be serious."

"Who can't be serious?" Thane asked as he and Brazilla came strolling into the clearing.

"The woman on the half shell." Erika pointed.

"Oh my," Brazilla said. "She wasn't in the other one."

"Lucky you," Erika replied, turning back to the hologram, "because she isn't letting us in without the 'one who came before'. Jeg hader tinger lide det."

"I am not a thing," the hologram said. Erika rolled her eyes as Thane walked up.

"She understood you." He seemed impressed.

"Her maker was one my gods." She did not.

"Oh… Damn."

"You know, I sure hope this doesn't mean I have to meet mine."

The hologram was studying Thane, a gentle smile on her artificial lips. "You are different," she said.

"I prefer special," Thane said, looking the hologram up and down. "Like you."

Erika and Brazilla just stared in disbelief. He couldn't possibly be hitting on the fake woman. That was taking it a little far, even if it was Thane Sunrider, yadda yadda yadda, doing it.

The hologram shook her head. "I mean you have changed since the last time you were here."

"I'm a Jedi now," Thane said, puffing out his chest. "A hero."

Erika looked at him. "When were you here? I can believe up there, but you've got to admit that this is a little obscure." She gestured at their surroundings. "Unless you really are Relevant."

"Nope. Not him. I think I would know."

Erika just regarded him.

If either of them had been paying any attention to Brazilla at this point in time, they would have seen the fear in her eyes. It was the same look she got any time anybody made any reference to Thane being in any way the Sith Lord. However, considering they were wrapped up in their own little world, as they usually were when conversing (which was most of the time; the two were practically attached at the hip), Brazilla's expression went unnoticed, which was a shame, because today's was good. It was the perfect mixture of horror and dread that would have given away the big reveal about a month too soon.

Thane shrugged, still ignoring Brazilla. "I probably brought some lucky lady down here when I came through with my arms, otherwise I don't know why I would be here. Not my kind of a place, I'll tell you what."

"Jo, det er ikke."

The hologram seemed to be watching them. "What would you like to know, Thane Sunrider."

"Er…"

"Ask for what Relevant was looking for," Erika suggested. Thane nodded.

"Do what she said," Thane said, pointing at the she-Viking. The hologram nodded and disappeared (which was followed by a "where'd you go?" by Thane) and was replaced by a partial map of the galaxy. It, too, appeared to be ripped, just as the one back on Dannon had been, but a different sector was missing which meant they at least had some new information.

"Damn," Erika muttered.

"No M4-7Brangelina?" Thane asked as he found a wireless connection for his iPhone. Tapping the screen, he began to download the information they needed.

"Not even a trace. Garth's gonna be disappointed."

"He'll probably write a song about it to feel better."

"Seriously," Erika said as she pushed frazzled curls out of her face. "You done?"

Thane waited a moment before saying, "Y…yes. Let's get Jolie and get out of here. I need a shower."

"Amen to that, bror," Erika said. "Last one back to the cabin is a smelly gizka."

"I think you've already got that covered, sweetheart," Thane said. Erika's jaw dropped before she grabbed Thane by the collar and kissed him right on the lips. But, before either he (or Brazilla, whose hand was dangerously close to her lightsaber) could truly react, Erika pushed Thane back and took off through the underbrush. Thane went crashing after her, laughing, and Brazilla just shook her head as the clam shell closed and cast the forest in shadow once more.

A/N: Ah, Real Life. 45-50 hour weeks at work (and 14 hour days). Apartment hunting. Car issue dealing. That and plot bunnies dragged me out of parody and into a dramatics campaign during which I have written a prologue and the first ten chapters of a post-KotOR II three-part story arc starring the Exile, one Maiali Tal. Whew. Talk about sucking up all my creative juices. But now I am finally able to write parody again and can once more build up my buffer of chapters in case I hit a dry spell again.

Okay, in this chapter, in case you missed it, I paraphrased/borrowed Madonna's "Like a Virgin" (both the original and the Moulin Rouge version…), Eric Idle's "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", and a camp song from my days as a Girl Scout. There's also that major reference to a certain painting. Also, I would like to send a thank you to Stephen Colbert for getting me back in the mood to write. I wish I had enough pull to get me a free iPhone, too… Anyone feel like emailing Steve Jobs for me? Yay iPhones…!

Translations:

Jeg sover ikke nu – I'm not sleeping
Hvad… – What...
Du skal spiller ikke med det – You shouldn't play with it.
Jeg hader tinger lide det – I hate things like this.
Jo, det er ikke – Yeah, it's really not.
Bror – brother