A/N part one: Thanks, Jen, for kicking my butt into gear. I didn't actually realize it had been so long since I last updated this thing...

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Chapter 16: In Which the Conqueror of Virginity Protects Innocence

When Thane woke the next morning, there was a warm spot in the bed next to him. He couldn't tell right away if it was one left by him or by someone else, so he rolled over and went back to sleep, hoping on the latter and that the person would make a timely return.

When Thane woke for the second time that morning, the warm spot had turned cold and he was still alone. Maybe it had been his. He rolled over again, still not quite ready to get up and face the big monster that waited for him out in the desert, when the door to his cabin slid open.

Brazilla.

"Morning, darlin'," he said, pushing the blankets down to his waist and propping himself up on one elbow. His smile came easy. Hers was a little harder to coax, but it eventually joined them.

"Are you still asleep?" she asked. "I left hours ago."

Thane's smile widened. "So I wasn't dreaming last night."

"No, I'm pretty sure you were," she said as she walked over to the bed. Perching herself on the edge, she pushed a piece of hair across his forehead in a very uncharacteristic manner. "I don't think this was supposed to happen for a long time."

"You mean like towards the end of this crazy journey we're on? Maybe on the white sands of some exotic planet outside the known galaxy in front of all these groupies I've attracted that are slowly becoming friends and comrades?"

"Yeah."

"Can't help feelings, lovely," he said, running a hand down her back. "You just gotta let them flow."

She responded only by turning away, a blush creeping up her neck and into her cheeks. For the amount of control she generally tried to exert over others, Thane was surprised at her own lack of discipline. He sat up completely as he thought about it, a smile touching his lips, and was about to plant a kiss on her cheek when someone else joined them. This time it was Erika. She was holding on to both sides of the doorframe and leaning into the little room, one foot hooked around the other ankle.

"Hey, Thane?" she said.

"I'm a little busy, kid." He didn't look at her.

"Killroy is acting up. Something about wanting to kill meatbags but not being able to for some reason or another. He's not talking about us, is he?"

"I'll deal with it in a bit." He glanced at Erika. She was in another one of her getups, this time a grey herringbone wool vest with a turquoise silk lining over a hot pink shift dress. Two studded belts were slung low over her hips, attached in the front with a big buckle—today it was a ruby-eyed silver dragon. In order to stave off the cold and remain halfway decent, she also wore black tights, yellow legwarmers, and mid-length boots with a tall heel, her lightsaber rocking gently against her thigh. Her blonde hair was neatly curled, her earrings, bracelets, and rings big and of multiple precious metals and cheap plastics.

"Han er også muttering about some guy named Roboto. Do you know anyone named Roboto? Hvem er Roboto…?" she finished with a mutter.

"I do not," he said. "Do you mind?" He gestured at Brazilla.

"Right. Kissy-kissy private time. Undskylde. Hej." She gave Brazilla a good stink-eyed once over before turning around with a flip of her hair, her boot heels clicking a little louder than they really should have back down the corridor. Brazilla watched her until the door closed.

"You might actually want to go take care of that," she said. "He is kind of an unstable assassin droid after all."

"His license to kill expired before he came on board so he's actually reasonably safe, all things considered. I'll deal with him when I'm done with you, honey," he assured with one of his smiles. And despite all of her years of training, Brazilla was beginning to melt in their presence. "So, where'd you run off to this morning?"

"To deal with my mother. It turns out she was looking for money and thought that she might be able to get some of our winnings. She actually asked me what use we have for it, being what we are. The nerve."

"You mean stinkin' rich?"

Brazilla gave him a look reminiscent of those she used to give him.

"Jedi are supposed to be pious and poor," Thane pointed out. "You should know that better than me."

"I do know that, but I don't know why she would expect me to give her anything after abandoning me like she did."

"She sort of gave you life, you know."

Brazilla snorted. "Reluctantly, I'm sure."

"It's kind of a big deal."

"It also takes two people."

Normally, Thane would push the subject to an argument, but he didn't feel like getting into one at the moment. He couldn't explain it; there was just something telling him that he didn't have the words, nor did Brazilla. Anyway, Thane reasoned, it would have been a pretty pointless fight. He knew that Brazilla didn't care for her mother and figured it didn't really matter if he knew exactly how much she disliked the woman who had given her life. So, he moved on.

"I suppose we should stop lingering and get on getting to the Map of Star's Homes before it gets eaten by the monster I dreamt about." He began to sit up. As he did, he discovered that he was wearing something after all. Maybe Brazilla had been right about the dreaming comment.

Nah. He had a reputation to uphold, even if it was only in his mind.

Standing, Thane stretched and went about putting on the same clothing he had worn the day before. Brazilla watched him, saying, "I don't think the dragon will be able to eat the Map, Thane."

He looked at her and almost tripped over the trousers he was trying to pull on. "Dragon?"

"Yes."

"Like, fire-breathing, virginal-damsel-in-distress dragon?"

"I believe so."

Thane frowned. "Wonderful. Good thing I'm a knight, then." He looked at Brazilla where she was still sitting on his bed. "Maybe I should take Canute and Garth."

"Why?"

"Because I don't need to spend my time protecting your hide while trying to protect my own. I've only got so much I can think about at a time and when something is trying to eat me, gut me, maim me, or all of the above my focus is narrowed to only me. Besides, the dragon should have no interest in them."

"Because they're men?" she said, standing, her fists clenched. "That is the most sexist…"

Thane put his hands on her shoulders. "No, because Garth's got a kid and Canute is, well, Canute. I'm sure he's got illegitimate children scattered across the galaxy by now."

She narrowed her eyes at him as he went on. "I'm doing it to protect you girls."

"Oh, so you know something about us, do you?"

He tapped the side of his nose. "I can smell it."

"That's gross."

"I'm kidding."

She paused. "Oh."

Thane chuckled and kissed her on the cheek. "I'll bring you back some treasure."

"Just make sure you come back in one piece," she said quietly. Thane said that he would and left her behind in the dark.

--

It didn't take the three men much time to get through Balnchaine and besides that, nothing terribly exciting happened. Several women swooned at the sight of Thane (having recognized him as the champion from the previous day) and when he hardly paid them the time of day (much to his despair, actually—was Brazilla turning him into a monogamous man?) they went ahead and swooned over Canute, who appreciated Thane's not-so-sloppy seconds. Garth picked up one or two trashy thirds.

The girls, however, didn't follow them out into the desert, mostly because the Java wouldn't let them out of the city. The little guy was surprisingly fast when it came to catching nubile young women trying to slip past him. That fiasco was put out of Thane's mind, however, as he stood legs-apart observing the dunes.

"This must be where the galaxy comes to die," he said. "When all is said and done, Taboo, a bunch of roaches, and a couple of deaf old cats will be all that's left."

"Deaf cats?" Garth asked. Thane glanced at him, aviator glasses perched on the bridge of his nose.

"They can't hear for crap to know what's going on and the only reason they're still alive is because they're wily. And their reserve of human souls."

Garth just stared at Thane, not actually wanting to know. Canute wasn't paying attention considering he was too busy loading his very large gun. Hefting it up over one shoulder, he glanced at the other two.

"So where's this dragon we're going after?" he gruffed. "Judith's keen for some action."

Thane looked at Canute and Judith. His sidearm was named Sally. With a shrug, he gestured to the north. "Over there somewhere."

"Should we ask for directions?" Garth said. Thane turned on him.

"I know where I'm going."

"I just thought…"

"Then stop thinking."

Garth sighed.

After that, the men wandered around in the desert for awhile. Thane continued to insist that he knew exactly where he was going while Garth counted the number of times they passed the same rock. Canute, who didn't seem affected by the heat, was happy enough to just shoot the big creatures that seemed to be wandering around in circles of their own. It made them easy prey. Eventually, Thane joined in on the sport and by the time they spotted the large rock formation Thane figured hid the Map, both men had a pretty large payload of skulls. A long trail of buzzards followed in their wake.

"Told you I'd get us here," Thane said, putting the skulls in the sand.

Garth shielded his eyes from the sun. "Do you have a plan?"

"Do I ever have one?"

"No."

"Then there's your answer." Thane grinned. "Unless, of course, you consider going in guns and swords ablazin' as a plan."

"I suppose it sounds like one at least," Garth said. He hadn't touched his guitar the entire way from the city. Thane was as proud of the man as he could be until he saw the troubadour's fingers inch towards the bridge. "Do you think anyone will mourn for us after we become the dragon's next meal? the next victims of a terrible beast who is just trying to make his way in the world? Woe are we, the men who come looking for riches and glory and only end up as fuel for the ever-living."

Canute gave the pilot one look up and down. He hadn't previously been exposed to Garth's tendencies as the two men rarely conversed. And considering Canute had killed a lot of Garth's friends and visa versa during the Mandalorian Wars, they tended to spend their time on very opposite sides of the ship doing things that would ensure they wouldn't run into each other. Thane hadn't thought about that when he picked them to come.

Too late, he thought. All he could do now was damage control.

Thane didn't look at them, though, as he studied the mouth of the cave and the creature resting inside. "I don't think he'll be living after today, Garth, buddy. I plan on killing him dead."

"That somehow seems the very opposite kind of thought you should be having as a Jedi," Garth replied. Thane just waved a dismissive wave at him.

"I was a criminal first."

"There is such a thing as changing your ways, cowboy."

"We've already been over that," Thane said. "Back on Cash. I don't need a reprise."

Garth pressed his lips together. He was about to go on when Thane activated his lightsaber.

"I'll be right back," the big Jedi said over his shoulder as he sprinted over the sand. It was actually rather difficult considering it was the soft variety and Thane found himself tripping and slipping as he approached the dragon. After awhile, the creature lifted its head, curious about the little morsel running towards it, and snorted fire. Thane didn't seem to notice, though, as he hit the rough ground in front of the cave with his face, having finally gotten his foot caught well in the sand.

He stood with a groan and looked at the dragon. The dragon looked back and got to its feet with a yawn, revealing that it was rather larger than Thane had originally thought. He swallowed. Maybe this was a bad idea…

The thought didn't last long, however, considering he had to skip to the side to avoid being fried to a crisp. The dragon fluttered its useless wings and tried again. Thane dove forward this time, the fire licking his back without burning the skin, though definitely cooked. That was going to sting in the morning.

Standing again, Thane decided to make short work of the dragon. He wasn't much in the mood for a long, drawn out fight. That being the case, he once more started sprinting at the dragon. It was considerably easier this time considering he was on solid ground.

Approaching the creature, he took hold of the spikes that ran up its front legs and jumped from one to the next, quickly mounting the creature. Thankfully, it had a short, broad neck, so it didn't take much balance work for Thane to climb to the dragon's head in order to plunge his lightsaber smack-dab between its eyes. The dragon hardly had time to react before it fell over dead, throwing Thane into the nearby stone wall as it did.

Thane blinked several times, dazed and sat where he had fallen, staring at the creature.

"Wow," a voice said. Thane didn't recognize it. Looking up, he squinted through his sunglasses—which had remained perfectly in place throughout the fight—to find the man behind it. What he saw startled him. The kid could have been Gizmo except for the trench coat and the distinct maleness of his face. "I never thought I would escape that place. Thanks. Quite a show, man."

Thane stood up and shook his head. "Who are you?"

"McGruff."

Thane frowned. "You wouldn't happen to be related to a girl named Gizmo, would you?"

"Shoot," McGruff said. "She's gonna castrate me."

"What were you doing here anyway?" Thane looked over the top of the kid's head at the glittering treasure that filled the cave. "Is this your get-rich-quick scheme? Brilliant."

"She told you about that too, I see."

"You're dead meat, dude."

McGruff looked at the dead dragon. "There's not some kind of Jedi sorcery you can use to bring the big girl back to life, is there? She took real good care of me…"

Thane glanced at the dragon, too, before looking back at Gizmo's brother. "No. Now if you would excuse me."

He pushed the boy aside and made his way into the cave, pulling out his iPod as he went. The Map was fairly obvious among the rest of the gathered treasure as it was the only thing that didn't glitter and Thane took next to no time uploading the data he needed. Once done, he rooted through the treasure to find something pretty for the girls back on the boat.

While he was pillaging, Canute and Garth joined him in the cave and took McGruff by the collar of his coat upon Thane's request. He wouldn't dare miss the opportunity to let Gizmo at her slacker of a brother after all of the complaining she had done about him over the weeks. It was all she talked about. Hopefully this (along with something shiny) would shut her up for a good while.

Thane looked at the rest of his party once he was finished. "Let's get this outfit back on the road," he said, glancing over Garth's shoulder. The pilot turned to see if there was anything back there.

"Expecting someone?"

"Some guy named Canker," Thane said with a grunt. "Someone told me that I killed him back on Taris but I think I saw him scrambling around in the shadows back in Balnchaine." He chewed on his lower lip. "Whatever. I'll deal with him when he shows up. Let's go."

Thane led everyone back into the desert, his Jedi robes blowing in the wind.

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A/N part two: Again, the funny bone is suffering. At least in my opinion.

If you don't pick up on what HK is supposed to be parodying… Well, I don't know what I'll do. He's a whole jumble of things, actually. Also, in case you're wondering why I spend so much more time describing Erika than anyone else, it's because she's supposed to be something of a Mary Sue. She's not me, I assure you (though, I do admit that her wardrobe is similar to mine if mine took steroids). She's really just a generic, run-of-the-mill, why-not-have-one, just-for-kicks Mary Sue who wears "ultra-cool" stuff. I sometimes think of Noel Fielding when he's doing mild (not the glitterball suit or any of his other cat suits…) with a little Carrie Bradshaw and '80's Madonna thrown in for good measure.

Oh, and thanks to Elwin Ransom for one idea about HK. It's a perfect excuse to not use him much even though I kind of like the guy.

Final thing, the "deaf old cats" line is in reference to my 20 year old cat who, as we are convinced, will live through the apocalypse on her reserve of human souls (because, of course, every time you touch her you lose a little piece of your soul; it's the only reason she's still alive). More of a joke for my family than for anyone else… (I really do love her considering I've had her since I was three or so; she's just a little pathetic these days).